One morning, Sasuke woke up. He blinked several times, trying to figure out where he was. Then he remembered: he was in Orochimaru’s hideout. But why was he there? Oh yeah, he thought, he needed to become the strongest fighter in the world/kill his only surviving family member/show Naruto who the man really was.
“But really,” said Inner Sasuke, the part of him that worked on logic, “why are you here?”
“I don’t know,” Sasuke said aloud. Then he left. He went back to Hidden Leaf Village, the place he’d left six years ago. When he got there, he found that his apartment and all his possessions had been sold and the proceeds donated to the House for Battered Kunoichi. Sasuke was in a tizzy. Where was he going to live?
“That’s an easy question,” Inner Sasuke said. “You’re still hot, aren’t you?” Sasuke checked. He was. “So all you have to do is make someone here fall for you and live at their place until you find an apartment of your own. And I know just the person.” Sasuke smiled and set off for Haruno Sakura’s house.
Once he got there, he found that Sakura had already moved out, so he went to her apartment instead. Just as he was about to knock on the door, though, Inner Sasuke brought up a good point.
“Wouldn’t it impress her more if you climbed in through the window with a rose between your teeth?” he said. “Chicks dig that romantic crap.”
So Sasuke left the apartment building, stole a rose from a neighbor’s garden, cut his gums on the thorns, and climbed back up the apartment building, on the outside this time. Sakura’s bedroom window was open, so he went in. It was dark, so he turned on the light.
He knew something was wrong the instant he saw the green jumpsuit hanging over a chair. What could it mean? He contemplated it for a time, but was distracted by a voice from the front room.
“Hello? Is anyone there?”
Sasuke smirked. It was Sakura’s voice. That meant he could waltz in and steal her heart, just like old times. He opened the door and was immediately rendered unconscious.
When he came to, he found himself outside of the apartment building, next to a dumpster. The rose lay next to him, a note tied to the remainder of the broken stem. He untied the string and read the note.
Dear Sasuke-kun, it read, I’m sorry about the mixup. Lee and I thought you were a burglar, so I had him next behind the door while I called you out. We thought about keeping you on the couch until you woke up, but don’t you think it’s a bit rude to break into someone’s apartment after going to the dark side for six years? Either way, I’m glad to see you again. We should go out for dinner sometime. Your friend, Sakura.
Sasuke crumpled the note and tossed it into the trash can. So Sakura was with Lee. Very well then. He’d just kill them both and--
“Whoa, calm down,” said Inner Sasuke. “You left the dark side, remember? Now think: who else can you seduce?”
Sasuke’s thoughts quickly turned to a certain blue-eyed, blond-haired former teammate of his.
“Right,” said Inner Sasuke. “Naruto’s almost as good of a bet as Sakura, and lightning can’t strike twice! Go for it, tiger!”
Growling to himself, Sasuke made his way across town to Naruto’s apartment. Before he knocked on Naruto’s door, though, Inner Sasuke made another good point.
“Naruto loves ramen” he said. “Why don’t you burst in through the window with cup ramen between your teeth? They only cost three yen.”
Sasuke ran to a convenience store and bought one cup ramen, pork-flavored. Then he climbed up Naruto’s apartment wall and looked in through the window. Fortunately, Naruto’s apartment was only on the second floor, so he didn’t hurt himself when he lost his grip from the shock.
“Naruto...” he mumbled. “Hinata... Kiba? Where did that one come from?”
Sasuke was hungry, so he opened up the cup ramen and ate it dry. Then he thought some more. Inner Sasuke’s voice started to take on a desperate tone.
“I’ve got it! That Ino chick! She was totally into me!”
He found Ino in a park, dragging a not-so-resistant Shikamaru into a public bathroom.
“Neji! We tall, dark and angsty types always go together!”
He found Neji elsewhere in the park, walking hand in hand with TenTen and talking about cheerful, non-angsty things.
“Well, fine then! Shino! Chouji! No way those two would have girlfriends by now!”
He found Shino and Chouji with two girls in an all-you-can-eat Korean barbeque, apparently on a double date. Mind completely shattered, he listened in.
“And the cool thing is,” Chouji said, indicating Shino, “if he concentrates really hard, he can make Paul McCartney crawl out of his face!”
“Ooh!” said the girls. Sasuke left.
“OK, then. There’s no one in your class unspoken for. That leaves the teachers. Kurenai first.”
