She stands by the counter, her arms moving agitatedly as she argues with the clerk over the price of the candy bars. She had a coupon, but the old guy doesn't want to take it. Says something about the region code or whatever. Neither she nor I knows or cares about what he's talking about, but if it were me, I would have let it go.
Not her. She's too passionate about everything to let it go. She will not pay full price for a snickers bar if she should be getting it for half off. She's got her university sweatshirt on over the lilac sundress, and it looks really cute, with her arms waving in the air, and her little skirt swaying around her legs as she makes her points. She's my best friend. She's my confidante. She's my hopes and dreams.
Rianna turns to me in disgust. "Can you believe this jerk?"
I can only shrug. I don't care as much as she does, but I would never tell her that.
We've been driving since dawn. We're taking a long weekend. Cut class this morning, we'll drive all weekend, and get back Monday whenever we feel like it.
There's an anniversary to celebrate, and we sure as hell weren't going to do it on campus.
She gets behind the wheel this time, and I watch her as she pulls away. I'm a little tired from all the driving this morning, so it feels good to sit back in the seat and just watch. I plug her mp3 player into the cassette player, and pick a song. I'll be DJ Jazzy Sara for the afternoon. Maybe I can help her relax a little.
The first song is an upbeat one. We bounce our heads in time, but she would have been singing a few weeks ago.
So hard to believe your whole life can change in a few weeks...
Rianna's hair is just pulled back, and the dark curls look as tired as she does. She hasn't been sleeping well, and it always shows on her. She used to tease that she needs her beauty sleep or else she looks like the swamp thing.
I don't try to make conversation. If she wanted to talk, she wouldn't have suggested that the two of us go off together alone. She's usually really good at including people in things, even when she doesn't want to.
I've known her since we were seven. The first day of school, some boys teased me about being a tomboy, and she knocked Terry Lucius in the head. Then she took my arm and said that 'little ladies' couldn't associate with such riff raff.
I still remember that day perfectly, as if it were just yesterday. She is such a kind person.
Just as the song is about to end, I pick something new. Something with a strong beat, but harder. Her fingers loosen on the steering wheel. Sometimes, you need to drown yourself in vicious music.
Our teacher in the fourth grade used to call us the tomboy and the beauty queen. I used to hate that. She used to say we made such a cute couple. I used to hate that even more.
Rianna used to smile and laugh at it, though. She said that it was cute, because we were a pair.
We used to dream together, and make up stories. We made up this whole world that was like ancient China, and I was the emperor, and she was the court princess, and we were both boys. People thought we were weird, pretending to be boys, especially Rianna, since she would dress up in skirts and wear makeup, and insist that she was a boy.
My father used to hate those games. He used to berate me, and call me names. And when he got drunk, he would threaten me.
Afterwards, Rianna would sneak into my room, and cuddle up against me. Sometimes, I could escape to her house. She would tell me that he wasn't my real father, that my real father was from ancient China, in our past life, and that she was my real family.
I believed her.
I switch the songs again, and now it's an angry woman rock song. Rianna taps her finger along the top of the steering wheel.
I watch her from the corner of my eye. She's perfectly beautiful, with thick, black hair, pale skin, small frame, nice body, and wondrous blue eyes that I love to dream about. I've been in love with her forever, it seems, but it doesn't matter.
She trusts me more than anyone else in the world. She's never dated anyone she trusts more than she trusts me.
That makes me the most important person in her life, and that's better than anything.
We're taking the scenic route. The roads are crappy, and move faster than you'd think a two-lane road with questionable shoulders should move, but it's scenic.
Rianna wanted scenic.
Fourteen songs later, she pulls over for a rest stop. She doesn't ask me if I'm hungry because she already knows that I go twelve hours between meals. I go to pump the gas, because the tomboy pumps and the beauty queen goes to the bathroom to fix her hair.
What do you know? Sometimes, the stereotypes are true.
Except, she doesn't fix her hair. She comes back looking tired. It makes my heart ache to see her like that.
