The next morning, Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Luffy were seated around a small rectangular table, upon which a map was spread out. Nami was carefully marking out their route with pins, figuring that as long as they had nothing else to do, she’d teach the rest of the crew basic navigation skills, so they wouldn’t get hopelessly lost the instant she took her eyes off them. It wasn’t working too well, though: Zoro wasn’t paying attention, instead staring into his drink, and Luffy... was Luffy.
He was hanging off her. Literally. His arms were wrapped around her neck, and had she been standing she was sure he’d be trying for a piggyback ride. Normally she would have used violence to convey her dislike of his actions to him. Today, however, she simply endured it. She wasn’t feeling like herself. Come to think of it, Luffy wasn’t acting like himself. And Zoro, while he never really paid attention to what she said anyway, was usually either sleeping or drinking, not brooding. In fact, the only one who was acting anything at all like himself was--
Scratch that. Sanji, as aggressively affectionate as he was, would never try to grope her under the table.
“Sanji-kun,” she said. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Copping a feel, of course,” Sanji grinned.
Nami rose from her seat and moved around to the other side of the table, dragging Luffy with her. Again, she was avoiding instead of confronting. Something was definitely off. Maybe it was food poisoning?
“Either way,” she said, “once we see this monument here, we’re going to turn twelve degrees to--Sanji-kun!”
“What?” he said, rubbing his foot against her inner calf.
“I don’t believe you today,” Nami said, standing and leaning over the map to continue her instruction. Luffy hopped up and wrapped his legs around her torso, overbalancing her and making her lean down a little more than she’d intended.
“Hey Nami-san, guess what I’m looking at right--”
“Good morning,” Usopp said, walking down the stairs. Nami felt her heart stop for a moment. Why had she never noticed Usopp before? That long nose, that thick hair, those full lips... Luffy detached himself from her and glomped onto Usopp.
“Hey,” said Usopp cooly. Luffy nuzzled his neck and smiled.
“Hey yourself,” Sanji said, gliding over to Usopp with his “I’m so suave” walk. “Want me to fix you a... ‘tasty’ breakfast?”
Nami blinked, forcing herself to look away from the hypnotizing glint of Usopp’s buttons. Sanji, hitting on a guy? And where were these feelings coming from? There was definitely something wrong here. She slowly backed away from the table and made her way to the bartender’s room.
“Bartender!” she called, banging on the door. “Open up! I wanna ask you something.”
A minute later, the door creaked open and the bleary-eyed bartender peered out. “Yes, Miss, anything I can do for you? Does Mr. Swordsman want another drink?”
“Actually,” Nami said, “I’d like to know what exactly you put in those drinks. Everyone’s acting weird this morning, and the only thing I can come up with is that we all drank at your bar last night.”
The bartender started sweating profusely. “Well, that’s, um, that’s--”
“A trade secret?” Nami asked. The bartender nodded, relieved. Nami reached under her skirt and whipped out her bo, nudging the bartender’s jaw with it and smiling menacingly. “I think not. Tell me, or the only trading you’ll be doing is--”
“All right, all right, all right!” cried the bartender. “P-Please follow me, Miss.”
Nami followed the bartender to the bar, then around it to the back room. He opened a tiny, creaky window, letting some light into the room. The room was sparse; what few shelves there were were almost bare. The bartender brought a short stool out from the corner and used it to reach up to the highest shelf in the room. After a few moments of stretching and cursing, he heaved a large basket of fruit down from the shelf and set it heavily on the floor.
Nami peered inside. About half of it was filled with fruits that looked almost like peaches, but not quite. The other half was filled with fruits that looked almost like very small bananas, but not quite. Nami looked at the bartender. “This is what you gave us?” she asked.
“Ah, yes,” said the bartender. “When I offered you peach and banana drinks, I didn’t realize that I’d sold my last few to a ship that docked here a few days ago. And I didn’t want to keep my honored customers waiting--”
“You mean you didn’t want to risk Zoro destroying your bar,” Nami corrected.
“Um. Yes. Either way, I didn’t know what to do, so I... I panicked. I’m very sorry, Miss.” The bartender hung his head in shame. Nami sighed.
“So? What are they?” she asked.
The bartender startled. “Well, we sometimes find them floating in the sea. I started keeping a collection of them, for emergencies, you know,” he said. At Nami’s irritated look, he picked up one of the peach-looking fruits. “Well, th-they’re two different kinds of Devil Fruit. This one is called--”
“Wait, did you just say you gave us Devil Fruit Drinks?”
Nami leapt to her feet, brandishing her bo. The bartender cowered into a ball. “Please don’t hurt me, Miss!” he cried. “I--I have twelve grandchildren! How can I read them stories if my jaw is broken?”
After a few tense moments, Nami loosened her white-knuckled grip on her bo and sat back down. “OK, old man,” she said, “I’ll let you go. This time. But believe me when I say you’re going to make it up to me. Now, what were you going to tell me?”
Trembling, the bartender picked up the fruit he’d dropped in his fear. “N-Now,” he said, “This one is called the Uke-Uke Fruit. From what I’ve seen, it... um, it...”
”It... what?” Nami asked.
“It increases the sexual drive of whoever eats it by about double, but it also makes them want to be... ah, ‘on the bottom,’ if you know what I mean.” The old man cringed again, covering his face with his hands.
Nami’s head spun. She’d had that one! And so had everyone else. Everyone except for... “And the other kind of fruit?” she asked, dreading the answer.
