this was inspired by another story I read..... But I changed a lot of the dialogue around, so.....yeah, I know "self-insertion" is pathetic, but I am NOT a mary sue in this....btw, for the purposes of this story, Peter doesn't have a job at the Bugle....yet. Norman's not really in this much, but Harry is.
standard disclaimers apply. I don't own anyone...except myself! heh heh...
Norman: Look at you. You're pathetic! And you're supposed to
be the nation's future?
Gang: ...
Norman: That's it. You guys are getting jobs!
Gang: [groans]
MJ: Even me?
Norman: [narrows his eyes] Especially you.
Gang: ...
Harry: But dad...
Norman: NO buts!
Felica: Jobs require... work?
Jen: So I've heard.
Norman: Oh, stop it. With a job you'll all be making some money.
Besides, I'm sick of you mooching money off of me!
[He storms out of the room. Everybody groans....]
[The next day finds the Gang standing around in a nearby KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut. Flash Thompson glares at them.]
Flash: In case you losers haven't figured it out yet, I'm your
supervisor. From now on, you answer to me. When I say jump, you
say...
Harry: Dude, this really sucks.
MJ: I know. Look at this! Do I want to wear a black apron or
a green one?
Peter: Green..ugh...
Jen: Black for me!
Flash: Dammit, pay attention! Now, let's start with the basics.
[He
points them to an ungodly complicated machine.] This is the Interac
machine.
Gang: ...
[Several hours later. The Gang looks like they want to kill themselves. Flash is grinning from ear to ear.]
Flash: Any questions?
Peter: Hurts... to... live...
MJ: I can't feel my head!
Felica: Soo... if I push this button on the cash register...
Flash: NO! Don't ever touch that button.
Jen: But what does it do?
Flash: Never mind that. Just don't touch it.
Peter: Ok, this doesn't look so tough.
Harry: That's easy for you to say. Look at all the stuff we
have to memorize!
Flash: Since we still have time left, I'm gonna give you a little
pop quiz. What PLU is 4L of chocolate milk?
[The Gang groans.]
Flash: Well?
Felica: um... 12?
Flash: That's right! For your prize you get... um... to wash
these dishes! There ya go, worm. Get washing.
[He points to Harry and Peter.]
Flash: You two go run the front.
[He points to MJ.]
Flash: Go stock the cooler. Jen, you get to make endless trays
of tacos.
Harry: What are you gonna do?
Flash: I'm having a smoke break. GET TO WORK!!
[Flash stomps out. Everyone stares blankly.]
Flash: [from outside] Get to work, worms!
[Everyone jumps to it. Harry and Peter proceed to have a fight over who gets to use the big cash register.]
Harry: I get to!
Peter: No way, Osborn!
[Jen stares at the taco stuff. She uses a spoon to throw taco sauce at the two combatants. They turn and stare at her.]
Jen: [innocently] What?
[MJ walks out.]
MJ: You guys have GOT to see the cooler! It's frickin' huge!
[The Gang drops everything and runs to the cooler.]
Jen: Holy shit!
[The cooler is a massive array of shelves and cases of milk and pop. Many other miscellaneous things are also strewn about. The cooler connects to a freezer, which is also of mammoth proportions.]
MJ: It'll take me a friggin' hour to do this.
Felica: This is the largest cooler I've ever seen!
Peter: Let's check out the freezer.
[They open the freezer and are hit by a wave of icy air.]
Peter: Ack! It's like Antarctica in there!
Harry: Damn! This is even bigger than your closet, MJ!
MJ: Um... shouldn't someone be watching up front?
[Peter and Harry stare at each other, then take off running.]
Jen: Dark! And cold! This reminds me of my hometown!
MJ: Enjoy, then! [She slams the freezer door shut. Naturally,
the little light inside the freezer goes out.]
Jen: Crap.
[MJ wanders up front to see Harry and Peter standing behind the tills and eating candy.]
MJ: Hey! Where'd you get the candy?
Harry: Over there. I mean, really, it's 5-cent candy. May as
well eat it, there's lots in the back.
Peter: Free slush too!
Flash: [from the back] GET BACK TO WORK!
Peter: I hate that guy. I hate him so very much.
[Flash comes up front with a large box in his arms.]
Flash: Here, price these and put them on the shelves. It's a new product.
[He opens the box and smirks.]
Harry: Mama Brown's Magic Brownies? What the hell?
MJ: Are these even legal?
Flash: Probably not.
[Harry grabs the pricing gun and proceeds to price and shelve the brownies. He drops a package.]
Harry: Oops, we can't sell this one. It fell onto the floor!
