Author's Notes: I only have two things I'd like to say. 1) I'm pretty sure that I mixed up some of the events, so if anyone would like to (nicely) help put my story to right, please do so. 2) I've never gotten any response to my stories whatsoever. I don't care if you just send a 3 word message, but please let me know what you think. Wily_coyote_phd@yahoo.com

Teaser: Basically, this story is set up to show a new student's introduction to Sunnydale and it's inhabitants. I gets a little (ok, alot) mushy and intraspective at times, but I don't think I went overboard.

Dear Diary,

I can't believe Mom. I mean we've got no money for anything and she hasn't even started working at her new job yet, and she goes and buys me some dumb diary. I could have thought of a lot better way to blow the dough. She made me promise to in the thing so here I am. I'm probably the only guy in the history of the planet to ever keep a diary.

I guess I should introduce myself or something. What are you supposed to put in these things? I should have snuck a peek into Stacey's. Anyway, my name is Steven but everybody just calls me Steve. We just moved here last night and everything is still in boxes. Man, I had no idea we had so much crap! I'm lucky I got to bring along as much of my stuff as I did. Mom kept trying to throw all of it away. I finally quit arguing with her and just stuck it in the back of the van where she couldn't find it. Katie was bouncing off the walls the whole way here. I swear that we had to stop at every rest stop so that she could go to the bathroom. Oh yeah, 'here' is Sunnydale, California. It's not that big a place and looks like a pretty nice town. I don't know whether to be happy about that or not. I mean, back home we were always hearing about how exciting California is and how many problems they've got with gangs and drugs and stuff. I think I'm kind of relieved that Sunnydale doesn't have those kind of problems. Besides, its got to be more exciting than home. I liked all my friends at 'Old Hicksville' and everything, but nothing ever happened! Sorry, I got to go. Mom needs help with something.

*****

Hey Zac!

What's happening? I told Mom how dumb I felt about writing 'Dear Diary' and she said that she always wrote in her's like it was a letter to one of her friends. I'm giving it a shot, anything is better than 'Dear Diary'. It sounds like something off of some dumb TV show. We're supposed to start school tomorrow but I think I might be able to talk Mom into lettting me stay home to finish unpacking. It's not that I'm scared of going to school, but it would be nice if I actually knew somebody there. It's getting kind of late and I have to get up early, so goodnight.

*****

Yo Zac!

How's it hanging my brother? Okay, bad imitation. I swear that every one here speaks some kind of foreign language. I can't understand half of what they're saying. California is going to take some getting used to. It's a lot warmer than home and everything is completely it different. Today I was walking down to the store to pick up some stuff for Mom when I passed this lady fertilizing her flowers. Its pretty bad when the smell of cow crap makes you feel homesick.

I managed to talk my way out of school, but got stuck baby-sitting all day. Luckily, Katie hasn't ever seen cable TV. I got all of my stuff unpacked and put away and most of Katie's. I even had time to flip through the paper looking for some kind of part-time job. Things are going to be pretty tight for a while and I want to help out.

Mom had a great day at her new job. She's working at a research place across town. We threw ourselves a small party and celebrated with home-made strawberry ice cream.

Mom claims that tomorrow Katie and I are definitely going to school, but I think I might be able to talk her into another day off. See ya around.

*****

Hey Buddy,

Yep, it's official. My life SUCKS!!! Mom made me got to school today and everything just went down-hill from there.

First off, Mom dropped me off right in front of the school. She's usually pretty cool but right in front of everyone she kisses me on the cheek and made me promise to not get in anymore trouble. Then Katie, who somehow found a chocolate bar left over from our drive, has to give me one and leaves this big chocolate smear on my face. So of course Mom has to immediately do that mother thing. You know, get your finger wet and rub your kid's face until its clean. A bunch of guys saw it and made fun of me for the rest of the day.

I know that even back home my clothes weren't exactly the latest fashion and I'd out grown them a little but they worked just fine and no body noticed at home. But at Sunnydale I stood out like a model-T among a bunch of Cameroes. I don't have enough money to spring for a new wardrobe and Mom's still trying to get out of debt. I hope I get a job real soon.

The Principal is way worse than old man Allen. He looks like a cross between a bull dog and a toad and pretty much acts like one too. First thing he did was give me the riot act about what behavior would and would not be tolerated and a bunch of other crap. You'd think I was a guy on parole and not somebody just transferring from another school. Finally, he gave me a list of my classes and sent me down to the library to get my books.

At least the librarian guy was half-way descent. It was kind of fun just to listen to him talk. He had a really good vocabulary and an English accents. It made him sound like the sort of sophisticated chap that would host one of those theater shows. You know the kind I mean. The host sits in a big, fancy chair sipping tea in front of a blazing fireplace and tells you all about what book the movie your about to watch was based on. Anyway, after he had loaded me down with a copy of every book in the world I set out to find my locker. I wandered up and down the halls for a while looking for it and 'accidently' got knocked over two times. By the time I found the dumb thing I was really regretting my promise to not get in any more fights. I tried my combo but it didn't work. So I tried it again. And again. And again. By this time I was getting a teeny-bit angry. The bell rang while I was working on it and everybody poured out into the hall. They all thought it was a great joke that I wasn't even bright enough to open a locker. I got a little ticked off and slammed my fist into the thing. It must have jarred something loss because it finally opened ending the show, to the disappointement of the gathered spectators.