He walked in on Kurenai and Asuma “polishing their kunai” and got a slap to the face for his trouble.
“Fine, that puts those two out of the running, and I know Kakashi likes girls, so that leaves...” Sasuke shuddered, inside and out. “That leaves Gai.”
After getting directions from a kindly old street prophet, Sasuke approached Gai’s house warily. He’d learned from his previous experiences not to go in through the window, and certainly not unannounced. While he was almost certain Gai, well, swung that way, a consideration which had not occurred to him before, he didn’t want to ruin his chances by startling the older man, especially as said older man could almost certainly kill him in an instant. Still, old habits are hard to break, so he snuck around the outside of the house and looked in through the window to find Gai watching a sappy romance movie with someone he didn’t recognize.
“OK, he’s got company” Inner Sasuke said. “But you really do need a place to stay tonight, and he’s a pretty nice guy. Maybe he’ll let you sleep on the couch, and tomorrow you can continue your quest. Go and knock on the door. He won’t turn you--holy shit!”
Gai had turned the head of his companion and kissed her thoroughly. The woman--no, wait, it was a man, and Inner Sasuke rejoiced that he’d been right--responded enthusiastically. Sasuke gagged. That could have been him on that couch.
“Still,” Inner Sasuke insisted, “You need to sleep tonight. Go and knock on the door. They’re not too far into it, so it won’t hurt too much to interrupt them.” Sasuke stood up to do as his inner voice had commanded, but stopped short when he noticed something he hadn’t before: a scar across the bridge of the other man’s nose.
Sasuke ran. “Iruka!” he babbled to himself. “He was making out with Iruka! No way! That’s like... that’s like watching your mother making out with her boyfriend! There’s no way I’m knocking on that door tonight!”
“But you need to--” Inner Sasuke interrupted.
“Put a sock in it!” Sasuke yelled aloud, drawing frightened stares from the people around him. “Where the hell has listening to you gotten me? I’m blind, I tell you! I’m never listening to you aga--”
“Yo,” said Kakashi, stopping Sasuke with a hand on his shoulder. He’d appeared out of nowhere, as was his wont. “Who’re you shouting at, Sasuke?”
“No one,” Sasuke said, scuffing the ground with his foot.
“I heard about your apartment,” Kakashi continued.
Sasuke looked up. His luck was finally turning around! Kakashi was going to offer him a place to stay without Sasuke having to seduce him!
“And I would offer you a place to stay in my apartment, but I like my space. I mean, I really, really like my space.” Kakashi smiled. “Oh, don’t make that face, Sasuke. I know of another place you could live in for a while, at least until you get back on your feet.”
Sasuke looked up again. Kakashi knew of a cheap apartment? Well, he didn’t have any money, so he’d have to take out a loan, but with his ninja skills he’d be able to pay it back in no time.
“There’s a cozy little bucket down by the river,” Kakashi said cheerfully. “Waterproof, near a supermarket, free water...”
Sasuke felt his heart crash to the ground. As much as he hated to do this to his old teacher, he had no choice. He slid one arm around the back of Kakashi’s neck and smiled seductively.
“Kakashi-sensei,” he said, “I’m sure I could... compensate you, if you let me stay at your place for a while.”
Kakashi stared him straight in the eye, and for one shining moment Sasuke thought he was going to take him up on his offer. Then Kakashi stepped out of the circle of his arm and pulled ‘Come Come Paradise out of his bag.
“Sorry, Sasuke,” he said. “If you’d offered that a few years ago, I might’ve taken you up on the offer. As it stands, though, you’re going to need this more than me.”
He handed Sasuke his book. Sasuke took it, stunned. “Kakashi?” he said. “Why’re you giving me this? Isn’t it your favorite?”
“Yeah,” Kakashi said, “but only because that was the closest I used to get to real sex with a real person. Now, though, put those techniques into practice almost daily. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Anko is waiting.”
Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Sasuke alone, contemplating his life. Where had it all gone wrong? A drop of water falling onto the pink cover of ‘Come Come Paradise’ broke him out of his reverie, and he looked up. Storm clouds had gathered while he’d been thinking, and as more drops started to fall, Sasuke knew that today just wasn’t his day. He ran towards the river and found the bucket Kakashi was talking about. It was indeed a nice little bucket, and when he got inside he found that it was waterproof. “Better than nothing,” Inner Sasuke said.
“Yeah,” Sasuke answered. He struck a match, brought out ‘Come Come Paradise,’ and began to read.
