TITLE: Sorry Seems to be The Hardest Word

AUTHOR: Melissa Flores aka Misty

EMAIL: mistiec_flores@yahoo.com

TEASER: Gabrielle has a moment of doubt, and severely hurts her blossoming relationship with Joxer. But finding the words to make peace, may just be the hardest thing she's ever done.

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Ren. Pics. I own nothing. Really.

SPOILERS: Antony and Cleopatra

DEDICATION: To Findle, Nickle and Nancy, who were there during my writing process, and easing me through my fears.

NOTES: Alrighty, so basically this is a prequel to A Moment in Time. I can't tell you how long before A Moment in Time or how long after Antony and Cleopatra this takes place because in all honesty, I don't know. I found myself writing it when I was going over A Moment in Time, and I found myself wondering exactly how Gabrielle and Joxer got to that point. So I'm going to muse... I'm going to write vignettes, and I invite you guys all to muse with me, as we discover what I surmise is probably a long and difficult journey for both Gabrielle and Joxer, from friends, to lovers, to husband and wife, to parents. They'll be written in no particular order, and in no particular time frame. This here is the first of such little adventures, and again, it takes place in Delusion. It really is a nice place to live.

Hard to Say I’m Sorry

By Chicago

Everybody needs a little time away

I’ve heard her say

From each other

Even lovers need a holiday

Far away, from each other

Hold me now

It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry

I just want you to stay

After all that we’ve been through

I will make it up to you

I promise to

And after all that’s been said and done

You’re just a part of me I can’t let go

Couldn’t stand to be kept away

Just for a day

From your body

Wouldn’t want to be swept away

Far away from the one that I love

Hold me now

It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry

I just want you to know

Hold me now

I really wanna tell you I’m sorry

I could never let you go

After all that we’ve been through

I will make it up to you

I promise to

And after all that’s been said and done

You’re just a part of me I can’t let go

~*~

It's odd, before I used to hate to wake up. I loved my sleep, the world of dreams a wonderful drug that I loved to immerse myself in before the daybreak. It was in those dreams that I had the peace I had been seeking, the refuge that eluded me when I was fighting for our lives.

That changed after I fell for Joxer. I used to want the night to pass so quickly, because when I woke up in the morning, this incredible feeling used to come over me. I would open my eyes, and suddenly feel this warmth, this tingling, this beautiful emotion of feeling loved and safe, just by being held.

He would hold me in his arms, and he was always awake, and he would always watch me, with this beautiful, adoring smile that told me he thought that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Aphrodite didn't even come close.

And in those beautiful moments after I would wake up, I believed him.

In those few precious minutes, there was only him and I, and in those few precious moments, that's all I cared about.

I didn't realize how much I looked forward to those moments, until I woke up this morning and realized that he was gone.

I was still, feeling so cold, and with my eyes closed, and my heart thumping, I realized that, Gods, I needed that moment.

The times had been so hard lately, and it was in the morning that I'd get my energy. I'd get it from him, and his dumb, stupid, beautiful love.

And I didn't have this moment anymore, because I had sent him away.

Closing my eyes, I breathed for a moment, stilling my trembling heart, before I slid out of the pelt that was big enough for two, warming my shivering arms by sliding my hands up and down them. Gods, I felt so cold.

I was alone, truly alone. Xena had taken off to visit her mother with Eve, and Joxer and I decided it would be a good time to spend together, try and figure things out.

See, when I fell for Joxer, or decided that I had, or maybe just... let myself realize that I had, it was under some very stressful circumstances, and that night in Africa, I thought I would die, and that he would die, and so I told him.

The few months afterwards, it's been just the four of us, traveling, trying to recuperate from what happened. And it's been nice. More than nice.

But he's still Joxer.

I knew something was wrong with me when I felt that fear in my heart, the anxiety in me when I knew we were getting close to Greece.

Greece was home. And home was all the people I knew. Hercules, Iolaus, Lila, Mother, Father... people that meant so much to me.

And people who thought Joxer was an idiot.

I mean, LOOK at him. He wears that silly hat, he always says the wrong things, he's lanky, he's got a big nose. He's clumsy.

He can be a jerk.

And even though I love him, sometimes, when I turned around, and saw what other people were seeing, something gives in my heart and I realize that I can still see him that way too.