Then I had trouble trying to find my way to my next class. Between the locker problem and getting lost, I showed up pretty late. I tried to sneak in and take a seat, but the teacher nabbed me and lectured me on being promt and on time. The class really enjoyed it. My face was burning with embarassment by the time I finally got to sit down.

Later, I found out the hard way that my english class had swapped rooms with another class. I figured I'd been humiliated enough and decided to just hide in the back until the class was over. It turned out to be some kind of poetry class and the teacher called on me to read the poem I'd written. I had to get up and explain I was new. Then I get marched up to the front to introduce myself. The teach finally caught on that something was up and I had to confess that I wasn't supposed to be there. Apparently, the whole school thought I was amusing. She gave me direction to the new room and I had to barge in there half-way through the class.

During lunch, I tried to hide in the shadows and eat my sack lunch in peace but no such luck. Some guy had another 'accident' and I found my carton of milk pouring down the front of my shirt and drowning my lunch. Once again I was the joke of the school. I started to get up to confront the guy when Principal Toad appeared and demanded to know what had happened. The jerk and his buddies all explained how I'd spilt my milk on myself. Toad accepted their story immediately and left while I was trying to explain.

I walked home before the next period and refused to tell my Mom about what had happened at school. Like I said earlier, MY LIFE SUCKS. I wish you were here. No, on second thought, I wish I was there.

*****

Zac,

Life still sucks, but there is hope on the horizon. Today wasn't the best day of my life but anything would be better than yesterday.

I showed up on time for all my classes, well all but one. None of my classes are really sleepers, but it looks like I should be able to get descent grades in all of them.

I got more food dumped on me at lunch, but had a spare shirt this time. The Toad still won't listen to me.

I actually managed to say a complete sentence to a girl today without stuttering or turning bright red. I know that everyone back home is pretty conservative, but you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that's legal to wear around here. I can't look around without seeing something that I feel embaressed about seeing, but looking at the ground is even worse. Then your more likely to bump into a girl. I know I'm probably just kicking into over-protective big brother stage, but Katie is never going to wear anything like this as long as I live.

I've got a job interview set up for Saturday interview. If I get the job, I'll be working at this club called the Bronze. The hours will be pretty late, but the pay sounds good and it looks like a pretty cool place.

*****

Hey Zac,

Sorry I haven't wrote anything in the last few days but I've been kind of busy.

I got the job at the Bronze this morning and I have to leave for work in a little while to set up before the crowds start to show. I was kind of surprised. I mean, my resume wasn't exactly ideal - "Worked on family farm." - but my new boss didn't seem to mind. He didn't even ask me much about what I'd done. We just kind of talked about politics, sports, and life in general. I've never really had a job interview before but I'm pretty sure thats not what normally happens. He asked me about school and my family but I managed to change the subject pretty fast. Before I know it, he was telling me I got the job. Wow, I never thought I'd be so happy to have to work.

I'm still getting razzed at school pretty bad but I think they're starting to loss interest in someone who doesn't fight back. We just can't afford trouble right now.

I've already planned out everything I'm going to buy with my first paycheck. I even have the location of the shelves and hangers memorized. Pretty pathetic, huh? Katie's birthday is coming up and I'm going to try and get her something nice. Even with her job, I'm not sure Mom has enough cash to get her much.

I met the guy who's got the locker next to mine. His name is Xander. I know its kind of a weird name but I've heard worse. He seems like a pretty cool guy.

Well, I gotta go to my new job. Wish me luck!

*****

Howdy partner,

Yeah I know I'm out of it. I almost never stay out this late and I probably sound like I'm drunk or something.

The job at the Bronze is pretty sweet. It took me a little while to figure out everything, but after that it was pretty easy. I basically just wrote down orders, delivered whatever people wanted, and made sure we didn't run out of anything. I even had some spare time to talk to Xander when he showed up with three hot girls. He introduced me to everyone. His girlfriend, Cordelia, is one of the fashion queens from school. I still can't figure out how they got together. His best friend is a red-head named Willow who is substitute teaching some computer classes until the school can get another teacher. One of the guitar players from the band came over during their break and introduced himself as Oz. He's Willow's boyfriend. Hey Zac, remember me telling you that he came in with three girls? I saved the best for last. She's a gorgious blond named Buffy Summers. I don't think she has a boyfriend, or at least I hope she doesn't. There was just something about her. I can't really describe it. I'm just hoping and praying that Xander and his friends, one in particular, will let me hang with them.

*****

Hey Zac!

I am the luckiest son-of-a-gun in the history of the world! Today in history we got assigned to do these huge projects. You know how it works, everyone groans at the same time and everything. Then the teach tells us that she doesn't expect us to do it all by ourselves and assigns us partners. She put Buffy and me together. We're going to be working together in class and out of it for the next week. I think Fate might be starting to take a little pity on me.

*****

Hi from Sunnydale, the greatest place on earth!

