I Should have Known
by Helen
The light breeze gently ruffles my hair as sakuras float softly down to earth. I turn and I can feel the smile upon my face. Because in distance, I see him.
'Duo...'
His backs to me but the chestnut braid unmistakable. My eyes grow damp as I start forth towards him. Closer to him...
'He is here...'
The long twine of hair resting against his back pendulous with the gust of wind. And I keep walking...
'Duo is here.'
Walking faster and faster. He turns around slowly and I meet his eyes. His... sad eyes. It seems that... something is pulling him. Pulling him away.
'No...'
Alarm grips me as realization hits. I quicken my pace.
'Duo.'
Jogging. Running. Sprinting.
'Don't leave!'
Farther and farther...
'Duo!!!'
Lost in the whirlwind of flower petals...
'Don't leave me...'
Lost in the light...
'Duo...'
I blink, finally returning to reality and becoming aware of my surroundings once again. The delicate raindrops outside, hitting the window softly and me in my bedroom. Glancing over at the clock, it tells me over 3 hours have passed.
Three hours... just nothing more than time wasted.
Day after day, night after night, I would sit here with the diary opened to the blotted letters //m lea//, run my fingers over the dry evidence of sorrow, and stare blankly. Vacantly.
Sometimes the diary. Sometimes the wall. Sometimes nothing...
It's been almost 2 weeks since he departed. He hasn't called. Perhaps impossible because of the time difference. After all, 12 hours is a big difference. Occasionally I receive letters but... I want to hear his voice.
'I miss him...'
Looking out the window, the light drizzle that was falling has stopped. Blinking slowly, I come to a decision... to go back to the park with the sakura trees.
Call it wishful thinking...
Walking there swiftly, I think back on that day he first brought me here. Him with me.... by my side. I had hoped that he would stay forever.
Who would have thought the day of separation would come?
~*~*~*~*~
People. There are so many people. What are they are doing here? This is not their place. This is ours. Mine... and Duo's.
I want to shout, to tell them to leave but I couldn't. It is meaningless without Duo here.
[toorisugiru
koibito-tachi no waraigoe
mune wo shimetsukeru]
(The laughing voices
of lovers passing by
makes me get all choked up)
I blink hard as my eyes fill with the familiar fluid. These people, they are what I want to be... hope to be... wish to be... with Duo. I want to laugh like them and... and to be loved like them. Why can't I?
Because he's not here. There is no want, hope, or wish. Because it'll never happen...
I walk away... leaving the park behind me.
[ameagari no
shuumatsu no gogo na no ni
watashi hitori machi wo aruku]
(Even though the rain has stopped
on this weekend afternoon
I'm walking the streets all alone)
Bustling people, but I'm in my own world. I cannot hear them, I cannot see them. People bump against me but I take no notice.
Duo is gone, and now the one place where I can truly be with him again is gone as well.
No longer mine. No longer ours.
The distance between me and the park continues to grow.
[soba ni
itai no ni]
(Even though
I want to be with you)
~*~*~*~*~
Night falls upon me like a soft blanket but I continue to wander, trying to keep my tears... my pain inside.
There is no more meaning left.
I thought that just because Duo was my neighbor for over a year, he would continue to be... or be something more.
But...
[sonna koto wakatte-ita hazu
suki ni nareba natta dake]
(I should have known this
If I fell in love with you that much)
Gripping the front of my apparel with my clasped fist, my eyes close tightly as my mind desperately wishes to be taken back into the quiet comforts that solitude has once offered me.
The detachment. The isolation. The... the loneliness...
[kurushimu koto]
(I would hurt just as much)
'No... I... I won't. I won't forget.'
[setsunai ne wakatte-iru no ni
omotte-iru anata dake wo]
(Even though I know it's heart-wrenching
I keep thinking only of you)
'No matter how much it hurts...'
Loosing the tight hold on my clothing, I slowly return home.
Passing by the park one last time.
[konna ni
aenai toki mo]
(even when
I can't see you)
~*~*~*~*~
[donna toki mo
issho ni ite hoshii nante
omoccha ikenai to]
(Even though
I know I shouldn't think about
how I wish we could always be together)
I open my eyes slowly against the sunlight penetrating through the thin layer of thread fluttering gently in the wind.
'Morning... so soon?'
I roll over onto my back, my hand covering my eyes from the aurora of light. The harshness of reality returns like it had so many dawns before.
I have yet to accept it. I have yet to let go.
[osaete-ita
watashi no kokoro no koe
tomerarezu ni ima mo afure
sou de]
(even now the voice of my heart
which I've tried to suppress
seems to overflow
endlessly)
'I can't... Duo, I can't. I won't...'
Tears burn behind my eyelids. I shut them tightly... angrily. Hands clench, nails biting into my palms as the moisture flows out, branching out into tiny rivulets down my face.
[kurushii no]
(so much so that it hurts)
The sun had long moved away from the window before I roll to my side, taking no notice of the dampened spot under my cheek.
Drained and yet still unable to cry myself tearless.
[watashi ni wa wakatte-ita hazu]
aishitatte hitorijime
dekinai koto]
(I should have known
I just can't keep my love for you
inside all to myself)
So many chances. Now no more.
Life is full of risks. Why didn't I just take one? Just one.
Surely it cannot be as painful as this... an aching heart constricting with every beat, spreading nothing but afflictive misery through the bloodstream, only to have it spring back through the veins.
Everything hurts...
[demo ima wa taisetsu na omoi
watashi dake ga mieru hontou
shinijite
aishi-tsudzukeru]
(But now it's a precious thought
I believe in the truth
only I see
and keep on loving you)
Love hurts... especially the kind of love that is kept inside.
Never offered, therefore never returned.
[watashi ni wa wakatte-ita hazu]
aishitatte hitorijime
dekinai koto]
(I should have known
I just can't keep my love for you
inside all to myself)
I just can't anymore.
Resolve spreads through me, and clutching onto it I arise from the bed toward my writing desk, where paper lay scattered and a pen was thrown carelessly days before.
[demo ima wa taisetsu na omoi]
(But now it's a precious thought)
Picking up the supine pen, I touch it to the thin material.
[watashi dake ga mieru hontou
shinijite]
(I believe in the truth
only I see)
'Dear Duo...'
[aishi-tsudzukeru]
(and keep on loving you)
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