The Road to Enlightenment
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, People will think we're nuts."

A woman named Emily, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mom."
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically."
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a highsounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know...The words simply popped out."I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom".
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 at $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates to $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day, or just over a dollar an hour!!
Still, you might think the best financial advice is to not have children at all if you want to be "rich". Actually, it is just the opposite...

What do you get for your $160,140???

* Naming rights. First, middle and last!

* Glimpses of God every day.

* Giggles under the covers every night.

* More love than your heart can hold.

* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to

* finger-paint,

* carve pumpkins,

* play hide-and-seek,

* catch lightning bugs, and

* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep

* reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,

* watching Saturday morning cartoons,

* going to Disney movies, and

* wishing on stars.

You get to

* frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets

* collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas

* handprints set in clay for Mother's Day

* cards with backward letters for Father's Day

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof

* taking the training wheels off a bike

* removing a splinter

* filling a wading pool

* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs

* coaching a baseball (soccer, basketball, football) team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless

You get a front row seat to history to witness

* the first step

* first word

* first bra

* first date

* first time behind the wheel

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

You get an education in

* psychology

* nursing

* criminal justice

* communications

* human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to

* heal a boo-boo

* scare away the monsters under the bed

* patch a broken heart

* police a slumber party

* ground them forever

* love them without limits, so . . . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

YOU ARE INDEED RICH!!!

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!

Dear God,
I asked God to take away my habit.­
God said, No.­ It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.­

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.­
God said, No.­ His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary­

I asked God to grant me patience.­
God said, No.­ Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.­

I asked God to give me happiness.­
God said, No.­ I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.­

I asked God to spare me pain.­
God said, No.­ Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.­

I asked God to make my spirit grow.­
God said, No.­ You must grow on your own! I will prune you to make you fruitful.­

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.­
God said, No.­ I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.­

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.­
God said..­.Ahhhh, ­ finally you have the idea.

"BITCHDOM"

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, They call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, They call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame.
Try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
YOU WON'T SUCCEED!

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B = Babe
I = In
T = Total
C = Control of
H = Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

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