But all jokes aside folks, I do get the sense that everyone's been on edge for awhile down here. I have been watching the events of your life unfold for quite some time now, and I am sorry to say that things seem to have become dark for this...Oh crap, I promised myself I wouldn't do this...What is it...UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, that's it! Oh, please don't look so hurt my flock. I have not forsaken you. I do have an entire world to watch, and only so many hours in the day. I mean, you guys think you lead a twisted existence, you should spend more time watching China. I mean the stuff that the goverment over there will stick into their soilders...Whoo.

Anyway, I notice all of you seem a little confused by the nametag. Yes, it does say Jebus. There was a bit of a snafoo in the editorial process of the New Testament. You see, when my mother got prenant with me, the lord's child...Oh, I can see the raised hands, I know you all have alot of questions about that, but I'd perfer not to think about it. Just the thought of Dad having sex is a little gross to me. But, when Mom was pregnant with me there was a long discussion about what to name me. I mean Christ, I'm the son of God, but by this time Dad wasn't speaking to Mom anymore, except when she got really drunk and started praying to him in the middle of the night. Boy, I've heard some horror stories there.

Since Dad was out of the picture at this point, Mary speant most of her time talking to Uncle Joe about it...What? Oh, Joesph made me call him Uncle Joe. He was worried about God getting upset if I thought that he was my real dad. That, and I think Joesph was a little intimidated about trying to fill my Dad's shoe's. I mean, god, not everyone can be me. Anyway, Uncle Joe was particular to the name Jesus. He thought it was a good, strong name, that people could respect. By my mom, ever the free-thinker; bless her soul, thought that it sounded a little too plain. You see, Jesus was an extremely popular name at that time. It would be like naming a child John now. I mean, who in the hell gives birth to the Son of God, and names them John. I swear to god, if she would've let Joesph get away with that, I would've climbed out of the manger and slapped the silly shit out of her. I have forgiven Joesph for his mistakes a long time ago, however. To tell the truth, he was a bit of a lush.

Oh my, look at that. I came down to give all of you comfort and yet I can’t stop talking about me. What about you my little lambs? What is on your mind? Whoa, whoa, whoa…One at a time please. You in the back there, the one with the cute, fluffy little tail. Just kidding.

What? No, I don’t think it seems insulting to refer to a human being as a lamb. What? Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone, okay? It’s just to me, all you guys have seemed like my little lambs, just following me around, y’know? Look, that language is completely uncalled for. Well, allow me to ask you something my child. How do you make your living? You seem very well dressed. Clearly you are an important person, one not to be underestimated. Really? Most Impressive my child.

Perhaps I was a bit to hasty with the lamb monicker. I can certainly see your point now. Surely I was out of line with my comment before. I mean, you’re right, I’m only the Son of God and you’re an investment banker, you should be helping me with my ‘long game’. Anyone else want to compare acheivements?

I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to snap, my children. It’s just…well I get that question all the time, and every two-thousand years, things like that start to wear on your nerves. I mean, Jesus, what do I have to do to get half-an-ounce of respect around here. What ma’am? NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY. What kind of question is that? I’ve been unemployed since 32 a.d.