(Jerry Springer walks onstage, microphone in hand)
Jerry: Hello hello hello, and welcome to today’s show, "I’m a Hermaphrodite and My Friends Don’t Know! Let’s welcome our first guest, Frol Frolbericheri!
(Frol walks in, smiling and waving at the audience, and sits down in one of the 11 chairs lined up on the stage)
Jerry: So, Frol, tell us a bit about yourself.
Frol: Well, as you already know, I’m a hermaphrodite. Recently, I’ve been taking the Cosmo Academy entrance exam, living on an old Terran ship with ten other applicants.
Jerry: And they don’t know you’re a hermaphrodite?
Frol: Well, that’s why I’m here, right?
(An audience member stand up)
Audience Member: JEZ UR A PERV!!!!1111! HOOD WNNA LVE WIHA FRAK LKIE TAH!!11111!!!!!
Frol: You shut your trap right now or I’ll bust your ass!
Jerry: Now, now, let’s all calm down. Remember, this is a show for talking, not for fighting. Violence doesn’t solve anything.
Frol (grumbling): Says who?
Jerry: Either way, let’s welcome the friends Frol wants to tell! Here they are: Tada, King, Amazon, Fourth, Toto, Rockhead, Knu, Rednose, Chaka and Ganga!
(Tada, King, Fourth, Gren aka Rockhead, Knu and Ganga come out and take their seats)
Jerry: Wait a minute, there’s only six of you. Where’s everyone else?
King: Well, someone had to watch the ship.
Jerry: Right. Why don’t you all introduce yourselves?
(They do)
Jerry: Now, your friend Frol has brought you here because she has something to tell you.
Frol: Excuse me?
King: Frol, you brought us here?
Frol (ignoring him): Did you just call me a woman?
Fourth: We’re not supposed have outside contact! You just made us fail the test, you bastard!
(Frol turns away from a cowering Jerry and faces Fourth, looking smug)
Frol: Actually, Jerry and his audience aren’t considered intelligent beings by intergalactic standards, so we technically aren’t making contact with anyone right now.
Fourth: Oh.
Jerry (from a safe place up in the audience): Well, anyway, Frol has something to tell all of you.
(Everybody looks at Frol, who clears her throat nervously)
Frol: Excuse me?
(His throat! His throat!)
Frol: That’s better. Now, guys, I got something to tell you.
Fourth: We know. What is it already?
Frol: I’m a hermaphrodite.
Everyone except for the Audience, Frol, Tada and Knu: WHAT?
Tada: I knew it! Pay up, Fourth! Intuition going haywire, my ass!
(Once he comes out of his shock, Fourth hands Tada money, which he sticks into Hammerspace. King, meanwhile, has stalked over to Frol and is arguing with, um, him)
King: You took a gender test before the final exam, Frol! What was your result?
Frol: Actually, I failed the gender test.
Everyone except Knu: WHAT?
Fourth: How can you fail a gender test?
Frol: By not having a gender, Mr. I’m-Sleeping-With-the-King-of-Saba!
(Fourth and King blush, and Frol smiles wickedly)
Audience: Oooooh!
Jerry: What a shocking development! Is this true, King?
King (still blushing): Of course not! Right, Fourth?
Fourth (looking put out): Right.
Knu: Meneer should not act this way.
(Everybody falls silent)
Frol: What?
Knu: Your behavior is inappropriate for one of your kind.
Frol: And how would you know so much about my kind?
Knu: Because I, too, failed the gender test.
Everyone except Knu: WHAT?
Jerry: Can this get any more twisted? It turns out Knu’s a hermaphrodite too!
Knu: Yes.
(The same audience member as before stands up)
Audience Member: OMG UR A PERV 2 HOW CN U LVIE WIT URSEF!!!!!!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ND U HAE SKALS
Frol: You leave him the hell alone!
(Frol starts heading up into the audience. Gren and Ganga leap out of their seats to hold him back, but... he throws them off and punches Ganga in the face, sending him flying. Steve the Bodyguard catches him)
Jerry (backing away from Frol): Now, let’s all calm--is that green blood coming from Ganga’s mouth?
(Indeed, it is. Ganga spits some out, causing a small green stain on the carpet)
Jerry: Oh my God! What are you?
(Everyone has returned to their seats and is sitting forward, waiting to hear about this new development)
Ganga: I’m a Saban, but from one of the planets on the border. There’s a lot of disease on my planet; most of us don’t live past 30.
Audience: How tragic!
Ganga: So when I was nine, I was given experimental algae injections. If I live past 30, staying relatively healthy, they’ll start offering the treatment to other people on my planet.
Tada: He’s a really healthy guy.
Jerry: So this means what, exactly?
Ganga: Basically, most of my metabolism is made up of algae.
(Audience Member stands up)
Audience Member: U MEEN UR A PLNT TATS SOOOOO FRKY!111111!!!!! ND I GOTA AK KING WATS WTH TAT HAR RU GAY R SUMTHIN!!!!!!111111!!!!!!
Frol: Hey, I thought I told you--
King: No, Frol. I am King of my planet. If I cannot answer this question on my own, I don’t deserve to rule.
(King stands up. Everybody looks at him expectantly)
King: The truth is--
(Fourth leaps to his feet)
Fourth (yelling): The truth is yes, he is, and he’s sleeping with me!
