Updates
1.31.08: This one's just for you DAD.
Though we no longer speak I still love you.
I do know that you continue to view my website (maybe even daily for some odd reason).
FYI: My mother does not and will not respond to your emails.
There's basically no point in perpetuating that endeavor.
I do not understand why you continue to lurk on my homepage if you don't agree with anything my website stands for.
What I really should do is block your i.p. address.
Oh yes, I do have the ability to do so.
I'm sure that startles you considering that "I don't know shit about computers!"
I may have intermediate computer skills compared to your advanced hardware and software knowledge, but I'm practically a guru online.
I know... I know... You wish you were too.
However, I find it amusing that you continue to visit me online.
I'll just allow you to keep coming back because I now know I have at least one more dedicated person willing to read my work religiously.
I miss you and hope that Texas is everything you ever dreamed of.
Check back for more updates in about two to three weeks because they'll be plenty for you read!
- Your Pride & Joy.
1.28.08
Problem: lack of updates
Cause: my parents found my site...
They pretty much cut me off.
My mom took back my car/credit card/etc...
Sooo, I am trying to work as much as I can to save money to move out my apartment into a new place.
I have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays too.
I hate college.
I'll update soon enough.
I'm sorry.
I just have to take care of some shit first.
10.5.07
LOOOVE Lily Cole.
It's all about the dolls these days.
I've been trying to be more active in the message board.
We have a lot of dedicated members now.
It's growing everyday.
It's truly become a little community hehe.
The members are all there to offer you support of you need it.
I love it because everyone on the board is so open minded and accepting.
Don't hesitate to join.
I know how hard it is having no one to talk to about eating disorders sometimes, so you are welcome become a part of our circle.
I have a lot going on in my life.
I moved out, THANK GOD.
I'm back at college in my new apartment.
Life is a little better for me now.
I have my own space and complete control over everything I eat.
I'm going to try to do some more writing on the site a later tonight.
I need to update some of the sections pretty bad.
Check back later on for my updates.
Excitement!
8.2.07
Finally... a new layout!
I hope you guys like it.
Let me know what you think.
I posted a few new pics from my Euro trip.
It was fun but a little too hectic.
I was a tad too sick to be rushing around that much.
I was in an incredible amount of pain most of the time I spent in France, but I started to feel somewhat better in London.
I could definitely hack it there.
Maybe I'll move there someday.
I'll be going back to college soon.
I'm actually looking foward to that.
I've been fucking grounded the entire summer because I got in trouble with the DEA.
Long story short... I placed an international order in (keep this in mind) October that was *supposed* to be legit - got fucked over and nailed for it in June.
How in the hell I got hit for this almost a year later...
I have no idea.
So, my mom told me to get the fuck out.
She said she would take anything I left behind to a dumpster and set it on fire.
After she regained control of her wild temper she told me I could stay here if I were to abide by new rules.
I can't have company, and I cannot go anywhere except to work.
I'm bored, lonely, and miserable 24/7.
This is why I can't wait to move out again.
Some other bullshit happened.
It's really too much to explain.
My problems are neverending.
I'm so tired.
I don't know what else to do.
I'll write a little more later.
In the mean time...
Check out the new sections.
ENJOY.
7.10.07
A new layout has been ready since June.
I haven't posted it because I plan on adding personal video messages to it.
I'm going to peace out to Europe in about two hours.
I'll be visiting France and London.
I will be back on the 24th of July.
The new layout and updates will be posted the week I get back.
So many things have happened to me.
Serious health problems, run-ins with the law, family break downs, and much much more.
I'm surprised I'm still breathing (literally).
I really need a break from life.
This is just what the doctor ordered.
I have so much to tell you.
Goodbye for now.
6.2.07
I decided it was time to update.
God, I'm so tired.
I've been very sick for the past three weeks.
I had to go to a weird doctor because my father failed to inform me that I was dropped from his health insurance when he retired in February 2006.
Basically... I would've been fucked had something seriously bad happened to me in the past year.
I've been wanting to faint for days.
I'm no longer having dizzy spells (yay).
It was getting so bad that I couldn't stand up.
It's been very frustrating.
I want to be better.
I start doing something small like walking up the stairs...
I end up resting in bed for the next 15 minutes.
I want my fucking energy back.
I want to exercise.
I want to be me again.
A ton of other bad shit has happened.
Too many limitations.
I think I'm living with Hitler...
Car Rules and Personal Restrictions:
(My mom took my car away in April and sent me back to Fresno on the Greyhound.)
1. I must log the mileage on my car everytime I drive it (date, time, where I'm coming from, where I'm going to, & # of miles).
2. I can only drive my car to and from work and to do errands for the family.
3. I can only have company until 12 am.
4. I can only stay out until 1:30 am.
5. I must wake my brother up at 7 am, make his breakfast, and take him to school every weekday by 8 am.
6. blah, blah, fucking, blah...
