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Lingerie
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LINGERIE
::It started out a normal day. Honestly is did! There wasn’t any super-villain attacking, no Superman’s dying, nothing out of the ordinary was happening today…until now.::
“What the hell are you typing, Tim?”
“I’m typing words, Kon, so if you don’t mind, piss off.”
“Wow! Has anger solved your other problems, too?”
“I’m trying to write a fan fic about us, okay?”
::My name is Robin and I have very interesting friends.::
“Why are we so interesting? Are we special?”
“Bart, please! I’m trying to think here.”
::I have this one friend, his name is Kon-El-::
“Hey! That’s my name!!”
“I know Kon. I’m writing about you.”
::and he’s the clone of the famed Superman. Now, here’s where our day got interesting. Kon has this strange fascination with the TV show “Trading Spaces”. Personally I think it’s because of the cute contractor named-::
“Kon likes the show “Trading Spaces?! Kon, that’s like a girl show! Tim why does Kon like that show? You know what I think? I think Kon’s weird.”
“Cassie, don’t start with me, you’ll not win.”
“Both of you, quite, I can’t think with you bantering back and forth.”
“You know Tim, I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I just can’t seem to get my head that far up me ass. Cassie! I am not weird!! It’s Tim who’s weird! He’s writing this thing!”
“Kon, you’re not being very nice to Tim, he’s trying to write about us. He has the power to make you go out on a date with Slobo in the story.”
“Yeah, Anita’s right! And you could go get chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream…can we go for ice cream, please?”
“Bart, Kon and Slobo are not going on any dates in my story! And no ice cream. Get it?”
“Got it!”
::So, Kon was watching this “Trading Spaces” as he always does at 8:00 on Friday nights, when we got a call from the JLA about Batman.::
“No we didn’t. What are you talking about, Robin?”
“Suzie, this didn’t really happen. It’s a story.”
“Oh…Tim?”
“Yeah?”
“…um… please talk to my face, my breasts can’t hear you…”
“Oh, come on Suzie, I know you want me… It looks like you need a visit from the love monkey. Come here!”
“AHHH!!!”
“Alright! Tim’s gone, now things can get interesting.”
“And Tim chasing Suzie out of the room ‘cause he wanted to make love to her isn’t interesting enough, Kon?”
“Not in my books ‘Neets!”
::So, the JLA called us the check up on the Batman ‘cause he had been sprayed by some one with some…thing::
“That’s not very informative Kon. All we know now is that Batman was sprayed by a noun.”
“Nobody asked you Bart!”
::So we all headed out to investigate what had happened. So, when me and my team got there-::
“No, no, no! you can’t type that!”
“And why not Cassie?”
“Well first of all we’re not you team.”
“Hey! You can’t spell TEAM without ME!”
“Yes. Well now that we all know you can spell we can also tell you can’t do English very well. It’s “my team and I”.”
“Oh…so anyway,..”
::When me and my team arrived at the location the Green Lantern gave us, we were in for a surprise.::
“Was Batman doing the funky chicken?”
“Why…yes, Bart. Yes he was.”
::The Batman was doing the funky chicken. It scared the living daylights out of me, which was okay, ‘cause it was night so I didn’t need them anyway.::
“What?”
“I told you this morning, Anita.”
“No you didn’t. All you told me was I’ll rise but I won’t shine.”
“Exactly! Why? Because I had no daylights in me.”
::So here was Batman dancing all over the street, scaring little kids and teenagers alike, when out jumps…::
“Who?”
“Bane.”
“Oh. Who’s Bane?”
“Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?”
“Kon! That’s not nice. Apologise to Bart!”
“But Cassie! I didn’t do it!”
“I just heard you insult him!”
“You can’t prove it!”
“We have monitors all over the place, I’m sure Tim can get you on tape saying that.”
“Nobody saw me!”
“Huh?”
“The sheep are lying!!”
“We have sheep!?!” Awesome! Where are they!!
“Bart, we don’t have sheep.”
“But Anita, Kon said we had sheep.”
“Kon’s an idiot mon.”
“Hey! If you can’t say something nice about a person…you’ve come to the right place!”
“Why thank you, Cassie, hey you know. My cult-like following is now accepting applications. You’d be a perfect candidate.”
“Yo! I still wanna know who jumped out!”
“Bane did! We covered this Bart.”
“Oh, right. So what did we do?”
::So we faced Bane down. He was ugly, he smelt bad, and he was ugly.::
“Very descriptive, Kon.”
::Bane charged at us with this spray thingy. We all jumped out of the way except for Robin, who was busy trying to figure out if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it.::
“Well, that sucked.”
“Be quiet Cassie.”
::So after the spray thingy smoke cleared, we found Robin lying on the ground mumbling ‘the hokey pokey, is what it’s all about’.::
“Hey, what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?”
“Don’t think about it Anita. Just don’t think about it.”
“Whatever Kon.”
::So after we helped Robin come back to reality we thought of ways to fight this Bane character.::
“Lingerie.”
“What?”
“Lingerie. It’s the only way to go. Kon.”
“Bart’s confused.”
“Cassie too.”
“Just think of it, if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
“Because it makes men happy?”
“No Kon. Jeez, you have a PBS mind in an MTV world, mon. You have to put the lingerie on Bane.”
“I don’t think that’s physically possible. And even if it was, I doubt that Bane would hold still long enough.”
“Tim! You’re back!”
“What did you do to Suzie?
“Nothing Cassie, why? What’s wrong with Suzie?”
“Anyway back to my story!”
“My story you mean, what did you do to it?”
“Oh nothing bad.”
::So we tried to figure out a way to put lingerie on Bane, but failed.::
“Told you!”
::So, Bart thought of the idea of having Anita sing to render Bane helpless.::
“I don’t sing that bad!”
::So she did “So that night, when/ he came home, I mixed him/ his drink, as usual./ You know some guys just can’t hold/ their arsenic./” and like magic, Bane dropped to his knees; defeated.::
“AHHH make it stop!!!”
“Suzie, you came back too! How was it?”
“It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
“Are you okay Suzie?”
“Oh, I’m fine. Cassie. Just fine…how are you?”
“What did Tim do to you?”
“Oh, he put on a puppet show for me. Why? What did you think he did?”
“Umm…well you know, the ‘love monkey’ and all. What do you think Tim?”
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
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