Audience: GASP!
Jerry: Good lord, will the surprises never end?
(Audience Member passes out from an overload of his brain capacity)
King: No, actually, that’s not true.
(Fourth stares at King in shock)
Fourth: King... I thought...
Jerry: Oh, the humanity!
King: The truth is...
(Tears start to stream from Fourth’s eyes)
Fourth: You... You LIAR!
King: The truth is, I’m bi. And Fourth, I was going to wait until after the test was over to do this, but...
(Reaching into his pocket, King kneels in front of Fourth, who stares at him)
King: Fourth, we’ve been together for only a short time, but it seems like forever. Every day is brighter when you’re there. I love you, and I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No, I know it.
Fourth: King...
(Fourth presses a hand to his mouth, holding back sobs. King takes his other hand in his own as the audience watches on, completely silent)
King: Fourth, will you be my Queen?
(King brings a small black box out of his pocket and flicks it open. Inside is a ring with a huge diamond on it. Fourth gasps, and tears fall again, though this time in joy)
Fourth: ... yes, King. I will be your Queen.
(King stands up and slips the ring onto Fourth’s finger. They kiss amid thunderous applause from the audience)
Audience Member (miraculously recovered): OMG OMG OMG U R SOOOOO GON 2 HEL U STUPE FAGS--
(Jerry beats the Audience Member to death with his microphone. Everybody cheers)
Jerry: Isn’t that sweet, folks? True love. Brings tears to my eyes every time.
(He wipes a few tears from his eyes)
Jerry: Well, we have a few minutes left, anyone have anything else to say?
Tada: I have something...
Frol: Well, then, spit it out! Anything’s better than watching those two.
(He points to Fourth and King, who are off in a corner snuggling and talking baby talk to each other)
Tada: OK. You remember that time you said I had a bigger bust than you?
Frol: Yeah, what about it?
Tada: You were right. And there’s a reason for it.
(Ganga, who has been eyeing Tada’s ass throughout the show, leans forward with interest)
Tada: ...I’m a woman.
Audience: GASP!
Jerry: And yet another twist! How many more secrets does this group have?
(Ganga leaps out of his seat)
Ganga: That’s great! I thought I was gay!
(He runs to Tada and pulls him... her into a passionate kiss, which Tada returns with fervor)
Tada: Oh, Ganga! You’re so healthy!
(They run off to snog in a corner while Frol makes gagging motions)
Jerry: Awww... Two young people realize their love for each other. Or at least their unbridled lust. Either way, they look happy enough.
(Gren, deeply affected by the open, accepting atmosphere on the show, stands up, prepared to reveal his deepest, darkest secret)
Gren: Ahem. I have something I’d like to confess.
(Everybody ignores him. They’re too busy watching the free show, courtesy of Tada and Ganga)
Gren: AHEM!
(All eyes jerk to focus on Gren. He smiles)
Gren: That’s better. I have something to confess as well.
Jerry: Really? What is it?
Gren: Well, when we set out on this test, we were told that we would be in a group consisting of ten Cosmo Academy applicants. However, when we reached the testing site, we found that there were 11 of us.
Jerry: But does that really matter? I mean, you’re all stuck out on a ship in the middle of nowhere. Wouldn’t it be smarter to focus on surviving rather than trying to figure out who the extra person is?
Gren (sweatdropping): You wouldn’t understand. Either way, I just wanted to say that... I am the 11th person.
(All activity stops for a second)
Frol: Yeah right, Rockhead.
Fourth (coming out of the Snuggle of Doom): You’re just trying to draw attention to yourself!
King: We all know Tada’s the 11th.
Tada: I am not! And my intuition said you weren’t either, and it’s never wro-oh, Ganga...
Gren: But... But I’m the stronger telepath...
Jerry: Sorry, Gren. Survey says you’re lying.
(Gren sinks back down into his chair, head in hands)
Gren: I should’ve retired when I had the chance. Then I wouldn’t have to be here with these stupid, horrible people.
(Knu pats him on the shoulder)
Knu: It is fate.
Jerry: Well, it looks like we’re out of time. See you next time, and remember--
(The TV is clicked off. On the White, Amazon, Toto, Chako and Rednose look at each other)
Amazon: Jeez. We’re rooming with a bunch of weirdos.
Rednose: Yeah. Some of that stuff was pretty unbelievable.
Amazon: Tada being a girl, that I can see. But Rockhead being the 11th? No way.
(They sit around for a while)
Chako: I’m bored. Let’s do something.
Toto: I have an idea! How about we have a Springer show right here, just for us!
(The others look at him quizically)
Toto: You know! We confess all of our oddities and stuff to each other! Chako, you go first.
Amazon: This is a stupid idea.
Chako (getting an odd look in his eyes): Alright.
(He stands up, fixing Toto with a wicked gaze)
Chaka: I like small children.
Toto: EEP!
(Toto runs away, Chako close on his heels. Amazon and Rednose look at each other)
Rednose: ...Want another beer?
Amazon: Sure.
(Rednose pulls a beer out of the cooler and hands it to Amazon, who turns the TV back on with a flick of his wrist. They continue to watch the Jerry Springer Marathon late into the night)