"There's a motel nearby. We can stay here tonight."
"If you want to." I wonder how she knows that, but when I turn my head to pull the nozzle out of the car, I can see the sign for the hotel. Yes, kids, Sara is a genius.
"I know we could put more miles under us, but I don't really see the point. And this seems kinda nice."
I smile at her. She doesn't need to explain to me. "I'll go pay; be right back."
"No, I'll go in."
"You got it this morning," I object, but she's already moving. I sigh, and slip into the driver's seat.
She's always doing this, and it actually doesn't bother me, but I wish she didn't feel like she had to. I wish a lot of things. She knows that I'm basically entirely cut off from my parents, and that I work as an RA and at the flower shop on campus to make ends meet. I don't feel like a charity case, because it's Rianna, but I do feel like she shouldn't have to worry about me.
She has more important things to think about.
She gets back in and shoves the receipt in the little cubby under the stereo. I start the car and we make our way to the motel. It's cheap and a little dirty, and we don't care. We throw our bags on the floor and bounce on the beds. They're thin, but who cares? It's an adventure, right?
"Wanna watch cable?" She's got this look in her eyes.
Motel cable is the best. It's part of the joy of being in a motel. Neither of us ever had cable growing up. It's not surprising that I didn't, but Rianna's family never did, either. Rianna's parents are really moral and stuff, and they think there's too much junk on cable. So, motel cable is like a treat in and of itself.
We flip the tv on, and stretch out on our respective beds. There're only five stations, so we end up watching a lame '80s movie. It had its moments.
When the credits were rolling, Rianna rolls over to face me, her sweatshirt all bunched up around her torso and her skirt up high on her legs. "Let's get some food and stay in tonight."
I just nod, and get up to go to the bathroom. We walk, because it's really a small town. There are some looks, but Rianna doesn't notice them. I'd like to think that people thought that we were a couple, but that just isn't it. Rianna gets stared at all the time. She tells me that I'm pretty, too, but who would notice under my baggy clothes, with my short hair, or with my scrubbed clean look?
Well, besides Rianna, assuming that she isn't just being nice.
Just as we were about to go to this place with a plastic burger in front, and an ice cream cone of the roof, Rianna stopped and tugged on my arm. "Hey, look."
I look, but don't see anything. And then I do.
"Let's go, hm?"
As if I would say no to her. But I shrug. Actually, the idea of it makes me a little nervous, but I follow, my hands in my pockets. I know I'm slouching, but I'm trying my best.
See, I don't believe in psychics, but you never know, right? And what if this lady could really do it? What would she say?
I still have a secret from my best friend.
The place isn't like you'd think. It isn't dark, with shelves full of shrunken heads and jars full of fingers or whatever. It had lots of plants, and a filmy blue curtain over the window, filtering the light.
The woman that came out wasn't what you would expect either. She was in her thirties, plumpish, with dirty blonde hair and a big smile. No makeup. That earned her points with me.
"What can I do you girls for?" Her eyes dart from me to Rianna, but she's waiting for Rianna to speak. Maybe she's for real. Or maybe I'm reading into to things. I shrink back a little.
"How much for a palm reading? For a tarot reading?" Rianna talks like she does this all the time, and I know she doesn't, but it sounds good.
The woman nods, smiling. "You want a palm reading. My cards have been out of sorts all week. I think it's the moon. C'mon, sit down, let's go. It's ten dollars, by the way."
Rianna sits down in front of her, and holds her hand out. I watch, noticing how tense Rianna looks. I would offer to give her a massage later, but... We don't do that sort of thing for each other.
The woman takes her hand, just holding it for a moment or two before she starts to look. She hums, a pleasant song that makes you think you know the song, even though it's only a few bars. She runs her fingers over the inside of her palm.
I watch, a little envious.
"My, my, my... little girl, little girl, little girl... But you aren't a little girl anymore, are you? I'm sorry for your loss. Muffin, don't fret, it's not the end of the road. I promise. You have a long lifeline, very strong. The major breaks, those are mostly past. The trials you've already endured, that's prolly the worst."
