Chapter 3: Unf

“Naruto,” Sakura admonished, “you’re going to make yourself sick again if you eat that.”

Sakura was again seated between Naruto and Sasuke. This time, however, they were sitting at a table in one of Konoha Village’s few indoor restaurants with the other Chuunin in their graduating class. Their teachers had insisted they eat lunch together today. Kakashi had eyed Sasuke as he’d explained that it was meant to form a stronger bond between them. He’d called it a training exercise. Sakura called it fun.

The table, though near a wall in the back of the restaurant, was nevertheless well-lit and airy, a function of the enormous windows which took up nearly one whole wall. In addition, Inner Sakura was asleep, leaving her feeling light and happy, and she was surrounded by people she genuinely liked, a luxury she’d had to do without on countless missions. Her one regret was that, with Naruto to her left and Sasuke to her right, she couldn’t properly gossip with Ino--and Hinata too, maybe, but she was still so shy. Ino was slowly forcing her out of her shell, though, laughing and joking with her as they sat next to each other on the opposite side of the table.

Sakura smiled as Hinata giggled. You couldn’t be shy with Ino. She knew that better than anyone.

“Yeah,” came Chouji’s voice from Naruto’s left, breaking Sakura out of her thoughts, “even I couldn’t handle fried chicken, spinach and banana ramen.”

“And should you really have gotten a double serving?” Ino said, momentarily pausing in her conversation with Hinata. “I mean, you’re starting to get a bit of a belly there, Naruto.”

“Shuh uf,” Naruto said, mouth full of noodles. He chewed, swallowed, and continued. “I’m really, really hungry--”

“When are you not?” Sasuke said to himself, so quietly that only Sakura and perhaps Shino could hear him. She risked a glance. Sasuke had been acting weird ever since that day in the field, fighting and arguing with Naruto on an even more frequent basis. Every little thing Naruto did seemed to piss Sasuke off. She’d hoped they wouldn’t pick on each other at all during lunch, but if they only did so under their breath, that was all she could really ask for. Beside him, Shino was silent and unreadable, an island of uneasy peace in the sea of noise.

“--and this is what I feel like eating, OK?” Naruto paused, then pushed his chair back and looked down. “Am I really getting fat, though?”

“Yup,” Shikamaru drawled. He looked down at the small furry thing he was currently defending his food from, then raised his eyebrows at Kiba. “Hey, get your dog off the table, would you? Some of us don’t eat at the speed of light.”

Kiba slurped up the last of his udon and whistled. The puppy--Kuromaru, one of Akamaru’s youngest--perked her ears, then trotted daintily across the table and into her owner’s arms. He stuffed her into the front of his jacket, as he had with Akamaru when he’d been a puppy. Sakura sighed in relief when he did so. Maybe his family didn’t mind dog hair in their food, but she most certainly did.

Naruto, in the meantime, had his hands on his hips, frowning. “This is so weird,” he said. “First I can’t keep anything down for weeks, and now...” He shook his head and went back to his ramen.

“It--It doesn’t show that much, Naruto-kun,” Hinata said quietly, but Sakura doubted Naruto heard her over the sound of his own chewing.

“So, Naruto,” said Kiba once he’d finished cuddling with Kuromaru, “how long have you been a girl for now? Two months?” He grinned, and Sakura rolled her eyes. She did not need stupid boys baiting each other during meals. “Should we start calling you ‘Naruko’ now?”

Naruto froze, then shot up out of his chair and pointed at Kiba.

“You do,” he shouted, “and I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll have to walk on your hands for a year! I am the man who will become Hokage, you hear me? The man!”

Sakura heard Sasuke draw in a breath to speak and gripped his forearm firmly. “Sasuke, don’t,” she hissed, then turned her attention back to Naruto when she felt him relax. Naruto had his foot up on the table, oblivious to the disapproving glances of the restaurant’s other patrons. His long hair dipped into his ramen, but he didn’t notice, so absorbed was he in his anger.

“See?” he said, gesturing to his leg, “I’m wearing pants!” His chair, which had teetered on its back legs during Naruto’s speech, finally toppled over. Naruto paid it no heed. “This is not my fault, so you’d better just shut up about me being a girl--”

“I think you should be the one to shut up, idiot,” Sasuke interrupted, standing slowly. Naruto glared at Sasuke, transferring his rage over to him. Sakura buried her face in her hands and mentally sent out thousands of apology notes to everyone in the restaurant.

“What the hell is with you, Sasuke?” he yelled. “Every time I turn around, you’re doing something to piss me off!”

“Must be PMS,” Sasuke retorted. Sakura glanced at his face and felt Inner Sakura start to stir. He was enjoying this!

“It is not! I haven’t even had one of... one of those things! If anyone has PMS, it’s you!”

Sasuke’s eyes flashed. Sakura cringed. That look meant the argument was about to come to blows.

“C’mon, Sasuke, let’s settle this right now!” Naruto continued. “I’ll show you how much of a man I am!”

“Not in here, moron,” Sasuke said, grabbing Naruto’s wrist and dragging him out of the restaurant at lightning speed.

For exactly six seconds, there was dead silence in the restaurant. Then, as if a faucet had been turned on, conversation started again, mostly hushed whispers and glances directed at their table. Sakura raised her eyes and found Ino gazing at her with something like pity.

“I am so sorry,” Ino said. Sakura nodded.

“I can’t believe them sometimes. I mean, seriously. And you,” Sakura said, rounding on Kiba, “why’d you do that? You know how Naruto is!”

