[13 Dec 2005 |
Tuesday]
must i always be
waiting...
Current mood: annoyed
"must i
always be waiting, waiting for you, must i always be
playing, playing your fool" ...
anyways i
am a fool to think my teacher might show up for the final uhg!
so i came to school at 10
instead of 1 when my other final is and the lady isn't there! we don't even have a test we just have to pick up our
papers, on WEDNESDAY from 1 to 5 well i am busy wednesday so she is going to keep my god-danged-fangled
paper! i don't even care!!!
ok that's a lie i do care but not enough to track my
happy ass back up here (i mean i
have a final at 10 and then i have to get home to get
keys from my grandma and i aint
comin back to school) i
suppose i could turn my books in for a little moola but i can do that today...
*sigh* make my life harder why don't ya ya freaking git.
on an upside Narnia
was GREAT, wonderful and super! i loved it, i thought i would i think jens was suprised that i enjoyed it, it is
totally nerdy so it's right up my alley. also mooner joined us so that was great, we didn't get a lot of
time to talk though. she had to skat right after the
movie (i understand cuz i'm always busy too) and also i
can't get a word in when i'm with both her and jens... i swear if it's anyone
but me he's a freaking chatter box, he acts like he never gets to go out into
public lol.
i have to
work tonight and guess what, jens better do those
freaking dishes. see they have been sitting there (well some of them have, the
others piled up after that and i refuse to do them
again) because jens was supposed to have done those
at thanksgiving, when he ditched me and didn't come home all night after i spent 3 hours cooking dinner. he
better do them, i keep telling him he won't go out
until he does them but he does it anyway... well i
will make sure he does them, he has a night off and he just saw
he-who-must-not-be-named last night so he won't go into withdrawl.
*gross*
anyway, we are going to see king kong tomorrow (should be great) so let me know if anyone
wants to come with us!
i work on sunday,
which is too bad, i wanted to come to the last show
and help with strike, it will be the first play jens
has done strike without me for forever, gosh we've always helped, even with
shows we weren't in... since junior year actually, the
uninvited! lol. back when i was a theatre groupie
and just came to all practices and the shows! i just joined up too late to be casted
or crewed hehe.
blah blah blah
i am wasting time until emily
calls so we can study together... for astronomy (which we have at 1) fun fun, i am getting an A in there,
so if i don't biff the final i
should be set. i am getting
A's in humanities and biology and my best guess for lit is also an A.
psychology i could care less but probably a B, he is
an ass and erm.... what else am i
taking? i think that's it! yayness, almost straight A's for mandy!
i bought bridget jones the other day...
it's sooo good!
here's my week in a nutshell, today and tomorrow are finals,
thursday i am hanging out
with davey (my friend whom i
havn't seen in like a year), sami's
coming into town on friday and we are getting wasted
=) and i don't work until saturday
night and then again sunday, monday
and prolly more next week cuz
i don't have school.
i am still going insane but i am at least happier and more optimistic about it, i am going to be seeing a lot of my friends over break, jb is coming home so that means spending some time with her
and fandi and i am going up
to see sami next weekend, and have to drag jensie along cuz i can't drive it myself... and poor emily
can't go.
anyway i
should begin the studying... yeah no fun but necessary...
<3 mandy
[10 Dec 2005 |
Saturday]
X-mas
wish list!
Current mood: thirsty
any my chemical romance or
nightmare before xmas merchandice
from hot topic, especially the jack skellington
sweatshirt!
anything to do with the new harry potter film, or the soundtrack for prisoner of azkaban.
socks, in colors, stripes or
patters (especially argile-can't spell) but no toe
socks, i have a crap load i
never wear.
the nightmare before xmas special edition on dvd.
the little mermaid or sleeping
beauty on dvd.
edgar allan poe storybook (at barnes & noble)
funky or sexy quwl
jewlery (stars, sparklies)
a barnes
& noble membership... lol like i need that...
ultimate big wishes i will never ever get...
a trip to europe
(i want to see
a sexy new wardrobe
a sexy body, hey you could buy me
plastic surgery, lol.
getting my hogwarts
letter, hey the owl post is just late i tell you!!
getting married, oi lol that should be more of a
new years resolution lol. by
the time i am 30 i shall be
hitched!
a world free of stupid people... if
only
and the ONE RING TO RULE THEM
ALL!!!
