Ways To Help Children
As in all situations, honesty is the best
way to deal with children. Talk to the child
in a language that he can understand.
Remember to listen to the child and try
to understand what the child is saying
and, just as importantly, what he's not saying.
Children need to feel that the death is an
open subject and that they can express their
thoughts or questions as they arise.
Below are just a few ways adults can help
children face the death of someone close to them.
1. THE CHILD'S FIRST CONCERN MAY BE
"WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME NOW."
(A) Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
(B) Show affection, and assure the child that
those who love him still do
and that they will take care of him.
2. THE CHILD WILL PROBABLY HAVE MANY
QUESTIONS AND MAY NEED TO ASK THEM
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
(A) Encourage the child to ask questions
and give honest, simple answers that
can be understood. Repeated questions
require patience and continued expression
of caring.
(B) Answers should be based on the needs
the child seems to be expressing,
not necessarily on the exact words used.
3. THE CHILD WILL NOT KNOW APPROPRIATE
BEHAVIOUR FOR THE SITUATION.
(A) Encourage the child to talk about his feelings and
share with him how you feel. You are
a model for how one expresses feelings.
It is helpful to cry. It is not
helpful to be told how one
should or should not feel.
(B) Allow the child to express his caring for you.
Loving is giving "and" taking.
4. THE CHILD MAY FEAR THAT HE ALSO MAY DIE
OR HE SOMEHOW CAUSED THE DEATH.
(A) Reassure the child about the cause of the death
and explain that any thoughts he may have had about
the person who died did "not" cause
the death.
(B) Reassure him that this does "not" mean someone else
he loves is likely to die soon.
5. THE CHILD MAY WISH TO BE A PART OF
THE FAMILY RITUALS.
(A) Explain these to him and include him in deciding
how he will participate. Remember that he should
be prepared beforehand, told what to expect,
and have a supporting adult with him.
Do not force him to do anything he doesn't
feel comfortable doing.
6. THE CHILD MAY SHOW REGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR.
(A) A common reaction to stress is reverting to an
earlier stage of development. (For example,
a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed wetting;
or, may need to go back
into diapers or have a bottle for a time).
Support the child in this and keep in mind
that these regressions are temporary. Adults can
help prepare a child to deal with future losses
of those who are significant by helping the child
handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings
when a pet dies or when death is discussed
in a story or on television. In helping
children understand and cope with death, remember four
key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and
Be Consistent.
