TITLE: Ineffable

AUTHOR: Birgit Mueller

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Archive at will.

SPOILER WARNING: Movie

RATING: PG, angst

CONTENT WARNING: MSR

CLASSIFICATION: V, R, A

KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance

SUMMARY: Ineffable (adj.): Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable.

DISCLAIMER: Everybody recite the disclaimer mantra. They aren't mine; they're his. They aren't mine; they're his...

This is for Pony... just a little something to keep us all frombursting into flames while we wait for the new season and the movieon video. <g>

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Ineffable

by Birgit Mueller

(rm12908@navix.net)

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Words can be uncooperative and belligerent spirits.

I believed I was a burden to him, a cross, an albatross the color of bright new blood. I believed I held him back, weighted himdown with the sheer mass of a responsibility I had never asked himto bear... never wanted him to bear. I believed my retreat was bestfor him -- for both of us.

I was wrong.

In five years, he has never uttered anything like thedeclaration that lies now timid and fragile at my feet, a shy anddesperate secret. He told me I saved him. *I*. That without me, heis somehow torn, broken, less than total.

That he needs me.

And still I say words are bellicose and frail... failing mewhen I am most in poverty at their absence. I cannot find a voicethat will answer him; not because I am afraid, not because I amunsure, but because words do not exist that will reveal to him thelandscape of my heart.

I take his face in my hands; I kiss his brow and it isfeverish against my lips, febrile and sorrowful. I lean into him,pressing his forehead against my own, and all I am capable of is thedumbstruck longing that he hear this in the silence -- that the debthe thinks he owes me is an illusion. That I have followed him, andneeded him, and loved him so far beyond the pale, beyond the horizon,past the barriers and the frontiers of all reason. Beyond the boundsof all I thought I had known and despite the cost to all that I hadloved.

Beyond any hope of a return to the life that was mine beforeit became his.

He pulls away; he is looking at me now, and I know he can seeit in my eyes, my own grief betrayed by the molten anguish of hottears.

I think he knows.

I think it is mirrored there in his own eyes, a wordlessaffirmation, the indigo darkness of an unspoken promise made longbefore this moment came to pass.

And I suddenly realize, awestruck, that there is someunfathomable energy drawing us together, choosing here and now tocement this bottomless, ineffable bond we share, pulling ushelplessly toward the beginnings of predestined completion.

And I am sinking as I feel the brush of his lips against myown. And there are no words.

There are no words.

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