“This?” said the bartender, holding up one of the banana-looking fruits. “This is a Seme-Seme Fruit. It does the same thing, except it makes whoever eats it want to be ‘on top.’ And a person who’s had the Uke-Uke Fruit will almost invariably be attracted to someone who’s had the Seme-Seme Fruit, and occasionally other people who’ve had the Uke-Uke Fruit, though how they go about showing their attraction depends on the individual.”
“Crap,” Nami muttered. “Is there any way to undo the effects?”
“Not that I know of, Miss.”
Nami narrowed her eyes and stood up. The bartender put his hands up over his face, but Nami didn’t hit him. Instead, she made her way to the shelf that held the (woefully small) stash of alcohol and grabbed one bottle after another, holding them against her body with her left arm. The bartender squawked and ran up behind her.
“Miss? Miss, what are you doing?” he asked, wringing his hands. Nami looked at him and smiled.
“Those Devil Fruit could very well screw up my crew for life,” she said. “I’m just compensating myself a little.”
“You mean, pacifying the swordsman?”
“No, these are for me. Zoro can find his own drinks.”
With that, Nami turned her back on the bartender and, stepping over the basket of fruit, walked to the door. Before she could nudge it open and exit, though, the bartender spoke again.
“Miss,” he said in a hushed, guilty tone, “there’s something else you should know.”
Nami turned around slowly. “What?”
“Your friend, the one who ordered the banana drink... I didn’t think one Seme-Seme Fruit would be enough, so I put in more than one.”
Nami clutched the alcohol tighter. “How many?”
“Ah... four, or maybe five.” The bartender glanced at the basket. “No, looks like six.”
Nami smiled without any warmth or amusement. “Anything else you want to tell me?”
The bartender took a deep breath. “Your friend, the swordsman?”
“Yes?”
“He drank all night long.”
Nami stared at him for a moment longer, then exited the room. “I’ll be back for the rest of this stuff later,” she said. The bartender whimpered.
After depositing the alcohol in her room, Nami sat down on the bed and thought. On the one hand, the rest of the crew were her friends; she should tell them about the effects before any of them did something they’d regret. On the other hand... well, there wasn’t really another hand, was there? She couldn’t not tell them something this important and still consider herself their friend. That thought in mind, she exited her room and went downstairs to find the others almost exactly as she’d left them: Zoro was still brooding, and Luffy and Sanji were still hanging off of Usopp. The only difference was that Usopp appeared to be enjoying himself, playing along with Sanji, occasionally giving Luffy a pat on the head to encourage him. The effects of the Seme-Seme Fruit seemed to be in full swing.
“Oh, hey, Nami,” Usopp said upon noticing her. “Am I not the pimp?”
“Yeah, sure, Usopp,” Nami said. “Now, could you and your fanclub sit down for a minute? I have something I have to tell you guys.”
Usopp and Sanji sat down; Luffy continued to hang off of Usopp. Sanji patted his lap. “Would you care to sit down, Nami-san?”
“Or you could sit here,” Usopp said, waggling his eyebrows and indicating his own lap. For exactly one second, Nami was insanely tempted. Then she remembered why she was feeling that way and shook her head. At least Zoro and Luffy weren’t hitting on her.
“No thanks,” she said. She told them everything she’d learned from the bartender.
“So,” she concluded, “I think we should all avoid each other as much as possible until this wears off. If it doesn’t, we’ll have to deal with it, but I’m hoping we can do something to get rid of the curse.” Her eyes narrowed as she noticed that the others weren’t paying attention. Zoro was now staring off into space, while Luffy was still nuzzling Usopp’s neck. And Sanji...
“You can be my seme anytime,” Sanji cooed into Usopp’s ear. Usopp smirked.
“No thanks,” he said. “You’re probably diseased.” At Sanji’s offended stare, Usopp laughed hysterically. “It was just a joke, Sanji! But seriously, you’re not my type.” He leered at Nami, who threw her hands up in the air.
“I give up!“ she yelled. “You guys can go screw yourselves for all I care!” She stomped upstairs and slammed her door before flopping down on the bed. Stupid men. After a few minutes of sulking, she heard a knock at the door.
“What?” she called, really not in the mood for company. The door opened anyway, though, and Luffy walked in, cheerful as always.
“Hey, Nami, are you sad?” he asked, approaching the bed. Nami sighed.
“Just a little,” she said. Luffy frowned, then smiled. He threw both of his arms back.
“GOMU GOMU NO--”
“Ack! Luffy, what are you doing?” Nami shrieked as Luffy’s arms shot towards her.
“BEARHUG!” Luffy shouted out. His arms wrapped around Nami, then rebounded. Nami was catapulted forward into her captain, knocking them both to the ground, where they landed on their sides.
“Luffy, Luffy let me go,” she said, but Luffy only hugged her tighter. After a moment, she relaxed and twisted around in his arms so she could return the hug. She didn’t care about the Devil Fruit or its possible effects; right then she was just a friend giving a hug to another friend.
Well, maybe she did want to take things farther, just a little, but she ignored that part of her mind.
Luffy eventually released her and smiled again. “Don’t be sad, Nami,” he said, getting to his feet. He waved, then left the room, shutting the door behind him.
Nami sighed and rolled over onto her back, feeling much better. Stupid as he was, she thought, Luffy was a good friend. And cute. And--she stopped her thoughts right there and got to her feet, rummaging through her pack for her cartography supplies. She hadn’t mapped this island yet, and the distraction would help her ignore the effects of the Uke-Uke Fruit.
For now.
