[01 Sep 2005 | Thursday]
what i've learned
Current mood: pessimistic
you know what i have
learned? no matter what you do you lose. seriously, i hate jens. i told him
today that i was 'slowly falling out of love with him' why did i say this? i have
no idea. half the time i love him half the time i hate him, i wouldn't,
couldn't and shouldn't call that 'slowly falling out of love' exactly. i would
call it lover's remorse. he said it was quite monica-esque or something to that
degree which is the single most offensive thing he has ever said about me (even
worse than the time he told someone getting engaged to me was the worst mistake
of his entire life. i have the emails i could show you if you wanted to see
them) but this pisses me off. just because i meant nothing to him it doesn’t
mean he didn’t mean anything to me. just because he led me on he cant deney we
had a RELATIONSHIP. which by the way is the one thing monica has never had,
she’s had stalker-ships and whore-ships but never menaingful relation-ships.
but anyway, if he wants to move on with his life. if he wants to turn his back
on the one person who ever cared about him, really cared, then let him die
miserably alone like he should. i am a good person i dont let people down but
its almost like he wants me to stop being there, he wants me to be the one who
walks away because he's too much of a coward to do it. why should i stay around
if i'm just going to be a bother? no one from that area of my life really cares
much anyway. there are many more deserving people i could be friends with. so
my lesson is, don't love someone who isn't worth loving (jens) especially when
he doesn't know what he wants but STILL hurts everything he touches in trying
to understand what he wants. a self-centered fag is what he is, nothing more
than that. nothing deeper runs through his soul, at least nothing else worth
the time and agony of trying to help him bring it out.
goodbye for now.
[29 Aug 2005 | Monday]
a little backstory, a lot of bitching
Current mood: depressed
disclaimer: the end of
this is really pissed off. if you like jens, know jens or are jens just know i
am not trying to damage his name i am not trying to say hurtful things, i am
venting and i would like a little sympathy thrown my way once in a while.
long time, no blog. sorry
ive been so terribly busy. i started school at uni (i love it) and ive been
working (at happy chef, of course) and well ive had a lot going on personally.
i am so tired of being
overlooked. if anything ever happens to me its never directly related to me,
like the jens thing (or the multiple jens things to be more correct) lets see,
jens makes a mistake(s) jens fucks up our lives, people help him to do this,
people dont give a second (or first) though about how it might hurt me, though
it ALWAYS directly inflicts me and THEN nobody wants to be blamed or hell, even
involved. im sick of it. with backstabbing friends like that i dont want any
enemies.
no one ever sticks up for
me, no one ever tries to talk to me about how i feel, they let it fester in a
dank hole in my heart until it envelopes all my emotion and reason and i sink
so far low i have to SCREAM for anyone to even hear me. jens only thinks of
himself, no matter what people may think or what he may say it all boils down
to jens getting what he wants or "not hurting anyone" he would rather
put me (ME WHO HAS BEEN THERE, me who has never left him but ME who has always
trusted him ESPECIALLY WHEN I SHOULDNT HAVE) but anyway, he puts ME through
hell and back and wont even confront people who exist just to torture me. these
people are sneaky and vindictive (i cant even freaking spell today) but he
would choose to be friend with them and mess with them rather than be what he
should have been to me all along, a friend. jens doesnt deserve what ive done
for him, he has never done anything for me in the way of anything that cost him
something. its easy if it aligns with something he wants but as soon as it
requires work, time or energy he breaks or cries or shuts down.
he enjoys lying, it
excites him. he thought he was getting everything he wanted while he was
sneaking behind my back. when he was practically having sex with a 15 year old
slut of a bastard names JAKE. and he thought he was so cool when he was having
gay webcams with countless guys and he thought it was a riot when he was
fucking around with a little fag named PAUL and all of this was while we were
supposedly dating, supposedly in love.
i guess i just didnt fit
jens' idea of what he should end up with. i dont have a dick, i am not a liar,
i am not an ugly guy who will fuck him in the ass... what could i possibly have
to offer?
apparently love,
acceptance, patience, affection, understanding, adoration werent enough for
him.
anyone who dares let your
heart near jens BEWARE. he counts unworthy liars as friends and the worthy as
nothing at all.
he cant even tell me whats
wrong to my face so maybe, if its not a secret anymore he might have to face it
and not run away. WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM JENS WHAT DO YOU WANT. WHY AM I NOT
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!
[03 Aug 2005 | Wednesday]
smore's bitches!
Current mood: recumbent
well this weekend... we're
going to go camping this weekend with people from the show. sami is all moved
out. um, im all out of food lol. i'm saving most of my money for some yumminess
this weekend. weeeeeee. my apartment is rearranged, thanks to my lovely roomate
jens. ho hum i work wed, fri, sat & sun. booooo. crappy chef gr. wow this
blog is random. yeah.