That scares me. Because I know I love him, and I know that I want to be with him, and to me, he IS beautiful.

But somehow that seems not to matter at all when people see us together and they give me this look that tells me those sneaking suspicions that

make me tremble.

I think sometimes I'm ashamed of him.

Of being with him.

Of loving him. Of loving what he makes me. Of loving who he is.

Gods, I'm such a bitch. Like it should matter what all these people think of him, right? I mean, *I* know he's different, I know what a special, beautiful person he is...

Then why does it? Why do I care?

Sometimes I think I'm looking for an excuse. My relationship with Joxer is so sweet, so perfect, and I KNOW that it can't last like this forever.

And that scares me.

I'm always scared. What I feel for him, it scares me.

And so I got scared and I pushed him away. I used what I knew would hurt him the most, the most terrible, most...

I sat down in front of the dying fire, taking the sticks of wood that Joxer had gathered the day before and settled under his hat so they wouldn't get wet. The hat wasn't there now. The stupid, idiot hat, it wasn't there anymore.

The sticks were now wet, and the fire wouldn't start.

I didn't want to go looking for some new ones. Instead I went to my horse, rummaging through the saddlebag quickly, looking for my coat.

I felt my heart freeze when I pulled out the leather bracelet I had given him.

He had given it back. Oh, GODS.

I sagged against the horse when I realized just what this meant.

He really thought I had broken up with him. He really ... he thought it was over.

Gods, no. It wasn't over. I didn't WANT it to be over. I couldn't have it be over.

And it was then that I realized just how badly I screwed up.

It should have just been a regular day. Joxer and I had gone shopping in town before. We had always gone shopping together, and he would make his stupid remarks and I would roll my eyes, and we would bargain.

Once he landed us in jail.

I got us out.

But it was the first time we had gone shopping together, together. Holding hands, buying things... as a couple. In public.

It just seemed so different than when it was just him and me.

My eyes, they drifted over the crowd, and I saw though their eyes.

My eyes flitted over to my lover. With his dorky armor, and his goofy grin, the way he seemed to stumble over everything.

And then they came back to my own body. Short, compact, muscled. I saw the way the men looked over me, saw their eyes darken in pleasure, and then dart to him, saw the way they'd laugh at him.

They'd laugh at him.

And Gods, I wanted to kill them.

Joxer of course, didn't notice it.

He never notices.

But I do. I always notice. It seems that lately, I've been noticing everything.

And suddenly I let go of his hand.

He didn't think anything of it, just that maybe, I had lost his grip. So he reached for me again. I pulled away.

I couldn't look at his eyes. At that moment I had been so full of self conscious irritation, that I merely walked ahead.

"Come on," I said in a normal voice. "We have a lot to do."

He looked puzzled, but obeyed, catching up to me, reaching for my hand again.

I swatted him away.

"Ow." He put his hand to his mouth, sucking at the thumb where I had flicked him rather hard, and his eyes had for the first time become suspicious. "Are you okay?" he asked in concern.

I merely gave him a hard gaze, and shrugged noncommittally. "I'm fine, Joxer," I said distractedly, every nerve on end as my eyes darted around the town, at the people. "Just... don't hold on to me, okay? Your palms are sweaty."

"My palms are sweaty?" he repeated, looking startled, and in his typical Joxer way, wiped them on his breeches. My eyes followed the movement, and saw the rags and patches on his pants. Gods, why hadn't he changed them? It's been four damn years.

"Okay, no sweaty palms," he said with a grin, showing them to me.

I merely rolled my eyes as he tried again to reach for me. I recoiled, and Gods, to him I must have looked disgusted with his touch.

Right now, that I think about, my heart almost breaks at the look on his face. But then, I didn't feel a thing but irritation.

"Joxer, don't!" I snapped.

His eyes widened in shock at the angry tone, and he had every right to be shocked, lately when I've attacked him, it's been on the lips.

He looked around, saw the people staring at us, and then blushed. "Gabs, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, turning away. "Just... don't touch me right now."

"Why can't I touch you?" he asked, coming after me, grabbing my hand and trying to pull me around to face him.

I don't know what had come over me. I mean, Gods, I love this man so much, but I was acting like a... cold... unfeeling... bitch.