Rianna's back is completely stiff, and I've inched a little closer, but she moves on.
"You have a single, steady love line. There's only one for you, pet, and you know it, have always known it. Don't be afraid of whatever is ahead of you; your love will make you strong. And you are strong."
She says more, but I don't listen anymore. I have this weird feeling like this is a private moment, even though there is almost nothing private between Rianna and me. Rianna doesn't keep any secrets.
The woman doesn't ask for my hand. She takes Rianna's ten and smiles, leading her to the door. But she does catch my arm, and smile at me.
"Thanks." I don't know why I said that, but now that it's out, I have to smile, too.
"Don't worry, peach blossom. She'll be ok."
I think she must have me confused for someone else, because I'm not a peach blossom.
The next day's drive takes us closer to the water. I drive the early shift again, and Rianna sleeps next to me. She slept a little last night. It's easier to sleep when you are traveling. There's nothing else to do. But she had me shift the furniture so we could push the beds a little closer. I wanted to sleep with her, but I know what she was thinking. She needed to be able to sleep on her own.
With the ocean on one side, and trees and hills on the other, it was a really pretty ride.
Except we didn't care that much for the scenery.
Still and all, it was very pretty, and after a while, we decided to pull over and go to this park there was a sign for.
The sign said something like 'Some Stupid Guy Who Gave The State A Lot Of Money State Park,' and I think the big attraction, and why they were charging $10 to get in, was the dunes. The dunes were pretty cool there, and a lot people liked to dune buggy around.
That seemed like fun, and there was this group of guys with buggies down the way, but Rianna and I had fun just running up and down the dunes. It was hard! And Rianna actually laughed a little. Not much, but still...
She was wearing these tan shorts, and two tank tops, with spaghetti straps. The underneath one had a shelf bra. She looked really cute, with her pigtails and multiple tanks. She held her arms out from her body as she ran down the dune, yelling a little as she tripped down the high sands, barefoot.
I felt overdressed in my jeans, but then, I never really like to wear shorts much anyway.
Rianna's legs seem so long, without shoes and in those shorts. Like they just stretch on and on for miles. So smooth, and perfectly formed... I try not to stare too much, but it's been a while since she's been so happy.
We're still just running around on the dunes when the guys with the buggies come up.
"Baby! Wanna take a ride?" The guy in the front is talking to Rianna, since there's no possible way he could be talking to me. He's sorta good looking, I think, but he hasn't shaved in a while. Most people wouldn't find that too disgusting, but I know that Rianna has a thing about facial hair.
She even got one of her ex's to wax his face, but only that one time.
"Actually, my friend and I are just meandering around on our own, thanks." She pretends to be polite, but I've known her long enough to know better. She wants them gone.
I step up closer to her, to emphasize her point. I'm very aware that there are four of them, and they're on buggies, and the little shack pretending to be the ranger station is pretty far away and they probably can't hear us from here...
"Oh, ditch the dyke and play with us, babe." The redhead behind the guy in front made some obscene gesture with his nose and eyebrows, which I might have found creative if I wasn't so busy being offended.
Rianna is very easy going and laid back, unless you mess with one of her friends. Then she becomes megabitch from hell girl.
It's one of the things I love about her.
"Mm, as much fun as it might be playing with adolescent boys who need big machines to get anything done, my friend and I are actually quite well off without you, so why don't you little boys take your Tonka trucks back to the big sandbox and leave us alone?" She crosses her arms over her chest and turns her back to them, turning her little nose up as she does.
She so rules.
The redhead is about to get huffy, but the guy in front looks like he's a lot nicer than his friends. He revs his engine, and smiles. "Sorry to disturb you ladies. Just thought you might be interested. Have a good day!" And he drives off, giving the redhead a dirty look, his friends behind him.
The redhead spits in our direction, but it doesn't actually get that close.
Rianna is still fuming. So like her not to be able to give up her anger... She stomps across the sand, kicking out as she moves, the sand sparkling as it splashes around her footfalls. "All men are alike! Such jackasses! Can you believe those guys! I mean, honestly, like no woman in her right mind would ever refuse them, unshaven heathens..."