[He picks it up and puts it into his pocket. Bored, he looks at the pricing gun and grins evilly. He goes into the back where MJ is putting pop bottles into a pickup truck to use to stock the cooler.]
MJ: Oh, hi Harry! What are you doing back here?
[Harry brandishes the pricing gun and smirks.]
MJ: Oh shit... No!
[Approximately half an hour later...]
Peter: [at the front] Where the hell did those two go?
Flash: Well, Parker, looks like you guys got the hang of this
job.
Peter: It's not really that difficult, it's just that there's
lots to do.
Flash: Good. Cuz tomorrow you five are running the store by
yourselves.
Peter: What? On our second day?
Flash: Yup.
Peter: Bastard.
Flash: What was that?
Peter: Um... I said that I have to feed my bird.
Flash: Oh, ok then. Carry on.
[Harry and MJ wander out from the back, covered in price tags.]
Harry: Cooler's done.
MJ: Uh... yeah.
Peter: About time. Yeah, and apparently we get to run this place
by ourselves tomorrow.
Harry: Cool!
[Jen walks out, looking rather cold. She's holding something.]
Jen: Look what I found in the freezer! Margarita mix!
[Felica rushes up from the back, sporting a pair of dishpan hands.]
Felica: Hey! Hide that! We don't Flash to know that we found
the magarita mix. See, if we work alone tomorrow...
Harry: Bwa-ha-ha! Hide that until tomorrow, dude!
Jen: Sounds like a wonderful plan!
MJ: I'll go throw that into the cooler. I gotta finish it anyways.
Peter: What? I figured you were finished! You and Osborn were
in there long enough.
[Harry clears his throat.]
MJ: Yeah, well... there's lots of pop. Yeah, that's it.
Felica: Well, back to dishes. Hey Harry, you mind drying some?
Harry: I suppose.
[Jen notices a case of Pepsi that's shaking.]
Jen: What the hell's going on with this pop?
Peter: Hm. Must be getting hot from sitting on that vent.
[He
grabs it.] I'll just go put it in the sink in the back until it settles.
[He heads back, where Felica and Harry are doing dishes.] Hey guys,
I'll just leave this here, 'kay?
[Felica drains the dishwater and places the pop in the sink.]
Felica: Sure, what the hell.
[Peter returns to the front.]
Harry: I wonder if spraying cold water on it would help...
[MJ is leaving the cooler with some empty milk crates when...]
[She rushes to the back to see Felica and Harry covered head to toe in Pepsi. Hot Pepsi. Hot, sticky Pepsi.]
Harry & Felica: ...
MJ: Oh my god!
Felica: Nice one there, Osborn.
Harry: Hm. Maybe not my best idea.
[Jen walks by, heading to the freezer.]
Jen: Yeah, we need more... pizza crusts, chicken, hamburger... hell, we need everything. I don't think there's a single thing out there. And we got an order from a... Dr Conners for three deluxe ChickenTaco Pizza with extra dill dip. [She blinks.] Does anyone know how to make one of those?
Peter: You take a pizza crust...
Harry: A tortilla, dumbass!
[The Gang starts to degenerate into a food preparation argument. You know...too many cooks spoil the broth, or something like that...]
MJ: Then the dill dip...
Peter: No dill dip!
Harry: But...
Felica: ... and the salsa...
MJ: No! First the chicken...
[Jen snickers evilly and walks away.]
Peter: Hold it! Let's get Flash to do it.
[Peter goes off in search of Flash. Harry eats a brownie and starts to look dazed. Felica tries to get the sticky pop off of herself (and Harry, and the floor, the wall, the sink, the ceiling...]
Jen: Why are there so many price tags everywhere in the cooler?
Harry: ...
MJ: Must be a ... typo?
Jen: I'm hot. I'm going to cool down in the cooler. [She
heads into the cooler.]
MJ: While you're in there, get some more ice cream mix.
Jen: Why?
MJ: Cuz the little red light on the ice cream thingy is blinking.
Jen: Oh. Ok then.
[Jen enters the cooler and looks around. She spots a milk crate with plastic bags of ice cream mix. She grabs one and brings it to the front of the store.]
Jen: Ok, so what does what now?
Harry: I dunno. Dump the bag into that big steel bucket?
Jen: Yeah, probably.
[She pulls the lid off the mix, and the bag sprays everywhere. After getting ice cream mix on herself, Harry, the ice cream machine and the floor, she manages to pour some mix into the bucket.]
Harry: [wipes ice cream mix off his face] Dammit! Why
is this job so mesy?!
Jen: ... yum? Gimme one of those brownies!
[MJ looks around.]