[02 Aug 2005 | Tuesday]
goodbye summer play
Current mood: nostalgic
i am very sad that beauty
& the beast is now over. i have met so many nice people this summer. just
to name a few; amber, jason, teri jo, chad, jacob, sara, autumn, luke, joel,
kari, shauna, emily, other amber (lol) and many more, also so many people i've
gotten to know better; chase, osty, jens (i know jens far too well i think) it
has been a difficult summer but everyone in the show pulled me through at one
time or another. i love and will miss our bitch circle! omg, it was so funny
making fun of people we er... liked less in the show, hehe. books in the
freezer, you guys are evil! beas-ti-ali-ty!!! i will not miss that damn baby. i
will not miss my lame dance moves!!! i will miss chad's backstage re-enactments
(interpretive dances) of all the songs! i'll hop down off this shelf! he is
such a funny guy, i would like for him to know he made me feel better all the
times he talked to me, i hope we stay friends, i hope we all stay friends. (so
never forget, & even if you regret you won't have wasted a moment if you
tried something new and remember, the enchantress made love to the old beggar
woman for fourteen bars. LOL. i love and miss you all!!!!) let's all get drunk
next weekend! yay!
[27 Jul 2005 | Wednesday]
i hate paul
Current mood: rejected
i guess i should start
from the beginning, the only trouble is, finding exactly where it begins. i
have been dating jens (or had been dating rather) for a year and a half
(roughly) we were engaged this last february and i thought everything was fine.
last summer i admit, we had a rough patch, plainly said jens was being
unfaithful to me with other guys, one guy in particular that he was sort of
seeing and a multitude of guys online. (i suppose i should have known when jens
tried to get me to do a threesome with this other guy, who was only like 15 by
the way -- i was discusted and told him
right away i wanted no part in it, he thought it was fine and even got mad when
i wouldn't participate. i mean they were jaking eahcother off and the other guy
was trying to touch me, i mean who the hell does that?) well long story short,
jens stopped seeing the guy, i found out about everything and he wanted to stay
with me. it was a long painful process but we were getting through it. in the
process i disowned some people i had considered friends as they though it was
funny to laugh behind my back and tell jens it was fine to lie to me.
anyway, jens and i were
happy and we were getting married and all this great stuff and when the people
i disowned showed up at the play we were in this summer we got into a huge
fight. i brought up some of the old stuff from last summer because seeing them
again and having him be all friendly towards them opened up some old scars. it
very quickly became him coming out to me, telling me he was leaving me because
he was gay. i couldn't believe it, i was in love with this guy and he is gay?
we cried and it was one of the most difficult things i have ever went through.
somehow we got through the night and the next day, being friends, adjusting to
eachother and our new, different relationship. i was still a bit in denile
and/or dreaming. then i find out jens has his eye on this guy already and they
had been talking days after we broke up. jens was sneaking behind my back and
making phone calls, planning dates, sharing ice cream and telling this other
guy how he thought he was attractive. i also recently found out they kissed the
time i found out about their date and let jens go anyway, eventhough he
promised it was nothing but looking for a camera. well two agonizing weeks
passed and then the guy ruined the day we went to see charlie and the chocolate
factory. we ended up at taco bell and jens totally ignored me and sat by this
guy. i was so pissed i made jens leave and we fought again. later that night we
were going to the premire of the new harry potter book. it was fun until i saw
the guy, well his name is paul, there. i was so pissed and sure he was there to
meet jens. jens didn't come with me though, he stayed home... jens showed up
anyway, abbe called him and he came on over. before he showed up i talked to
paul. it was so hard, i was almost crying the entire time. i told him to stop
hurting me and asked what was going on with him and jens, he lied right to my face,
what a fucker. (he had given jens a necklace with a key on it, nothing's going
on my ass) but anyway... now i sit here a week later, hating him... loathing
him, wanting to call him a faggot and punch him in the face and i have just
given jens premission (i guess) to date him. jens cannot control himself or his
dick. he will go behind my back, which i would hate more so what else could i
do. i am happy to see him happy but, i am so much better than this guy, it
insults our relationship and me for jens to move on so quickly, especially with
this fucker. everyone excuses jens because he came out, that makes no sence to
me, he was practically cheating on me but since he is gay it's fine. no it's
not! fag or not you have no right to treat people that way. now i don't use the
term fag, often it's really not because he's gay, it's because he is being
selfish and terrible. i hate paul i hate him i hate him i hate him. i hope they
are not happy together and jens finds someone better. but for now, i shall be
tortured and replaced by some ugly gay guy with no personality. what a fucking
month. i hate the summertime. ::sigh:: i hope i didn't offend anyone, except
paul, you can crawl into a freaking corner and die, get aids or something, god
i hate him. ::sigh::: geez i guess i really did need to vent. thanks for
listening, please if anyone has any advice, pleeease tell me.
mandy michelle
ps. after i posted thisi
found out much more, i will write about it later but jens emailed paul to tell
him he didn't want to date him for a long time and apparently paul didn't like
that too much so i guess they won't ever, hopefully. i still hate paul, for
more reasons now too. he is just as selfish as i thought and he is smug as
hell. he came to our cast party just to fuck with me i guess. i hate his friend
haley as well, she is a bitch and i'm glad i didn't get to know her better. if
she can know me, even as a mutual friend for two years and then tell me she
doesn't know me so she doesn't care if paul is hurting me then i don't want her
as a friend. i think jens is re-evaluating some of his friendships more
closely, it's good though, you should always know who your true friends are,
and something like this usually brings out people's true characters. guess paul
is just an ASS who only cared about himself. look at the suprised look on my
face. haha yay emoticons!