Anyway, disclaimer: The narrator is
definately mine, but as you might've guessed, the Sandman and his realm and all
obscure references belong to Vertigo Comics and the Dream-Weaver himself, Neil
Gaiman. I’m not making any money from publishing this, so it’s all right.
Thanks to: Cosmic, who wanted more. The CFAN
bunch, without whom I would never have gotten into Vertigo in the first place.
And, even though he’ll probably never know, I'd really like to thank Neil for
making me take a very personal train of thoughts and turn it into a story I'm
proud of. Thanks, Dream Guy, I owe you one :).
On to the story, then.
You Can Cry if You Want
I don’t know why I wanted the stories. I
didn’t give it any thought when I wanted them. There’s only as much space in
my mind and stories filled it all up. But I wanted them, with a passion, with a
fire, with anger. I wanted them with a fever of the kind that eats you up slowly
at night, when you dream about the man with the strange, burning eyes...
I don’t know why I wanted the stories.
Maybe it was my escape. Maybe it was my punishment, my penance. Maybe it was my
pick-me-up, just toss everything aside and fly without the burdens. Maybe it was
just my personal insanity. Insanity, psychotic knockout mind-bomb, brainblizzard,
insanity, delirium, the stories.
I wanted them enough to tear them out of me.
But somehow, they just never came. I caught each tale by the tail and
they all got torn out, leaving bloody stems, leaving scribbled lines without an
ending, without a purpose, short and narrow with nothing connected to them, the
plot pooling in ugly, sticky stains and no end in sight.
Is it written in some big book that writing
and agony go hand in hand? I don’t know why the stories didn’t come, maybe I
just wanted them too much.
I was fifteen, a tall, gloomy girl in a
leather jacket. My hair was long and wavy, rich and beautiful, when I wrote it
right, but the stories didn’t came. It was sticky and a silly brown shade,
changing with the passing seasons. My body was concealed so deeply in the black,
loose pants and the T-shirt screaming out “Dreams make no promises” no one
including me cared how shapely it really was. I could never get more than
gauntly thin, long, angular limbs keeping close to home, hands stuck in pockets
at all time, fingering for a release, for the pen. I was pale and brooding. We
could’ve been cousins, him and I.
Somehow I didn’t get around to make
friends. Frustrating hours in front of the screen gave me bad manners and a
funky attitude not even the lowest of hormone-crazed nerds could deal with. I
had the bad habit of talking about dead rats, science fiction and a castle made
of shining dreamstuff in the middle of dinner, in my family dear’s face. The
results don’t need much explaining. My mother resolved I was growing up, so
she just let me go on, go deeper and lower. And stupid me, I never said a word.
I was too busy with the stories. They never
came. I would grab onto them, and they would simply move just inches farther
away. The effort of moving these inches was wrenching. I’d forget about it and
go to sleep.
I don’t know when it was that I started to
think crazy thoughts. I’d go daydreaming in the morning sun, thinking about
the abyss and the edge and the nicely colored pills in my junkie pals’ hands,
and everything would just get lost in ugly black nothingness, dripping like oil
and covering the hands, the eyes, the heart, like ink. I didn’t want to think
about ink.
I don’t know why I wanted the stories. I
didn’t want to find out. I was obsessed with finding out why they wouldn’t
come. I didn’t want to write – I wanted to weave. I wanted to be like Neil,
or Douglas, or someone like that. I wanted to write about wonderful otherworlds,
about fantasy and nothing dark and creepy, sleepy dragons among scarlet clouds,
black orchids, super heroes, a shiny spaceship plunging into hyperspace, into
infinity, into superspeeding rollercoaster maniacal impossible ride, into the
abyss. I wanted to write about his eyes and the stars that shone through them on
me, but he’d seem to close them whenever I started.
Somehow it never occurred to me to give up,
to rest a while, not to take it so heavily.