I trail after her, kicking the sand, too, because it's fun. Her cheeks flush as she talks, her arms flailing about her body madly. I would say something, but I know when she gets worked up like this, she doesn't really listen anyway.
"Men think they are such studs, even the ugly ones! Remember that boy, Patrick, from high school? He was always pawing me, asking me out and stuff... He must have had ten gallons of oil in his face, and he thought I would actually date him?!?"
I remember that guy. He was a jerk. Always hanging around when he wasn't wanted... Rianna's boyfriend beat him up one afternoon. Rianna never knew that it was Jason who did that. He told me about it, though. Asked me not to tell Rianna. I never have, because Jason said that he only did it because Patrick was overheard saying that he was going to have Rianna, 'whether she liked it or not.' I don't know, and neither did Jason, whether that was true or not, or even if it was just talk, but he was a jerk, and it was about time someone pummeled him for it.
"Fuck! It's like they think they're gods just cuz they have dicks. Most of them don't know how to use them, but hey! I've got this sorta small thing hanging between my legs, so naturally women want to worship me!"
I laugh, but she's too worked up to hear me anyway. It's hard to keep up with her, actually.
"Like a dick is such a great thing, anyway. I certainly never saw the appeal." She plops down in the sand, at the top of the dune. We can see the ocean from here.
"I think there is a certain... er, functionality to them." I sit as close to her as I can, my butt sinking into the sand, my fingers digging in. It's warm and comforting.
"I'm not so sure." Her voice is dark, and I want to kick myself. What a stupid thing to say! "They hand them out to just anyone. If they were really functional, there's be a screening process."
"Three day waiting period, and a psychological profile." I try to tease, bumping my knee against hers.
"Hmph!" Her little nose wrinkled up. "Right, cuz that works so well for guns! Men are such... pigs! Do you know what Ryan said when I told him? He said, Thank god!" She shakes her head, and hugs her knees. "Can you believe that? Thank god."
I want to spit nails, but I don't have any nearby. "He... he was just stupid."
"Of course he was. He had a Y chromosome. It inhibits brain activity." She rests her chin on her knees and glares at the ocean. "He tried to get me to sleep with him that night. Said 'lightning never strikes twice, baby.' So, a, he was a complete insensitive jackass, and b, he was scientifically inaccurate."
She's nearly growling now. She hasn't told me this, yet. Maybe she was afraid I would try something, and get hurt. She's always worrying about other people getting hurt, never looking after herself...
"God, I don't know what I ever saw in him. It makes me sick to think there was a time when I thought he was something special." She burrows a little in her cocoon of arms and legs. "I can't believe I used to be infatuated with him. I thought he was smart, and funny... Just another jackass."
I scoot closer to her, letting my legs touch hers. "Don't do this, Rianna, please. Everybody lives and learns, right?"
"I can't even remember now what was so great about him. All he wanted was sex. We didn't have that much in common, we didn't do that much else together. I can remember when I first met him, thinking that he was so..."
She hasn't done this yet. I want to sigh and cry. It's good, but hard, and if I could, I would spare her from any pain.
Of course, I fail miserably in that hope almost daily...
"But the more I got to know him, the more things were the same as with any guy. I mean, sex is just... Oh, I'm sorry, Sara. I don't want to get all male-bash-y." She turns to face me, her eyes wide with apology.
I hate that. Like, just because I've never had sex, I can't understand what she's gone through. I smile, and shake my head. "Please, go on. I don't mind. You have a right to be bitter."
She smiles as she sighs, and lays her face on her knees. "I mean, it's all right, I guess. But... I just wish... I mean, it's pretty good. But it's not that big a deal. The first time always sucks. Sometimes, it hurts. Maybe... maybe I should have spoken out more, but I just..."
She pauses, her eyes closing as she nearly trembles with the need to say what she means.
