THE TWELVE RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING FOR GARDENERS

TWELVE RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING FOR GARDENERS

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. Never mind the tracked- in dirt trail leading from the outside to the bathroom. The seeds you drop on the way will grow into fine houseplants.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone. This will encourage others to spend time IN the yard - hopefully helping you with gardening chores.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" It also helps to explain that this is required for overwintering your faithful gardening spiders.

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread gardening magazines and seed catologs next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use as nesting material for songbirds.Then begin to happily whistle a bird call, while headed outside, with a bag of birdseed.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

11. Tell your family you deperately require a break. And you will crack under the stress of constant housework unless you get one.

12. Escape into the garden , for some much deserved enjoyment. Relax and for heavens sake, do not allow anyone to mention the weeds.

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