I know I was, because in my normal mind, in my normal state, I would have never deliberately hurt him. Never would have done what I did.

He's the one person that I could possibly hurt this way.

"Joxer, people are watching, let me go!" I hissed, pushing him away.

His mouth parted in surprise, and when he saw the way my eyes flitted around, the way my cheeks were so red, Joxer, who knew me so well, suddenly understood.

He looked like he had just been struck. And I think if I had actually hit him, it would have hurt less. His eyes grew soft and dark, and if he had screamed at me, or yelled at me, or done anything other than what he did I would have been okay.

But he did something that was so typically Joxer... he only was still, and looked into my eyes, and said in a trembling, low voice, "You don't want people to see us together, do you?" I should have shaken my head, I should have laughed, and hugged him and kissed him and said that he was idiot for thinking that. I should have blamed it on my period, anything.

Instead I just looked away.

"You're ashamed of me?" Something about the way he said that, made me finally look at him, and my eyes suddenly went moist and my eyes trembled and suddenly it didn't matter that all these people were watching.

All that mattered was that look in his eyes, the knowledge that I had put it there.

"Joxer-" I stepped forward, my hand ready to land gently on his cheek, but he moved back, not letting me touch him, just when it seemed essential that I touch just one part of him.

He backed away, suddenly not so clumsy, as he walked, almost ran from me, squeaking and clanking.

My heart was in my throat, and I was shaking. It was hard to see, and upon wiping at my eyes, I discovered it was because I was crying.

And I was so ashamed.

So I followed him. I ran after him, as fast as I could. But dammit, Joxer can run when he wants to.

I caught up to him outside of town, in the woods, and I was out of breath, and gasping.

But even as I called out to him, he didn't break his stride.

"Joxer!" I cried. I kept running, kept calling his name, and finally grabbed onto him, making him stop. "Joxer, damn it!"

He pulled away, gazing at me with this hurt gaze. "Are you ashamed of me?"

I swallowed, suddenly unable to answer quickly. "Joxer..." I finally said softly.

He crossed his arms, barring me from being able to try and hold him, like he knew I would try to do.

I watched him, felt the anger at the situation rise in my heart, and my hand lifted to my head, fingers running through the bangs in frustrated agony. "Joxer, it's not that big a deal! You know I love you! But what do you expect when-"

"I expect to be able to walk through a village with the woman I love and be able to hold her hand," he snapped. "What, it's okay to love me and kiss me when we're alone, not in front of other people? What kind of relationship is that, Gabrielle?"

"I don't know!" I responded hotly, sighing. I looked at him, at his brown, beautiful eyes, and felt my heart tremor. With an exasperated sigh I turned from him, sliding down onto a rock. "Joxer..." I looked up at him, and not being able to think of anything to say, I instead just patted the area next to me.

He didn't move, merely stared at me with an angry expression.

I bit my lip, giving him a soft, tired, glance. "What do you want me to say, Joxer? You know I love you."

"So what was that back there?" he asked, his angry face slipping into one of genuine insecurity.

"I don't know," I said again, getting up, running my hands down his hand and up again to cradle his face. "Look, it's going to take me time, Joxer, to get used to us."

"You've had four years, Gabrielle," Joxer answered quietly. "Sometimes you care so much about what strangers think that the ones you really care about get locked out in the cold." I looked up and my eyes met his. It was clear I didn't appreciate the remarks, but strangely, I wasn't angry. Joxer had every right to say those things.

I had no right to say anything. My mind was whirling so hard I doubt I could have come up with a coherent sentence.

My lack of response must have surprised him, because after a moment, he sat down next to me, roughly.

"Look, we're both angry, and we both said some things we don't mean," he said heavily, always so damn understanding. "Why don't we-"

"No, you're right," I whispered my eyes not on him as I looked far away. "Something's wrong. With me. I shouldn't be feeling this way."

Joxer just shook his head. "Gabby you're not you're not... you're not saying that you.. that we... that maybe-"

"Joxer," I whispered, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down next to me, my body and heart so heavy I couldn't even manage the strength it took to look up at him. "I'm saying that ... that maybe...maybe I need some time alone."

