Disclaimer None of the people here are mine. They all belong to Marvel. Rated PG-13 for "adult themes." Takes place in some kind of alternate timeline after XM#98.
Urm . . . hi.
You dont know me. Ive been quietly lurking around the comic book fanfiction community for almost three years, however, so its quite possible that I know you. I realise that this is a long time to lurk anywhere, but once you start lurking in earnest, its kind of hard to stop. Besides, Im only just getting over a five-year case of writers block.
I still dont believe that Im doing this. Actually posting a story.
Its probably a bad idea to put ten (or eleven, technically) different characters into your first posted fanfic, but this idea whacked me over the head and made me write it (unlike most of my ideas which whack me over the head and then dont let me write them). Im not sure how many characters I got half-way right, so feedback would be greatly appreciated.
If you cant tell who the characters are, I really screwed up.
Distant VoicesBy Andraste
There really isnt any reason you should be like this.
Ive done all the tests, and theres no permanent damage. Nothing physically wrong with you. Nothing that wouldnt normally be wrong with a man your age who hasnt been eating or sleeping lately, anyway.
You didnt swallow that much water.
Of course, the pills on their own would have been enough. If youd just lain down on the bed or locked yourself in your study, wed never have found you in time.
You probably knew that.
You didnt really want to end it at all, did you?
You just wanted some help.
You could have asked, instead of scaring everyone like this.
I mean, dont you think theyve lost enough? I never really knew Scott took a bomb out of his abdomen once, but thats another story but I know that his loss meant a lot to everyone here. You more than most, I suppose.
They need you to make it.
You know that too, right?
*****
I should have seen this coming. I have waited with you for weeks while this crisis unfolded. I could see how tired you were, even before this final tragedy.
I should have tried to talk to you.
Yet I did not, because you have always been strong, or have at least appeared to be strong. You have always been self-contained. I am sorry that I did not try harder to reach out to you, to assuage your grief.
I will continue to lead the X-Men in you absence, because I know how important the dream still is to you, even if you have temporarily lost sight of it. We will go on without you, although we would prefer to go on with you. If you require time to recover, I will ensure that you will have home to return to, when you come back from wherever you are now.
It is a lovely day outside, Charles. I will not let the snow fall on the ground here, but the sky up above is a chill, fine, winter blue. I wish that you could see it.
The world is a beautiful place, even when it seems consumed by grief. I would be awful to leave it before time.
*****
". . . I kissed her, and my baby brother, and was very sorry then; but not sorry to go away, for the gulf between us was there, and the parting was there, every day. And it is not so much the embrace she gave me, that lives in my mind, though it was as fervent as could be, as what followed the embrace.
I was in the carriers cart when I heard her calling to me. I looked out, and she stood at the garden-gate alone, holding her baby up in her arms for me to see. It was cold, still weather; and not a hair of her head, nor a fold of her dress, was stirred, as she looked intently at me, holding up her child.
So I lost her. So I saw her afterwards, in my sleep . . ."
This isnt helping, is it? I just thought that . . .
Perhaps youre doing this because you need a little peace and quiet. Perhaps I should just sit here and say nothing, for once in my life.
Sometimes, I think that Ive put too many of other peoples words inside my head, so that theyve crowded out my own. In all my vaunted vocabulary, I have not one word that can bring you back to us.
*****
I cant reach you.
Not that I ever truly thought that I could, but in the absence of anyone else, I felt obliged to try.
As one craftsperson to another, I have to admit that your shields are nothing short of phenomenal. I doubt that even the enormous potential power of the Summers children could reach you. Even if they could, they would risk doing you serious damage. Damage that you can do very well on your own, apparently.
I know why youre doing this. I did it myself, for the same reason. You need to hide. From the guilt. From the pain.
But it wont heal while youre down there. You need to get up into the air again, out into the world. You know that. That was why you offered me a job in the first place, wasnt it? Occupational therapy.
It works. Theyve made me a better person. Given me a reason to keep breathing. Are you trying to say that your students havent done the same for you?
Perhaps none of us ever thanked you properly for helping us. I, for one, would like to return the favour, if there is any way I can.
