On this page I will tell you how it feels when you are immersed in grief. Are you prepared to take a bit of a journey into deep grief? well then, make yourself very comfortable so each blow it's not too hard to take.
"The services are now over..." This is the moment when my nightmare begun and that is the only part of the services that is clear in my mind, I felt sureal as if someone had taken me out of my body and had given me super human strength, my mind had shut off completly. The moment the Minister of The Spiritualist Center spoke these words is when the impact of the last weeks of Fred's life dawned on me. My body was assaulted by chills and nausea came in deep waves. I could not move out of the pew I was in. I realized then that I would never see Fred in the same body again. I also realized that all these years I had been so very happy and now the years had come to an end. The nightmare started the minute I got home from the services, I had had next to no sleep for the past two weeks and I was running on pure will power, the will power to go on just until the funeral services were over, then I could let my grief flow free and and it did flow free for the next two years. The minute those services were over, I was no more the same person that was before Fred made his crossing. Actually the nightmare starts the moment of my loved one's heart attack and the feeling of terror I experienced. I remember how hopeless I felt then and also how powerless, I understood how insignificant we are as beings, we have no say when the law of life takes place. I didn't want Fred to go but I had no choice into the matter, I had to accept what was the inevitable. I remember how I felt when he had the first cardiac arrest, I was right there and I got so very terrified, I felt so very small and alone. From that moment on I was aprehensive all the time, when I would come home to shower and change, how I would dread the ringing of the phone, I still dread it when the phone rings so I keep my phones off the hook. I would be so scared that they would phone me to tell me that while I was not there that Fred had succumbed to death and so each time that phone rang I would feel so cold and so alone and I would say a silent prayer so that it would be anyone but the news of his demise. I remember too the day he died, I went and took my place beside him and talked and talked to him until he did take his last breath. From then on it was as if someone has erased my memory, I have tried to remember but no use because my mind is blank. I know that I wrote the eulogy but I don't remember details of those days after he made his crossing. I also don't remember what I ate or what I wore, it's all a blank. I remember the day of the funeral for Fred just in bits and pieces, it was as if I was under the power of some internal anaesthetic of some kind and I was running on pure will power, as if by divine inervention amnesia had set in and it shielded me from the intense pain, the will power not to go completly mad. My memories stop the minute he died. I remember all the week before he took his last breath but from then on I remember very little, just a few odds and ends. it's all a blur of confussion, it's as if I was looking at myself from outside of myself. I remember how when he started taking the last few breaths I did not cry at all, I just remained by his side trying to relax him because I knew that the last thing to go is the ability to hear so I did talk to him and I told him...and I told him that I'd be okay, yes I did, I reasured him that I could make it without having him in the flesh, oh but how wrong I was but I didn't have to say that to him, I told him that I would be alright and it has been the most difficult time for me, I remember that after the funeral I was always wanting to join him on the Other Side of Life which is quite normal at the time, but never acting on this impulse, just wanting to make my crossing. I no longer want to go to the Other Side of Life, I want to be alive because I feel more hope and I don't feel the intense pain from the lack of Fred's physical presence, I feel so much better now. The memories of my life with Fred are still there but they don't cause me pain any more, I am able to think and not cry, oh there are still times when I get that I don't understand why this had to happen, I always made sure that he went for all medical tests but he still died, I don't understand that one, how could the doctors not see this coming, but, it's because I am human and I need an answer but perhaps there is no explantion for why it happen but it was his time and no one but no one can stop the laws of life. Some people have asked me if I believe that we don't die then why did I go through such a very difficult mourning period? I say to these ones that even though we may believe in life after life, I am human and I will react to grief any which way my body and mind decide and not how I would like to react, after all, the mind will be numbed for quite a while until the shock wears off after the demise of your loved one dawns on you, it is not lack of faith but it is because we are human and we are on the earth that we feel emotions and if we were not meant to feel at all we would not have been given tears to cry or any feelings to feel what so ever. I may believe very much in life after life but I am human and I miss my dad's phone calls and I miss my mom's voice and the feeling of great happiness I felt each time they'd phone and I miss having Fred in the flesh but I know for a fact that they are alright and they wait till the day that I take my last breath and I too can go and reside on....The Other Side Of Life.
~*~ Silvermoon ~*~
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