This is a true story of the death of my 14 year old daughter, Jessi, and the aftermath.
The date, Monday, January 25, 2000, started out like any other normal day. My husband and I got up and got ready for work, as Jessi got ready for school. Larry left for work at 6:30. At 6:40 Jessi came in to the living room to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye before going out the door to catch the bus. I remember so clearly her smile as she rounded the corner of the computer center and as she kissed me I teased her and said "OOO, what's that on your lips?" she said "Carmax", I laughed, she giggled and said "Oh, well, love you Mom, see you after school", then she headed out the door still giggling. I then went in to wake up my son, CJ, so he could get ready for school, then I left for work at five minutes to seven.
I was at work for about twenty minutes when I heard my name announced on the intercom, I went up to the customer service desk and answered the phone. It was CJ's school calling, the secretary said that CJ was in the office and he was very, very upset. He had told her his sister had been hit by a car and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I asked for more information but the secretary just couldn't tell me anymore. I immediately called Larry and told him, he said he'd be right there to pick me up. He arrived quickly, the 3 mile ride to the hospital was the longest ride ever, both of us lost in our own thoughts and trying to assure each other that everything was okay.
When we arrived at the hospital Larry dropped me off at the emergency room door and parked the truck. I ran in and asked if Jessi was here, the receptionist got up from behind the desk and walked me to the emergency room door, there I was met by a man who I had assumed was the doctor. He led me to a little room and said he'd get the doctor for me, as soon as he turned around I bolted out of the room, having 3 kids we had made numerous trips to the emergency room over the years and I knew that the news I was about to hear was going to be bad, very bad. The man kept trying to get me to come back, I screamed at him, "No, I want my husband here with me, he's parking the truck and will be right in." As I neared the emergency room door I saw Larry, the man then led both of us to the room and told us he was the chaplain, by then the doctor had arrived. Immediately we asked if Jessi was okay, the doctor quietly shook his head no, we asked..."Is she dead?", the doctor just nodded yes. Not wanting to believe the doctor I told him I needed to see Jessi and I needed to see her NOW. He said of course, walking down the hallway he explained her appearance, that there was an intubation tube and that they couldn't remove it yet. Only half hearing what he was telling us, I was praying that there was a mistake, that it wasn't my Jessi they were talking about.
We finally made it to the room she was in, the curtain was drawn around her, we ran behind the curtain and at that moment our lives were changed forever. It was my sweet, beautiful daughter laying there on the gurney. I wanted to see her, feel her and hold her, the hospital was very kind and let us have our time alone with her. All I could think of is the moment I held her for the first time when she was born, how I held her and touched her. Then I thought that we would never again see her brilliant smile, hear her sweet voice and feel her loving hugs.
As we left the exam room to go back to call family and friends the kids' Grams was at the emergency room door with CJ. CJ was trembling with fear, when we told them the news they were both devastated. We all went back to be with Jessi again. My heart broke for CJ, he and Jessi were very close, not only in age (two years) but unlike a lot of brothers and sisters they enjoyed each others company, most of the time. Sure, there were times when Jessi thought he was a total pest, but they loved each other very much. We somehow made it to the phone to make our calls. I was unable to locate my oldest daughter, Kacey, no one answered the pager or the telephone where she was at. The state Patrol sent their advocate, she was trying to help locate Kacey for us too. Finally, around 11 AM Kacey answered the pager. I told her she needed to get to the hospital, she asked why, I told her that I would tell her when she arrived. The advocate offered to drive out to pick her up. When Kacey arrived the little room we were in was full of people, she came up to me and asked what was wrong. I had to tell her that her little sister was in an accident and killed. She wanted to see her, but they had already taken Jessi to the morgue by then.
We then learned that at around 7:05 Jessi was hit by a Jeep Cherokee, driven by a 16 year old girl. Jessi and her friend had missed the bus and were walking back to our house to call her friend's dad so he could take them to take them to school. The girls were walking northbound on our street facing oncoming traffic, and were right in front of our house. All of a sudden a Jeep Cherokee came around the corner and Jessi was hit. Jessi's friend and the driver started screaming hysterically, CJ was out the door immediately to see what was going on. He saw Jessi's friend trying to do CPR on his sister, he ran back in the house to call 911. That was all we knew at that point.