I'm not happy with this.
Am I ever???
Well, I could tell you more, but I won't get into the real dirt.
I will tell you honestly that I am not in a good place.
I'm trying to make it better.
I need to sort out my life.
Though I probably need to improve my health first.
Do you ever feel like you're fading?
I think I really am this time.
4.15.07
It's just one thing right after another.
I got busted yesterday.
An RA smelled my bud in the hall.
He took away my bubbler.
That's $125 down the drain.
I'll buy another one.
I don't like smoking from my pipe.
He called the cops on me, but they were really nice.
I didn't get charged with possession. (Thank God!)
I might get kicked out of the dorms though.
Motel living for the last month of school doesn't sound so bad.
He made me take out my toaster and tried to take away my tortoise.
That was SO not happening.
I just hid her when he came to check to see if she was still here.
I'm good now.
No record.
As for the site.....
The message board has fifteen members now.
That's not much, but it's a start!
We have some good discussion going on.
Want to join???
4.9.07
Things are going so much better now.
I finally got my antidepressants.
I hope they help me to work through my depression in a more healthy way.
I made up with my mother, and I'm back at school now.
I quit my job when I thought I wouldn't have my car.
I wish I could go back, but it's not fair of me to ask to work for another month when I know I'm going home for the summer after school's out.
I will hopefully be trying out for cheerleading at the end of this month.
Then the semester should end rather quickly.
I'm really looking foward to the summertime.
Anyways, I made a message board.
Go ahead and register to start posting.
I'll approve your account after looking at your profile.
There will be a few rules for the message board.
If everything goes well I will start promoting it.
The rules to the board are as follows.....
Introduce yourself when you join.
After this you MUST reply to someone else's post to create a new thread.
This way I can ensure that everyone in the forum is getting feedback.
I will start a few threads to reply to.
Do not let the number of threads you have posted exceed the number of responses you give.
Your account will be deleted if I catch you posting new threads without responding to those of others.
I want to make this a place of mutual support.
Do not bother joining if you plan to argue with me and bash my website.
I do not want you posting in the message board if you are not pro ana.
I will delete your account and ban you for this.
My friend Merissa from back home will soon be contributing here.
She is very intelligent, and I think she has a lot to offer the website.
We're in the same boat concerning eating disorders.
I am very lucky to have a friend like her.
I will get rid of the message board if it doesn't become popular.
I'm trying to create a place of self-expression for those of you who have no one to talk to about your struggles.
I will be posting frequently, and Merissa will hopefully be participating as a moderator.
Show your support and join.
4.3.07
I'm on spring break.
I drove about four hours to get home on Friday.
I was excited for an escape.
All hopes of relief were shattered upon my arrival.
The moment I saw my mother she immediately asked me if my father was at home.
She then kicked me out and took away my car.
I don't really think I did anything to deserve what happened.
She told me that I think I'm an adult, so she wants to treat me like one.
She tells me what I'm thinking as if I don't have a mind of my own.
She continues to do this, and she is ALWAYS wrong.
She likes to try to analyze the motives for my behavior, and when she is wrong... there is no convincing her otherwise.
I am not disrespectful nor am I malicious.
She thinks I do things to spite her or that I am out to get her.
I don't do things to intentionally hurt other people.
That's just not who I am.
When she gets mad at me it's usually over something I didn't even realize would upset her.
I just can't do anything right.
There's nothing I can do to please her.
I've been staying at my daddy's house during break with no transportation and bored to death.
He lives about 30 minutes away from my hometown.
I cried for two days and contemplated suicide after what happened, but I'm doing a little better now.
I have to quit my job because I will have no transportation when I go back to school.
(Not to sound like a cheap salesman... but I found this online job that's been helping me out a little bit lately. I'm going to relying on it pretty heavily now that I have to quit my real job. I need all the help I can get. If you would be kind enough to help me in a time of great need or if just want to make a little extra $ for yourself you can email me at summerdollie@yahoo.com for more information.)
I'm looking into buying a car so that my mommy can't take it away from me.
She never allows me to pay for anything even when I'm willing.
This may seem like a positive thing for me, but sometimes I think she won't allow me to take any resposibility for my expenses because she likes to control my life.
She dictates almost everything I can and cannot do.
I feel like property.
Both of my parents think buying a car on my own is a bad idea.
If I do buy a car I still have to quit my job.
I don't make enough money to pay for car insurance month to month, so I would have to find a job that would give me more hours.
I'm just very upset because I actually like my job.
I coach gymnastics.
I love having a job involving fitness.
I'm trying to find a place to live when I come back for the summer.
I can only come home if I "fix" things between me and my mother.
I don't want to be walking on eggshells all summer though.
Everything is so messed up for me right now.
