Domino and Cable belong to Marvel. However, this story belongs to me. Feedback would be loved and worshipped. If youd like to archive, just ask and ye shall receive. Special thanks to Lyssie, my great and wonderful betaer, without whose help this ficling wouldnt have been finished.
Dont Look Back
By Cosmic
He called. I came. It always used to be that simple with us. It isnt simple anymore. And I dont know what to do.
I cant just leave, it has to be more than that. Ive left before. Dozens of times. This time, though, it seems different, final. This time. It seems strange to try to justify leaving him. He brought it on himself.
I cant stand it anymore. Waiting for him to come home from one of his idiotic missions, not sure if hell come home. Waiting for him to tell something, anything. Waiting for him. Im always waiting. I cant wait any longer. Wait for somebody to tell me he died on one of those fucking missions of his. I cant lose him like that.
I asked him. I asked him to stop. I asked him to not to go this time. This time and countless times before. He didnt listen. He never listens. So, now, hes lying in the med. lab, fighting for his life. And Im leaving him. Running away when he needs me the most.
Running away. Im good at that.
**
Shes leaving. I know she is. Shes looking at me through that window, long and hard, as if trying to etch this image in her mind. This image of me, lying here, being connected to all these tubes and machines. Shes looking at me with such finality. Thats how I know for sure. Shes leaving for good this time.
Before I left, she asked me not to go. Asked me and I didnt listen. Asked me and I didnt even reply. That was the final test and I failed. I failed miserably. But with this I wont fail.
**
He couldve died on that mission. He still might die, if Henry cant cure that infection. Every mission he goes on, I worry if hell make it. Every deliberate stunt he pulls. Every mind-play he does. I worry if Im not by his side in battle. And now, I worry if I am. Hell get hurt one of these days and then wont get up again. And I dont want to see that.
I hate this. I hate doing this to him, causing him pain. But this hurts me much more. Its a gnawing, endless pain that hounds me day and night, hounds me in my dreams. Just another demon. Just another voice in my mind, yelling at me to stop.
Im tired of old ghosts haunting me, of old ghosts reappearing and causing havoc in my life. Im tired of running myself ragged, trying to prove myself to people whose dream I dont share. Im tired of being down-played and second-guessed all the time. Im just tired.
Im getting old and its starting to show in my work. Thats why Im leaving.
**
Shes leaving. I know she is. And Im letting her. Im letting her walk out of my life, for good this time. In fact, Im helping her. Thats why Im still lying here in bed in the med. lab, pretending to be asleep(that and the fact Henry threatened to put more cold instruments in uncomfortable places), so she wont have to face me, so this doesnt end in argument where wed say things we didnt mean or worse, things we did mean, so she doesnt leave this place in anger, vowing never to return, so she might come back someday. Thats why Im not upstairs, begging, arguing and asking her not to go. Maybe I should be. But Im not.
She wants to leave. She wants away from this. And if I asked her, she would stay. If I told her I needed her, she would stay. If I told her I loved her, she would stay. But shed hate me if she stayed. Flonq, I would hate myself for it. Shed hate herself for it.
Shed die, if she stayed. Her hearts not in this anymore. She is dying. Her heart thats all I got from the link before it clamped shut. She has only a few years left, at best, if she stays, and thats not nearly enough. So she wants to make the most of them. Try living a normal life for a change. Shell hate it, of course, but shell try. That might even keep her alive.
**
I love him. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. Thats why Im leaving. That kind of love is dangerous, the kind that is both pleasure and pain, the kind that makes you do crazy things without once questioning yourself. When you know youre in over your head and youre going to get hurt but you still hold on because letting go would hurt so much more, because there isnt a thing you could to let to, a thing youd want to do.
I love him. Thats why Ive stayed as long as I have, but I cant anymore. I cant miss the feeling I have every time I watch him go, the sense of loss I feel if hes not around. I cant be dependant on him, nor can he be on me. Thats never good in our line of work.
Ill go crazy not being with him, not doing what Ive done for most of my life. Can I live a normal life? Do I even want to? Do I want a husband with a normal job, a house in the suburbs and two kids?
I dont know if I can live through that, but I want to try. I want to try living a life where I dont have to save the world with my team at least once a month. But I dont want to watch from the sidelines, either. And I cant stay around anymore. It hurts too much.
I love him but he never shares his feelings. Theres a distance between us. He doesnt share. Not his life, his work, his love or his secrets. Not that Im any better. I guess were two of a kind that way. Two of a kind. Living a semblance of a life together. He wont tell me his feelings for me, he cant. He can barely give me a promise of loving me, of staying with me. I need more than that. I need a commitment, love, a family, maybe kids someday. He cant give me any of those things.
So Im letting him go, leaving him and it hurts so much, but I have to, because losing him would hurt much, much more. I love him, thats why Im leaving.
But I still have to say goodbye.
**
She has tears in her eyes, now. Her knuckles are white and a few drops of blood drop from her hands. She opens the door, coming in with a deep sigh, as I close my eyes tightly shut.
Her hand brushes my cheek and through my hair. By the Goddess, I want to open my eyes and look at her. To kiss her. I can hardly even hear her breathe.
"Oh, Nate," she whispers, so quietly it strains me to hear it. "I have to go and I wont be coming back. Its not like you wont see me ever again. Ill be here. Some day. But..." she pauses and I could picture the bittersweet smile on her lips. The smile I heard in her voice. She continues, with a catch in her voice. "Ill be home for Christmas." She pauses again, gathering her strength. She quickly brushes her lips with mine and walks away. She stops at the door, and I close my eyes again, hoping she didnt notice the movement. She continues in that barely audible tone of hers, sounding oddly wistful. "You can count on me."
**
I walk. I walk away, out of the med. lab, out of the house, towards the cab thats already waiting. And I feel something, someone looking at me, but I dont turn around. If I turn around, Ill stay and never leave. If I turn around all will be lost. I squeeze my bags tightly, needing them for their weight and protection, to buffer me.
I feel like Im in a daze as the driver takes my bags and opens the door for me and I sit down, shutting the door behind me. Then I feel it again, the sensation of someone watching me and slowly I turn my head, to look out of the window and I see mismatched gray eyes, staring back at me. I see him, standing in the window, looking at me, but not seeing me, for the cabs darkened windows. His eyes, calm but sad, tell me everything I ever wanted or needed to know, of him, of his feelings, and then it hits me.
He knew. He knew I was leaving. He knew and he let me. He knew I had to do this. He knew. A new sense of relief comes over me and I motion the driver to start the car and drive off, without any second thoughts, as a new batch of tears well up in my eyes. Thank you, Nathan Dayspring Summers. Thank you.
-fin