He gave this confused look, and then when I turned to look at him, his eyes widened, and he pulled back. "What? You want... you want to break-"

"Not break up, Joxer," I said softly. "I mean a break. A real break. Me away from you. So I can figure this out. I can't do that with you clouding my mind."

The wording was all wrong, but at that point I don't think I could have hurt him anymore anyways. I was being a selfish bitch.

And I didn't care. At that point I really didn't want him near me, I really didn't want to feel his lips over mine, see his adoring eyes, feel those hands on my body.

I couldn't give myself to him feeling this way. It wouldn't be fair to him, and if he touched me, if he was near me, then I would give in, because I loved his touch. I craved his touch.

Except for just now when I had pushed him away three times in the village.

He was stricken, I could tell, and with my heavy heart, I tried to tell him anything that would make him understand how much I still loved him, but how much I needed this, how much I needed to let him go for just...just a little while.

"Everybody needs a little time away ," I whispered. "Even lovers need a holiday."

I expected him to fight me on it, but he didn't. Instead he merely cut my flowery words off with a waving hand.

"Fine."

I think I was more stunned than anything. "What?" I asked.

"I said fine. Gabby wants a break, she gets a break, just like every other time you and I have gotten into a fight, or you've wanted something from me. You want me away? I'm leaving, Gabrielle. And I'm not coming back."

"What?" I whispered, standing up. "Joxer, you're taking this the wrong way-"

"No, I'm not! I can't give all of myself to you and get nothing in return, that's not how this is supposed to work." His eyes bore into mine. "And you're right. I can't be with you and let you keep thinking that. So we've having some time away. And when you think you're ready to really give yourself to this, look for me. Maybe I'll still be waiting."

"MAYBE?! Joxer!" I stood up, tried to follow him, but found that my feet were rooted to the ground. I gazed down at them in panic, willing them to move, but they wouldn't.

He paused about ten feet away, and then turned back, his gaze hard.

"You know what really hurts me, Gabrielle?" he said quietly. "At not one point did you even say I'm sorry."

And with that he turned, never even looking back as he left, the sunset riding on his heels.

And then I realized the blatant truth.

I didn't want a break.

Not from Joxer. Never from Joxer.

His stuff was gone when I got back to camp. It was all gone. Everything. And the scrolls that he carried so lovingly for me, they were thrown on my pelt.

I had spent a night that should have been filled with love, with sweat and beautiful, beautiful moans and emotions, cold, alone, and shivering in a pelt.

Gods, when did I become the moron of this relationship?

I knew I had screwed up. And I knew that I had lost him. Really lost him.

The thought of being away from his body, of never seeing him again, Gods, just this ONE DAY had been so horrible-

I had to find him. I had to find him and beg and plead and do anything he told me to to get him back, because when I sat on the pelt, I had smelled his scent on the pelt and the whiff had affected me so much I burst into tears.

And when I picked up the knife to put it into the sheath, I remembered the way I knicked myself on it and the way he had held my fingers to his lips, kissing the pain away.

I was haunted with memories of his lips on my body, my head ringing with his words of love, with images of his beautiful smile.

I had been such a fool. Such a selfish, idiotic fool. He had been the best thing that had happened to me, apart from Xena, different than Xena, and I had pushed him away.

And I began to remember when I held him in my arms, fearing for his life, the surge of relief when I realized he was going to live.

I remembered when he held Eve, had almost given his life to protect her, and the way Xena had hugged him so hard it seemed he would choke from the force.

My horse was ridden long and hard, my eyes expertly picking up his trail, the lumbering man not hard to track.

Until it began to rain.

I didn't care, I pushed on, looking everywhere, remembering one day when he and I were caught in the rain and the way he had pulled off his shirt and began to stamp in the puddles, laughing and yelling and making me do it with him until we were both half naked and covered in mud and kissing the very life out of each other.

I lost the trail.

But I pressed on, my hair plastered against my head, my body cold and shivering. I was a mess, inside and out.

And it didn't matter, because I was remembering that day long ago when Xena and I had found Joxer half dead and beaten up, so near death I had truly prayed for his soul, nursing him as well as I could.

I was exhausted, was so famished from my long and tiring journey looking for my lost lover that when I spotted the tavern, I knew I needed to eat.