There's so much more to say about the situation, but I won't bore you.
It's much worse than I can explain anyway.
The only good thing that has come out of this is my lack of appetite.
Whenever I begin to eat something I get too grossed out to finish it.
Water is the only thing that I can consume without disgust.
That's a good word.
I am disgusted with my life right now.
I did not sleep for the first four nights I stayed here, but I drugged myself into a deep sleep last night.
I had a dream that I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
The thought doesn't even seem that crazy to me.
3.13.07
My website is finally a dot com.
I didn't think I would ever do it.
Anyways, it's www.addictedandrestricted.com.
I just read a comment that somewhat annoyed me.
I am not really that angry, but please do not come onto my website telling me what I am and what I am not.
Whatever your definition of anorexic may be.....
Don't apply it to someone you have never even met.
I will post my story at some point.
Maybe you will understand that it is not normal to be 41 lbs. in the 4th grade.
I have been boney before, but I've also been fat before.
Regardless, I struggle with this disorder everyday.
I've been better, and I've been worse.
What I am is not for you to decide.
And yes, it is insulting.
DO NOT come on here lecturing me.
DO NOT come on here telling me that I am wrong about something I have been dealing with for ten years.
And definitely.....
DO NOT come on here pretending you have the authority to deny me something your narrow, weak mind does not even have the ability grasp.
Believe me, it is insulting.
And I will not tolerate it from anyone.
2.19.07
OK.
I am sooooo blazed right now.
I am going to try to make sense.
I thought I should expose you to this side of me.
I smoke weed every night, and I never write about it.
No, I do not get the munchies.
I have will power.
I'm not a snacker.
I went to visit my love this weekend.
It was amazing.
We argued... (we made up even better).
He took me to the botanical gardens in Pasadena.
It was the best date that I've ever been on.
There was a conservatory, library, and art museum.
I LOVED IT.
Then he took me to a really fancy restaurant called the Il Fornaio.
Saturday was such a good day.
I miss him.
Since I am gone right now.....
I would like to inform you that I posted five pictures of myself.
Just to satisy any potential curiousity.
They are located in the thinspiration section.
That's wishful thinking.
I'll never be thinspiration.
I just made a big decision based on very poor information.
I shouldn't say information.
I'll just say that I cannot think rationally in this condition.
I love it though.
SYNERGY.....
2.8.07
What are people doing skulking around on pro-ana web sites, when they're not even ana?
People are ridiculous.
I got my first bit of hateful feedback.
Check it out in the guestbook.
It almost excited me seeing as though the person claimed that what I am doing is criminal.
It wouldn't matter if it was.
I suppose I break a lot of laws.
Mostly prescription and illegal drugs use.
Anyways, I had a new experience.
I'm going to write about it in the thoughts section.
It's about my first and last time doing salvia.
It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had.
It was definitely the most f*cked up I've ever been on any substance.
I should really stick to marijuana.
I've learned my lesson.
I'm going to be visiting my love for the weekend after Valentine's Day.
I'm really looking foward to it.
I haven't had anything to look foward to in quite a while.
I want to be thinner when he sees me.
He loves me the way I am, but I want him to notice the change.
I'm going to work myself to the bone.
1.22.07
I added Gemma Ward to my thinspiration page.
Her legs are ideal.
She's definitely one of my favorite models.
My absolute favorite is Ana Beatriz Barros.
I'll add a page for her in the next few days.
I love everything about her appearance.
She's practically flawless.
I aspire to be of her calibur, but I'm doing ok right now.
I've returned to cigarettes.
Once a smoker... always a smoker.
It's true.
I hadn't bought a cigarette since October.
Oh well.....
I'm deciding to restrict more.
I have a new plan.
Fruit and water for the most part.
I'll eat sashimi and sunomo or miso soup on occassion.
If I feel like bingeing, I'll resort to subway.
I'll only order a sandwich that's 400 calories or less though.
That sounds substantial.
I need to get into the groove for school.
I'm taking 18 units.... shit.
I know I can do it.
I don't really know how to study properly.
I'll work on it though.
They say successful students study.
I received four A's and one B last semester without studying.
How's that for defying the odds?
I feel good right now.
I just smoked a cigar.
I smoked a cigarette last night for the first time in a long while.
I was in such a state of bliss that it rendered me brain dead.
If I smoke, I can easily eat less.
I'm looking foward to it.
I weigh about 113.
That's a minimal gain for going home all of Christmas break.
I can lose the weight in a week if I continue this way.
No suffering included.
I feel empowered.
I'll hopefully be visiting my love for the weekend after Valentine's Day.
We'll have an entire romantic weekend plus Thursday night and all of Friday.
I'm more than stoked.
God, I love love.
I hope you all find what I have.
Once you've found this feeling, you can die happy.
1.19.07
MORE DEATH.
My mother's cousin was shot.