Wow! Life is beautiful! Tomorrow Buffy and I are going to get together at her place and work on the history homework. I haven't been this nervous about being a girl since my first date. My boss decided to help me out and gave me my two week check, even though I've only been working at the Bronze for a week. I told him that I hadn't earned it yet and he said he trusted me enough to pay me a week in advance. Then he said something about me taking Buffy out on a date. I was kind of surprised that he knew. He showed me some of the napkins I'd been doddling on while waiting between orders. I'd been drawing pictures of her without even realizing it. I was kind of embaressed but thanked him for helping out. Am I really that transparent?

*****

Hey Zac,

I can't believe how nervous I am. I'm practically shaking. This morning I ran down and bought my new clothes and some new cologne that the girls are really supposed to like. I was as bad as a girl getting ready. I must have tried on everything at least twice and if I touch my hair one more time I swear I'm going to go prematurely bald. I can't believe how slow time is going by. I have to calm down fast or Buffy won't even let me in the door.

*****

Hello from the biggest geek to ever live,

Have you ever just wished that the world would open up and swallow you whole? I can promise right now that no matter how hard you pray it just doesn't happen. When I got to Buffy's house, I almost could walk up and knock on the door. I finally forced myself to do it and almost bolted when I heard foot steps coming to the door. Her mother answered the door. I barely managed to explain that I was there to work with Buffy on her homework. Her mother called for Buffy and tried to talk to me until she came down. I can't even remember what we talked about but I'm sure I sounded like an idiot. I heard Buffy coming down the stairs and turned towards her. She said hi and asked if I was ready to get to work. I managed to pick my jaw back up off the ground and tell sure. She tooked like the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I followed her and she led me into a room. It was her bedroom. She flopped down on the bed with her books and asked me about what I wanted to do first. I could feel myself blushing and stammered out something. I sat down on the floor and tried not to think about anything but the homework. But I kept found myself focusing more and more on her and less and less on the assignment. The way her hair swayed as she moved. How she bit her lip when she tried to think. The way her eyes sparkled as she smiled. I was captivated and knew it. I think she noticed how I was staring at her because she blushed a little bit. We finally had our project all planned out and agreed to meet back at her house the next day. I didn't know whether to be depressed that I had to leave her side or rejoice that I could finally let a huge ear-to-ear grin cover my face.

Tomorrow I'll be more in control.

*****

I still hold the title for the universe's greatest idiot,

You are never going to believe what just happened! I am definitetly going to learn to knock and take some self control classes in the near future. Today I went back to Buffy's and I think I did pretty good for a while. She'd run down to the mall with Willow but was supposed to be back anytime so I stayed and talked to her mom. I actually got some complete sentences out of my mouth and sounded half-way intelligent. At least, I hope so.

After we'd talked for a while, Buffy came in waving good-bye to Willow. She apologized for being late and ran up to drop some stuff off in her room. Mrs. Summers gave me a tray of hot coffe and some cookies and sent me on up to Buffy's room. Her door was open a crack. I wasn't thinking and backed through it so that I wouldn't spill anything. When I turned around I found her looking at me in shock. I guess she'd been trying on one of her new shirts because the one she was wearing was unbottoned all the way down the front and I could see quite a bit of her bra and 'femine qualities'.

I tried to throw myself back into the hall and ended up hitting the doorjamb. The scalding hot coffee splashed all over me (What is it with my and food? Lately I seem to be wearing more of it than I eat.). I ripped my new shirt off to try and stop the burning on my chest. It hurt like you wouldn't believe. Suddenly a glass of wonderful cool water was thrown on the burn. A wet clothe was gently place again the inflamed skin. I looked up and found Buffy holding the clothe to my chest, holding an empty glass and her shirt hanging wide open. I whirled around and rushed down her hall. As I rushed down the stairs, I narrowly missed crashing into Buffy's mother who was coming to investigate the ruckess. I spun and knocked a lamp onto the floor, where it shattered. I blurted out something about I'll pay for another lamp and please tell Buffy I'm sorry. Then I sprinted home as fast as I could.

When I got home, I took a quick shower to try and calm my roasted skin. I found some salve my mom uses for burns and spread it all over my chest. I hope taking three time the recommended dosage of pain killers doesn't do any permanent damage. The phone has been ringing every couple of minutes for over the last hour but I can't answer it. What if it's her?

I have to go to work now. This burn is killing me.

*****

Zac,

There might be hope after all. I went to work and tried to act normal, but my boss noticed that I was hurting every time I moved. He cornered me and asked what was wrong. I finally told him what had happened. He thought it was hilarious. He offered to let me have the night off, but I refused. I owed him and if I went home I knew I'd just spend the rest of the night kicking myself. My boss had some kind of numbing gel in his office, so I put that on too. It worked pretty good and I managed to get back to work, but I must have smelled terrible. I tried to stay as much in the back as I could.

I'd just brought another container of Pepsi out and had finished hooking it up when I looked up and saw Xander and his friends walk in with Buffy. Judging from the looks I got, they all knew and most thought it was as funny as my boss did. I felt my ears burning with embarassement and practically ran into the back room with the empty container.

