“Tsunade!” Jiraiya yelled, pounding on the door. “Oh, Princess Tsunaaaaaadeeeeeeeee!”
“What the hell?” Tsunade mumbled as she answered the door.
“Hi!” Jiraiya said cheerfully. Tsunade blinked a few times, then narrowed her eyes as she focused on him.
“Jiraiya,” she growled. “You do know it’s four thirty in the morning, right?”
“It is?” Jiraiya scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Huh. Must’ve lost track of time. But I need you to do something for me.”
“You’re really drunk, aren’t you?”
“...yeah. So, you gonna invite me in or what?”
Tsunade sighed and opened the door wider. “OK. But just this once. You do this again, you’re the cream in my coffee in the morning, got it?”
“Ooh, is that an offer?” Jiraiya leered. Tsunade growled once again. Fortunately for Jiraiya, he got the hint and quickly entered Tsunade’s house. She flicked on the lights.
“Ow! Warn me next time, Tsunade! I’m blind, I tell you!”
“Serves you right,” Tsunade said, sitting down on her kitchen table. “So, what exactly did you want from me at the buttcrack of dawn?”
Jiraiya grinned. Then he dropped his pants. Tsunade stared at him, nonplussed. “Look Jiraiya,” she said, “I know you’re drunk, but I thought we’d agreed that there is no way I will ever, in this life or any other, have sex with you.”
“Not that,” Jiraiya said, still grinning. “Could you pierce it for me?”
“...what?”
“You know, pierce it!”
“But didn’t you call it your ‘precious person’ just the other day?”
“Yeah, so I wanna decorate it! Plus, I heard it’s really in with the ladies, if you know what I mean.”
“You know it’ll hurt like hell, right?”
“Don’t worry, you can heal it later...”
Tsunade sighed. “Fine, fine. Let me go get the stuff.”
As soon as Tsunade left the room, Jiraiya stretched out on the floor, pants-less and proud. This was the night that would change his life, he just knew it.
Soon enough, Tsunade came back with a bundle of stuff, none of which Jiraiya could identify from the floor. She set it on the floor beside him. “OK,” she said, “I’ve got the ring for after it’s all over, the rubbing alcohol--”
“Waitaminute,” Jiraiya said, sitting up. “Rubbing alcohol?”
Tsunade eyed him, exasperated. “Well, you don’t want it to get infected, do you?”
Jiraiya contemplated that for exactly one second. “Nuh-uh.”
“Well, then. Got the rubbing alcohol. And...” her eyes took on a maniacal gleam. “I’ve got the needle.”
“The... needle?” Jiraiya asked.
“Yes, Jiraiya,” she said, pulling it out. “The needle.”
Jiraiya gulped. The thing had to be thicker around than a kunai. He crabwalked away from Tsunade, only to have his escape plans foiled when she grabbed his ‘precious person’ with a firm grip.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “it’ll only hurt for a few months.”
The hand holding the needle stabbed the floor mere millimeters from the center of his being. And then, Jiraiya fainted.
A few months later, the nightmares finally stopped. Jiraiya awoke from the last of them covered in sweat and shaking. He grabbed at his crotch and sighed in relief when he found it thankfully whole.
“Man,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes, “remind me never to piss her off again.”
