Why Remy Never -poofed- Out of Madripoor
Chapter 3
Welcome to the Party

Bishop sat down in the control room and called up the outside monitors. He focused on the one that was pointed where he last saw Remy and Fury, and backed up the digital feed about ten minutes.

Sure enough, there they were, arguing one second, and then poof! There they weren't. Bishop frowned. He did not as of yet know about the concept of muse-powered -poofing-. To him, what he had seen was just a mysterious 'poof!'.

"What're ya'll doin', B?" Rogue's southern drawl came drifting into the control room and actually startled him. "Wuz that Remy Ah saw on that monitor? What’s that Cajun doing? Ya'll can tell me all peaceably-like, or Ah can force it outta ya." She grinned in a way that made Bishop uncomfortable. Such a pretty young woman, and to have all that power over a big guy like him… he hated it.

Rogue and Remy were back 'on' again, and she had been growing suspicious of the mysterious disappearances he had been pulling every time he went musing. And that wasn't just with Yez. He had a whole slew of authors. And all of them were single women. The fact that Remy and Rogue were 'on' again was proof enough to Bishop that her threat was serious. "I can show you what I found on the monitor, but that's all I know, Rogue." She leaned in and watched, and Jean popped her head in behind them. Bishop groaned, almost silently.

Great… The Red Menace, too. Just what I need, two overly-curious, jealous women demanding information…

"Nicholas and Remy asked about Logan. So I wanna see, too." Jean edged Rogue out of the way and the damn near indestructible woman sneered back at her.

Henna-dependent bitch.

"Hmmm… Just how did they do that, Bishop?"

"I do not know."

"Well, where'd they get off to?" Rogue pushed.

"I do not know."

"What are they up to, Bishop?" He felt Jean enter his mind and put up a shield, just because he could.

"I do not know."

"Are you lying to me, Bishop?" Jean pressed him.

"No. I truly do not know. The wall is up because you have entered my mind without asking permission, and I find that quite rude."

"Well then maybe Ah can use another method ta get it out of you, Bishop!" Rogue grabbed him by the collar and he tried not to look scared.

Jean placed a hand on Rogue's covered arm. "That will not be necessary, dear."

"Whut?"

"Fury works for SHIELD. They implant subcutaneous transmitters on all of their agents. All I need to do is probe Sharon Carter's mind the next time she takes a nap, and get the assigned frequency. We can follow him that way." Jean smiled tightly.

"Yer evil, Red," Rogue muttered, and not at all as a compliment. "But if it'll work, then go right ahead."

"I've already started scanning for her sleep patterns. And Bishop here can come along with whatever equipment he needs to perform such a tracking… isn’t that right, Bishop?"

The big man groaned. Between Rogue's frightening powers and Jean's relentless mental grip, he knew he had no choice with these two. "I'll get a vehicle ready."

***

"Well, we can’t just -poof- all the equipment, and we'll never get it checked onto a plane." Ice's angry frown made hard lines on her face as she thought of the boxes of weapons and electronics they had left with Remy.

"Okay, Bobby, thanks anyways." Logan hit the 'end' button on his cell phone. "The blackbird ain't available." Wolverine growled in clipped tones. Ice was upset about Yez, which had in turn pissed him off. Besides, he hadn’t had the chance to apologize to the Queen yet, and that was up there on his list of things to do. It wasn't necessarily at the top… Certain things about Ice's anatomy seemed to be occupying those slots. But saving Yez and making up with her was in the top ten. Hopefully, she wouldn’t die before he got that chance…

Still, he'd had it with keeping his tongue silent on the matter at hand. "Ice! Baby, you don't gotta do this! Me n' Nick are professionals! Just let us handle it, please!"

Ice strapped yet another knife to her boots and checked the ammo belts snaking in and out of her legs and arms. Her green camouflage fatigue's fit her perfectly... and in between trying to persuade her to give up the GI Jane act, Logan couldn't help but stare at her butt as she bent over, and gape at the exposed cleavage of her black lace bra when she stood back up and pulled her hair back in a dangerous ponytail. There was no sense in her doing something this rash if she wasn't gonna look absolutely gorgeous while doing it.