I tried to find something, anything, in the supply room that I could do. I dreaded going back out where she was. What would she do? What could I say? My boss gave in looking for me and asked me to deliver some orders to some tables. I hesitantly took the tray and moved around the main room, careful not to look in her direction. I looked down at the list. Finally, only one more. Then I could go hide again. Suddenly, I realized what table number it was. I looked up with horror in my eyes to see my boss grinning mischeviously at me. I shook my head in a desperate plea for pity, but he just waved me to go give them the order and busied himself behind the bar.

I slowly approached their table, head down and painted the color of a fire-engine. I heard some whispering and giggling as I got closer and tried to hide behind the tray. I finally stood beside the table and placed the drinks on their table with shaky hands, still refusing to look at her. Xander spoke up, "Could I get some hot coffee too?" The whole table exploded into laughter. I flushed and turned to flee, but a hand grabbed my arm. I looked up to see it was Buffy holding me and quickly focused back on the floor. I sputtered out something like, "I'm sorry. I never meant to-. I would never delibrately-."

She cut me off and reassured me, "It's okay. I know it was an accident. I knew that you would be coming up soon, I should have shut the door."

I couldn't accept her forgiveness so easily and continued to stutter. "But I-. And you were-."

She made me look at her. "I said don't worry about it. You didn't mean to. Besides, you were the one that got burned."

I searched her face and felt relief sweep through me as I decided that she really did forgive me.

My boss' voice spoke up behind me as he placed a drink in my hand. "It's a slow night. Why don't you take a break and talk to your friends for a while."

I hesitantly sat in the only seat available, next to Buffy. They all started talking and laughing again. Thankfully it had nothing to do with what had happened that afternoon. I slowly relaxed and even began to join in. They were a close-knit circle of friends but I was slowly being accepted into their group. After a few minutes I even began to enjoy myself again, partly because of Buffy's proximity. After a while, he glanced at the clock on the wall. Wow! It had been almost an hour. I started to stand up and apologize for having to get back to work, but gave a gasp as my abused chest screamed in pain at the movement. I caught my self quickly and finished standing but everyone had noticed. Grins broke out among the group again. Xander leaned over and asked in a stage whisper, "So, was it worth it?" As he was hit by several women at once he cried in a little boy voice, "Owie! What was that for?"

I turned bright red again and hurried back to work. After a few minutes I looked back at the table to see Xander was the only one looking at me. I delibrately nodded. He broke out in a huge smile and struggled to contain a laugh. The others turned to see what he found so funny, but I was innocently waiting on another table.

Zac, I'm sorry if this all sounds kind of corney or something, but I think I'm falling in love. I'm not saying that because of what I saw, either. It isn't just her looks that I find so attractive. Sure, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, but there's so much more. She's smart and happy and funny and understanding and just has this way about her. Like she's always in complete control of the world around her. But she's sad too. Like she's seen too much and been through too much stuff that she shouldn't have had to. Remember that horse Johnny bought? The one that we thought he could never make anything of? The one that one that race? I think she's like that. She's an abused thoroughbred, but with the right treatment she could do anything.

*****

Yo Zac!

It's me again. Yeah, I know it's been a while since I wrote. I'm flying as high as a kite.

School is going fine. If I keep my grades up, I might get a scholarship for college. I really need that. I don't know if I'll be able to go without one.

The guys at school have quit bugging me. I guess the wanted prey that fought back. I wonder if they ever realized how close I came to breaking my promise to Mom. It doesn't matter anymore, no one is trying to pick a fight.

Mom knows something is up. She says that I always go around with a silly grin on my face and seem to skip and dance everywhere. She even caught me singing in the shower once. Buffy and I are still meeting at her house every afternoon to work on the history project, but now we stay in the living room. I don't think her mother knows quite what to make of me. I wonder if I should take a gift or something? I already replaced the lamp even though she told me not to worry about it. I wish I could get some advise from Stacey. I could really use some advise from a big sister right now. Should I take Buffy flowers or something? I don't want to go to fast. Maybe a plate of cookies. I'll just have to make sure that there isn't any coffee.

*****

Dear Zac,

I don't know what I did wrong. I think Buffy is starting to avoid me. I asked Xander about it, but he just this strange look on his face and told me to ask her about her ex-boyfriend. Then he said something about being ready to defend myself afterwards. I don't know if he's joking or not. Is she getting back with her old flame? What was he talking about?

*****

Dear Zac,

I'm getting desperate. Buffy is definitely avoiding me. Did I do something that I shouldn't have? Does this have anything to do with the 'coffee' incident? What should I do?

*****

Zac,

I finally managed to corner her in the hall and tried to talk to her. She got angry and slammed me into a locker. She told me to stay away from her and stormed down the hall. I think she was crying. Should I do what she said? I don't know if I can. I need her so much. I'm going crazy not being able to see her. Her friends all look at me with pity in their eyes. What do they know that I don't?

*****

Dear Zac,

Mom thinks that my sudden mood shifts are due to drugs. I finally agreed to get a blood test to prove I'm clean.