A man drove to her house two weeks ago.
She was outside about to take her grandchildren to school.
He asked her for her purse, but it wasn't what he wanted.
His only intention was to kill her.
He aimed at her forehead.
The bullet went through her hand as she tried to block it.
He twisted her arm back to shoot her in her side.
Then he finished her with a shot to the ear.
I hadn't seen her for a while, but I used to see her a lot when I was younger.
Unexpected death is the worst of all.
No time to say goodbye.
No time to make amends.
No will to understand.
I think fate must have made a mistake.
I never thought I could lose so much that it wouldn't hurt anymore.
This is more than coping.
This feeling is greater than numbness.
It's like closing my eyes and falling.
I haven't hit the bottom yet.
I'll be waiting.
Aside from the subject of death.....
I'm back at college now.
I feel like I have nothing here.
I don't have any friends here.
I'm four hours away from home.
I put my b/f on a train this morning.
Less than an hour ago.
He's going back home.
I hate having to be away from him for so long.
He knew I would have a hard time returning here without him, so he rode in the car with me here on Monday.
I was so happy.
He stayed all week.
I love having someone to wake up next to.
I want to live with him.
More than that... I want to marry him.
I don't deserve him, and now we're apart.
I hugged him goodbye, and I couldn't let go.
I don't know when I'll see him again.
Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time.
Just an idea..... I was considering posting a picture of myself on here. Email me at shopditzshop@yahoo.com to give me your thoughts on that. I don't know if anyone would appreciate it. I don't consider myself to be particularly inspiring. Maybe there is value in my anonymity, but I need your thoughts before making a decision.
12.24.06
I'm hurting.
Don't pretend you understand.
You don't.
And you never will.
I've been sad ever since I came home.
I'm fat, and I can't convince myself otherwise.
I don't want to exist anymore.
My great Aunt Kathy, my mother's favorite aunt, died on December 5th.
My grandfather died on December 21st.
My mother lost both of her parents in one year.
I don't know how to handle myself.
I don't want this life anymore.
I asked a Target employee where I could find a scale while shopping.
He told me I was cold.
I suppose he was right.
I can't argue with that.
If only he knew why, he wouldn't bring it to my attention.
I don't know how to rid myself of negativity.
My mother is so depressed that we don't even have a Christmas tree this year.
She bought no gifts for anyone.
She says she will have an anxiety attack if we stay home for Christmas.
We're going to Denver, Colorado for Christmas.
I hate the snow.
There is no place I have a stronger desire not to be.
My love and I don't get to spend our first Christmas together.
I cannot even begin to explain my feelings about that.
Too many things are killing me inside.
I cry everyday.
I find no peace.
All I want is a cigarette.
Living is pain I have never felt before.
11.24.06
I'm sorry about the lack of updates.
I don't get much feedback on this thing.
I just concluded that no one cared to visit.
This place was like a crutch for me before.
I don't think I need this to help me stand on my own two feet anymore.
I will try to work on this site more often though.
I'm trying to figure out a lot of things about my life right now.
My grandmother died in June.
Now my grandfather is also dying of cancer.
I don't think he will live until Christmas.
I'm not that emotionally attached to him, but I hate the fact that my mother is losing two parents within the same year.
If there is a God.....
What kind of God would do this to a family?
My mother's favorite aunt, her mother's younger sister, is dying of bone cancer.
My grandmother's brother is also dying of cancer.
I'm not especially distrot because I find death simply to be the consequence of life.
I don't fear it.
I would've welcomed it with open arms in my younger years.
My family is becoming too familiar with death and introduced much too quickly to assimilate.
It's not fair to my relatives.
This situation in itself is not having a detrimental effect on me.
The fact that my mother has no will to live anymore is what is hurting me.
She once told me that I'm not enough.
She would've jumped in that casket with her own mother had I been an only child.
I'm really trying to find something to believe in.
I went to Christian school when I was younger.
I have gradually grown away from Christianity ever since.
My current experience with death and dying has only dragged me further away from that belief.
I am trying to enroll in a class that will teach me about different religions.
I want to decide upon something.
Agnosticism is so vague.
It is only confusion and dissatisfaction.
I want something to trust in.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
10.10.06
It's pretty late right now.
I should be sleeping, but I don't get much in the way of rest these days.
I just got hired yesterday as a gymnastics and cheer coach.
That should keep me busy enough outside of classes.
I'm only taking 13 units anyway.
I have been doing a lot better and trying to care more about myself.
That is, until maybe an hour ago.
I just had what I like to call a "spark and surge".
I had been kinder to myself for a few days.
Tonight I somehow got inspired to change body.
That's the spark, the reassurance that I can fix myself if I can stay focused.
The surge starts now.
Food is no longer a daily luxury for me.
I can't stand myself.
On a lighter note, I got to go home this past weekend.