She adjusted her cap, pulling the ponytail through the back, and spoke to Logan in no-nonsense tones. "She's my friend and a fellow author. If you think i'm gonna sit on my ass while she could be gettin' killed - or worse - then you don't know me at all."

-poof-

Nick popped in dressed to the nines for war, and settled the butt of his largest gun in the crook of his hip. He took the lit stogie out of his mouth and actually looked at Ice first.

"You ready, Sweetheart?"

"Yes." She went to stand next to Nick, and they both looked at Logan expectantly.

"Well, come on, Wolverine. Yer author's ready - are you?"

Logan waved his hands in the air. "What?! You too?! Talk her outta this, Fury!"

Ice and Nick stood firm, emotionless. Finally Nick spoke. "Either get over it or get out of the way, mutant. We need all the help we can get and she's lookin' pretty... capable... to me, pal."

Wolverine was still pissed off, but he had to admit she looked totally hot in the get-up. He sighed and grabbed his author by her collar, disgusted that he lost argument. "This stinks," he spat.

-poof-

-poof-

They were greeted by an irate Remy in the exact same spot, only it was the Marville version of Bandillo, North Dakota, Ice's home. She would have freaked out at the paradox, but she was too far gone in her Special Forces Sex Kitten personality to care.

"It's about damn time! I got de truck all loaded up, since none o' you could help Gambit."

"Quit yer gripin', LeBeau. You sure ya can find Dupree, once we get to the Quarter?" Nick chewed on his stogie.

"Oui, Mon General. He gots a big mansion in de bayou, an' Gambit know dat Antoine gon' to have de place heavily guarded wit men an' weapons… not to mention de alligators…"

"Alligators?" Wolverine looked over at him incredulously.

"Oui. He keeps some o' dem as pets…"

Nick frowned. First Yez's shark nightmare comes true, now she's imprisoned in a place with alligators running around. My poor author…

"Then we're definitely gonna need all this shit, but I can’t check out any SHIELD aircraft for this. Carter would expect full disclosure, and she would have my head if I told her what it wuz for. An' I ain't goin' there…" Nick wanted Yez back worse than any of them, but he wasn't going to suffer humiliation at the hands of his co-workers.

"You sure she would have de General's head? Or would dat be his pride?" Remy was in a very, very bad mood. He figured that beating the hell out of Nick might make him feel better, even if the guy killed him. Nick clenched his teeth and got in Remy's face. "Oh, mon ami, you are so intimidating - Non! Look at me, Msr. Furious! Gambit be so scared of you!" He pushed Nick in the shoulder.

"LeBeau…" he hissed, "When this is over…"

"Yes! When this is over! But not now, you testosteronally imbalanced assholes!" Ice bellowed at them and shoved them apart. "We need to get moving. Now shut up and get in the truck." She sat in the driver's seat and Logan immediately piled in next to her. They stared at each other for a minute. He leaned over near her and whispered.

"That was impressive, Darlin… Ya gonna push me around like that someday?" The glint in his eye was too much for her to take.

"Only if you want," she whispered back.

"I want."

She let go the wheel from her grip and pulled his face to hers in a demanding kiss.

Nick and Remy piled into the back seat and groaned at the make-out king and his Princess. "How long do you t'ink dis is gonna take, General?"

"Colonel, you red-eyed punk. Fourteen to twenty-two hours, depending." He stared at the lovers, still going at it.

"Dependin' on what?"

"On how often these two are gonna stop to homogenize the damn fluids in their mouths!" He yelled so loud the windows shook. Wolverine broke the kiss and wiped his mouth. He turned his head to glare at Nick, who retuned the gesture. "Can we get a move on? Please?"

Ice grumbled under her breath and started up the truck, peeling out with the radio blasting. Nick yelled something from the back about changing the station or, preferably, turning it off entirely. "It's my truck, Fury, and I'll listen to whatever the hell I want to! And put out that damn stogie! No smoking in the Princess's chariot!"

Nick grumbled and tossed it out the window.

"I kinda like the tunes, babe…" Logan slid a hand up her fatigued thigh and squeezed. She shivered inwardly.

"You keep doing that, and we're gonna end up overturned in a ditch on the side of the road." She grinned at him playfully as he refused to remove his hand.

Remy looked at Fury, sighing. "Fourteen to twenty-two hours? You sure 'bout dat, General?"

