Life, thought Hatake Kakashi as he leapt the space between two rooftops, is grand. The sun shone brightly--though that might give him sunburn, pale as he was--he didn’t have to teach today--though that was because Sasuke was still hospitalized--and the newest volume of Come Come Paradise had finally come out--though he hadn’t managed to get a hold of it yet. No matter what small setbacks occurred, though, life was grand.
He paused for a moment and checked the position of the sun. 12:45, or maybe even 1:00. Still plenty of time to enjoy his day. Something was nagging at him, though. He leaned into the shady side of a nearby chimney and tried to figure out what that was.
He’d already paid his respects, so it wasn’t that. The rent? Hmm, did that yesterday. Gotten his share of the payment from his latest mission? Yup, just came from there. So what was it... something at noon. Oh yes, he was supposed to meet Iruka in front of the shrine at noon. He nodded to no one and headed in the direction of the shrine, taking his sweet time about it. If Iruka wasn’t willing to wait, well then, his loss.
Soon enough, he was perched on a nearby building and looking down at the shrine. Iruka paced around in front of it, agitated. He waited for Iruka to notice him, and was a little peeved when he didn’t. That was exactly why he’d never even considered teaching at the Academy--not going on missions really dulled your ninja skills. He leapt down behind Iruka, who turned around suddenly and nearly bumped into him. Kakashi had to smirk at Iruka’s gasp of surprise.
“Miss me?” he said, smiling. Iruka frowned at him.
“You’re late,” he said. Kakashi smelled something on his breath. It took him a moment to place it: sake. He raised his eyebrows. Things just might get interesting, he thought.
“Have any more of that sake on you?” he asked, hoping that the distraction would calm Iruka down a little. The last thing he wanted was a scene. Iruka narrowed his eyes at him and crossed his arms.
“It wasn’t even enough for me, so you’re not getting any, especially since you’re late!” Kakashi winced. Looked like he wasn’t getting out of this one easily.
“Ah... I got lost on the path to glory?” he said sheepishly. A vein on Iruka’s forehead bulged.
“You know what Naruto tells me all the time nowadays?” he said, gesturing erratically. “Every single time I see him, he says ‘Kakashi-sensei was two hours late again today!’ Don’t you have any sense of obligation? Of duty to your fellow man?”
Kakashi stiffened. Of course he knew about duty! Didn’t he pay his respects to his friend every single morning? Had he let a single one of his comrades after that die? And who was someone with a cushy desk job to lecture him about duty when he risked his life every single day for the safety and prosperity of the village?
He thought about telling Iruka all that, but decided it wasn’t worth the trouble. Instead, he put his hands up in a calming gesture. “Now, now, it’s not that big a deal, is it?”
Iruka paused, then dropped his head in defeat. “I guess not. I did send my class home early, after all.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “It’s just been a difficult day, that’s all.” Iruka fell silent, and Kakashi figured it was the perfect time. He dug around in his pocket until he found what he was looking for, then approached Iruka and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“I bet I can cheer you up,” he said. He waited until Iruka looked up at him, then removed his hand from Iruka’s shoulder and tugged on his elbow. Perplexed, Iruka extended his hand. Kakashi pressed the object into Iruka’s upturned palm. Iruka blinked.
“You... you really--”
“Of course,” Kakashi said. Iruka slowly smiled. Kakashi smiled too, happy he’d gotten it over with. No sense in drawing it out, after all. He started to release Iruka’s hand, but a sudden explosion and loud cheer stopped him. As one, he and Iruka whipped their heads toward the source of the noise and froze.
The entire population of Leaf Village stood in the square in front of them, cheering. Confetti and rice rained down on them, sticking to their hair and clothes. Someone set off another small firework from a rooftop, the source of the explosive noise earlier. The crowd roared. Kakashi blinked. What the hell?
Naruto pushed his way through to the front of the crowd and ran towards them. Upon reaching them, Naruto threw his arms around Iruka’s waist and grinned up at him. “Hey, hey, Iruka-sensei,” he said, “I thought about it for a bit, and I guess it’s not too bad; I mean, you’re happy, right? But we can still go out for ramen sometimes after this, right? I mean, after you get settled in and all.” Iruka made an attempt at speech that didn’t quite work. Naruto hugged him once more, released him, turned to Kakashi, raised his fist, and said, “You’d better not hurt him, Kakashi-sensei, or you’ll have to deal with me, the greatest ninja Leaf Village has ever known, Uzumaki Naruto!” The boy then melted back into the crowd, making way for more well-wishers.
Kakashi sighed as an all-too-familiar green-clad figure shouted to make way for him. Once at the front of the crowd, Gai struck a pose and smiled, sunlight reflecting off his perfect teeth. Kakashi’s eyes narrowed. He hated that glint. Gai’s student, Lee, hobbled up behind him on crutches.