Buffy and I turned in our history project today. We never really finished it, so we'll be lucky to get passing grades. I should be worried about college, but all I can think about is Buffy. Where did I mess up?

*****

Hey Zac!

Buffy is talking to me again and I think I understand part of why she's been avoiding me.

Last night at work, I saw Buffy and her friends. I tried to talk to Buffy again but she ignored me. I finally went back to work. I kept watching her out of the corner of my eye though. Her friends tried to talk to her about something. Judging from the number of looks in my direction, it had to do with me. Buffy grew more and more upset. Finally, she started crying and ran outside. I looked over at my boss and he motioned for me to follow her. After I left the Bronze, I looked around but couldn't find a sign of her. I started jogging toward her house and noticed a small group of men gathered at the mouth of a dead-end alley. They were wasted on drugs or alcohol or both. One of them was saying something about keeping it quiet. I'd almost passed when I heard a familiar voice defiantly tell them that they weren't normally the kind of men she took out. I peered into the alley and glimpsed the the blond woman they had cornered. Buffy.

I grabbed up a two-by-four and charged at the back of the group just as they closed in on her. I had two down before they even knew I was there. The other three turned on me, ignoring Buffy. I jabbed one in the chest with the board, then smashed him over the head when he doubled over in pain. The wood shattered. I dived between the last two and came up between them and Buffy. Buffy tried to tell me something, but I didn't have time to listen. One rushed me. I grabbed his outstretched arm, ducked, twisted and pivoted. His own momentum drove him into the alley wall. The last guy was ticked off. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a switch blade. It snapped open and gleamed in the moon light. I pulled my hunting knife out and locked it's blade open. I told Buffy to run when she got the chance. Then I started to circle with the other guy. He was clumsy and didn't know how to hold the knife or himself. When he lunged forward, I knocked aside his knife hand with a short kick and slammed him into the wall. I held his knife hand upward at an awkward angle and pressed my own knife against his throat. It was the dull side, but he didn't know that. I told him something about leaving Buffy alone, then smashed my knee into his groin area. His groan of agony was cut short by the handle of my knife striking him in the temple. I quickly surveyed the alley and found that all the possible threats were temporary neutralized. Dad would have been proud.

I turned to Buffy and suggested we leave before they tried again. She had taken everything fairly calmly. I was surprised. Most girls that had been in that kind of situation would have been hysterical. As we silently walked to her house, I racked my brain for what I should say but she was the one that spoke first.

"Do you always carry a knife?"

I nodded. "Yeah. It's kind of a habit I guess. Back home we all carried pocket knifes for cutting open hay bales and feed bags and everything. I know that you aren't supposed to take them to school or anything, but I kind of feel naked without one."

"I know what you mean."

I was puzzled by her last comment, but she didn't elaborate. We resumed our silent journey. Finally I could stand it no longer and asked her bluntly, "What did I do?"

"What did you do?"

"Yeah. I know you've been avoiding me for some reason. I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore, but could you at least tell me where I messed up?"

Understanding began the dawn on her perfect face. "You think I'm mad about something you did?"

"I'll try and make it up to you."

"I'm sorry Steven, I never realized that's what you thought. No, you didn't do anything. It's me." She paused, searching for words. "My last relationship didn't work out very well. My boyfriend and I went through a lot together. We were a regular modern day Romeo and Juliet. You know, star-crossed lovers and all. He was my guardian angel. One night we went through something extremely truamatic. We -" She paused again then continue in the same emotion-filled voice, "We acted on a moment of passion and made love. It was my first time. When I woke up, he was gone."

"The guy just blew you off and left?"

"Not exactly. He didn't really have any choice."

I considered that as we walked along. So Buffy had been in love with some guy who'd taken off after they did 'the deed'. Now was she gun-shy that other guys would abandon her as well? Did she really have that low an opinion of me?

"Do you think I'm just going to bail on you, too?"

"No, it's not like that. The whole thing is pretty complicated. I can't explain it."

"Try me."

"I didn't mean you wouldn't understand. I'm not supposed to tell."

"Do the others know?"

"Yes." So she trusted them but not me.

By then we were standing in front of her door. I didn't know what to say, so I simply turned and started walking back towards the Bronze.

She called after me. "Wait." She came up to me and looked at me with those beautiful eyes like she was baring my soul. "Meet me in the library tomorrow an hour after school gets out." Then she turned and entered her house.

So Zac, what do you think? At least now I know a little about her Ex and maybe why she's been avoiding me. What will she tell me tomorrow? And why the library?

*****

Hi Zac,

Your best friend is a little confused right now. Today I showed up in the library like I was supposed to, and found a self-defense class. I'm dead serious. I walked in and found all these padded mats laid out on the floor. Giles was teaching all of the other guys (Xander, Cord, Willow, and Oz) some kind of basic martial arts techniques with Buffy's help. I've got to admit that I've never heard of anyone doing anything like that in a library, but, hey, it's California. So I stand there for a while and watch. Buffy is wearing this t-shirt and shirt combo that is making my hormones kick into overdrive. I've got to admit that since the 'coffee' incident, I occasionaly have these flashbacks were I can review what I'd seen and enjoy it this time around. I try not to though, somehow Buffy seems to always know when I think like that. Maybe it's just a guilty conscious. Anyway, after a couple of minutes Buffy notices me and asks me to join in. I'm not really dressed for it but if it gives me an excuse to be close to Buffy, count me in. I get on the pads with the rest and try it out. I don't recognize the style, but it really isn't that different from what Dad and Uncle Ron taught me. I just go along with the flow and spend most of my attention on Buffy. I notice two things. One, she was even hotter than I'd previously thought. Two, she knew what she was doing and was probably the best I've ever seen at doing it. She was gauging herself by how well Giles and the others were doing, not by how hard she was having to work.

