Pitch a perfect game when you're 40 years old
Not too long ago, Randy Johnson, my favorite pitcher of all time, reached the peak of his career when he pitched a 13-strikeout perfect game against the Atlanta Braves. His pitch count went well beyond 100, which is particularly ill-advised when you're one of the oldest players in the game. However, he toughed it out and went on to pass Cy Young as the oldest man ever to pitch a perfect game in the major leagues. He fooled every batter he faced, getting them to chase balls way outside the strike zone and befuddling them on any pitch inside the strike zone. With this achievement, Johnson made yet another case for his future Hall of Fame bid, as well as the unofficial title of "Pitcher Whose Presence Makes the Most Batters Soil Themselves."
Host a talk show in which you convince hundreds of beautiful women to get butt-naked
Howard Stern is probably the greatest hero of this generation of heterosexual males. Every week he brings in a woman who is either about to, or recently did pose for Penthouse or other magazine that comes wrapped in plastic. That's not all, folks. In the four years that I've seen/heard his show, he hasn't had one lame guest. What's truly great about him is that he has the balls to say what he wants on nationally-broadcasted media without the least bit of fear of being reprimanded by the FCC. To express yourself with no regard for what other people will say or do is the mark of a true anti-wuss.
Preserve the ideals of rock and roll, one stage at a time!
While there are many great bands out there, there are two in particular that come to mind. Of course I am referring to Kiss and Aerosmith. These guys have been rocking since the '70s and are still going strong, even when the quality of mainstream music was repeatedly reduced by crap like Nelson, Richard Marx, Starship, and Nickelback. In addition to making hundreds of awesome songs, the members of Kiss and Aerosmith have exhibited another prominent trait of rock stars: being up to their earlobes in groupies. Steven Tyler even hooked up with someone hot enough to cancel out his own ugliness and then some, resulting in uber-babe Liv Tyler. And Gene Simmons, well, I shouldn't have to tell you what he's capable of doing with that long tongue of his. Both bands now have rightfully-earned spots in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, ensuring their immortality in the annals of awesome music.
Defend yourself against a full-grown bear with nothing more than a three-inch knife
I believe this story was also depicted in an article on Maddox's site(see the links page), but that's not where I first heard about it, and damn, people need to know about this any way they can. British Columbia resident John Hirsch was checking on the turkeys that he had been raising in his backyard, when suddenly a black bear came out of nowhere and started circling him. The bear made the first move, lunging at Hirsch several times, but Hirsch answered right back every time with a stab from his blade. After three stabs to the chest and one to the neck, the bear finally backed down, ending one of the most impressive conflicts between man and beast.
You obviously don't need to create platinum albums or pitch a perfect game to avoid being called a wuss, but these are the sure-fire ways. But since not everyone can achieve this kind of greatness, many of you should simply select a goal that you can attain, like giving your jerk-ass neighbor the finger.