Just take the sliver off my soul and stop the damn cutting, but I wanted
to get in, as far in as possible, make my way to the heart of it, I wanted blood
in the ink, wanted to give my stories life. And I never noticed my own life were
being slowly taken away.
And those nicely colored pills in my junkie
pals’ hands started to seem more and more attractive, the more I fell deep
into the blackness my life seemed to be melting into. The stories were light
years away now. I wanted to write about the sunset, about the couple kissing in
the backseat of the car. I wanted to write about the outcast kid’s first home
run, about the fifteen years old who won the Nobel Prize. And when nothing came
out, it all shattered into bloody slivers that slipped through my speech and my
behavior and cut anyone who got too close. I wanted to reach out to him and tear
the burning eyes out.
When I went over the top, everyone were too
cut and wounded to care.
My junkie pals were lying in a semi-hip
around me with their blurry eyes staring off into infinity. Human waste, the
scent of fear and tears, of escaping from reality.
The pill didn’t tickle down my throat. The
tickles started later. Then the shivers, then the screams. Then the pain. And
then, I was someplace else.
The castle was familiar because I’ve seen
it before, every night when I went to bed, wetting my pillow with the blood that
went into my tears instead of my ink. I’ve seen it reflecting in my computer
screen, screaming from my pages. It went everywhere along with my nonexistent
creativity, hunting me like the ghost I was becoming, never letting go.
And him... he was there too.
He was slightly paler than I remembered him,
and much, much taller. He would’ve towered over me if he weren’t just
sitting there like something straight out of a crazy dream. That’s what it had
to be, some crazy dream. And suddenly I didn’t feel so much like waking up.
He just looked on at me with these creepy
eyes of his. Black. I used to buy the craziest sunglasses trying to get the same
effect but it was never it. My lousy attempts with my hair seemed rather
pathetic now, too. In all ways, there was nothing he could be compared to, only
himself.
“You’re him, right? You’re Morpheus.
Lord Shaper, Dream King, Prince of Stories, all these stuff...” Was the only
thing I could think of to say to him.
He nodded and I decided to keep my questions
like that, a yes or no basis. I didn’t want to hear his voice, that booming,
echoing, drifting sound. I knew I’d prefer dragging my fingernails on a
blackboard.
“You’re him... the real honest-to-god
fucking Sandman...and none of this is real.” I was beginning to chuckle then.
I tried to tell myself I wasn’t bitter. Finally I was seeing him, the real
god, treasurer, creator of the stories I wanted so much, and it was just a
dream, a twisted hallucination I was having while on drugs and thinking about my
ruined, pathetic world, dreaming I could never go back to it.
He nodded again. Some part of me thought he
would smile, then I thought how ridiculous it would be, and how wounding. “I
can’t believe this... I’m standing in the Dreaming, in the real, actual
dreamworld or whatever... in front of a real ‘god’... and it’s all a
fucking dream.” I rose from my crunching position, spreading my arms wide and
laughing a bit. Walking around a few steps, taking it in with the horrible
knowledge that I was dreaming again, and none of this would ever go on the paper
or the computer file. It’ll all be gone when I wake up, and my mom will punish
me for trying the “hard stuff”...
Then he said that line that made me cry for
the first time since I knew I had to.
“You know you can cry if you want.”
I stood there for a while, just staring. I
don’t know if it was his voice, or the shattering, twisting, screaming
realization that it was finally, finally real, or knowing it *was* a dream too.
But I just stood there for a few minutes. My eyes, my miserable, sunken, empty
eyes locked on his dazzling gaze. Then the tears came.
And with them came a horrible crushing
sound.
Then I was crunching again, on my knees, and
there were glass slivers all around me. They weren’t small anymore, but as
large as my fist and more, and they weren’t even metaphorical. Finally I saw
what was really happening to me, I saw that while it was just a way of speaking,
just an image, just a dream, it was so very real, these things could kill.
They could kill *me*.