I was so happy to see my love.
I'm not exactly sure how to put this.
He makes me feel..... necessary.
Isn't that the best feeling in the world?
Life is better knowing someone needs you.
I'm only valuable in his arms.
I'm not worth it when he's not around.
I wish I didn't fall so hard.
I trust him with my heart, but I don't think I would allow myself to live if he left me.
He doesn't know that I place that much weight on our relationship.
It's dangerous to place that kind of confidence in other people.
People can be so deceitful and unreliable.
I think I've found someone I can count on though.
If I'm wrong about him, it's my life.
9.29.06
I had stopped eating, like I said.
My counselor gave me a food chart and tried to put me on a meal plan.
I agreed to give it a try.
I was eating twice a day.
It was roughly a meal and a half for normal standards.
I'm not going to do it anymore.
She wanted me to eat three times a day.
I never realized until the moment she said that, that I haven't eaten three meals in one day in months.
I can't remember the last time I went through a day and ate at three separate occassions.
That's an unnecessary amount of food.
I've been exercising to my breaking point.
Today I went to my morning gymnastics class, adult open gym at a local gymnastics gym, and to the normal gym on campus.
I'm overcompensating for the extra food I'm supposed to eat.
The more food I eat, the more work I create for myself.
I just took a shower, and when I got out I looked at myself in the mirror.
I've decided that I cannot continue to exist in this body.
I will be getting liposuction as soon as possible.
I don't know what else to do.
I exercise a tremendous amount.
I've heavily restricted and still never seen the results I want.
Why is it that the one thing that would change my attitude about life and who I am as a person is the one thing I don't have?
Some girls are born with the kind of body that I want, and they just take it for granted.
They could all have been made like me, hating themselves, wishing they could subtract the excess.
I'm envious not only because they are thin and don't pack on pounds like I do, but because they are free of this horrid obsession.
They can focus on other things, and live life as life should be lived.
I'm just trapped.
I'm getting help by seeing a counselor, but I really don't even know if I truly want help.
I don't want to cry anymore, and I want to be satisfied with myself.
Why can't I just let go?
9.18.06
I am deciding to stop eating all together.
I just had my last food tonight.
I don't know how long I plan to fast, but I think it will be worth it.
I know I'll be hungry at some point.
I know it's going to hurt.
I just don't feel I deserve the pleasure of food.
I cannot think of a single thing I have done to deserve it.
Food is for people with a metabolism.
Mine is just awful.
Most people look somewhat the same size after eating.
I'm pretty sure my waist line expands about three inches each meal.
I suppose I will be going home in a few weeks.
I want people to notice a difference.
That will make me feel like I've achieved something.
9.14.06
I just took a Biology test.
I think I did pretty well.
I just studied for my exam whenever I felt like eating.
Now, I only eat once every other day.
The strange thing is that I'm not at all suffering.
I mean, I'm a little hungry, but it's really not bothering me.
I can dream up my meals in advance and make sweet love to my food.
I'm going to post my workout routine in the tips section.
I workout six days out of the week.
I exclude Mondays because I have a night class from 7:00 until 9:50.
It's really hard to keep going when I'm on the track or the elliptical, but I force myself to keep going with the thought of how much weight I'll be losing if I continue.
I deserve to be worked hard.
I can ease off the diet pills and exercise when my body is satisfactory.
That probably means never.
My b/f told me a little while ago that he needed a break from me because I'm mentally exhausting.
He loses sleep over how I continue to abuse my body.
He refused to speak to me until I got help.
So, I'm seeing a counselor right now.
I see her once a week, and I hope she can help me to build confidence.
I'm not ready to go into recovery, but I don't want to deal with feeling like I'm repulsive anymore.
I would settle for being "ok" with myself.
I'll probably never be happy with myself, so I can settle for "ok".
I can't eat today or tomorrow because my aunt is bringing my two little cousins down to see me on Saturday.
They will want to take me to eat or something, so I have to be careful.
I know I can do this.
Things are going smoothly right now, so I have no complaints.
9.9.06
I'm a little depressed right now.
I'm crying, and I'm not sure why.
I just think it's circumstance.
I was upset before because I got a speeding ticket, and then I got a parking ticket.
That seems stupid to be so mad about because I do have the money to pay for it.
It's simply that my mother doesn't want to allow me to grow up.
I'm 19, and I know high school freshman with more freedom than I have.
I'm extremely responsible and much more mature than most people my age.
It just seems that the one time I finally get some amount of credit, my car, I just mess it up.
My mother didn't let me bring my car to college with me last year, though I was seven hours away from home.
Since I have a difficult time making friends, I spent the majority of my freshman year sitting alone in a single room hating myself.
I don't see why these things happen to me.
I mean..... a speeding ticket can happen to anyone who has to endure a four hour drive.