*****
I brought flowers well, Frosty picked them out whod have known that shed care? - but she let me bring em in. All sorts I think that ones an orchid. Wonder where they get them from in the middle of winter? Do they grow them in greenhouses, or do they come from some place hot? Anyway, someone should get a vase or something. I cant believe no-one else brought any, its so dull in here.
And quiet. Would you like some music?
So . . .
Its been pretty peaceful up at school lately, as peaceful as things ever are for us, anyway, at least since we blew up the hall. Im sure Sean would be here with you, but hes got to take care of Teresa what happened to her was really rough, wasnt it? I guess its rough all over these days. Everything changes mutatis mutandis and all that. Monets gone never thought Id miss her, but I guess you get used to anything after a while. Its weird not having someone to fight with. Penance turned out to be a real person after all, so now were back at square one with her, identity-wise. Guess you heard about Mondo turning up again. Doesnt anyone around here just stay dead?
Oops. Didnt mean that. Sorry. Change of subject, yeah?
If you dont feel like talking you could, like, blink, or something. Once for yes, two for no.
Okay. Be like that.
I know this has been hard on you, but really, it isnt your fault. You dont have to do this. Cyke sacrificed himself for his kid. Given the chance I know youd have jumped in in his place. Thats what heroes do, right?
Not your fault.
You miss him, right? Cant think about anything else. We all know how you feel, believe me.
Erm . . . I know this sounds weird, but, when youre feeling up to company again, we could, you know, hang out for a while. Im good at cheering people up had lots of practice, what with all the teenage mutant angst in Snow Valley. Well go blading again, get some icecream, hit the mall, you know, whatever . . .
Its your birthday soon, isnt it? You wouldnt want to miss cake, would you?
We all miss you.
Come back soon, kay?
Please?
*****
Hey, Chuck.
I know you can hear me. You hear everything, dont you? Least, you hear everything you want to hear. Nothing special about your ears, but you usually manage to make up for that.
Dont know about your sense of smell, though. Can you smell that? Yeah, Im smoking in the infirmary. Gonna stop me?
Guess Ill have to wait for the doc to do it, then.
Youre probably thinking that no-one understands what youre going through just like you thought no-one understood about Onslaught. Pretty adolescent of you, in a way. Hey, did you ever think that Im old enough to be your father?
I do understand. Ive been down where you are, maybe further. Ive thought that I couldnt fight any more. Ive lost a lot of people, and most of the time its been my fault. Sometimes, Ive been so far gone that Ive lost the way back. There have been times when I thought that there was no reason to go back.
The X-Men gave me a reason. I never really understood what family was about til I came here. I think Ive figured it out now. Support. Someone to watch your back, to catch you if you fall down. Im not always good at letting people watch my back. But I do know that Id come back from anywhere for the people here. Family gives you reasons. And it gives you responsibilities, too.
Cyke knew about responsibilities. He did what he had to do, for his family and the whole damn human race. Now you have to do the same.
The team needs you, now more than ever. If Cyke was still here, wed manage have done before. Hell, Im not sayin that Roro cant lead as well as he did, but we need someone to . .. look up to, I guess. Im the best there is at what I do, but making dreams isnt exactly my line.
You think you cant cope. Cope anyway.
Sounds harsh, doesnt it? Just remember, were waiting.
*****
Charles?
I . . .
I should not have come. I did not . . .
I have other concerns to occupy me. You obviously do not wish to speak to me. We are opponents, I am not your councilor.
I will leave now.
Damn it, Charles, what do you want me to say? Who am I to assuage your guilt? You made a decision as you had to make it, and someone else paid, as they have and will pay for every decision you ever make. They leave behind demons to torment us, to keep us from our sleep, and in this way they repay us. This is not an excuse to . . .
After all weve worked for over the years, all the battles and arguments and passion and idealism, you would let all that dwindle to nothing because one man lost his life? Children die. We keep going.
I never thought that you were a coward.
I didnt mean that. I . . .
I dont want you to die.
Charles?
I . . .
*****
That was cruel.
You shouldnt have ignored him like that.
To tell you the truth, I didnt think that you could ignore him. Do you know that youre different people when youre in the same room? Often angry, edgy people, I admit, but theres always that . . . awareness. I suppose its difficult to squeeze that much testosterone-driven ego into a confined space, hey?