After a couple of minutes of basic moves and shadow fighting, Giles had us divide into pairs. I jumped at the chance to spar with Buffy. The others all thought that was funny for some reason. She checked with Giles for permission and got it. All of the others backed off and gave her room. I still wasn't sure what the deal was. We start to circle. Suddenly I'm landing hard on my back. Holy crap. What just happened? The others were all grinning like that crazy hyena off of LION KING. We started to circle again and this time I saw her move before I went flying. Giles tried to interupt but I wanted another crack as super-woman. This time I'm going full out. I anticipated her kick and spun to the side. I managed to snag her leg and add some momentum and height to it. Most people go down when they find them selves spinning around while doing a vertical splits, but not Buffy Summers. She spun with it and threw herself hard enough off one leg to do a complete back flip and kick me in the chin in the process. I guess I got knocked out when my head hit the wall.

Next thing I know, I've got a killer headache, there's a sound like a tidal wave pounding in my head, everything looks kind of fuzzy, and I can't think clearly. My eyes slowly came into focus and I see the most alluring dream of my life looking down at me with her big eyes. "Am I in heaven?"

"Not unless your really into books."

"So your not an angel?"

The vision blushed slightly, "No."

My scrambled brain couldn't figure out what was going on. I asked hopefully, "A goddess?"

"So is he really out of it or just trying to score some points?" I turned toward the owner of the voice and saw a familiar looking young man.

"I don't know. I hit him pretty good. I wasn't expecting that and just reacted."

Suddenly it clicked. "Your Xander?" I got a nod. I turned back to the goddess. "Your one of my dreams?"

"What?"

"I've been dreaming about you for weeks. So your from my dreams?"

The goddess was definitely red by then. "You've been dreaming about me?"

"Yeah, every night. But there's something else." It hurt to think. Finally I grabbed onto the only thing I could find. "Does coffee mean anything to you?"

Xander was rolling around on the ground laughing. So hard that tears were coming. "At least the farm-boy has got his priorities straight."

Farm-boy? It came back with a rush. "OH CRAP!!!"

"What's wrong?"

I started doing my stuttering apologizing bit again. "I'm sorry-. The angel and the goddess thing-. And the dream part-. And about the coffee-."

"Farmer Brown's brain is back in gear and we just got some new info we can use to blackmail him and embarrass Buffy. I think it's safe to say that all is right in the world."

Oz, Willow, and Buffy all took me home in Oz's van. I guess I still looked a little bit shaky. They tried to cheer me up by telling me that I'd done pretty good against Buffy. Buffy and I agreed to meet the group the next day at lunch. When we reached my house, I got out and stumbled/walked up to the door. One of the van's windows were down and I could hear them talking.

"Do you think he'll be alright?"

"Yeah. He just needs to get some rest."

"I found the part where he was out of it for a while kind of cute. He sure is sweet on you. Do you like him?"

By then the van engine was revved and it was traveling away from me. I'd like to think that her answer was yes, but I don't know.

So know I know that she's some kind of martial artist expert. I don't really see how it affects our relationship. Buffy now knows that I care for her, but I still don't know what she thinks of me. Zac, I really wish you were here. I need somebody to talk to. I'm going to go take a hot bath and hit the sack early.

*****

Hey Zac!

I met up with Buffy and the others at lunch. I hadn't realized how much eating alone was bugging me until after I'd eaten with them a couple of times. It didn't hurt that I was eating my lunch instead of wearing it. Buffy and the others must have been thinking along the same lines. Willow brought it up, "Buffy told us about you helping her in the alley the other night and we saw you two practicing last night. So we know you can fight. Why have you been letting everyone push you around?"

"My mom."

"Your mom?"

"Yeah. I got a reputation for being a fighter back at my old school. The Toad almost didn't let me in becuase of my record. I promised my mom I wouldn't get into anymore trouble."

"Whose the toad?"

"Whoops, sorry. I've been calling the Principal the Toad in my mind since I got here."

"It fits."

We just made small talk for a while. Just as the lunch bell rang, Buffy leaned over and whispered that she'd pick me up at my house right after dark. She said to dress in some combat clothes. Then she disappeared into the crowd of moving students. So here I am. I don't know what she wants, but I think I'd do anything for Buffy by now. I think I just heard the door bell ring.

*****

Zac,

I'm glad I'm not really sending these letters to you or you'd think I was on LSD or something. Buffy was at the door and we headed down to the local cemetary. I can almost hear your voice saying, 'Yeah, thats really the place to get the mood right.', but she was the one that wanted to go. I figured that she wanted to pay her respects to someone. Could her former boyfriend have died? The idea put a whole new spin on the way she was acting.