***

Dupree had spent half the time he was with Yezra cooing to her in French and kissing her sweetly. All Yez could do was smile and shrug, hoping he wouldn't flip out on her while they were in the confines of the small room. In that time, between his Cajun English and his French, she managed to get a hazy picture of what was happening, other than the fact that this guy was a little light in the load in the sanity department.

Okay, Remy took this Genine chick from this wacko, whoever she is. The Cajun seduced her, or so it seems… Gee, how surprising, Remy broke another heart… And now he thinks I'm Genine and I'm with Remy, and he wants me back. Hoo-kaaay…

Antoine put the extremely expensive, extremely old and extremely stolen necklace around her throat, and secured the clasp. The whole time she was shaking inwardly… praying that something wouldn't set him off, like a non-Genine mole on her Yezra neck, and give him cause to strangle her.

After about a half-hour of fawning over her, he left her in her bedroom prison. She sat on the bed and exhaled. "Well, girl, you're in it now. This is like a romance novel, turned bad TV movie-of-the-week, only I'm not laughing." Yezra fell back on the bed and snippets of lousy cable movies flashed before her eyes. "They better not get that Bertinelli chick to play me. It's Lena Olin, or it's nobody."

She hugged her shoulders and looked over at the dress lying next to her on the bed. Knowing full well she was expected to put it on and come down to dinner, she sneered.

"Hmpf. This isn’t even our color."

***

Nick, the military genius that he was, decided for the heroes rushing to Yezra's rescue that stopping for more than ten minutes was out of the question. They'd been driving for a while and he realized that he needed to take a major leak. And if it was time for him to pee, then by God so would everyone else. He was in take the helm commando mode, and there was no arguing with him.

They drove straight through from the Marville version of Bandillo to North Platte, Nebraska. They pulled off to the side of the road in a wooded area, and ran off in separate directions to do their own things. Remy and Nick were still in the woods when Wolverine and Ice met back at the car.

They looked at each other briefly, looked around, and then flew into each other's arms. Logan kissed her hard, and managed to open the door to the back seat of her truck. He tossed her gently onto the bench seat and got in with her, flipping them over immediately.

Logan pulled at her t-shirt and slid his hands up her back. "I can’t stand this waitin', Darlin," Wolverine growled quietly in her hair.

"Me either," Ice growled back, undoing his belt buckle and kissing him again.

"How long do you think we got?" he asked quickly, in between kisses.

"Not long," she whined, as he nibbled on her neck and she grabbed his sideburns. "How long can they possibly pee?"

A Cajun-like snicker behind them was suddenly heard.

"Not long enough, apparently." Fury took a puff on his new stogie and smirked at them. All they could see was boots and legs hanging out of the back seat door, and Ice's rump on top of it all. She twisted her head back and narrowed her eyes at the on-lookers.

"I'd tell you two ta get a damn room, but that ain't gonna happen. So let's get goin'." Fury walked past Remy and moved around to the passenger's side of the truck. At first they all thought he was just going to sit in the front, but he yanked open the back door, grabbed Logan, and tossed him in the front seat. Then he got in the back next to Ice, and smiled at her smugly. She waved her hand in front of her face and coughed at the cigar smoke. Logan grumbled something rude, and Remy sat in the driver's seat. Ice sat up and fixed her hair. The Cajun smiled at her in the rear-view mirror, and this time all she did was blush.

***

At dinner, Yezra kept her eyes down, as she had no idea what was going to happen next. She could play this game with Antoine, or pull some psychobabble and try to talk him out of it. The problem was, she had no idea how far gone this guy was, and that meant that one course of action may save her, while the other one would probably get her gutted. So she kept her mouth shut, and smiled sweetly, and listened. The collar on her dress was high and lacy and it itched, and she kept tugging at it. What looked like a raw twenty-pound turkey sat in the middle of the table.

God, probably part of some funky Cajun cuisine he'll want me to eat…

Dupree said something to the man standing next to him in French, and the stiff henchmen walked out. He looked over at Yezra. "You look beautiful Genine. I have missed you terribly. Is de room to your satisfaction?"

She looked up and quietly replied, "My room is lovely."

"I am pleased. Do you not like de dress, Chère? It looks very nice on you."

