Thoughts
I'll be putting some of my theories in comparison to the thoughts of my mother along with other people. Some of the things will be a bit strange, but they're just my responses and arguments against things that concern me and things I disagree with. It should be pretty interesting.
Mommy (1)
My mother is always concerned about my weight. Since she found out that I had issues with eating among other things, she is constantly evaluating me. I can't be with her in the same room for an extended period of time without her eventually staring at me and commenting on how thin she thinks I am. It seems like she would give it a rest at some point because we've been through this so many times. I'll explain the story of her discovery a bit later. I understand that she cares, but she has this warped opinion of what is attractive and what weight is acceptable/healthy. Of course, my standards for thin are on the opposite end of the spectrum because I am an anorexic, but I know how normal people think. My mother's idea for what is healthy is somewhat thick compared to what most people consider ideal.
She always tells me the average woman in America is 5'4 and 135 pounds. I find this fact incredibly irrelevant. First of all..... The average American eats absolute crap. Think about what normal people eat. Americans eat pizza, cheeseburgers, ice cream, cake, cookies, candy, red meat, french fries, soda, alcohol, etc. NONE OF THAT IS HEALTHY. That's just down right filth. The average American woman is NOT healthy. The average American woman eats crap and doesn't exercise. This type of woman obviously doesn't care about her health at all. That's my ortho side talking. I don't even care that I'm being harsh. People disgust me with their lack of obligation sometimes. People who sustain themselves on these types of food just seem careless and irresponsible to me. Second thought...... Who the hell WANTS to be average??? I didn't pay attention in class and study at home after school in attempt to be an average student in high school. I didn't push myself during practice and go over motions at home for hours on end in attempt to be an average cheerleader. Why would I live to be an average woman? I have no desire to be a lazy, fast food consuming, mediocre American woman. ESPECIALLY where I'm from. I live in the Los Angeles area. This place is the end the world in all of the vain and materialistic society that has ever existed. I am a product of California. Maybe California is bad for you, but I do the best I can with what I have. I absolutely refuse to give anyone reasonable cause to ever consider me average.
Mommy (2)
Last night my Aunt Chrissy who lives at my house went out to get some ice cream. There's this really good ice cream place right down the street from my house where I used to get green tea ice cream all the time. I used to allow myself to eat it because I figured it couldn't be that bad for me to eat it occassionally. I mean, if you're going to eat ice cream at all it's probably the least lethal kind to indulge in. I never eat it anymore because I hate my body so much now that I have nothing else to think about. I just fixate on it all day because I have nothing better to do. I've always had a big problem with the way I look, but if I ate ice cream today I'd probably take a knife to my waist and thighs. My mother asked me if I wanted my aunt to get me some too. I said no, and she got really angry. She asked me if I didn't eat it anymore. I said no because it's bad for me. She glared at me and said that I am already thin. That comment really ticked me off.
No matter how skinny or fat a person is, it does NOT give them the right to eat whatever they want. Jesus Christ. That's just ridiculous. My mother was naturally a petite girl when she was my age. I know that metabolism slows as we age and have children, but back then she ate only junk food. She could eat whatever she wanted and not gain a pound. She might not have ever gained weight as she got older if she exercised healthy eating habits. People who eat junk continue to eat it throughout life and end up overweight. I just don't see how junk food is worth it. It's bad for your overall well being. Someone shoot me in the face the day I allow myself to eat ice cream and feel that it's acceptable. People who eat ice cream guilt free should just go play in traffic.
