Chapter 13: "I Don't Believe I'm Seeing This."

“I don’t believe I’m seeing this,” Kakashi said as he beheld his straining, swearing student giving birth on a hospital bed.

“You don’t believe it!” Naruto shouted at him, before crying out again. At his side, Iruka gripped his hand tightly and glared at Kakashi.

“And you’re late because?” he gritted out.

“Well, I was walking through the temple, you know, and there was a pretty girl crying in a coffin, so I couldn’t just leave her lying there, could I?” He coughed as Iruka’s glare intensified. “And I went and got Sakura and Sasuke. They’re in the hall.”

Iruka smiled weakly. “Great. Thanks. Hokage-sama should be here in a minute, so take a seat.”

“Hah!” Naruto wheezed, relaxing his body from the tensed curl it had been in. Looked like the latest contraction was over. Kakashi pulled a chair over to his student and sat down. He reached discreetly into his pack, searching for the one thing that would make this labor bearable...

“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto and Iruka yelled in unison. “Don’t read pervy books while a woman’s in labor!”

“OK, OK,” he said, folding his hands in his lap. “You don’t need to be so pushy.”

“How is he?” said Tsunade as she shoved the door open with her foot, pulling on a pair of elbow-length latex gloves. Naruto blanched at the sight, and Iruka squeezed his hand reassuringly. Kakashi stood at attention.

“He’s doing fine, Hokage-sama,” Iruka reported.

“No I’m not, Iruka-sensei!” Naruto said. “It hurts! Tsunade-baba, make it stop!”

Tsunade strode to the foot of the bed, kneeled down, and started doing... whatever doctors did down there. Kakashi didn’t want to know. He coughed, and Tsunade looked at him.

“Yes?”

“Ah, Hokage-sama,” he said, “I was just wondering: why am I here?”

Iruka shot him a glance. “You’re here to support your student in his time of need!” he said. “Don’t you care about Naruto at all?”

“Actually, Iruka,” Tsunade interrupted, “that’s only part of the reason.” She looked at Kakashi seriously. “You’re here as backup. If something goes wrong, you are to warn the village as quickly as you can, form a defense team, and find that no-good Jiraiya. He’s the only other person here powerful enough to stop it if it gets out of control.”

Kakashi watched Iruka go ghostly pale out of the corner of his eye. “Wait, Hokage-sama,” he said. “By ‘it’ you mean... ‘IT,’ right?” Tsunade nodded. “Holy fucking shit,” he said.

“Hey, hey, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto grinned, “you can’t tell me to watch my mouth anymo-ORE--” Naruto curled up again as he started another contraction, and Tsunade got to work. Kakashi sat down again. He kept one eye on the scene by the bed, his hand sneaking back down to his pouch...

“Kakashi, pay attention!” Tsunade snapped above the various squishing sounds coming from her end of the bed. Kakashi retrieved his hand, suddenly losing interest in his porn. He sighed and settled himself down to watch something straight off the Lifetime Channel.

Five minutes later, Kakashi seriously considered taking a nap. As far as he could tell, all that was happening was a lot of grunting, and he wasn’t the kind of guy to take pictures of his student sweating and screaming, not even for future blackmail. Only the irritated glances and occasional senbon Iruka threw at him every time he nodded off kept him awake.

Time passed. Naruto contracted and relaxed, contracted and relaxed. Tsunade worked, Iruka coached. Kakashi watched, bored out of his mind. He thanked the gods when he heard a knock at the door. Before any of the other people in the room could tell him to do so, he leapt to his feet and answered the door. Kotetsu was standing on the other side.

“Ah, Hokage-sama?” he asked.

“Yes?” she answered, deeply involved in some delicate procedure that involved having most of her arm up Naruto’s... Kakashi refused to consider the matter further. God, he hated this.

“It’s the Sand Village emissaries... they’re getting impatient.”

“I told you, tell them I’m busy and keep them entertained,” she snapped, doing something inside Naruto’s body that made the boy in question grit his teeth and moan.

“I’ve been doing that, Hokage-sama,” Kotetsu replied, his voice a little squeaky. “But, you see, that sand kid is with them, and he’s... getting impatient.” He indicated his neck. Kakashi looked at it. His eyes widened.

“Hokage-sama,” he said, “I think you’d better see this.” He moved out of the way so she could. She looked up from her work and swore under her breath.

Around Kotetsu’s neck was a thin noose of sand, which constricted periodically according to Gaara’s whims, Kakashi guessed. Tsunade removed her hands from Naruto’s... yeah, stood up and stripped the gloves off.

“Tsunade-baba?” Naruto asked, sounding like he was about to cry.

“Don’t worry, Naruto,” she said. “I’ll be right back.” She leaned over and touched Naruto on the forehead. The boy’s eyes rolled back, and he fell unconscious. “He shouldn’t have any more contractions for a bit,” she instructed Kakashi and Iruka, “but if he does, find Shizune and have her take over. She’s my student; she can delay the birth until I can get out of this.” With that, she tossed the gloves in the trash and strode out to the door.

Kakashi looked at Iruka. “Can I read my book now?”