It's not so much the ticket, but more so the concept that I get knocked down everytime I get what I deserve.
My mom's strict enough to the point that she would take away my car.
She's done it before.
I had a friend back into my car with her huge SUV once.
The accident was entirely her fault.
I was grounded the entire summer, and my car was taken away.
Once my phone bill went over, and my car was taken away for eight months.
That just the jist of it.
I was never abused, but I think I get punished much more severely than anyone deserves.
Hopefully, my car will not be snatched away again.
I don't know if she will do it, but it's not like she has to pay for my ticket and traffic school.
She has no reason to take it away if the ticket doesn't affect her either way.
I'm worried that she will, and I will have to go yet another miserable and trapped year in college.
I had never been more depressed than my freshman year in college.
I had sex with worthless men in a miserable attempt to abuse my undeserving body.
I remember a period of time where I had no food or drink for eight straight days because I felt I wasn't worthy of nourishment.
I made myself sit around my single room dorm in a bikini for hours to remind myself of why I didn't deserve to eat.
I had food sitting right in front of my face the entire time.
I got angry at the very sight of the cereal box sitting on top of my bookshelf.
I only convinced myself to eat something after an eight hour migraine.
It was a terrible existence.
I feel much better being here now.
It's a new place and a new start.
All my furious work outs are paying off.
I can see it in my abs.
I only eat once a day.
I drank alcohol last night, which I regret.
I was crying on the phone to my b/f.
It was rather pathetic.
Now I'm sitting here at 8 am updating and somewhat sad, though I'm not entirely sure why.
All I know is that I'm not eating today, and that is what makes me feel necessary.
I DO NOT HAVE TO EAT.
I am liberated.
9.6.06
I'm going to try to update more often.
Believe it.
I've moved back into college.
I've been here a little more than a week.
I like it here so far.
It's hot as hell, so that's right up my alley.
Unfortunately, my roommates are attempting to kill me with the overuse of air conditioning.
I enjoy being hot, unlike most people.
The gym here on campus is the most amazing rec center I've ever been in.
Needless to say, I've been working out like a fiend.
I stack three different types of diet pills, and I don't keep food in my dorm room.
That means if I actually plan to eat, that I have to go way out of my way to do it.
EXCELLENT.
I'm not miserable at the moment, but I do wish I weren't a blimp.
Life isn't awful right now, and I feel content with everything except my body.
This is improvement.
I have class in an hour or so, and I'm not dreading it like I normally would be.
I like most of my classes, and I plan to be a focused student for once.
I'm a notorious college slacker.
Fortunately, I can still maintain above a 3.0 because I'm not a complete idiot.
I'm going to try harder this semester though.
School work aside, I would kill for some weed right now.
Two hits, and I'm set.
8.20.06
Hello.
I know I've been absent for a while.
I check the site frequently, but I don't think I really get much traffic here.
I thought I would just take a break from the pro-ana world for a sec.
I couldn't bring myself to update.
Well, I'm leaving back to college on Friday.
GREAT.
That's another group of roommates to be "concerned" about my behavior.
Somehow, I'm just not feeling like my normal self.
Today was my last day on my job.
I feel a little confused about things.
I have reading books on abuse and anorexia cases.
I just finished "A Child Called It" and the sequel "The Lost Boy".
Before that I read "Wasted" then "The Best Little Girl In The World".
The latter of the two seemed like crap after reading Marya Hornbacher's story.
It made me consider a few things.
I can't help but feel that I'm this strange breed of a ruined lifeform consumed by a single obsession.
I obsess over food, or rather, the lack of it like most anorexics, but lately I'll start to think of the food itself and so much fear wells up inside me.
Of course, it's expected that our kind would have a strange relationship with food, but the thought of meals and being so dependent upon it is scaring me.
The thought and idea of food is starting to sound morbid and to some extent inappropriate to me.
I feel like I'll never get past it and remain a tormented being for the rest of my life.
I think this feeling should be addressed through some type of therapy, but I don't want professional help.
I wish there were such a thing as a happy anorexic.
Someone who could remain pure and satisfied with life while resisting temptations.
I don't know how I can live with such an insatiable urgency.
I don't want to deal with this feeling anymore.
7.24.06
Yes, it's about 3 am right now.
I took a lot of diet pills.
I have too much energy.
I've been busier than usual because I have work, plus my geology final is this week.
So, I've been trying to make time for my b/f as well.
A few days ago my b/f told me than I'm too thin.
It pleased me.
He wouldn't say such things if he knew that it made me feel the way it does.
A stylist at the salon I work at also said something to me.
It wasn't necessarily toward my weight, but it sounded very indicative.
I wasn't feeling that super on that particular day, so she was a little concerned.
She asked, "Do you eat at all? You might feel better if you eat something."
That comment ticked me off and made me a little giddy at the same time.