[09 Dec 2005 |
Friday]
::blink::
no sleepy
Current mood: awake
well i went to the play by myself
because everyone was busy but it was fun, i sat next
to osty's parents and i got
to see janelle and chad (yayness) and i even got a tour of
the booth so i could reminice
about when i was a techie. *tear* i
want to do theatre soon, but not uni theatre, it is
icky poo! i wish i were still in high school and we still had slink and mom
and i wish that everything would be back the way it
was, the way i loved it. once
i had a family and it was east high theatre. people loved me and i was a big
part of a huge successful show-- i don't know. i like the playhouse but something
is unsettling. i won't
compete for friendship or love and respect. i just won't do it, i know
it will be difficult with my constant feelings of inadiquacy
(did i spell that even close to right?) oh well. i will talk about this more in depth later, for now i must venture off to my lit exam ::bore:: ::yawn:: i got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night and i work third shift tonight!!! gah-ness!
[07 Dec 2005 |
Wednesday]
bloggy blog blog
Current mood: cold
i put my
picture of crazy potato claws up as my profile pic
again, i love that one, takes me back. yeah sami stopped in at happy chef
for about 3 hours lol. it
was fun though.... it was her, kodie, derrek and i, the three nerdiest people ever. i
even felt a little better... i have been so sick.
anyone let me know if they can go with me to the best christmas
pagent ever, i have an
extra ticket for thursday, bah... i
dont want to feel alienated at the playhouse so if
you are in my way, you know who you are, MOVE OVER. you
will not take my life away from me any longer, you will not make me hate being
me!
fuck yall
bitches! and hit yo bitch up
when ya get a min. LOL. im cracka-lackin... and suprisingly, not on any drugs. yippie skippie for being
delusional!
[04 Dec 2005 |
Sunday]
update
Current mood: drained
finals are soon approaching and i may be dead to all for the next week and a half. if you would like to hang out let me know! i am free after the wednesday of
finals week... that would be... i'm not sure but by
the 17th i know for sure... anyway i am up for doing pretty much anything, movies, mall,
killing spree, you name it... but no freaking thing to do with the snow, my
house, car, school and work have been a big igloo for days now! (though i think the heater finally
kicking in in the house.. woo whoo)
our car is broken lol, who didn't see that coming! you can survive until spring Krudler!
oh well. i
guess my life is just a random assortment of good and bad, mostly bad recently
but shifting to a middle ground and hopefully soon to mostly good! i am going to see the play, jens
is going to give me his invitational dress ticket so hopefully mooner will score one... ::wink wink::
osty! that would be cool, i want to go with someone i know.
it will be the first play i've
actually went to go see in a long time... i think the
last was buddy holly, which was a great show. as long
as jens remembers to turn the lights on the show
should be fine! i have to go
to work now... bah coffee and cigarettes... great movie btw, you should see it,
i now own it, mainly because of the sexy jack white
from the white stripes... woot!
[17 Nov 2005 |
Thursday]
the truth
Current mood: blah
i guess i am feeling better finally, after about a week or so of
being depressed everyday. i
got mad at everything... i talked to jens though and i just want
people to understand my feelings. i
shouldn't be excluded because i am going through
tough times, i thought that was when people should
love you the most. emily
really has helped me get through the last couple of days, though even that is
hard because of her relationship with you-know-who. its
hard trying to make friends and get your life back together when you dont feel as it people care.
i know
there are people who care and i know that i dont always act like i want to be friendly but i do. i need for people to reach out to
me a little too, i am trying but am not very good at
it. jens has made a mistake.
