It always seems that this time of year is rather popular when it comes to dating. Everyone seems to be hooking up with his or her guy or girl of choice, or whomever is handy if his or her person of choice isn't receptive to the idea. To the dismay of women everywhere (shut up, that part wasnt supposed to be funny) I'm already taken, but I have a strategy to help you win the heart of the girl of your dreams. Guys, I hope you're taking notes. First of all, you have to figure out who's going to receiving your tender affections. Most guys look for girls in their social groups or school classes, as this will give them plenty of chances to be around her and woo her with your wittiness and acute intellect. I think this is a terrible idea however, and I prefer to use the point-and-click method. When you're walking down the hall, just close your eyes and point randomly in the direction of some girls. This will not only mix up the selection a little bit, but you may be very surprised at what you've gotten yourself into (Just make sure you're in the right part of the building when you do this...I highly doubt the janitors will appreciate you picking one of them to be your cuddle bunny).
After the selecting process is finished, you must go about winning her heart. Some suggestions for this are cologne (I recommend rubbing fried chicken on your face. Nothing attracts a girl like the smell of the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices), flowers (There are some great pansies in the dumpster behind Sun Mart.), and witty remarks (the Howard Stern Show is an excellent source for pick up lines). Utilize class time as much as possible to stare at her blankly, preferably with your tongue hanging out. If she notices, chuckle to yourself and wink. It will melt the ice around her heart for sure.
If you actually manage to get a date out of this system, be sure to do it right. If improperly executed, a date can become a disaster for both of you. A good place to start would be a movie date or a dinner date. Or a movie-dinner date. These are really easy to pull off, especially if you have someone at the back door letting you in for free. Nothing spells "class" like a free movie! When your date isn't looking, scavenge the floor for of the theatre for leftovers. You'd be surprised what people throw away at the movies. Candy, popcorn, even cups of pop can be picked up for your use. Your date will be amazed by your resourcefulness.
So there you go! Use these techniques to their fullest extent and you will be well on your way to the wonderful realm of saucy lovin'. Do not abuse the power however, or you may be arrested by the Love Police and thrown into a romantic prison situation you may not enjoy. You have been warned.