“It was supposed to be a joke,” Kiba explained. “I didn’t think he’d take it seriously.” The table was silent for a moment.

“Well,” said Ino, attempting to recapture the jovial mood from before the fight, “I guess I beat you in that area, Sakura. ’Macho’ is not a problem we have here on Team 10. Right, guys?”

“Right,” Shikamaru and Chouji agreed.

“See? Got them well-trained,” Ino continued, pleased with herself. Her two teammates looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Sakura smiled, glad she’d managed, not to salvage her old friendship with Ino, but to form a new and better one.

“Got any tips?” she asked. “God knows those two--” she gestured to the wall they were seated next to, on the other side of which was an alley where she assumed Naruto and Sasuke would have their little spat, “--could use some discipline.”

Ino looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, if you want, I could tell you. But with boys as badly-behaved as those two, you might want to start with the less advanced stuff,” she said, indicating Kiba, who was cooing to Kuromaru to calm her down.

“I can use all the help I can get,” Sakura admitted.

“OK, then,” Ino said brightly. “Shikamaru, switch places with Sakura, would you? We have some girl talk to do. And Hinata, don’t think you’re getting away from this: every girl should know how to train men. It’s a basic skill.”

Sakura and Shikamaru stood and switched places.

“This is such a pain,” Shikamaru said as he righted Naruto’s former chair and sat down.

“Hey, you think Naruto’s gonna eat all that?” Chouji asked, indicating Naruto’s half-full bowl of ramen. Shikamaru eyed it warily.

“If you wanna try it, be my guest,” he said, pushing the bowl towards Chouji. “I wouldn’t. Hey, pass me my fried rice, OK?”

As the requisite transfer of food was made, Sakura set her salad down and took a seat. She leaned in towards Ino. “So?” she said in a conspiratorial voice.

“OK,” Ino said, leaning in towards Sakura and drawing Hinata down with her. “Lesson One: You’re the Boss. Most guys will roll over and play dead if you make it clear you’re in charge.” She looked up and noticed that the males at the table were silently listening in. “Observe,” she said in her quiet voice, then raised it and addressed the table.

“Hey, you,” she said, “stop eavesdropping. Talk about guy stuff.”

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow incredulously. “’Guy stuff?’”

“Yeah,” Ino replied, “Like sports or special jutsus or somethi--”

“Shut up,” Kiba growled, his ear to the wall.

“Excuse me?” Ino asked, insulted.

“No, I mean, I heard something. Listen.”

The entire table leaned toward the wall and listened. From the other side came a thump, and then another. Soon the thumps were coming in rhythm, and voices began to float through as well. Sakura’s eyes widened as she heard the words.

“Na-ru-to--”

“C’mon, Sasuke, can’t you do it any harder than that?”

“I’ll show you hard!”

There was a particularly loud thump followed by a short wail from Naruto. Shikamaru raised his hand to signal their waiter, who was with another table on the other side of the restaurant.

“How’d you like that, huh?”

“Unf!”

Sasuke gave a short yelp, and the thumping stopped. All was silent for a moment.

“Heh. Thought you’d never get me off, idiot.”

Sakura shook herself out of her thoughts. So Naruto and Sasuke were... and they were... in public? She and Ino looked at each other, eyes wide.

“Did you know about this?” Ino asked.

Sakura shook her head. “No, not at all. I mean, they always seemed to be a little too obsessed with each other, but I never thought...”

“Well, it’s a good thing I moved on, I guess,” said Ino, waving in Shikamaru’s general direction.

Abruptly, Hinata stood up, tears in her eyes. She stared at the wall for a moment, then fled the restaurant at top speed.

“Oh, no,” Sakura said. “She doesn’t still have a crush on Naruto, does she?”

“Those assholes,” Kiba snarled, standing. “I’ll--” Abruptly, he stopped, wincing as if kicked. “What?” he asked, casting a curious glance at Shino.

Shino looked at Kiba, who cocked his head to the side. He raised an eyebrow. Kiba made a confused noise in the back of his throat. Shino gestured towards the door of the restaurant and muttered, “Hinata.”

Kiba looked at him for a second longer, then punched his palm as he understood. “Great idea!” he said happily, already on his way out. “Thanks, man!” He exited the restaurant and dropped Kuromaru to the ground, whispering instructions. She sniffed the air for a moment, then took off down the street, Kiba on her heels.

Once Kiba was out of sight, Sakura was able to breathe and think again. Whatever happened to “bonding?” Well, she imagined Sasuke and Naruto had “bonded” quite well, and hopefully Kiba and Hinata would soon as well. She smiled and gave Shino a thumbs-up. Surprisingly, he returned it. “Must be in a good mood,” Sakura murmured to herself.

“Hey Shikamaru,” Ino said playfully, “how come you never run after me when I’m in a bad mood?”

Shikamaru sighed. “You can take care of yourself,” he said. “And,” he continued in a quieter tone that Sakura assumed was meant for Chouji’s ears alone, “the way I help you feel better is by being your punching bag.”

“I heard that!” Ino cried, flinging a piece of orange chicken at him. It hit him square on the chin, slid down, and fell onto his plate. He raised an eyebrow at her, then calmly flung it right back.

“Hey, don’t waste good food, you guys!” Chouji said, attempting to snatch the morsel out of the air.

“Can I help you?” came a voice from behind Sakura. She turned around. It was the waiter, looking as bedraggled as she felt.

Sakura felt a stray pea lodge in her hair and grimaced. “Check please.”