The rest of the day was a blur, when we arrived home we just wanted to lock ourselves in the house and grieve. There were so many neighbors, friends, people we didn't even know arriving with food, flowers, cards, condolences. At 5:30 we turned on the TV, the accident was the headline news story of the day. The phone rang nonstop after that with friends and far away relatives calling.
Wednesday went by in a blur of people and grief. We also had to "plan" Jessi's funeral. This is something no parent should EVER, EVER have to do. So many decisions to make at a time when you have to think to even breath is difficult at best. We had to delegate some of the arrangements and attended to others. We had to decide what clothes to have Jessi wear, she had just gone to the mall two days before and bought an outfit, it was that one we decided she would've liked, a pair of jeans and a shirt. She hated dresses and hadn't been in one in years, with the exception of homecoming. That afternoon we were on the way to the mortuary, the bus that Jessi rode had stopped up the street from us, two girls got off. One was tall, with hair the same length as Jessi's. I yelled at Larry, "Stop, there's Jessi now" in that same instant I realized it wasn't her, but her friend. I was overcome with tears, realizing that Jessi would never be getting off that bus again.
Thursday was the viewing, we had scheduled a private time in the afternoon for family and close friends. Seeing Jessi in the casket was awful. We arranged a photo board next to her casket showing her in life. We were touched by all the beautiful flowers people had sent. I didn't want to leave, but then again, I didn't want to stay. This was all so difficult. We finally did leave right before the public viewing and went to Larry's brother's house. After a couple of hours CJ said he wanted to go back and see his sister again, so we did.
The funeral was on Friday, it was a celebration of Jessi's life. Her favorite Christian rock music was played, Kacey and CJ and several of Jessi's friends got up and spoke of their love for Jessi and memories they had. A couple of the girl's even had us laughing with some of the antics they told about. After the service people came through to give their condolences, it was all pretty much a blur. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was leave Jessi at the funeral home. A good friend of mine finally urged me by telling me that it wasn't Jessi there, it was her shell, that her spirit will always be with me. It was with a very heavy heart that we left.
We were so full of questions, we had tried several times to make contact with the state trooper that was in charge of investigating the accident. No one would give us any information. CJ told us that he had seen the girls seconds before the accident, he was looking out the door to see what the weather was like, they had just crossed the street, he yelled, "Hey guys' what are you doing?", they didn't answer him so he wasn't sure if they heard him or not. He turned around and walked into his room to get his backpack and was almost to the front door when he heard a LOUD BAM. Then he heard the girls screaming, he ran out front and saw his sister. He told us that he knew she was dead, her legs were all twisted and she wasn't breathing. He ran back in the house and called 911, dispatch kept him on the phone until the ambulance arrived, he then ran back outside and heard the paramedic say "She's not breathing", he saw them load her up on the ambulance drive off down the street. They turned off the siren and then the lights a block later. He didn't know what to do so he ran to school and went to the office. The school called the emergency numbers and one of them listed is the kid's Gram's, she told them where I was working. I had just started this job two months before and didn't think to give the school the information for emergencies. ALL Larry and I could think about when we learned this is what was going through that poor little guy's head. Knowing his sister is dead, being all alone and running to school for help.
Finally, a week later, the State Patrol called us and set up an appointment to send the investigator to our home on Thursday (10 days after the accident). The day before we called Jessi's friend's family and asked them if she could come down to our house and "walk" Larry through what happened. She and Larry went outside and she showed him where they were, what they had been doing before and where Jessi landed and where the Jeep stopped. She had told us that the Jeep arrived out of no where, it had come around the corner so fast that there was no time for reaction. She also told us that she was interviewed by the trooper at the hospital within hours after seeing her best friend killed. She told us that she felt uncomfortable with him, he referred to Jessi as "the deceased" never saying her name during the interview. Then he showed her a diagram and asked her to show him what happened. She told us that she didn't understand the diagram, that it was out of proportion and did not make sense to her. He kept asking her how many feet were you walking from the deceased? Where did the deceased land? Etc., to me this is not the way to interview a 14 year old traumatized girl.