MJ: This sucks. It's hot out here, and we have to make chicken?
Let's have a party in the cooler.
Harry: Yeah!
[Later: Peter walks in, leading Flash, who looks really pissed off (and has lipstick marks on his collar). They look at the counter to see that no one is there. A large pile of change sits on the counter top. Beside it is a sign saying "Pay here. Be honest."]
Flash: Damn. They found the margarita mix.
Peter: ...
[Flash glances at Peter.]
Flash: Well, whatever. I have a... business meeting. Parker,
you can be in charge today.
Peter: Yay?
Flash: See ya later, wimp.
[Peter walks into the cooler to find his friend sitting in lawnchairs, eating pizza and drinking slush. He stares in horror as Jen pours several shots of vodka into everyone's drink. Harry opens another package of of brownies.]
Harry: Duuuude, maaan... I don't know what's up with these brownies but... I want more. Yeah!
[Felica starts laughing, and spiked slush sprays out her nose.]
Harry: Duuuuude... slush came out your nose! Let's watch cartoons
or somethin'.
Peter: How about going back to work?
Harry: Duuuuuude... work...
MJ: ...
[Peter glares at everyone.]
[MJ and Harry are working the tills. Some dude walks in and buys cigarettes. Harry forks over the smokes.]
MJ: Dumbass, you didn't ID him!
Harry: Whatever. If they aren't old enough to buy 'em, they'll
get someone to pull for 'em. Geez, MJ.
[A six-year-old buys cigarettes.]
MJ: ...
[Harry starts laughing and falls over. He lies on the floor laughing for a bit.]
Harry: Gimme another brownie, dude.
[MJ rolls her eyes and throws a package in his general direction.]
Harry: Sweeeet..
[A man walks up to the counter.]
Guy: Hey! There's a worm in this slush!
MJ: Yeah, so?
Guy: Well, there's a worm! Look!
MJ: Oh, you bought the special slush.
Guy: Special?
MJ: Yeah, special. Winkwinknudgenudge.
Harry: Tequila!
Guy: Oh! Ok, I'll take a pack of those smokes too.
[Harry climbs to his feet.]
Harry: Hey, dude, you should try these brownies too! They're Mama Brown's Magical Brownies! They're magically delicious!
[The man looks at him funny.]
Guy: Just gimme the smokes.
[Later...]
Harry: All right, Parker. Your turn. You do stuff.
MJ: Yeah. Gimme some slush!
Peter: Who's gonna work with me? [He gives everyone the sad
puppy look.]
Jen: Damn, this is slow tonight.
Peter: You're telling me... so... hrm.
Jen: Yeah.
Peter: Well, um...
Jen: Yeah... like...
Peter: Damn. Isn't there something that needs to be done?
Jen: You could clean the oven.
Peter: NO! It's hot enough as it is!
Jen: Screw it. I'm getting more slush.
[Jen tries to pour some slush, but the machine won't give her any.]
Jen: AY! The stupid machine won't give me any slush!
[Everyone gathers around the slush machine.]
Harry: Well, my guess is that the lines have frozen up.
Felica: And how the hell would you know that?
Harry: Duh. I'm a mechanical genius.
Jen: No you're not!
Harry: Hey, I know what I'm talking about! The machine's frozen
up.
Peter: So, what do we do?
Harry: Defrost it.
MJ: How?
[Harry goes into the back.]
Harry: With this.
[He holds up a blowtorch.]
Peter: I have a really bad feeling about this...
[Everyone stands back as Harry proceeds to roast the machine. The plastic tubes leading to the syrup catch on fire, and the machine begins to make ominous noises.]
Felica: Oh...shit, let's get out of here!!
Harry: SAVE THE BROWNIES!
[Everyone goes into a mad panic, grabbing things off the shelves, from the cooler, etc. They run out of the store in time to hear a loud explosion. The store goes from a localized flare into a general conflagration. The gas pumps get caught in the blaze and explode as well, sending shrapnel everywhere.]
MJ: This is pretty fucked up right here.
[Flash runs over.]
Flash: 'da hell? Who did this? WHO? WHO, DAMMIT?!
[A cat walks by. Everyone points at it!]
Jen: It was the cat!
Harry: Hehehe... brownies...
[Flash picks the cat up.]
Flash: Cat, I like your style. You're in charge now. The rest
of you can have the rest of the week off while we... fix up the store.
Felica: So...we're fired, huh?.
Flash: Don't be silly. You guys are back here next week, bright
and early! you're gonna learn to open!
Gang: NooooOOOOooooo!
THE END
| index |
All html content, layout, etc... ©2002 by Jen R. See disclaimer on main page