"The dress is fine. It just itches a little, you know, from the heat…" She smiled. She ate her soup in silence. The henchmen came back in with something she had never seen before. Two alligators, young, only about six feet long including their tails, were on heavy leashes being led by the large servant into the dining room. Dupree smiled when he saw them and started cooing to them in French, just like he had to Yezra in the bedroom earlier. He stood up, and picked up the turkey carcass from the table, tossing it to the beasts on the floor. They gobbled up the treat, crunching the bones and ripping the bird apart between them as they hissed their displeasure at having to share it. Dupree smiled and looked over at Yezra. "Dey were hungry gators, so I give dem a lil' snack, eh?" He grinned.

Yez was speechless. She had only ever seen alligators at the zoo, far away and caged securely, or on that crazy Australian guy's show. She found Steve very entertaining, but never, ever wanted to see what he did up close.

"Oh! Where be my manners! Genine, my love, please meet Cayenne and Paprika, lil' boy and girl twin gators born on de farm here last Spring. Ain' dey cute?" He nudged one of them with his boot heel and it hissed back.

"I… I… oh…" was all she could muster.

Dupree chuckled and had them ushered out of the room. He sat back down and began to eat his steak.

"Antoine?" Yez's voice was very small.

His head popped up, smiling large. That was the first time she had called him by name since she had gotten there. "Yes, ma Chère?"

"I'm very tired. Do you mind if I go on up to bed early?"

He smiled at her softly. "Of course not, Chère. Sleep tight. Don' let de bedbugs bite. Or de alligators!" He actually giggled. Yezra stood up, as another large male servant pulled her chair out for her. She gulped when she realized that she almost told him not to, that she could just do it herself.

Genine's probably the type of girl that's had that stuff done for her all her life… gotta watch it, Yez…

On her way back to the room, Yezra felt more desperate than ever, she was trapped here and she hated being controlled. She decided to make a break for it.

Running for the nearest door, several men started shouting and running after her. She swung the door open and started to bolt out into the hot swamp, but there sat Cayenne and Paprika on long chains on the porch. They turned at her and charged. Yez tripped trying to back up. She crawled backwards away from them as they advanced. She rammed into a cement pillar and pulled her knees up tight, shutting her eyes to the horror of becoming lizard food. The chains caught, and the young alligators halted their rampage, snapping at her hands and knees, which were just out of their reach. She opened her eyes and looked at them, whimpering.

The alligators suddenly backed off when Antoine yelled and kicked them out of the way. He stood above her, huge and powerful, glaring. She swallowed hard, and could do no more than to look back up at him. Now angered, he threw her over his shoulder like she was a wet sock and marched back into the house, taking the stairs to her bedroom prison three at a time. He kicked the door open and Antoine tossed Yez on the antique bed. She heard it crack with the force. She stared up at him with wide eyes, figuring that strangulation part had to be next.

"What is wrong wit you Chère?! Antoine give you everyt'in he got! Der is not'in for you to want when you are wit me! Why do you try to run from me?" He shook his fist at her and she realized that she was in far worse trouble than she previously thought. This guy was right on the edge.

Somewhere in the back of Yezra's head was a little voice that said, 'Doya wanna live or not, butt head? You start thinking that you're this Genine chick right now, and give this guy a good show. Hopefully that'll distract him - long enough for Nicky to find an elephant gun, find you, and then shoot him.'

She looked at Antoine and managed a few tears and trembling lower lip. "Antoine! You must understand! I am not with Remy anymore, I have been living in the city since I left, alone, not with Remy! I only tried to run because I have gotten used to living there, and you have freaked me out a little with this life-in-the-swamp routine! Why won't you let me leave?! I don’t like Remy like that!" Yezra cried, and it wasn't totally a lie…

'Cuz I like Nicky like that, you big insane French fruitcake…

Antoine got all mushy on her again. "Oh, Ma sweet Chère! I knew dat you still loved me best!" He fell to his knees again and hugged her to him. "Antoine shall take you into de city tomorrow and buy you new clothes and a TV! I'll even get de satellite dish! Anyt'in to make you happy an' want to stay here wit me!"