That was a joke. Youre supposed to be offended.
He wasnt going to come, you know. I had to persuade him. Do you have any idea how scary yelling at that man is, how much nerve it takes? How stubborn he is?
I guess you always had the nerve. And if theres anyone on the planet half as stubborn as him, its you.
You use it in a different direction, though. Take this situation as a relevant example. Hed never, ever do something like this. He doesnt want to die, you know. Not ever. It would prove that something was good enough to beat him.
If he ever did decide to end it all, hed make a melodramatic speech and go out in a blaze of glory. Hed hate to be lying unconscious in a hospital bed.
I guess you dont like it much either.
They havent seen you like this before. Im getting déjà vu.
They think that you chose the swimming pool because you wanted someone to find you. I know it was because you wanted somewhere quiet, somewhere with peaceful memories. You always loved water probably some kind of return to the womb thing. Which is probably what this is all about. Finding somewhere safe, where you dont have to deal with things.
They think that this is all about Scott Summers. I know that the kid is, in the end, an excuse. Youve been thinking about doing this for at least as long as Ive known you. Probably for a long, long time.
I brought you back once before.
If you need something to come back to . . . no. Youre going to try that again, not even if the thing you had going with the Martian or Vulcan or whatever is on the rocks. I dont think that I want to go back either. Been there, done that, cut the T-Shirt into itty bitty pieces as a petty act of revenge.
Not that it wasnt nice while it lasted. Right up until the end, anyway.
Not that I dont care any more.
I wonder if youd wake up for a kiss?
Guess not.
*****
You want me to forgive you.
I cant.
If it werent for you, hed still be here. There wouldnt be this yawning void inside me. I wouldnt keep reaching for the bond, only to find a thread that winds away into the shadows, a line that still links me to something, but something dark and unknown. There would be a gaping wound where my heart used to be.
But this isnt really about that, is it? Its about everything. The way you took away our youth making us into soldiers for your cause. The way you left us. The way you betrayed us.
Its about your feelings for me.
I cant forget any of that. I cant forget how it felt, having to keep your secret when you hid in the basement for months. I cant forget that you didnt help the Phoenix when it wore my face and my memories. I cant forget Onslaught, and all that he showed me.
I love you anyway.
Every time you let me down, I wonder. Can I still care about you? Can I put it all to one side, remind myself of all the good things?
Sometimes I dont want to keep loving you. I do anyway, even as we grow further and further apart.
I dont want you to do this.
Whatever ghosts there are between us, you still matter to me, more than almost anyone.
Anyone still here.
I dont want to lose you as well.
*****
You do realise that youre being a jerk again, dont you?
Has anyone actually had the guts to tell you that? That yourre being selfish, dangerous to the team?
Okay, I know youve been through a lot. Youre probably guilty enough already. But Im not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Im trying to get you to come back. Pointing out that by punishing yourself youre punishing all the people who care about you.
You always liked it when I spoke my mind, even if you already knew what was in it. Sometimes I wonder just how often it was all a test, to see weather I had the nerve to stand up to you. I have to admit it worked after sitting through your lectures, most super villains started to seem pretty non-threatening.
So Ill be the one to tell you how much damage youre doing.
Moiras worried. She doesnt need to be worried, not now. Of course, we could get her to fly over and pour coffee into your I.V. That stuff would wake the dead.
Sorry. Poor choice of phrase.
You made Magneto cry, for Gods sake.
He hates this, I can tell, hates not being able to do anything.
So do we, for that matter.
I keep wondering, what would Scott say if he were here? What is it youre missing that made you do this in the first place?
The irony is, hed probably be worse at this than any of us.
You two were never much good at communicating emotions, were you? You didnt say you were proud of him, that you wished that you really were his father. He never called you dad. I never heard you say that you loved him.
If he were here, hed probably say nothing.
So I brought you this. Shiar homeopathic crystal, like the one we had for Jean. After she died. It doesnt have a voice, but I dont think that voices have ever been that important to you. Youve always been good at hearing all the things we dont say.
The End.
(Further acknowledgement the quote is from Charles Dickens "David Copperfield", which certainly doesnt belong to me.)