When I entered, I wasn't even looking for him, didn't even know he was looking at me, until by some miracle, my eyes met his.

I froze. My heart stopped, and then did a double skip, and began racing at twice the speed it was at before.

My palms began to sweat and my chest began to rise up and down with each gasping breath.

I must have looked a fright, tired and wet and dirty, and yet, none of it mattered. No one else mattered.

Gods, he was here. He was really here, staring at me from across the crowded tavern, where people were smiling and dancing, and completely oblivious to the wonderful miracle that had just happened.

Until he turned away.

I stood rooted to the ground, stunned for a full minute, when I realized

he wasn't going to come to me.

He wasn't coming to me. He wasn't even looking at me now. And I know he had seen me. Oh, Joxer. I really need you to hold me now.

I swallowed, and looked over the crowded hall, saw the musicians slow the song into the ballad, saw the crowded dance floor.

Taking a breath, I walked on wobbly legs, with a tremoring heart, what had to be the longest journey of my life.

When I finally reached him, he was watching me with a passive expression, such a different face from my lover that for a minute I wasn't sure it was him.

But the love in his eyes, the wounded look, it was there, and with my heart in my throat, I couldn't tell him.

I really wanted to tell him just how sorry I was.

Instead I gazed into his eyes, my moist ones meeting his beautiful brown orbs, and without breaking the gaze, I leaned forward, sliding my hand into his, pulling him up.

He didn't say a word, he was merely letting me lead him. His form was stiff, but I was so thankful, so thankful, that he was letting me touch him again that I didn't say a word.

I walked to what had to be the center of the room, and then stilled, turning around, and looking at him with a soft, reverent tone.

"Everyone's watching, Joxer," I whispered, my other hand slipping into his. "Hold me now?"

With that I leaned forward, resting my head against his chest. I felt his stiff form, so unwilling, so hurt, but because he loved me, so much, I felt his arms drift around me, pull me close.

I almost sobbed from the emotion that welled up in me as I breathed in his scent. I was shaking so much I couldn't see straight, but my lips managed to find their place, on his throat, pressing against them so reverently, as if he were a God.

He sucked in his breath, and he froze, but I didn't care. My lips continued on their path, up the smooth column of his throat, to his ear, to his cheeks, to his lips.

He pulled away before I could mark my destination.

When I looked at him, I saw the way he glared at me, the way he pushed me away.

"You can't seduce your way out of this, Gabrielle," he said roughly, turning to leave me.

The idea was so ludicrous I actually gaped in shock for a second before I regained my senses and reached for him, stopping him.

"I'm not!" I said quickly, "I'm not! I'm just... I'm trying to -"

"Trying to what, Gabrielle?" he asked impatiently.

I shrugged desperately. "Please, don't leave me. I just... I just want you to stay." He stared at me for a moment, his gaze so hard that it seemed to shatter my heart, until his shoulders sagged, and he grabbed me, regardless of the people watching, leading me out of the tavern.

He stopped on the balcony, looking so pale and beautiful under the stars, and he set me on one side, and let me go, walking five feet away.

With that he stopped, crossing his arms, looking at me with the hollowed intense stare. His mouth was firm, and his eyes, they were so… fiery.

I felt my heart tremor as he spoke, his voice raspy with emotion. "I’m not making it any easier, Gabrielle."

I knew what he wanted. He was waiting, to see what I would say.

I licked my lips, never feeling so nervous about anything in my life. I loved him, I loved him so much, I couldn't lose him, not over something I did that was so stupid.

"Look," I began softly, so full of guilt and shame that I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, instead settling for looking at his shoes. "I just... I spent the day alone Joxer, without you. And I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand even a day without you. Do you realize that? You've...you've become a part of me, and Joxer, right now, that's the only part of me that's proud. The part that tells me that somehow..." I stared at him, my hand over my heart, my voice barely giving breath. "I made you love me. You are the most important thing in my life right now, Joxer. And I was wrong. I was wrong and I was stupid." He didn't move, not one reaction, not one expression. "I love you, Joxer, so much... And I want you with me. I could never let you go."

He looked at me then, looking away. I felt my heart skip a beat, and I continued, pleadingly, aching to touch him.