he thinks that it is ok for him to completely keep me
away from his boyfriend, which would work was it not for us having mutual
friends who always go out with him rather than me. this
is unfair and i am shocked jens
thought that was what i wanted or needed. i hate paul
but do i have a reason not to? no none at all, he is
dating my ex-fiance, he is taking up time i should have, he is bogarting my
friends and now even making me apprehenvie about
going back to the playhouse, how many of them will chose him over me? i mean do i
have any reason to like him or try to be friends with him at all? no, he has never shown any interest in trying to make things
easier on me. he is reaping all the benefits of my
suffering and he can't even be man enough to apologize for puting
me through all that hell. im sorry i dont think it would kill him to
open up to me and attempt to make amends for everything that has happened, i can not always be the scapegoat... if he wants things to
go smoother with him and jens then i need to get a little respect and understanding. thats all there is to it. if he doesnt want to try and fix
this mess they have both caused then i guess he will
have to wait a year until i move out to be rid of me,
i guess that goes for jens
as well.
[12 Nov 2005 |
Saturday]
yay lethargic,
what a great emoticon!
Current mood:
lethargic
yeah so i
entered this contest in the paper about winning free tickets to hp on thurs night... so yeah i hope
someone can go with me cuz i
have to go to waverly and i
have no idea where that is.. .i mean the theatre...
oh who knows i may not win and have to shell out the
money anyway... might be cheaper just to pay for that rather than gas lol. i
am dragging jens on friday
or saturday... not sure which yet. i might go to both since sami is coming to town... i don't
know which one she wants to go to. i
should make her drag her happy ass down here for thursday
lol. that would be hillarious. is the waverly theatre nice?if its
crappy i might just forget about it.. and spend the extra to see it in cf.
oh i got an A on my bio and psych
tests last week, nearly an A for astro... about as
close as anyone gets to an A lol, and yeah fairly
sure i scored high on humanities but havn't gotten that one back yet. i will let ya know. i have a lit test on mon and then i should be done
until finals week.... yayness!!
anyone talk to me... im lonesome lol. jensie and i
are hanging out today... sound fun... we watched school of rock this morning hehe. i
am having a great time being friends with him i think
once all of this settles and i eventually stop hating
horse-face things should be good. not that i will
like him.... he hasn't earned that yet, he still doesn't care if what he does
hurts me so why should i care about him? i shouldn't.
he better not ruin this next
weekend since the book and wonka was a disaster i just want to be free of thinking about all that for one
freaking weekend.
no one else has shown interest in
wanting to go with me to potter except sami and
thane, lol harry potter in
the flesh!
bah i am
almost out of time on this crummy computer hehe.
[10 Nov 2005 |
Thursday]
untitled
Current mood:
energetic
i hate that you have to put a
subject line in there, it usually deters people from reading my blogs as my subjects are always snappy and right to the
point (there's no reason reading a blog that says
"i hate the world" because you know i hate the world, the world is a bastard lol)
ok just a little bit of random
musings... ah, random.
i am
sitting behind jens in the library... stalking him as
usual, lol. he's on myspace too, that dork.
oh well school is almost over for
another week, i have a psych test tomorrow and i work but then sat is all mine to be lazy... after i finish my work for lit. all this
is boring and i don't mean to bore you.
WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK... AND...
ROLL.
ha now it's in your head too, see ya later bitches!
[09 Nov 2005 |
Wednesday]
woot!
Current mood: dorky
in a nutshell. 4 tests, an overdraw, an ebay addiction and
a very long walk all over campus... that was my week or so.
yeah no more about boring mediocracy, i don't know if i spelled that right but yes, potter my dears ITS COMING
THE PRECIOUS IS COMING. sweeettnesss!!!
saw another trailor
and bought a few... ok like FOUR magazines, rupert is
hott and i am obsessed. i am in the process of reading book 4 eventhough
i am very busy it is good, i
long to read 6 again soon. but yeah.
anyone interested in going... it's the 18th... osty you better be there i am
counting on you to make me not look so bad, oh what the hell i don't even care. everything in
my life sucks but it's freaking potter!!!!