When the trooper arrived we asked him to "walk" Larry through what he believed happened. They were outside for about 45 minutes, finally they came in. Larry was furious, he told me that an act of God wouldn't get through this troopers thick skull. I asked him what he meant, he said that his report is written in stone and not a thing in the world is going to change it. I was so confused at this point, and shot off questions. The driver was not cited, we could not believe it! We questioned that, the trooper said there is no proof she was speeding, Jessi was on the pavement and that she should have yielded to the car. We were shocked! In Colorado, pedestrians do NOT have the right of way. The morning was dark, it had rained the night before and the trooper said that the driver just didn't see Jessi. In our opinion, if the driver can not see pedestrians then she was going too fast for conditions. That was something Larry questioned too, he even set up a scenario, asking the trooper..."If I am driving down this road and I hit a parked car on the road, will I get cited?" the trooper asked "Why did you hit the car?" Larry responded, "I didn't see it?" the trooper replied, "Yes you would get a citation." We both wanted to scream, here a human being was hit and killed because this driver did not see her and no citation was issued, yet if you hit a car here in Colorado you would get a ticket. Then I questioned the trooper on whether or not he tested the driver for drug/alcohol, he said no. When I asked him why not his reply was that in his opinion she was not under the influence. I got up in his face and asked him if he thought I was on drug/alcohol? He said no, I told him YOU'RE WRONG! I swear to God, he almost jumped up out of that chair when I told him that, he demanded to know what I was on. I told him that I was on a sedative prescribed by my doctor and that I was in no condition to drive. That let him know right then and there that we did not value his opinion.
I also informed this trooper that Jessi's friend did not understand the diagram he presented her at the hospital during his interview with her, he looked confused at that point. Then he got defensive about his report and started going off about his glass ball theory of physics, I told him I did not want to hear it, I had already heard it. The meeting went downhill from there, he said, "Well, we can end this all right now." To us, his strengths do not lie in fatal accident investigations and relating information to devastated families. In our opinion he was cold and indifferent, not the type of person to handle emotions that distraught families have.
After the trooper left we carefully looked over the accident report. Jessi was thrown 102 feet, it took the Jeep 116 feet to stop. We are not physics majors, do not understand fully the concept of physics, but common sense tells us that a 5'7", 110 pound human would not be thrown that far at 30 MPH, which is what the trooper insists was the maximum speed. The report also shows that the driver tried to swerve at the last second. Again, we are not physics majors, but the point of impact on the front of the Jeep is in a straight line to the damage on the windshield, if she swerved, common sense tells us that the impact on the windshield would be on the side of the windshield from the impact on the front end. Also, on the report he has that the driver was wearing her seat belt. How does he know that for fact? He asked her and took her word for it, of course she will say she did whether she did or not, we don't know if she was or wasn't, that's not important to us. My point here is he took her word for everything, yet it seems to us we weren't heard. He NEVER did speak with CJ, he was first on the scene, saw the girls seconds before impact. We feel that this trooper did not want to further traumatize this poor, young, driver by giving her a citation, she is only 16 after all, Jessi is dead, nothing can change that.. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! Not only is our immediate family traumatized for life, but extended family and friends. We have lost a daughter, what could be more traumatizing than that. The way the investigation was presented to us further traumatized us and left us feeling like we didn't matter and we hold a lot of anger towards the State Patrol to this day.
A couple of months after the accident we spoke with the parents of a little boy that was killed while he was waiting for his school bus in the early morning hours. The driver in that accident was going 35 MPH, the boy was thrown 80 some feet, he was smaller than Jessi. That confirmed our beliefs that the driver that killed Jessi was speeding, because Jessi was thrown 102 feet in a 30 MPH speed zone. We are working on getting the accident investigation reopened. I don't know if we can or not. I do know that we cannot accept the accident report the way it is now, not for ourselves and certainly not for Jessi.
Both my husband and myself think the driving laws need changed, we've done a lot of research on teenage driving statistics, what we found is chilling. Young people, 15 to 20 years old, make up 7% of the driving population, yet are involved in 14% of all crashes and 21% of all fatal wrecks.
