The Bell Tolled For Me
by Seriana

Summary: Joxer's thoughts at the end of 'For Him The Bell Tolls'.

Rating: G.

Spoilers: For Him the Bell Tolls, obviously.

Disclaimers: I didn't write the episode, I didn't create the characters, but I do love them and didn't hurt them in the writing of this fic.

***

You wanna know the worst feeling in the world? I'll tell ya. It's suddenly waking up, holding a sword, looking at half a dozen guys lying in heaps on the ground while half a dozen beautiful women fawn over you, and having no clue how you just did it.

You've just lived out your greatest fantasy and you have no memory of it whatsoever.

This is the worst feeling in the world because you know . . . you just know. . . that as soon as you open your mouth something's going to come out that sends the women scattering. And all those guys are gonna wake up and come after you and you'll lose your sword and stub your toe and generally have a rotten afternoon.

How do I know that this is the worst feeling in the world, you ask? I know because I felt it. And, to top it all off, a gorgeous blonde with a mean staff was watching the whole thing. Talk about humiliating.

Yes, it really did happen to me. I swear.

Anyway, after this happened and things were back to normal, I had a moment of clarity. Up until that point, I had (almost) every confidence that everyone else saw me as a devilishly handsome, super-courageous, all-around incredible guy. Now, when (through no fault of my own) I had actually become the guy I thought I was, I got totally different results. From everybody.

It didn't take a genius to figure out I wasn't who I thought I was. Good thing, 'cuz I'm not a genius and it was kind of important for me to figure it out.

I started looking at myself from a whole different angle. I used to think that, if you got hit by a tree eight times a row and then got up to take another beating, that was being courageous. Now it looked brainless and klutzy.

That's how I looked to myself. Brainless, klutzy, and a million miles away from where I wanted to be.

Man, I felt rotten.

The girls noticed it. Gabrielle gave me a couple of those looks . . . you know the ones, the 'I-feel-really-sorry-for-you-but-don't-know-what-to-say' looks . . . and Xena gave me her version of a pep talk. I know they were trying their best and all, but it really didn't help.

So there I was, sitting on a rock, thinking and feeling sorry for myself. A whole city . . . no, more than that, the royal families of two whole kingdoms . . . thought I was an idiot. Gabrielle'd lost all patience with me. And I couldn't blame any of them.

It occurred to me that maybe, if I tried really hard, and if Xena helped me, I might learn to fight a little. Then I wouldn't be a klutz, at least. That's something, right?

But I'd still always say the wrong thing, and I'd break things, and I'd get directions mixed up, and all that stuff that idiots do. What kind of life would that be?

I couldn't believe I was so miserable. I couldn't believe my life was so hopeless. There aught to be a law against that kind of thing, you know? Now that I knew all about myself, I was probably gonna be miserable the rest of my life.

I didn't want to be miserable. I wanted to be the way I'd been two days ago: naive, uninformed, enthusiastic, and having a darn good time. Life was so much more fun when I didn't know how everyone else thought of me, and didn't care much, either.

And then it hit me: why care?

I hated caring. I was happier just enjoying life, never mind the bumps and bruises and laughs. I liked making people laugh. I liked watching them laugh. I liked laughing myself. So why not keep on laughing?

Xena and Gabrielle wouldn't ever respect me.

They didn't respect me anyway. But they cared about me, enough to let me stay with them, and that was enough.

A couple good friends, a great quest, and a life full of laughter. What more could a guy want?

I got up off my rock and ran after my friends.

"You know, now that he knows the truth," Gabrielle was observing, "I guess he'll never be as deluded as he used to be."

I smiled to myself. Think again, Gabby.

I ran up, proclaiming to the world that Joxer the Lionhearted was once again ready for action, and in honor of the occasion wrote a new verse to my song right there on the spot.

I think Argo really liked it.