Sunsets
by Arial Dagger
I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to have to look in his eyes and face those unforgiving words that he never finds the heart to tell me. He doesn't have to tell me, he doesn't have to say it. I can see it all in his eyes; he wants me to believe.
Those eyes are haunting. They stick in my mind and track me down in my dreams. I want to run from them forever but he won't let me because he's always there. Mulder's always there…and he wants me to believe.
I don't know why she can't believe. We've seen so much during our years working on the X-Files. I don't understand how she can't believe after all this time.
But that's what makes us such a good pair, isn't it?
The fact that she doesn't just shrug in apathy and say, "Sure, Spooky, whatever." She challenges me; she fights with me, her blue eyes catching fire in the depths of her temper. Instead of just giving up, she hangs onto her convictions, to her steadfast belief in the science of things, in the fact that one plus one equals two.
Why can't she believe?
I don't know why he can't just let me win for once.
How much closer to the truth have his theories gotten us? How many times has the case turned out to be what he thinks it is?
Not many. Not many at all.
Yet, he still carries on about aliens and secret agendas although we both know that without proof we can't get anywhere.
We've had the proof a couple of times.
It always seems to slip through our fingers.
Mulder never blames me for it, not in words. However, his hurt, his sense of betrayal is written in his eyes. It's almost as if, in his soul, he doesn't really trust me. Maybe he still thinks that I'm part of that hidden agenda.
We've had the proof in our hands so many times and yet she still refuses to believe. She just looks at it, looks at me, and says, "It's not enough, Mulder. It's not enough."
She can't even believe that the aliens abducted her. And why? Because she can't remember it.
She's gone for months, comes back in a coma, finds an implant in her neck, gets cancer, finds out she's sterile, discovers a child that was created with her eggs, and still doesn't believe. Because she doesn't remember anything about the aliens.
I don't believe that line sometimes. Just like I don't believe her when she says, "I'm fine, Mulder."
I've seen how wide her eyes get every so often. There's this painful expression that follows those moments, almost as if, for a second, she knows the truth and then she pushes it away.
I think Scully must be afraid of the truth.
I am scared to know the truth of all this. It touches on so many levels. It's outside the law, outside the government. No one can stop it. No one.
That scares me.
I stand at my window, watching the sunset on another day. Tomorrow it will rise and I will wake and go to work again. I will fight with Mulder and keep the fear out of my eyes. I will face his eyes with the knowledge that there is a line between what's real and what isn't. That's my line. I walk it carefully.
The sun has set. Another day is over.
Tomorrow I will see Scully again. As always, I will try to make her believe. I will try to get her to step down from her path of brainwashed reality and come into the light of the truth.
She will believe.
I can't believe. I can't believe. I can't believe.
If I believe then my world will crack and I won't be able to stop crying.
I can't believe. I can't believe. I can't…