Yezra rolled her eyes and pat him on his huge head. God help me…

***

The intrepid author, mutants and soldier had managed to make it all the way to Emporia, Kansas, without killing each other. They stopped for more gas and caffeine. The men satisfied themselves with coffee from the gas station, but Ice wanted a cola and a candy bar, so she went in the convenience store across the street to satisfy her sweet tooth. Remy and Nick became civil for a moment and decided to check the truck's engine for any problems. Logan followed after Ice while they weren't looking.

He got behind her in line at the register. She tried not to laugh as he tickled her stomach.

While she was paying for her soda and candy, he whispered something in her ear, and the clerk noticed she flushed from head to toe and nodded to him slowly. They walked out of the store hand in hand and he dragged her behind the side of the building into an alley.

Logan pushed Ice up against the brick wall and started kissing her, once again. He was determined, if nothing else, to at least get to second base with her before mom and dad caught them.

"I wanted our first time to be in a five-star hotel, babe." He said gruffly as he pulled back from kissing her. "With spumanti an' gourmet chocolate. Not in some alley with snickers an' a cola…"

"Shut up an' get yer pants off," she muttered fast, pulling his lips back to hers.

***

"Hey - de Princess been gone a long time, non Wolverine?" They looked over to Logan, to find he was not there.

Nick rolled his eyes and sighed. "Not a-freakin-gain! Cripes!!"

They jogged across the street and searched the store for the would-be lovers. Fury nearly grabbed the kid behind the counter and asked him if they had been in the store.

"Oh! Those two. Yep. They was real friendly together. Ah think theys in the alley overcher." He pointed the direction he'd seen Ice and Logan dart off to.

Logan had Ice's fatigue shirt off, and was happily working on her tank top when he felt a huge hand pull him off of her. "Tsk tsk tsk, you kids today… no patience." Fury dragged the feral away and left Ice to Remy. She shrugged and pulled her tank strap back up.

"Lemme go, Nicholas! I wasn't finished back there!" Logan growled. Fury curled his lip and walked him all the way across the street. "Zip up yer fly, Logan. Ya look ridiculous."

***

Antoine knocked on Yez's door a few hours after the dinner fiasco. She sighed, and walked away from the window, where she had been scrutinizing the property as best she could.

She opened the door, and there stood Antoine, wine, rose and glasses in hand. He was leaning on the doorframe seductively, shirt open to his waist, tight pants, hair tousled back. She tried not to groan out loud, and smiled weakly.

"Antoine, I am very tired…"

"Oui, I can imagine… But not too tired for de love o' your man, neh?" She could tell by his posturing and his expression that he was trying to imitate the Cajun. But Yezra was one of many women alive who knew there was no substitute for Remy LeBeau.

"Well, yes, actually, I am too tired for de love o' my man."

He entered the room and shut the door, setting the wine and the glasses down on her dresser and turned to face her. He stepped forward and delicately ran the rosebud over her features. "Your blonde hair, your blue eyes… I have missed you Genine."

Somehow she stopped her eyes from popping out of her head. A Blue-eyed blonde Yez was not. He is so further gone than I thought.

Antoine leaned down, and taking her in his massive arms, kissed her full on the lips. She pretended to care, but he was really bad at it.

Obviously, all the talent for kissing in this family ran to the LeBeau blood and bypassed Dupree's…

About to pass out because he wouldn’t let her up for air, she freaked when she felt his tongue, and broke the kiss.

God, Yech! Passionate kissing was just fine with her, but not when it was uninvited… She turned away from him, placing the back of her hand over her lips for a moment. Yez looked up at him, and he appeared shocked. Uh oh… Do something, you idiot!

"Antoine, darling! I'm just not ready! This has all been so… so sudden!" She placed her face in her hands and sobbed.

Please buy this please buy this please buy this please buy this please buy this…

The passion quickly melted from Antoine's face and was replaced with genuine sympathy and concern. "Oh, Genine! Ma Chère! I have rushed you into t'ings too quickly! I beg of you, accept my 'umble apology…" Nearly in tears himself, he fell to the carpet on one knee, resting his forehead on her knees. "Please forgive me, jeune fille. I am not worthy of your affections. I pray that I may know when you are ready for them."

Yez's lips curled up a bit and she tried not to sneer as she pat him on the head a couple times.

Sheesh, this guy is like totally devoted to this chick. Talk about being on a pedestal!

