Please read the ending for any explanations...

*****

i live

by: tangerine

i live.

though i wish i didn't, not me, not when it would be you.

i deserve it more than you.

i can take it, i've done it before, i know how it is.

death is not as terrible when you know you will come back from it.

you're so pale, so white, so still.

i do know who to kill first, him or her.

i want to kill them both, to rip them apart like they ripped you apart.

you were only being a hero.

why are we always punished for being heros?

you didn't deserve this.

can you hear me?

do you know how much I want you to live?

can you feel my want?

and do you understand that without you I am nothing?

i have no life beyond you, no happiness or joy, nothing.

for that reason, you cannot leave me.

i am selfish.

i do not care.

but a part of me wants to grab you from this bed.

i want to take you outside, into the orchard that you love so dearly.

do you remember that orchard?

do you remember making love beneath those pink apple blossoms?

we were so afraid of getting caught.

it didn't matter then.

i needed you - you needed me.

now does not need to be any different.

i need you.

do you feel the pain your body suffers?

or are you so deep inside yourself that you do not feel it?

are you so far from this world that you are willing to go that one, final step?

are you going to leave me behind?

take me with you.

i know where you are.

i have been there.

i know it well.

i was there once, twice, more than that, but i came back.

will you come back?

because i will not stay here without you.

i cannot live without my soul.

i live but never without you.

it is raining.

can you hear it?

even down here, in the darkness, i can hear the rain lament and mourn for you.

does it know more than i do?

does it know you will not come back to me?

is this my warning?

i chose not to hear.

i am deaf.

they watch us.

they see us now, but they do not know where we are.

only we know, but is that not how its always been?

only we understand everything about the other.

that is why you cannot leave me.

i would only be half a man.

i am afraid to touch you.

i am afraid i might break you.

i need to touch you.

i need to kiss you.

please, don't leave me.

i need you.

these machines are keeping you alive.

you will not live on your own.

you are strong, but you need them.

you need the help of a machine.

i know that.

but they terrify me in ways you cannot understand.

these machines are you.

i was a machine once.

i will be again, if you leave me.

i never told you, did i, about what happened that night?

i was afraid you would see me as it.

i am not a machine.

i am not a monster.

i am not one because you need me, the man, me.

i live.

so i am not the monster.

i want to touch your cheek.

will you allow it?

will i break you even more?

i want to kiss you.

it could be my last time.

we were so close to it.

happiness was so close to us.

i thought we would have it.

i could taste it.

i want it so much.

your brother has taken ill.

they say he suffers because you do.

will he leave if you do?

did he have happiness?

she loves him.

i envy him.

i miss you already.

you are here but i miss you.

does this mean i have no faith in you?

does this mean i have already given up?

i will give up without you.

i am weak.

please be strong.

i am a selfish man.

i think only of myself.

but i cannot think of any other way to make you stay.

though i have to ask myself:

am i even a reason to keep you here?

i haven't told you, yet.

i haven't told you my secret.

would you like to hear it?

would you like to know my secret?

now?

i live.

i live because i love you.

i love you.

someday i will be able to speak that, but not today.

logan is calling me, betsy, he says he knows a way to save you.

i have to try and save you.

you need to know.

i love you.

love.

bye.

***

This story comes from a general bitterness that Angel's reaction to Betsy's injuries (UXM #328- 230, more or less) was completely overlooked and the fact I hadn't slept in days. I wrote it weeks ago, but it took months to write. I'm that bitter. :)

It takes place between Psylocke's gutting in UXM #328 and the first Sabretooth special. It is actually a story, not a poem, I just took an odd approach to sentences and paragraphing, that's all.

Feedback or comments are welcome at tangerine@subreality.com

Have a nice day,

Tangerine

I almost forgot: these characters do not belong to me but to Marvel Comics. I use them because I love them, and suing me would just be a bad idea. I cry easily.