Of course I eat.
I'm alive aren't I???
She's foreign, but not to the point that she would ask such an inappropriate question.
That's why it rubbed me the wrong way.
You don't just directly ask someone if they eat.
That's asking me to admit that I'm anorexic, in which case it's none of her effing business.
That comment also meant that she thinks I'm small enough that I look like I might not eat.
Sure, I have collar bones to rival your high school classroom skeleton's, but besides that I think I could drop a few and still look healthy.
My 00's are too big, but I am far from emaciated.
People are so blunt sometimes.
I don't associate with people who are that rude.
I'll show her skinny.
Soon she won't even have to question whether I eat or not.
She'll take one look at me and won't have any excuse to think otherwise.
I'm now officially a solid 103 lbs.
No plateau.
No problem.
7.16.06
I'm in a pretty happy mood right now.
It's rare, and I want it to last.
I work a lot and take class four days a week which makes me busy and a little sad.
I recently started cooking for myself, and I think that's why I'm so happy.
I like the idea of controlling EXACTLY what goes into my food.
I even bought a cook book today.
I've been getting recipes out of magazines and modifying them so far.
I made up my own recipe for tonight though.
I never eat home cooked meals.
My mother works 10 hour days, and no one in my house cooks.
My aunt who lives with us is from Louisiana, and she is an excellent cook.
I'm talking about good down home southern coooking.
She just never makes anything because she takes care of the baby all day.
I'm excited that I'm trying something new.
I use a lot of zero calorie ingredients and whole grain type foods.
I might post some of the recipes I've concocted on here.
Everything I make is less than 300 cals per meal.
I am very picky about what I eat.
That means if I'm eating it, it must be pretty effing good.
7.11.06
I added onto my about me section.
I put more into my food choices.
I will probably be writing more in the tips section very soon.
Yesterday was a strange day.
I was finally off work.
Today and yesterday were the first days I got a real rest.
I still had to attend class though.
I drank a lot more water than usual yesterday and tried to eat like a normal person too.
I was feeling really bloated.
I can't do that again.
It wasn't a binge.
I just thought I should try to be healthy and happy with a normal lifestyle.
The death of my grandmother did something to me.
My anorexia seemed so insignificant for a moment.
Then I thought I could fix myself.
I tried so hard yesterday to be ok with myself and my body after eating.
It didn't happen for me.
I can't just ditch anorexia.
I've tried in the past.
I'm not quite sure why I thought I could do it successfully yesterday.
I don't even want to recover.
I was stupid to act on impulse.
I was at my worst last night.
I was feeling very low last night, and my b/f could see it in my face.
It took me about ten minutes to build up the strength to explain.
He was getting upset with me for not telling him what was wrong.
Being my usual soft, compromising self, I gave into him.
How could I not???
I told him everything.
Well..... the bulk of it.
I told him about my weight loss, my restricting, and my emotions.
I didn't mention my web site though.
I don't think I really want him to know about this.
It was so hard to convince myself to talk about it.
I had tears in my eyes as I spoke.
I don't know whether I am happy or not about the fact that I told him.
He already knew I have problems with food in general, but he didn't really know any details.
To my surprise, he didn't dump me.
He didn't try to force me into recovery.
He didn't even get upset.
He was very understanding.
I wish I could say the "L" word to him.
I am afraid he might not feel the same way.
That just might be more difficult to say than what I told him last night.
7.10.06
It's been a while, and for that I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how many people visit my site with regularity, but life's been hectic.
My grandmother died on June 29th.
My mother and stepfather stayed in Texas until she died.
The funeral was a few days ago.
I need a break.
It seems that I get home at night, and then I have to go back to work within a few hours.
It's all too much.
I broke my plateau.
I was stuck at 107 for quite a while.
I've whittled down to 104 lbs.
I plan to continue shrinking.
My b/f gave me the biggest rush the other night.
We were watching tv on the floor while her rubbed my back.
The he said, "Summer..... I don't like that."
I didn't understand what he meant.
Then he told me that my back was too bony.
I know how it bothered him, but his feedback was the most complete form of encouragement I could possibly receive.
I'm smiling right now as my stomach growls violently.
Hunger is beauty.
My manager and all the women that I work with always tell me I'm skinny.
That's not true at all.
They're constantly talking about food, and none of them work out.
Some of them wear tight clothes that accentuate every roll.
How are they ok with themselves?
I don't get it.
I work at a salon, so many women pass through.
I saw the skinniest girl ever last week.
Her name was Lauren, and I want to follow her around to watch her eating habits.
Her elbows were large in comparison to the rest of her arm as she handed me her credit card.
I admire her chest bones as well.
Her frame was so delicate.
That's what I want.
It may be too much to ask.
Good news for me, my favorite store, Express, started making size 00 in jeans.
Y-E-S.