So we reach the cemetary and end up standing and talking for a while. I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. Suddenly, Buffy tells me to be quiet. We head over to some freshly dug graves. We can hear sounds coming from them. Buffy hands me this sharp wooden stick and tells me to get them in the heart. I'm like, what the heck are you talking about? Then these things erupt out of the graves and attack us. They're hideous. Big ugly eyes, big ugly ridges on their faces, and big ugly teeth. You get the idea that they are big and ugly. So Buffy takes the fight to the monsters, kicking and punching like that Taz from Bugs Bunny. She slows down long enough to slam a stake through one of the monsters. The creature just fell apart into a pile of dust. The whole time I'm just standing there and staring. Three of the things surround Buffy. I finally get my butt in gear and put my stick through the closest one's back. Instant confetti. The woman of my dreams takes out the other two without even breaking a sweat.

Afterwards, we're standing there and I ask her what the monsters were. She tells me they were vampires. I figure she's kidding. She's serious. So I assume that the animals were named vampires because they look kind of like them. Nope. We just dusted four geniune, honest to life, demon posessed, blood sucking, night stalking vampires. I'm still trying to take that it when some guy appears out of the dark. He and Buffy exchange words for a while and neither one is very nice about it. The dude's name was Angelus. They both start doing movie special effects -flipping, twisting, kicking, punching, and snapping off headstones left and right - while I'm picking my jaw up off the ground. Finally, the guy yells something to her and takes off running.

I go over to Buffy and find her bleeding pretty badly. I freak out and try and run all the way back to the library while carrying her. Giles and the rest of the crew are all hanging out waiting to see how I'd react. When I come barging in like a wild man with Buffy in my arms, they immediatly swarm over us. We get Buffy on the couch and bandaged up. They don't even bother taking her to a hospital. It happens all the time and she heals fast. Then they started figuring out what had happened. After I was done they all looked at each other with knowing looks. Like that helps me any. Finally they fill me in. I'm still not sure whether I believe them or not but I can't explain it any other way.

Buffy is 'The Slayer', a magically enhanced, once in a generation, modern Xena whose purpose for living is taking out vampires and demons that threaten humans. Angelus is even more confusing. He's a bad vamp, then a good vamp, then back to being a bad vamp. Apparently he used to be Buffy's boyfriend but got demonized when Buffy was too good in the sack. I'm going to have to ask Xander about that part later. Anyway, so know Buffy the Vampire Slayer is constantly duking it out with Angelus, but she still loves him. It's kind of like a four way love triangle but only two people are involved. My head is still spinning trying to figure out everything.

Buffy wakes up and it looks like she's already healed. I was already late and ran to work. My boss knew something was up, but I couldn't tell him. I found myself comparing the people in the mirror to those in the room. At least two were vampires. They both seemed to think it was funny that I'd recognized them. When they were done, they left without causing any problems.

Hey Zac, remember that time you told me I was screwed up in the head. I'm beginning to think you were right.

*****

Hey Zac,

Buffy and I sat down and talked quite a bit in the last few days. I'm starting to understand this whole Slayer/vampire/Angelus/demon/save-the-world thing. I'm still not sure what are relationship is exactly, but I think I want a lot more out of it than she does. If that's all she wants, thats what she'll get, but maybe that will change someday. I still can dream about holding her hand and walking down a beach bare-foot. I can still pray that sometime she'll look at me the same way I look at her, the way she looks when she talks about Angel before he became Angelus. In the meantime, it will have to be enough that I get the privilege of being near her every day.

We've been doing a lot of combat practice together. I hope I'm helping her, but I think I'm the one getting the most out of it. Giles keeps warning me slow down, but I can't. Maybe Buffy can take care of herself, but everyone needs someone to watch their back sometime. Since Angel switched to the dark side of the force, she hasn't had anyone to watch her back or protect her from her greatest weakness, her lonelyness. I'll never be able to match Angel in her eyes, but that doesn't mean I can't try. Buffy compared her and Angel's love as being star-crossed-lovers. I think I'm probably more like Odyssesius's dog. You know, the unrewarded one that loyally guarded his house until his job was done. Of course, the dog died and I'm not planning on doing that anytime soon so maybe it isn't such a good analogy.

*****

Zac,

Angelus knows about my feeling for Buffy. I haven't told Buffy, but he's started shadowing me. I know that I can't take him on my own, but I can't give her anything else to worrry about. She's been driving herself too hard. She never gets enough rest or takes time to eat right. If she doesn't get a grip soon, I don't think she'll be able to stand against the vamps much longer.

*****

Dear Zac,

I'm scared. Buffy looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. Giles and I are seriously considering giving her some tranq formual and forcing her to take a break. But it wouldn't be safe. What if an attack came while she was out? What if her enemies found out and tried to take her down while she was helpless? I don't know what to do.

