My Testimony
I remember April 20, 1999 like it was yesterday. I got up, ate breakfast, and went to school. It was a normal day. By the time I got home that day though, something just didn't feel right. I just couldn't place my finger down on it. I came home to find a note saying that my neighbor had locked herself out--up until 2 months before that, my family had had the extra keys to all the houses in our complex. However, we had just handed them over to another neighbor. For some reason, the fact that my neighbor was locked out really got to me, upset me more than it usually would have. That nite I went to my grandma's for dinner, and something was just off for me.
All through the time my grandma and I were watching "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" that day, I was thinking about my neighbor, and hoping she was okay. I was really sad about it. When Rosie was over, my grandma wanted to watch the news as usual. So, we flipped to that channel. It was then that I saw it--kids running out of a school with hands on their heads, bodies lying on the ground dead and alive. There had been a school shooting in Colorado, and at the time they said up to as many as 25 may have been killed. My grandma and I sat there in silence. She turned off the TV when the newsbrief was over, and went out to prepare dinner. I sat there in stunned silence and shock, just staring at the ground. My grandma called me for dinner, and, in a zombie like state, I went to the table. But I ate nothing that nite. I kept thinking about how those victims would never be able to eat again, how they'd never be able to sit around a table and talk with thier families. I had suddenly lost my appetite.
For the days and weeks that followed the shootings at Columbine High School, I was confused, sad, and angry. I wasn't saved at this point, but I did beleive in some sort of God, and that everything happened for a reason. I started to ask the question why. Why did God have to let 12 innocent, good young people die? Why did He have to take them away from thier families and friends? I struggled with that for a long time.
I remember the day I first saw the pictures and read the profiles of the victims. It was April 24, 1999. I had read a few articles here and there, and remembered only one name that I had read: Rachel Scott.I read all the profiles in the paper that day, and when I got to hers, I stopped. The face in the picture was smiling at me. It looked like the face of someone's best friend, or someone's sister, or daughter, or cousin. The face of someone who was caring and kind, and in love with Jesus. In that picture I could see the kind of friend that I had needed my whole life. I didn't have any kindred spirits, or tell-anything-to friends. I just had friends that I hung out with because I didn't want to be alone. On the outside, I looked fine, but on the inside I was longing for someone to accept me and love me just for me, no strings attached. The smile in that picture was contagious. I looked at it, and I started to smile..but then I realized that she was no longer here. Suddenly, a wave of grief came over me. "How could someone kill someone so beautiful?" was my first thought. Just from looking at her picture, I could tell she had a good heart. Those pictures in the paper that day weren't just pictures, they were actual people.
It was then that I broke down in tears. Trying to come to terms with it, was so hard, and I had feelings of guilt for feeling so much when I wasn't even involved in what had happened. The way I was crying you'd think I'd have lost a friend, and I didn't even know these people. But I felt like I had.
All my life, I had desperatly wanted a kindred spirit, a true blue friend. Looking at Rachel's picture and hearing all her stories, I knew she would have been that type of friend. I doubt I ever would have met her if she hadn't been killed that day, so it probably wouldn't have mattered. But the fact is is that when I saw that smile, and read those stories, I knew that true blue friends really did exist..but then lost all hope again a moment later when I realized she was dead.
She also brought me home to Jesus. One nite, in May 1999, I was in my bedroom, crying. The radio was on, but I wasn't paying attention...I was holding my Rosie O'Doll and pacing back and forth. I kept saying out loud "why?" "why did Rachel Scott have to die?" "Its not fair..that coulda been one of my friends, or me, why her?" I stopped pacing and lay on my bed. I thought about what it would be like if I'd died, and not to be on this earth. Then I started to cry harder. I don't think I had ever cried so hard in my life as I had those 2 weeks after the shootings. I didnt know someone had that much in them to cry! I was so confused and sad and angry, and no one at home or in my school understood why. They all thought I was crazy for being so broken up about something so far away. Not having anyone to talk to only made it worse. That nite in my room, as I lay there shaking with tears, I began to pray. I don't remember what I said, but I just know that I began to pray to God, and that a few minutes later, my tears had subsided, and I felt a strange peace and comfort.
