How to do a local show right...

By Mike

Assisted by Rebecca, Bradley, and Shell

My pal Rebecca and I decided to compile a little list after attending a Red Winter Dying show in Maryville. We discovered that local shows are the same everywhere you go. A show in Maryville featuring Red Winter Dying is the exact same as a show in Tazewell or Middlesboro featuring Coexist. So, with the basic ideas laid out and a little help from my friends Bradley and Shell, the list was made! Enjoy! ;)

GUIDELINES FOR A LOCAL SHOW :

· There shall be no more than 36 people at the show. Less is permissible as well as expected, but no more. If there are more than 5 bands playing, then there shall be no more than 52.

· If a mosh pit is to break out, there shall be no more than 12 people involved. The ratio of ages is a follows:

* 75-95% shall be 8-14 years of age

* The rest shall be comprised of fat guys in Morbid Angel, Marilyn Manson, or The Misfits t-shirts who have long since graduated/dropped out of high school and are in their mid twenties.

NOTE: If any girl chooses to mosh, she must be well equipped with plaid pants. There shall be no more than 3 girls moshing.

· There must be from 1-3 boys directly in front of the band who shall be referred to as the “Arrhythmic Kids.” These are boys approximately 14 years of age who are deprived of all natural rhythmical concepts, but choose to head-bang anyway. It is preferred, but not required, that the Arrhythmic Kid(s) have dyed hair and few to no piercings.

· It is mandatory that there shall be no more than 2 preppy girls in polo shirts or sweaters (substitute halter or tank tops for warmer weather) standing against the wall and giving disapproving glances to the moshers/girls in plaid pants. They shall be referred to as the “Ashley’s.” These girls are here because their boyfriend or other romantic interest is the guitarist and/or lead singer. They shall speak to no one even if spoken to.

NOTE: The above is true unless the band playing is composed of all popular guys who play pop-punk music and have a name such as “MRS. BRICKLAYER,” in which case the audience shall be composed almost entirely of these girls and most guidelines are considered null and void.

· There shall be at least one approximately 15-year-old boy asking everyone for $1.

· Yoo-Hoo shall be made mention of at least once on microphone.

NOTE: The above applicable in Tazewell and Middlesboro only.

· The PA system is required to malfunction at least once. The cause of the malfunction may be either accidental or the result of a deliberate attempt of sabotage by “Mrs. Bricklayer.”

· The majority of people in attendance must have no musical taste.

· The show must always be referred to as a “show” and never a “concert.” Offenders are subject to severe penalty.

· Inane phrases from the following list must be randomly shouted between songs:
* “Freebird!”
* “Lynard Skynard!”
* “Cock-N-Roll!”
* “Rock out with your cock out!”
* “Take it off!”
* “Will you marry me?!”
* “*________ is my daddy!” (* substitute name of favorite member of band here.)
* “Hell yeah!”

· Any actual punk band playing must imitate or at least make mention of rednecks in a stereotypical manner at least once while on stage.

· The resident “Mrs. Bricklayer” band is required to drop out of 63% of their shows at the last minute, leave all others bands in an uncomfortable position, and declare themselves “better than most bands around here anyway.”

· There must be clusters of 13-year-old whores placed directionally every 6 feet in the establishment in which the show is held.

Let me know if I missed anything! evobaby10@hotmail.com !

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