It has now been almost a year since Jessi was killed. In May we were finally able to move out of that house, it was terrible living there after the accident. Every time we walked out the front door we saw the spot that Jessi was hit and killed. I was unable to check the mail because our mailbox was right there where it all happened. Jessi's bedroom was right next to the bathroom and it hurt so much to see her empty room. We gave her cat away to a friend of mine and her dog is staying with Grams. When I packed up her bedroom I was overwhelmed, it literally took me a couple of months to complete it. Jessi had a huge collection of stuffed animals, at last count she told me she had 180+. I wanted to save everyone of them, but I also wanted to share them with her friends and the day care that she worked for last summer. I saved the ones that were her favorites and gave the rest away. I kept all the Beanie Babies, they were something that were very special to her. Jessi also loved reading novels, her favorite author was VC Andrews, every time I see a new VC Andrews book my immediate reaction is to put it in the shopping basket for her, then a split second later I realize that she is gone and if it's been an emotional day I start cry right there in the store.
One thing I learned since Jessi was killed is that time and everyday trivial things that use to bother me, really don't matter anymore. Relationships with people is a priority over everything else. I'm also no longer afraid to die, I believe in an afterlife and I believe that Jessi will be there to greet me when I pass this life. I felt suicidal for a brief period about two weeks after the accident, all I wanted was to be with her, and to ease the pain of losing her, but quickly realized that it's not my time, I'm needed here to be with my family.
There are many things I am still uncomfortable doing, I avoid the mall, there are too many teen girls there and it hurts to see them without a care in the world (as they should be), but it hurts because Jessi can't be there. I will probably never make home made egg noodles again as long as I live, Jessi helped me make them EVERY SINGLE time I made them ,since she was about five years old, it was our special time together. I know life goes on, but weddings and births are emotional to hear about, these are things that remind me that Jessi will never be a mother or a wife. She loved babies so much and would've made a wonderful mother. Running into people that I know, but don't know well is also hard because they will express their condolences and I know they mean well and I'm glad that they remember that Jessi was a part of our lives, but it hurts.
We are all still grieving, a process that will take a long time to complete. There are many nights I lay awake and start thinking about the accident, I don't think Jessi ever saw the Jeep, or if she did she had no time to react, but I wonder what went through her mind the last seconds of her life, it hurts me so much that I wasn't able to protect her. I then try to block it out of my mind, then I'm overcome with sadness, then anger at the way the investigation was handled. We believe with all our hearts that had the driver been going slower either Jessi would've had time to see the Jeep or the driver would've had time to see the girls and Jessi would be alive today, that is the most painful part, knowing it was all so senseless. We recently went to the scene of the accident, I stood where Jessi was hit, Larry drove towards me at various speeds, at 30 MPH there is six seconds from the time the girls would've first seen the Jeep to impact point. It doesn't sound like a lot of time, but if you were to sit where you're at and count off one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five, one thousand six it is enough time to see the vehicle and react. At 35 MPH the time is reduced to a little over four seconds, at 40 MPH it is three seconds and at 45 it is less than 3 seconds. We've done a lot of research and downloaded some accident calculators, we believe the speed was 42-45 MPH at point of impact. We're working with an attorney and she had hired an accident reconstruction which can pinpoint the speed within a couple of miles per hour. Kacey has moved out and is on our own now, she turned 18 in June. That leaves CJ the only child at home, he's lonely and has been learning new ways to entertain himself, he's had to adjust to not having his two sisters at home. He won't talk about the accident, but he will share stories of things he and Jessi use to do together. Larry is very supportive and understanding and has helped us all. He grieves too, he was a part of Jessi's life for five years. She really looked up to him and when we all moved in together she got close to him and thought of him as her step-dad even before Larry & I got married. Together we will be okay.
The following two poems are from Billi
I don't know why the angels came
I don't know why the angels came,
And decided to take you away.
They must have needed someone very special,
When they carried you on their wings that day.
I wondered how they could take you from me,
And leave me here on my own.
Then I realized your love would live on inside me,
So in my heart, I would never be alone.
God must have had a greater purpose for you,
When He decided your time on earth was done.
He must have wanted you for a heavenly angel,
So you would be able to watch over everyone.
Sweet precious child
Sweet precious child
I adored more than life;
When the angels came knocking,
It pierced like a knife.
You must have been needed
Far greater up there;
But it's hard not to question,
As I hug your stuffed bear.
Your sweet precious spirit
Will never die;
I feel you still with me,
Bringing a tear to my eye.
Although there's a hole
In my heart that won't heal
I know the good Lord
Will help me to deal.
Sweet little angel,
I miss you so much;
But you're in God's arms;
Feel His heavenly touch.
I picture you up there
On clouds like white cotton;
You may not be here,
But you're never forgotten.
Thank you Billi!
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