Self (1)
These are some of my body goals..... I plan to reshape my waist into an hour glass. My hips aren't structured wide enough to naturally create this through moderate weight loss. I can see that my midsection is steadily moving toward my goal though. I want my biceps and thighs to be cut in half. My biceps have lost muscle, thank God. My thighs have decreased a bit. It's just not enough though. I want my thighs to stand apart. I can see veins in my arms, and I know that I can push myself harder. I was blessed to not have back fat. My body isn't capable of having a muffin top no matter how much I weigh. I'm going to try to give myeslf a boost. I am very hard on myself, but I do like my hands, wrists, neck, and collar bones. I wear a size four ring because my hands are bony. I have the smallest wrists out of anyone I know my age. My bracelets tend to fall off. My collar bones are naturally sharp as knives. My chest bones show, and I've seen people notice it. This is motivation. I want more skeletal definition. I wake up in pain because it feels as if my bones have been pressed against concrete while I slept. That's exactly what I deserve.
Salvia
Curiosity led me to try it. I had gone to the smoke shop to buy a new pipe the night before. I noticed the salvia inside the showcase, but I told myself not to buy it yet. I was hesitant because I'd heard so many stories of bad trips. I'd also heard less scary stories but still bazaar experiences nonetheless. My friend warned me about it, but the curiosity was eating away at me ever since I bought the pipe. I returned the following afternoon to buy it. One of my roommates was here when I got back. She had never heard of salvia. I explained to her what I've been told about it, and I wanted her to watch me do it incase something bad happened. I had never taken a hallucinogen before this incident, so I had no idea what to expect. I figured I would have some sort of vision or see nonexistent things. I thought I would be able to sit back and escape reality for a few minutes. I was very wrong.
I packed the salvia neatly into my pipe and set it on the table. I told her that we could watch Wonder Showzen. I thought it would enhance the experience. It's pretty much the most twisted show ever created. Full of sarcasm, social commentary, and most of all cruel reality. I was quite excited to watch it during my trip. I popped in the dvd and proceeded to smoke my pipe by the balcony. I slid open the door to blow the smoke outside. I took my first hit, released, and stood still for a few seconds. I wanted to turn around to tell my roommate that salvia is bull because I didn't feel a thing. I stifled my comment and stared at the pine tree in front of me. I thought if the salvia started working its magic that the tree would turn into something crazy. I wanted to give it a chance, so I took a second hit. I don't know if I was doing it improperly because I didn't have anyone experienced to direct me. I inhaled it like weed and held it in for ten good seconds. As I exhaled I could've sworn some unknown force punched me in the forehead. A wave rushed over my head, and I stumbled backward. I turned around and tried to look at my roommate. She was sitting on the couch, but I could'nt see her. Everything was so unclear. I tried to walk slowly. Instead I rushed to sit down in panic. She though I was faking it. I was trying not to alarm her, or what I thought was her. I was there next to her, but I was just a shell. I looked out into an unfamiliar, blurry distortion of what I thought existed. I expected to see crazy random things. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. I couldn't see anything at all. It was a kaleidoscope so intricate that the pieces were not visible to the naked eye. It was as if a computer took all of its pixels and scrambled them into some random configuration. I could make out certain things through relative space. I could hear the tv loud and clear. I wanted to close the lid to the salvia before I spilled it everywhere. I completed that task. I also put the pipe back in its protector. I stuffed it in there still half full of salvia. I wasn't aware. I just didn't want to leave anything for my roommate to clean up. My roommate had gotten up, but at the time I didn't know it. She was spraying the room to get rid of the smell. I had no idea that she had done that until after the trip. I saw her eyes focused on me. She was standing up next to the couch. She asked if I wanted to be taken to the doctor. She turned into a giant spinning blur. It was like an accelerated version of the Disneyland tea cups. She wouldn't stay still. I could only see her eyes. She told me that I stared at her blankly. I blurted out "no". It was all that I could gather enough thought to say. She asked me a question. I don't what she asked me, but I thought she kept repeating it. I couldn't understand what I was being asked. I know that I tried to tell her - You keep asking me the same question over and over, but I can't understand it right now..... It didn't come out right. My motor skills were shot. Panicking that she was going to try to take me outside (shudder), I slammed my hand on the couch and yelled - NO! Sit down. I could see the tv screen come in and out of focus. I saw the little boy punching the meat at the butcher's shop. That wasn't a hallucination, that was really the show. It scared me even though I had seen the episode more than once.
