THIS LAND HAS MANY HEROES AND WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED THREE MORE.
MEN WHO STOOD UP TO BE COUNTED, WHEN THEIR EFFORTS WERE COUNTED FOR.
MAY THEIR COURAGE BE REWARDED, MAY THEY GET WHAT THEY DESERVE
THOSE HEROES OF DISTINCTION, NAMELY MAX AND KEN AND MERV.

NOW THESE WERE JUST YOUR NORMAL BLOKES, WHO LIVED THEIR NORMAL LIVES
BUT MERV HATED LINE DANCERS, THOSE BOOT SCOOTERS GAVE HIM HIVES.
THE SIGHT OF SCOOTERS SCOOTING, WOULD DRIVE OLD MERV TO FITS,
THOSE WOOSIE PRANCING FOOLS HE'D SAY, WOULD GIVE A MAN - A BAD HEADACHE

WELL THE TAMWORTH COUNTRY MUSIC FESTIVAL WAS IN FULL SWING,
AND MAX AND KEN AND MERV WERE THERE TO CHECK OUT EVERY THING,
THEY CAME UPON A SIGHT THAT MADE THE TRIO STOP AND STARE -
LINE DANCERS IN THEIR THOUSANDS HAD ARRIVED FROM EVERYWHERE!

THEY WERE YOUNG AND OLD FROM NEAR AND FAR AND SOME FROM OVERSEAS.
THE BIG AND SMALL, FAT AND BALD, THEY SCOOTED ROUND WITH EASE,
THEY WERE GOING FOR THE RECORD, TO CREATE THE BIGGEST LINE
AND IF THEY COULD RECRUIT A FEW MORE DANCERS THEY'D BE FINE.

WELL MERV DISGUSTED, TURNED AWAY TO FIND SOME OTHER SPORT,
BUT THEN A VOICE SAID PARDON ME, COULD WE HAVE YOUR SUPPORT?
SOME SWEET YOUNG THINGS IN SKIRTS AND BOOTS SOON HAD THE THREE SURROUNDED.
AND DAZZLED BY THEIR COMPANY, THEY JUST STOOD THERE ASTOUNDED.

THEY SAID IT'S FOR A REAL GOOD CAUSE AND WON'T TAKE TOO MUCH TIME.
WE'LL GIVE YOU DANCING LESSONS IF YOU WILL ONLY JOIN THE LINE.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT ENCHANTMENT BUT IT IS ANYBODY'S GUESS,
WHY, TO THEIR OWN AMAZEMENT THEY ALL HEARD THEMSELVES SAY YES!

THEY JOINED THE DANCERS ON THE ROAD AND OVERCAME THEIR FEAR,
REMEMBER THIS WAS MORNING AND THEY HADN'T HAD A BEER!
THEY SCOOTED ROUND WITH ALL THE GRACE OF GREYHOUNDS WITH THE NITS.
HEMMED IN BY SWAYING BUMS, AND LOTS OF BOBBING BOUNCY BITS.

THEY STARTED TO ENJOY IT BUT DIRECTION THEY DID LACK,
WHEN MERV WAS GOING FORWARD. MAX AND KEN WAS COMING BACK.
THEY JOINED THE MEXICAN WAVE AND THEY FELT GOOD TO BE ALIVE.
THE LINE DANCERS DID TWO WAVES, WHILE OUR BRAVE HEROES MANAGED FIVE

THEY STRUTTED STOMPED AND SCOOTED AND WHEN THE MUSIC STOPPED.
THEY'D SET A NEW RECORD AND THE OLD MARK HAD BEEN TOPPED.
THE TITLE'S SAFE IN AUSSIE HANDS, THE NATION CAN RELAX
BECAUSE WE HAVE COURAGEOUS MEN LIKE MERV AND KEN AND MAX.

MERV'S MISSUS WASN'T TOO IMPRESSED - SHE REALLY FLIPPED HER LID
WHEN SHE HEARD WHAT HER LINE DANCE HATING HUSBAND JUST DID.
i'LL NEVER SHOW MY FACE AGAIN SHE SAID. HE'S GONE ALL QUEER,
BUT MERV JUST STOOD THERE QUIETLY WITH A GRIN FROM EAR TO EAR.

AND WHEN THE LOCAL NEWS CAME ON SHE GAVE HIM ONE MORE SERVE,
FOR RIGHT THERE ON THE T.V SCREEN WAS MAX AND KEN AND MERV!
SHE SAID OF ALL THE CRAP YOU PUT ON LINE DANCERS TO ME,
THEN YOU HAVE THE HIDE TO SCOOT YOUR BOOTS ON NATIONWIDE T.V.

NOW THINGS ARE BACK TO NORMAL AND THE HEROES BACK AT WORK,
THREE VALIANT MEN WHO HEARD COMMITMENTS CALL AND DID NOT SHIRK,
JUST HOW THEY CAME TO BE INVOLVED THEY STILL CAN'T QUITE EXPLAIN.
BUT I SUSPECT COME NEXT JANUARY, THEY'LL BE IN THE LINE AGAIN!

BILL KEARNS, JANUARY 2000.