She smiled at him matronly and tried not to look too disgusted. "That's all right Antoine. I'm just really tired and I need some sleep. You don't mind, do you darling?"

He smiled and took her hands, kissing them repeatedly, calling her darling and angel and other way-gooey French words that Remy never used on her before.

Thank God for that!

Antoine stood up to leave her for the night. "Take all de time you need, Oh my lovely Bayou blossom, Antoine shall wait forever for your love to return to him!" Then he actually bowed, and left her with renewed hope and a spring in his step. She stared at the door for a while after he left, shocked and sickened at the constant displays of devotion he was bestowing on her. She sank to the floor and leaned on the bed frame.

"Good Lord. He's completely whupped by this chick!" Yezra rubbed her face and sighed. "This just keeps getting worse, and I have no idea how much longer I can pull this off before I lose my temper with him! I mean, he's big and mean and a psycho and all… but what a wuss…" She bristled and stood up, grabbing the wine. She popped the cork and took several gulps. Yez wiped her mouth off on the sleeve of the itchy gown. Looking for some semblance of pajamas in the drawers of the elaborate French dresser, she whispered.

"Just a t-shirt, that's all I'm asking for here…"

No such luck. There were frilly full-length nightgowns, in every pastel color in existence, complete with high neck, long sleeves and covered buttons. She pulled out the most un-frilly one she could find. Holding the Pepto-Bismol colored gown up to herself in front of the mirror, she groaned.

"Great. Now I gotta sleep the part, too. If Nick saw me in this, he'd never let me forget it." She sneered and imitated her craggy, beloved muse. "Hey, yer Royal Highness, nice duds! I bet they cost a fortune ta dry clean! Whereja get 'em at? Some librarian relative o' yours kick the bucket? Ha ha ha ha!"

She smiled as she undid the buttons of the gown she was in, realizing she not only wanted Nick to come save her from all this madness… but that she missed him, plain and simple.

***

Wolverine, Ice, Remy and Nick were tired but desired to be wired. They stopped at a coffee shop in a small town North of Memphis, Tennessee. Remy and Nick were walking back from the counter with their coffee and burgers when they saw Wolverine and Ice in a booth, alone… together…

"Aw fer the love of Pete! Here we go again!" Fury ran a hand over his weathered face and exhaled.

Remy swallowed hard, watching the two of them kissing passionately. "All dis… activity… can make a man miss his femmes. Gambit hope dat Dupree not hurtin' de Queen." Nick looked over at Remy and wanted to choke the life out of him. But the Cajun looked so sad, he almost felt a twinge of guilt for thinking it… almost.

Fury spoke quietly, ignoring the fact that Ice and Logan appeared to be super glued together at the lips and were starting to pull off each other's clothing again. "Fer yer sake, LeBeau… You better pray he ain't hurtin' her."

Remy glared at him and said nothing.

A woman in the booth behind them gasped as Logan threw Ice over the cushioned seat of the booth and began trailing kisses down her throat. The little boy in the booth looked up and said "yuk!" The little girl's eyes got as wide as saucers. Ice's eyes clenched shut and she moaned, her head slowly lowering between the two children. They stared at her contorted face and slid away from her carefully.

"Of all the nerve!" Shouted the mother, "In front of… of my children!" She leaned over with her menu and started slapping them with it repeatedly. Ice paid her no mind and ran her hands through Logan's hair, clutching thick black strands in her fingers. Logan's head popped up from where his nose was buried in her cleavage, and he growled angrily at the woman with the menu.

That's when Nick and Remy turned away from their staring contest, and pulled the love-crazed muse and his author out of the other people's booth, tearing them apart. They plopped them back down in their own booth, in opposite corners. Remy sat in the booth first, placing Ice on the isle, while Nick was sure to shove Wolverine in the corner, tightly.

"Now. Sit yer asses still, keep yer flamin' hands offa each other, and just drink yer Goddamn coffee! Fer crissakes, you two are like a couple o' rabbits! Show some restraint!"

Logan growled at Nick under his breath, but stopped when he felt the hard toe of Ice's boot as she stretched her leg out under the table and rubbed it up inside the cuff of his jeans. She blinked, and smiled at him sweetly.

Remy sighed. It had already been… and was going to be… a long drive…

back | next | story index