I stood up in a frenzy looking around. I thought my bed would fix it. I felt worse when I stood. It felt like the sudden falling sensation that causes me to gasp and my head to jolt right as I'm about to fall asleep sometimes. It was worse than that. The sensation was neverending in addition to being amplified ten fold. I told her I was going to my room in an awkward way. I wanted to say bed, but the word was nonexistent in my new vocabulary. As I entered the room my b/f called me. I heard my phone in my purse. I ran over to it. I couldn't find it. I threw my keys out. I was panting. I soon realized that I was suffocating. I didn't want to talk, but he would get mad if I ignored the call. I finally found the the phone and answered it. I don't know how I managed this, but I climbed into my loft bed with the phone in my hand. I can barely do that when I'm sober. I flopped onto my stomach. I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating that he called me or if it was real. I tried to seem as normal as possible because I knew he wouldn't approve of what I was doing. I could barely hear his voice. I told him I was lying down. I asked if I could call him back later and hung up.
The bed didn't fix me. I was uncomfortable. I'm normally a cold person. I always have chills, but I was boiling. I was suffocating and on fire. I heard the phrase - STAB YOU, STAB YOU, STAB YOU! on Wonder Showzen. My roommate was still watching it in the other room. That was last thing I need to hear. I started writhing on my bed. I decided it would be better to get up. I literally leaped out of the bed to the floor. Keep in mind that my bed is practically next to the ceiling. I pretty much jumped seven feet off of my bed with distorted perception and no sense of my surroundings. Luckily I wasn't injured. I didn't even feel it. I rushed into the room where my roommate was watching the show. I yelled at her to turn it off. I didn't mean it to sound rude. I couldn't get anything out but the simplest of commands. It was like I had become temporarily retarded. I didn't want to hear the show because it was scaring me. Then I got an idea.
I would feel better if I immersed myself in water. I fumbled around to the bathroom. After I finally got the hang of the light switch I forgot why I was in there. I turned it off and ran out. I'm glad I didn't do what I intended to do. I was going to try to take a cold shower. Nevermind that I was wearing a shirt, a sweater, a belt, jeans, and red leather shoes. I went over to my roommate's room to try to apologize. The words wouldn't come out right, but I think I got the idea across. That falling thing wouldn't stop as long as I was standing. I told her that I was going to my room. I meant to say bed, but of course... everything I said sounded like gibberish anyway. I ran back to my room and turned the light off. I ripped off my pants like I was in the NBA. Then I whipped off my belt, threw off my sweater, and kicked off my shoes. I can't sleep with doors open. I tried to close my closet. It wouldn't close. I jumped up and down trying to force it. I was losing it. Then I realized that one of my shoes was lodged between the doors. I removed it and slammed the doors in fury. I began to climb up to bed. I went to pull the sheet back but ended up ripping up the sheet that covers the mattress too. I flipped out. Bunched up sheets and ruffled covers are one of my HUGE pet peeves. I yanked the sheet down into submission. It was going to be tucked around the mattress if it was the last thing I would ever accomplish. After my epic battle versus the sheet I crawled into bed and covered my head. I rolled back and forth trying to rid myself of this intensity. It lasted almost twenty minutes total. I kept thinking - Why do people do this to themselves - Will it ever end? That was the moment I realized that I had actually done something to cause this mindless, panicked state. I didn't realize I had been on salvia. I instantly felt better in ten minutes.
This trip made me appreciate life. I have never in my life been so panicked and scared. I had never felt so close to death. I thought I was stuck that way. I've read and heard about many people's experiences with salvia, but I've never heard anything like what happened to me. That's some powerful shit. I had never imagined that anything could ever feel like that. It was a feeling that I can't put into words. It was a terrible and tragic new dimension full of vague figures and failed communication. I do not recommend that to anyone. I don't know if I would ever do that again. That shit should be illegal.