“Kakashi!” Gai said dramatically. “You scoundrel! If you had left this poor man waiting here another minute, I would have stolen him away from you and made the score 51 to 49!” He laughed heartily.
“Yes!” shouted Lee, raising a crutch in the air. “Gai-sensei’s the greatest!”
“But,” Gai continued, flashing a brilliant smile at his student, “you and he are clearly so happy now, I will never entertain such a notion again. Consider yourself lucky, Kakashi, that our rivalry will not extend to this!” He laughed again, then turned to face Lee. “Now, Lee, let us go help Neji and Tenten with the tables!”
“Yes!” Lee said, and the two made their way back through the crowd. Kakashi suddenly realized he still had Iruka’s hand in his own and dropped it. Iruka didn’t even notice, watching the crowd with a slack jaw.
The crowd quieted suddenly, then parted to reveal the Hokage standing at the opposite end of the square. He walked through the crowd slowly, tugged along by a tiny spiky-haired brat at his side. Kakashi knew he should be paying his respects to the foremost ninja of the village, but this new development had sent his fledgling thought processes spiraling into nonexistence again. The Hokage stopped in front of Kakashi and Iruka and looked them both in the eye. Then the brat pointed at them excitedly and yelled, “See, Grandpa, see, I told you!”
“Yes, Konohamaru, I heard you,” the Hokage said. He turned to face the crowd. “People of Leaf Village,” he said, his voice commanding enormous attention and respect, “we have gathered here today to celebrate a joyous occasion, the union of two of our friends.” A cold feeling grew in the pit of Kakashi’s stomach. The Hokage’s speech sounded exactly like the ones he used to start--
“And now,” said the Hokage, raising his hand, “let the reception begin!”
The crowd roared again. More confetti rained down. And, as Kakashi watched in horror, two new jounin unraveled a banner on one of the buildings opposite the shrine, a banner which read, in 4-meter-high letters, “Happy KakaIru Wedding.”
“Suddenly,” said Iruka, “everything makes sense.”
Kakashi had to agree. He didn’t know who had set this up, or why, but that person was dead as soon as he found out. He entertained a brief fantasy of carving out their heart with a spoon and feeding it to them, bite by bite.
On second thought... no. He’d never find a spoon sharp enough, and he wasn’t about to put his favorite whetstone to such a use. He leaned over to Iruka and whispered, “Shall we elope?”
Iruka scowled at him. “Don’t call it that. But yes, let’s.”
“On my mark, then.” Iruka nodded his agreement, and they fended off friendly people until another barrage of fireworks went off and the crowd turned its attention to it. Then Kakashi lightly tapped Iruka’s shoulder and they leapt onto the roof of the shrine and dashed madly away. When he’d put significant distance between himself and the party, Kakashi stopped and waited for Iruka to catch up, which he did, some moments later and out of breath.
“So,” Kakashi said, “do you still have it?” Iruka checked his pockets and quickly found the item in question.
“Yeah, got it right here,” Iruka said. Kakashi nodded. He was done here, then.
“OK, then. See you later,” he said, then bounded off, mulling over the day’s events.
So. Apparently the entire village thought he and Iruka were romantically involved. He could deal with that. What bothered him was that they weren’t. And since women seemed to think gay couples were a rare breed, and a cute one at that... He stopped on top of a chimney and glowered into the distance as the logical conclusion to that thought struck him.
He would never get laid again.
After a moment, he stretched and yawned. There were other places besides Leaf Village. He’d just have to be discreet. Of course, Sakura would notice something, but she was a big girl, right? She could deal with it.
He rolled his eyes. As if it was her choice to make.
“Hey!” At the sound of someone’s irate voice, Kakashi turned around. Iruka was rushing towards him at top speed, looking for all the world like a raging bull demon. Kakashi wondered whether it would be worth it to run.
“Get back here, Kakashi!” Iruka yelled, seemingly having forgotten his generous offer the day before. “This isn’t even half of what you owe me!”
Kakashi’s eyes widened. Yes, yes, running was a good idea. He back flipped off the chimney and ran across the roof as quickly as he could, leaping to the next when necessary. A kunai whizzed past his ear. Damn. Looked like Iruka was an angry drunk. Kakashi sped up, forming hand seals as quickly as possible. They culminated in the creation of a shadow clone that continued to leap from roof to roof. He himself dropped down to land on a windowsill and watched as Iruka bypassed him completely, still in hot pursuit of the clone.
Once Iruka’s irritated sounds faded into silence, Kakashi hopped back up onto the roof and wondered how he could make this mess go away. He doubted anyone would listen to him if he told them the truth--”protesting too much,” and all that. So, that left hiding out until the fuss died down. He glanced toward the stone faces of the Hokages and had an idea. It had been a long time since he’d been rock climbing. Too long, in fact. It would be in his best interests to spend a few days doing just that. He headed toward the monument as quickly as he could, only pausing to reflect on one thing:
If borrowing money from Iruka was always this complicated, Kakashi would never do it again.