That didn't end my grief, but I began to become more and more comforted and at peace every time I prayed about it. It still seemed like a dream to me though. I hadn't been there, and so I couldn't beleive something so horrible could actaully happen. I felt a sense of wanting to reach out-- I had never in my life reached out before, for fear of being laughed at. But my confidence level had been boosted. Reading stories about Rachel when she had been witnessing, or missed opportunities, I realized that even if people laughed at me, God wouldn't. God would be my friend, my support. He would love me. I wanted to do something, just to let the people there know I cared. So I did. I sent money to memorial funds, and a card to the school. When I got a response back I felt so appreciated and loved. Its nice when someone acknowledges someone else's good deeds.
Even though I was growing in my confidence and learning more about God, I still longed for someone to talk to who wouldn't think I was crazy--someone who had been there, could understand what I was talking about, and someone who knew Rachel Scott. I don't want to put her on a pedestal, and I'm sorry if I am.Its just that she opened my eyes to so many things, just reading about her, and I admired that. I had realized that if I couldn't have anyone be that kind of friend to me, then I could be that kind of friend to them. I just didn't know how to do that.
Little did I know that a while later I was too meet two people who are now two of my good friends, and they would help me to be that kind of friend--by being that kind of friend to me.
The first one of those friends is Craig Scott, Rachel's brother. It was in a bookstore that God spoke to me about that one. I was reading an article about Columbine, and there was a quote from Craig. I forget what it said, but God just spoke to me and said, "talk to him. You want someone to talk to who'll understand, he'll understand. He has something u need, and u have something he needs." At first I was all "God are you nuts? I live in Canada, he lives in Colorado..I didn't even know the girl,and he's her brother..he's gonna think i'm pyscho!" But then God's all "Do it. I'll help you." So I did.It's confusing as to how we first met, but God provided me with the means to talk to him. It was like the most nerve racking thing to do, but I did it. It was not my fingers that picked up that phone, it was God's. He kept me from hanging it up. We had one of the best conversations I've ever had, and in the next few months went on to have many more.
The second person I met, was, ironically, my friend Rachel. I met her at a youth group picnic that I decided to go to. It wasn't long before we started having 3 hour long conversations, and seeing or talking to each other every waking moment.
God has truly blessed with these two wonderful people in my life. It was after I met them that I realized that God does bring good out of bad. I had needed to be broken before he could build me up again. He used Columbine, and Rachel Scott's death, to break me and bring me to Him. Then, he finally gave me my real friends. Those friends you can tell anything too and not get laughed at or feel stupid. I have a few of them now, besides Craig and Rachel, and I am so blessed to know them. They teach me so much about what friendship and faith is all about. Although I wish the people at Columbine didn't have to die, I am thankful for what God has blessed me with and the good he has brought out of this tragedy.
I thank Him that he brought them on to this earth for the time they were here, glad that He blessed people's lives with thier friendships, and glad that He has used thier deaths and testimonies to bring others to Christ. Its hard sometimes to see how God can bring good out of bad situations, but He can, and He does. And just because a tragedy happens in one place, doesn't mean its only going to affect those people in that area. It can affect people all over the world.
God knows what He's doing. I've learned that, and I've learned to trust Him. I've been through hard tiems with some of my friends, but we've come out of it stronger, with a stronger friendship, because we know that God has brought us into each others lives for a reason, and we work through the issues instead of giving up.
God is good, and He can take the most horrific thing in the world and bring good out of it, and it can affect just about anyone. He has blessed me immensly from Columbine and other bad things that happened to me. And I thank Him for that.I thank Craig and my friend Rachel for blessing me every day with thier friendship, thier love for God, and their acceptance of me as a person. And I thank Rachel Scott for showing me, through her stories, how to be a true blue friend, and how to live for Jesus.I want people to see in me, what I saw in her. I want people to
look at me and say “ that girl has something I want, something I need. She has Jesus, and I want
Jesus. I need Jesus.” I saw that love for Jesus in Rachel Scott, I see it in Craig, and I see it in my
friend Rachel. I want people to see it in me. I challenge you..let people see Jesus in you. Reach
out to someone at school, at lunchtime or in a class or whenever. Let them see the incredible
love that you have for Jesus, and the love that He has for you. Let them see Jesus in you. Thank you for letting my share my testimony with you. I pray that God will work in your life, and bless you like He has blessed me!
Recently, I had the chance to share my testimony with a group of students from a church in St Louis, MO. We stood on top of Rebel Hill, and I told them my story! (He is also opening doors for me to share it in other places, so prayers would be appreciated)!
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