"Joxer, after all that we've been through... I know I hurt you, but I'll make it up to you. I promise to. Just give me a chance. Please, Joxer. Give me another chance." He didn't say anything, I could tell I affected him, because he leaned against the railing, as if for support, clutching it as if to try and control himself. I gazed at him, my eyes wide, my hands wrapped around my body, feeling so pitiful and alone and small and so in love. "Joxer?" I whispered, the tears streaming from my eyes. "Will you please hold me now?"

But he didn't move, he merely rested his elbows on the rail, looked off into the night sky. I felt myself shaking so much, my heart beating tremendously as I waited for him to say something, anything, to move toward me, and let me feel that beautiful skin against me, those lips over mine

"That's not what I want to hear from you, Gabrielle," he finally said.

I gazed at him, my heart wide open, and my lips parted in surprise. What more did he want? I had just given him everything. I had begged, I had pleaded, and Gods if he didn't hold me right now I would go crazy. I would really lose it.

Gods, Joxer, what more do you want?

And then he looked at me, and suddenly... I knew. He wanted an apology. An apology that I had never given him.

I had never had to say I'm Sorry to Joxer, and I knew why. Because I had always been right, according to me, this relationship had always been about me.

I had to apologize to Joxer now, right now, because that meant I really was giving him everything.

But saying I'm Sorry, no matter how much I wanted to say them, they refused to come to my throat. I opened my mouth, tried to speak, found they wouldn't come, and tried again.

With a whine of frustration, I ran my hand through my hair and sighed.

"It's hard Joxer, for me to say that... I've never..." but as he turned, as he looked at me, I found the words dying on my lips, found myself becoming completely still, and that moment, I found the exact words.

"I'm sorry." The words were so soft that I'm sure he didn't hear them, but as soon as I said them, his form stiffened, and his eyes watered, and my heart jumped into my throat when I realized that he was looking at me with the emotion that I had been seeking from him all night.

Pure, unfiltered love.

And, with the tears streaming from my eyes, I could only walk hesitantly toward him, stopping inches away, trying with all my might to keep myself standing.

"Hold me now?" I whispered.

His face softened, and I saw the tears in his eyes as he pulled me toward him, gathered him in his strong arms and held me close.

At the warm embrace, feeling his lips brushing against my cheeks, feeling the incredible relief come over me, the turmoil of the last day that I had to live without him finally overwhelmed me.

I sagged against him, and began to cry uncontrollably.

"I’m sorry," I whispered, sobbing against him, holding him so tightly, clutching at him so desperately. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Joxer. I'm sorry."

I kept repeating the words as he held me tighter still, rocking me gently, my beautiful Joxer finally teaching me what I needed to know, what had eluded me for so long.

"Shhh," my beautiful lover whispered against my ear. "I missed you Gabby, I missed you so much."

And his lips covered mine, sealing his words with a kiss that sent my head reeling and my knees buckling as I clasped at him, kissing him back so desperately.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered. "I'm sorry."

As he continued to hold me, continued to kiss me and let me kiss him, as he continued to love me in his own gorgeous way, I knew.

I was completely broken, and I had never been so happy about it in my life.

This was the reason, and this was what I needed. I realized at that moment, that it really didn't what anyone thought, because the only person who had any capacity to affect the way I felt about myself at that moment was this man.

It was how he made me feel that really mattered, and I felt whole.

I would never let him go, and I was so proud of him, so proud and thankful that he belonged to me.

I had been the idiot, I had been the one he should have been ashamed of, and yet, he was still holding me, still loving me.

Oh, Gods, Joxer, what did I do to deserve.

"Gabby." His voice was soft, tender. His hands cupped at my face, and he smiled, gently, beautifully. "Thank you," he whispered. "I know it was hard."

I gazed at him, my eyes shining, as I nodded every so slightly. "You're right," I whispered back, my voice raspy. "It's hard for me say I'm sorry. But Joxer... it's even harder to try and live without you."

He smiled, and when his lips brushed against my own, my eyes closed, and only one thought entered my head before it was completely driven out by his caresses.

I was humbled, broken, and in love.

Thank the Gods.

FIN

Story Disclaimer: Gabrielle's pride, Joxer's feelings, and the "Friends" theme may have been a little hurt, but what girl doesn't have a "Rachel" moment, after all?