"It's like I never really wanted for any of them to get so close to me, you know? Like, if I told Ryan what I liked and where I wanted him to touch me, he would know something secret about me that he wasn't good enough to know. So, I would just let him do whatever. But I think the whole sexual evolution thing went horribly astray! He would play with my breasts for hours, and after a while I was like, that's nice, but could we move this on to someplace more interesting? And then he'd get going, but it was never really enough to get me, you know? I even bought lube once, told him that it was necessary sometimes. I was just sick of... aching afterwards.
"And I always felt empty. Like, I didn't want him in me, really, but when it was over, I felt like he... like he took something from me."
She becomes pensive for a moment, and I'm haunted by memories. The other people on my floor wonder why I've taken to using the community bathroom, but if they knew what had happened in my bathroom...
She seems to physically break herself out of her reverie. "And god! He was always going on about getting a damn blowjob! Fuckin' 'ey, it's not like he was ever offering to get on his knees for me! Oh, god, no, that would be disgusting, but sticking his filthy prick in my mouth, no, that's good! Bastard..."
If she were in a cartoon, she'd have steam coming out of her ears. Seriously.
She turns to look at me, her eyes blazing. "Do you ever think of just... chucking them all in?"
"The ocean?"
"No, I mean, just forgetting all about them and just... just... going the other way?"
"The other way of what?" I swear to god, I'm not stupid, I'm not! But I can be a little obtuse from time to time...
"Sara!" She rolls her eyes and looks perfectly cute. "I mean... you know, forgetting about boys and concentrating on girls?"
"Oh." Dear god, she's serious. I try to think of something to say, and find my mouth is moving before my brain. "Well, yeah. Naturally."
"Yeah?" She looks at me, her eyes perfectly blank, questioning. Her posture is totally serious. She's goading me on, and my stupid mouth is letting her...
"I'm gay."
Now why the hell did I say that? What if she freaks? What if she hates me? What if she gets weird around me, and doesn't want me to be close to her, or doesn't want to share a room in the motel, or...
She stares at me, before screwing up her face in a glare. "Sara!" She whacks me on the shoulder. For such a small girl, she can really hit... "Why didn't you ever tell me? How long have you known? Why wouldn't you talk to me about this?"
I find my heart is pounding. I can't believe this is out, as it were, but I feel... I feel... like a vice has been loosened around my heart. It feels good! "I... I... I'm sorry, I just... I thought, well, maybe... maybe you might be upset, or weird or..."
"Oh, Sara!" And she just flings herself at me, her arms swallowing me whole.
I want to cry a little.
"You should know that you could say anything to me. We're bound, remember? I'll love you forever, no matter what." She speaks in my ear, and her body is up against mine, and I'm holding her, and it's different than ever before because she knows now, and she loves me, she said so...
I want to tell her how much that means to mean, but my throat is solid, and no sound can come out.
"Sara, don't start crying, please, because then I'll cry, and for god's sake, you know I'll never stop!" She wipes at my eyes, her hands on my face, and she smiles even as her cheeks trembled with the unshed tears. She is so perfect.
"Thank you." I manage to squeak it out, and she hugs me again, and I wrap my arms around her waist, because it feel so good to have her know!
If I had known how good this would be, I wouldn't have kept this from her for so long.
The guys on buggies are below us, and the stupid redhead is saying something, but thank god, we can't hear him. We can hear one of the other one's whistling.
I wish that there was something for them to whistle about, but really, there is, isn't there?
She knows, and she said she still loves me.
I'm happy. And she's smiling, which is a damn fine thing, the day before anyway.
Just when we get in the car, she slams her hand on the steering wheel, swearing.
"What?" I'm anxious that we've forgotten something important, or something is wrong...
"I can't believe it! That fucking jackass redhead was right!"
It takes me a full minute to understand what she means, and when I get it, I start to laugh, out loud and really deep.
She stares at me with a mixture of whimsy and disbelief, before she starts to laugh, too.
She hasn't laughed that hard for over a month. I lean back in the seat, really glad we stopped to play in the dunes.
