So where am I getting at? The fact is that the games of yesterday must not be forgotten, because they are just as good as anything you might see on the shelves now. I hereby present to you the greatest cartridge games ever. For this article, I will be using a scale of 0-10 for each game, based on how many minutes you should be pelted with old game cartridges if you have never played it. For example, Final Fantasy Mystic Quest would receive a score of 0, since I’d rather be doing my taxes, filling out the forms with my own blood, with a Nelson cd playing in the background than so much as pick up the controller to play the freakin thing.
Breath of Fire II: Every RPG, without exception, must have a decent plot, or else it will suck. Breath of Fire II, after a quick scene of the main character’s childhood, uses both a false accusation and a suspicious cult as the backbone of what might possibly be the greatest storyline in video game history. There is a classic battle between good and evil, plenty of character development, and thankfully, no corny dialogue to ruin the whole damn thing. The only problem I have with this game is that you move across the maps more slowly than Rosie O’Donnell on a treadmill. Not much of a gripe, but still enough to reduce the game’s score to a 9.6.
Super Mario Brothers 3: This one goes without saying. You can’t own the 8-bit Nintendo system and not also have a copy of this game. It’s one of the cosmic rules of existence, like ugly guys needing money or alcohol to get laid. In addition to the awesome gameplay, unforgettable characters, and universal audience, there is a great wealth of drug references throughout the game. Mushrooms that make you stronger, and flowers and leaves that give you special powers? Sounds like Mario needs a trip to the Betty Ford Clinic. Despite our hero’s secret junkie self, I’m gonna go ahead and give this one a 9.8
Clash at Demonhead: Most people probably don’t remember this one, which is a real tragedy. This third-person shooter is like a cross between Contra and Mega Man, with intense action every second, and an impressive arsenal of weapons and equipment to use. A word of warning though, this game is not for wussies, which means that it is damn hard. The sound is laughably bad, but as I mentioned, that is irrelevant. 8.9
Doom: Counter Strike, Half-Life, and other celebrated first-person shooters owe a lot to this game. Not only did it break the violence barrier, but it was also one of the first games to be played online, primarily on university networks. It was these two features that revolutionized the first-person shooter as we know it, and provided a small impetus for further Internet development. While this does mean that in some distant way, Doom is partially responsible for all the spam I’ve been receiveing, I’ll ignore this fact and give it a 9.3
Final Fantasy VI: Yes, I already listed an RPG, but this one is just too good not to mention. Like Breath of Fire II, it has an awesome storyline, great character development, and superb gameplay. Moving across the maps is also quicker, and the characters’ strengths and abilities can be changed to a greater degree. There is even a generous portion of humor in the game, which is epitomized in Kefka, the only villain in video game history to serve as the comic relief. RPG’s simply don’t get better than this. 9.9
Sonic the Hedgehog: The Sega Genesis really didn’t get much right, but it still competed fairly well with the Super Nintendo. Sonic is largely responsible, not only as Sega’s mascot, but as its best series ever. It is fast-paced, the gameplay is solid, there are enough different worlds and enemies to keep it interesting, and the main villain looks like Larry Fine with a moustache. What’s not to like? 9.5
I’m also going to list a few immortal classics that are just too simple to write more than one of a sentence about: Pac-Man, Centipede, Q-Bert, and Tetris.
If you still think that the greatness of a video game depends on how it looks or sounds, protect your groin, cause that’s where I’m throwing the old game cartridges.
