Strategies For Helping Yourself If You Are In A Misogynistic Relationship, Part II

Step Five: Slow Down And Check How You Are Treating Yourself.

For many women, one of the dangers in accepting the truth about their situations is that they may turn their new awareness against themselves. For this reason, Dr. Forward explains that she takes time out from the work she has been doing to check on how her clients are treating themselves. Typically, she says she hears statements like these:

How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have let this happen to me?

I'm furious with myself for being so blind.

I'm a smart person, so how could I have been so wrong?

I may be angry at him, but I'm even angrier at myself for putting up with it.

It is vitally important that you don't add self-inflicted punishment to the punishment you are already experiencing in your relationship. Instead of putting yourself down for not having seen the truth before, acknowledge yourself for the courage and determination you've shown by looking honestly at yourself and your partner and by making the important and frightening commitment to change your relationship. Force yourself to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones.

Nurturing Yourself When You Are Hurting

Begin to devote a certain amount of time each day to doing things that feel good to you. It is essential to your well-being and your mental health that you start taking care of yourself as you would of someone else. Now make a list of the things that you find enjoyment in doing, as for example:

I will take a long bubble bath.

I will take a walk on the beach at sunset.

I will set aside time to listen to my favorite music.

I will hug my friends when we meet and when we say good-bye.

I will go out to lunch with my best friend.

I will get my hair done on a regular basis.

I will put makeup on everyday, even if I decide to just stay at home.

I will start swimming again.

I will start to work on some favorite project on a regular basis.

Your Personal Bill Of Rights

You have the right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior.

You have the right to be treated with respect.

You have the right to get angry.

You have the right to say no.

You have the right to make mistakes.

You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions and convictions.

You have the right to change your mind or to decide on a different course of action.

You have the right to negotiate for change.

You have the right to ask for emotional support or help.

You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.

Now you should be ready for what Dr. Forward calls rewriting the script. Women in misogynistic relationships tend to get locked into scripts with their partners in which each plays an assigned role: if he yells, she apologizes, if he criticizes, she defends herself. Dr. Forward explains that to help her clients change the outcomeof these little dramas, she first helps her clients rewrite the scripts. In this article Dr. Forward explains that her client Paula told her tht Gerry became enraged if his dinner wasn't ready when he walked through the front door. When Dr. Forward asked Paula what she did when this happened, Paula said, I tell him I'm sorry, and then I try to find some excuse that will calm him down while I scamper around trying to get dinner fixed as fast as I can. Dr. Forward explains that the problem with this response is that it is defensive. Paula is placing herself immediately on the one-down position when you give good reasons or explanations for why you didn't do something your partner wanted you to do. Dr. Forward explains that Paula needed to learn some nondefensive responses. Dr. Forward told Paula to try one of the following the next time Gerry flew off the handle about dinner:

You're right, dinner is not ready.

I don't blame you for being so upset.

Perhaps I'll do better next time, I'll try.

Let's eat out instead.

Dr. Forward explains that Paula found this approach had an unexpected payoff: It enabled her to get off her automatic pilot responses. She recognized that she had some control over the interaction. It also gave Garry little opportunity to continue his tirade. When she stopped defending herself, she took of the steam out of his attack. It was a revelation for Paula to discover that the late dinner was not the real issue. It was simply an excuse for Gerry to escalate his psychological warfare againt her and to convince her that she didn't care enough about him. Dr. Forward goes on to explain that in order to change our relationships, one of the parties has to start behaving like an adult. It's not likely to be your partner if he is a misogynist. By using nondefensive responses, you begin to set up a climate that is less explosive. It is essential to establish this climate before you can begin to actually set limits on his behavior. To take the next step toward rewriting the old script, you must learn how to set limits on your partner's behavior. You will need to clearly define to your partner both what you want and what you will no longer tolerate. Be specific, make lists and act on them.

Getting What You Want For Yourself

Once you have set limits and won some respect from your partner, you will be in a position to approach him about the things you want in the relationship. Narrow down your desires to a few key points so that you won't barrage your partner with too many demands at once. In setting limits on your partner's behavior, remember, your goal is not to change him but to change how he treats you! You cannot overhaul a man's basic personality by setting limits. However, you can teach him how to treat you better by clearly defining what you will and won't accept. As a result, there will be less emotional chaos in your relationship. It is a slow process and it takes courage, but in many cases it works.

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