I looked up at him again.
“Why don’t you give me the stories?” I
asked. I swallowed the tears. I wanted to look him in the eyes with all that was
left of my pride asserted. “Why can’t I do it? You know how much I want
them. You’ve gotta know. Why can’t I have them?”
He didn’t move an inch. At least, I
don’t think he did. Maybe it was something in the way his eyes were twinkling
like twin stars, maybe he whispered something. I don’t know. I’ll never
know. All I know is that next happened the terrible, nauseating thing, the thing
I wake up screaming when dreaming about even now, ten years later.
Out of nowhere, my world was colored red,
and I just grabbed the nearest shattered sliver of my soul and I leapt at him.
I’ll never, ever forget the cry he let out when I waved the razor-sharp glass
and struck him with all my strength.
I staggered backward. The sliver was clean
of any traces of blood, but he was in agony. I didn’t have to look at the
wound or listen to the gasps to know. I didn’t care much. I closed my eyes,
and prayed to wake up. In the darkness I made for myself there was no sense of
time, and eons passed until I heard him speak.
“*That’s* why.”
I opened my eyes carefully. My head was
filled with horror scenes. A part of me wanted to believe I killed him. A part
of me wanted to die myself.
He didn’t seem to be hurt. He didn’t
seem to be angry. Just stared at me with these eyes, these horrible eyes of
his...
Understanding came in a flash. That was why.
Why nothing seemed to go right, why the stories ran past me. That was why my
whole life had gone so horrible. I let the sliver of my soul that hurt the Dream
King fall from my hand. If it wouldn’t have, maybe I would’ve killed myself
with it.
But it did, and I didn’t. I didn’t want
to hurt myself. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I didn’t want the
blackness I surrounded myself with. I tugged at my raven-black shirt, at my
stupid leather jacket that gave me the stupid Goth image. I tore out the crazy
things I held my hair together with. I let my tears wash off the dust and
black-and-white make-up. There, in the dream, I let go of all my pain, of all
the frustration. I understood the stories didn’t came because they didn’t
like a fake, miserable company.
Then he finally rose from the seat and
walked toward me. I looked up and our gazes met. His eyes didn’t seem so
frightening all of a sudden. He offered me a thin, eerie hand and helped me up.
I felt like a little girl.
He let me press my face to his chest and
cry.
I don’t remember exactly what came next.
When I woke up, I was in the school’s backyard. I ran home, away from my
junkie pals, away from the rainstorm outside and straight into the silence and
the storm in my heart. That night, I didn’t dream.
I got rid of my jacket. I rearranged my hair
in a simple, lovely way. I never put on any make-up that made my eyes big and
depressing. I found new friends, I hanged out at the mall long enough to get
enough clothes so I won’t have to wear black every day. For a week, I didn’t
touch a pen or a keyboard. I never went near drugs again.
A year later I was throwing my head back and
cheering when my short story, “You Can Cry if You Want”, won a nationwide
competition. Three years later I finished high school with fourteen fan fiction
awards and fifteen chapters of a fantasy novel. Ten years later, I’m on the
top of the bestseller list. Whenever I get stuck or start feeling down, I return
to the same dream.
“You can cry. Do not be afraid of the
tears.” He told me. “You want the stories. The stories don’t like it when
people try to take them by force. The stories don’t like it when the people
who call them take their hesitance as an excuse to hurt others. The stories
don’t like sad writers.”
And as Prince of Stories, he was right.
So when I get stuck, I don’t wear black
and hang out with junkies. When the stories don’t come, I lean back and dream.
When I’m sad, when I’m angry, I write about it without being afraid of
facing the pain, so the pain goes away.
I’ll never forget how Dream took me to his
realm in a drug trip. Hope can come from very unexpected places, in very
unexpected ways. I’ll never, ever forget other people’s blood doesn’t hide
tears. And most of all, I’ll never forget I can cry if I want.
Fin