I worked there in January, and their size 0's didn't quite cut it.
I can shop there on my breaks now.
I want my 00 jeans to be looser.
My thighs make me want to cry.
The jeans aren't tight, but I just know I can do better.
00 means absolutely nothing to me.
It hurts to sit down now, and I'm happy about that.
All I want are bones.
Bones are what I shall have.
I'm going to add on to the thoughts section right after this update.
I hope you read it.
I'll try to update more frequently.
I'm lagging, and that's definitely not chill.
6.23.06
This is going to be a long update, but I would truly appreciate if you read it.
I'm going through more than you could ever imagine.
I've been really busy lately.
I now have a college class and a full time job.
I work eight hours a day for five days a week.
I go to school four days a week every morning.
So, basically I have minimal time for sitting around.
I will still update in my free time.
On a lighter note....
Today's my 19th birthday.
I'm going to Disneyland.
I'm very excited, but I'm having massive family issues.
My grandmother has had cancer three times in the past.
She is currently in her fourth battle with cancer.
It has spread rapidly beginning in her left breast.
It is in both lungs, brain, spine, neck, and throat.
Can you see the issue?
She doesn't have long to live.
My mother and stepfather had me drop them off at the metrolink yesterday on a train out to Texas to say their goodbyes.
My mother has been going through financial and emotional hell for the past months.
She cries almost every hour of everyday, and I feel powerless.
I can't help her or make her happy.
She yells at me in frustration.
So, she won't be here for my birthday, and with a $22,000 funeral coming up, she has no money to spare.
She and my stepfather have been paying my aunts bills, so she could take care of my grandma in Texas.
Nurse maids can't take care of my grandmother because she is on steroid treatment, painful chemo, and she is just flat out angry.
She runs them all out crying because she's a viscious woman with a foul mouth due to the brain cancer.
It's terrible to see such a strong woman reduced to this.
I don't know what my family did to deserve any of this, but it's a dark time.
I have to help my Aunt watch my two year old and seven year old brother while my parents are gone.
My grandmother is in terrible pain, and has been declared medically insane.
My mother forgot my birthday today.
I have to watch the baby by myself today while my aunt gets her teeth pulled.
That's just lovely.
That's not important though.
I just want people to stop dying.
My mom's favorite aunt has bone cancer, and her husband just died two weeks ago.
My mom's favorite uncle has had lung cancer for quite a while, and he is also on his way to the grave.
My mother's other sister refuses to help my grandmother, and the one taking care of her can't afford to do much.
This leaves all of the financial and planning burden on my mother.
The aunt who was staying with my grandmother was abusing her because if her incessant cursing and insulting.
My grandmother has lost her ability to walk and cannot move her arms.
Her eyes are glazed over, and she wants to commit suicide.
I can understand that my aunt had to leave her job and life to take care of her mother, but my grandmother will not be here for much longer.
Nothing said by her should be taken personally because the cancer is affecting her brain.
My aunt was so sick of staying with my grandmother and being screamed at and hurt by her that my aunt wanted to kill herself.
My aunt said, "Every morning I get up and walk into that room... I hope she is dead, but I wake up every morning she is still breathing."
Now, my grandmother is confined to a hospital bed.
What awful last memories of life.
I don't even get to say goodbye.
6.15.06
I added another argument to the thoughts section.
I needed to get that out of my system.
I added Milla Jovovich to the thinspiration section.
That woman is flawless.
I will make a banner in her honor.
Ok, I'm done worshipping her now.
I also added new things to the tips section.
I put general tips and the rules I set for going out to restaurants.
I have a b/f who likes to take me out to eat a lot, so it's very important that I set boundaries for myself.
6.13.06
I put up a few new things between yesterday and today.
I made banners for linking to my site.
That was a time killer.
I wrote some things in the thoughts section.
It's a pretty good read.
More than anything, I hope my ideas make sense.
I will be writing more in the tips section in the mean time.
I know... I know... I talk too much.
6.11.06
The thinspiration section is now functional.
It drives me insane when people have disorganized pictures randomly skewed across their sites.
I think I did a pretty good job of keeping it clean.
It also bothers me that when most sites post pictures on their thispiration pages of skinny people, half of the shots posted don't even show that the person has an ideal body.
Most sites I see post standard pictures that don't really do it for me.
I did the best I could to find *inspiring* photos.
Tell me what you think.
6.7.06
GRAND OPENING.
I'm not new to the pro-ed movement.
I just got bored enough to start a site of my own.
This will not be like other sites.
I won't be flat out copy & pasting information off of other more extensive pro-ed sites.
I, of course, am not an expert in all things relating to eating disorders, but.....
I have suffered from an eating disorder for many years and consider myself very knowledgeable.
Most things here will be a combination of what I have learned through research and what I know from my personal experience.
I hope you at least listen to my perspective on things.