Angelus is no longer hiding himself when he follows me. He wants me to see him. He's toying with me like a very sadistic cat with a very small mouse. He even has the nerve to come into the Bronze and rub it in. He sat at the bar right across from where I have to fill the drinks. Either of us could have attacked the other without moving our feet. Finally, he waved good-bye to Jodi, a girl that works with me, and left. The next morning, someone found Jodi's dead body. Then he singled out Tommy, but I talked him into wearing a big wreath of garlic and a cross. Tommy thought I was nuts, but Angelus came back later and was very angry. Now, I'm next.

I've practiced and trained hard. I know a vampire's weaknesses and his strengths. I know how to defend myself and how to attack. I've killed over thirty of the demons since I found out. But Angelus and I both know that I'm no match for him. Only Buffy is and she's killing herself slowly. I pray to God everynight for strength and protection, for myself and the others but mostly for Buffy. I think God made a mistake when he put Buffy on this Earth. I think she really is an angel.

*****

My dear friend,

Things look grim. Buffy got hurt and is too tired to fight anyway. The vamps are popping up all over the place. Their multiplying like rabbits. Remember the rabbit drives your grandpa told us about? How the rabbits were destroying crops and houses? Ruining lives? This is like this, only worse. A lot worse. I think I remember how they stopped the rabbits. They tried poison and traps and shotguns and everything else, but nothing stopped them. So they got as many of the rabbits as they could into a huge pit and burnt. We thought it was cruel when your grandpa told us, but those people were fighting got their way of life. I think I'm going to have to do the same thing - get as many of the vamps into something they can't get out of and burn them. I just don't know how to get them all into one place. I've got to hurry. Buffy can't last much longer.

*****

Zac,

I think Angel knows how desperate we are. Last night, I fought off a group of vamps that were attacking the families leaving after a children's play. I was cut up pretty bad during the fight but managed to drive them off. Angel got me while I was limping home. He just played with me. Slamming me around and clawing me. Finally he drank, but not enough to kill me. He left me on Buffy's lawn as a message. Buffy is out there right now trying to find him. Buffy is killing herself because I was too weak. I'm so sorry Buffy. I try so hard, but I just can't do it. Please forgive me for failing you.

*****

Zac,

I failed Buffy once. I won't do it again. I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect her. Willow refuses to have me delibrately turned into a vampire so that she can restore my soul. I have to find some way to tip the power in our favor.

I might have found something in one of those old spell books. If I can find a special magical instrument, our problems might be over.

*****

Hey Zac!

I found it! Its going to get here in the mail by Tuesday morning. I hope thats not to late.

*****

Zac,

Xander and Willow refused to help at first, but I swore that I would do it with or without their help and that I'd probably end up getting myself killed if they didn't help. There's a huge abandoned factory just out of town made up of very dry wood. It will be one heck of a flame. Whatever survives the explosions will be incenerated. Xander and I have set up enough stolen explosives around the building to make it look like a small nuke. Willow will have finished reactivating the spell by tonight. It will only be good for thirty minutes after midnight or until the musician quits playing. That gives us thirty minutes to make like the Pied Piper of Hamlet. Only difference is that all he had to deal with was a bunch of little rodents and we get stuck with the real monsters.

*****

Good bye,

I don't think Xander and Willow understand yet. The only way to keep the vampires in the factory is for the one playing the pipe to remain in there with them. I lied and told them that I used to play in middle school so that I'd be the one that has to remain in the factory. I also rigged the explosives with a timer, so they'll blow even if Xander doesn't press the trigger.

All I have left are a few regrets and good memories. I wish I had told my family I loved them more. I wish I'd told Zac and Johnny and everybody how much I valued their friendship. I wish I could tell the Scooby-Doo Gang how I feel about them. I wish I hadn't had to trick Willow and Xander into helping me with this. I know that they'll probably blame themselves when they shouldn't. And finally, I wish that I could have made Buffy smile. She spends all her time defending what is beautiful in this world, but never has time to enjoy them. She never gets to watch a beautiful sunset or smell a few flowers or watch a new born calf struggle to its feet. She's so busy protecting others lives that she has no life of her own. I just wish I could have given her a day of laughter.

But enough moping. I can't let Xander or Willow know. If I catch Katie dressing like some of the girls at school, I swear I'll haunt her and ruin every date she goes on. I think I can hear them arriving down stairs. I just have to think about it has joining Dad and Stacey a little early. Time to smile and convince the others that nothings wrong. Maybe if I think about how stupid I must have looked during that accident with the coffee.......

*****

*****

Another tear fell unheeded to the page of the diary. Silence hung heavy on the small group, broken only by the sounds of muffled crying. Even the sky seemed it weep with them as a soft mist rained down. Giles slowly closed the book and placed it inside his coat. Everyone stood there as quite and still as the headstones surrounding them. Slowly, by ones and twos, the filed away until one small blond figure was all that remained. She cried in grief for several more minutes before noticing the brilliant rainbow that seemed to stretch all the way down from heaven to land just behind the headstone. A smile appeared underneath her running tears. It was the most beautiful one she'd ever seen. She slowly moved the flowers toward her face and deeply inhaled the glorious fragrance. She gently placed the flowers at the foot of the headstone. Buffy kissed her gloved fingers, then pressed the kiss against the engraved inscription.