[02 Nov 2005 |
Wednesday]
my feelings
i am
tired. mostly from school i
suppose. i had a long day
even if i did sleep in and miss psychology.
i am so
excited for harry potter to come out. that is the only thing keeping me going. i want to go at midnight if they have a showing even
if i have to drag sami down
from
on a crappier note. i hate almost everyone i know right now. oh and fyi my mom is a retard, got drunk on her psych and anxiety
meds and got carted off to the hospital last night. she
is in detox now and may need to go to
something has to be done and i don't know if i am strong
enough to do it. i am not
going to let people walk all over me anymore. i can't do it, for my own sanity i
need to stand up for what i need and deserve. i hope all the people who are
hurting me now are utterly miserable and alone in the long run so i can laugh and experience the sweet victory of knowing
plainly- i am better than them. and
they know who they are. you can't open a pandora's box and expect everything to fly right back in,
you opened a door or rage, embarrassment and a feeling of complete hatred. you can't wish the will of the strong and fucked-over away.
i will
prevail over the evils that have infiltrated my life. i always have. jens
you can either be my best friend or you can send me out of your life, but don't
tell me one thing and another something else. you need
to get your stuff together before you can start to heal, if people don't
understand that then they need to get the hell out. same
goes for me, i am doing what i
need to survive at this point in time, let's hope the healing doesn't involve
violence, for either or all parties. there comes a
point where i must say i
cannot merely survive, as i am and i have, i must flourish because i am an amazing creature. through devastation
i learn patience and acceptance and through deception
i learn to be weary of any man who claims to love
you. if i have learned
anything from all of this it is that i will never
again show my whole, true, honest self to anyone because i
can trust no one.
the only people i consider my
un-questioned friends are currently sami, kate, the hc girls, jen, andy, and a few random
people (none of whom i share too deeply with) and as
far as i see it everyone else has betrayed me in one
small way or another.
if you are my un-questioned friend i ask you to be honest to me and for my own good. i don't need fake friends, and for
all of you who were only my friend because i was jens' girlfriend, you can go snuff it- i
don't need PITY FRIENDS.
same goes for you jens. love me because of all the
things we have been through and all the things we've done together. not because you are guilty for what you did to me.
this blog
was basically me having a go at my craziness, feel free to read it, hate it,
agree or disagree with it. i
don't apologize for any of it because these are my feelings.
[29 Oct 2005 |
Saturday]
p-a-r-t-y and work at 10am!!!
Current mood: amused
thats the
only way to do it, i am going to a halloween party with sami, and
for a while jensie because evil WORK dang you hardees!!! oh well he should have
a little time to have fun before he goes to burger hell. oh
well i am just glad one person i
wanted will be there, and hey we are gunna see who
gets sexy chad first lol. she can have emily's cousin mike
and i will take chad *wink*
alright. he is so weird and randomly crazy, he once
totally sang a song called "can't find the clitoris" and i loved it. i
fell in love with him at the concert his band played at reverb like a year
ago... they had a song called oatmeal cream pie lol. he is really my type but sadly i
don't think i am his. this
is ok. i realized that a lot
of people are interested in me, i just don't have
interest in them... let's see if i can name a few,
from work... brent and billy
and aj a little, maybe not anymore. and then there is
thane who is fun to hang out with but i dated him
once and i'm starting to think that's enough, plus he
is still in high school and does't have a car... not
that that really bothers me but i don't want to
hinder any of his plans and i talked to him about
maybe moving to iowa city and he wasn't very happy so
i don't think it would be good to date him when i am thinking of moving in a year. then
there is robert... who does work with me but i don't think he likes me, he likes to try and grope me lol. did i
spell that right? i don't
know i just am not interesting, it is flattering but
all of these guys... i think there are a few more
than that actually (how sad how people pity me lol)
none of them are like confident or overly showing affection to me. i really want to be swept off my
feet and have someone who i toatally
adore, not someone who i grow to love, like jens. i mean jens
and i were only friends when we started dating, i didn't even like him like that until a couple of weeks
into our relationship... the first time after that party at my house when he
forgot something and had to come back in. i was
laying in bed and then i opened my eyes and there he
was... looking at me, i kissed him... we had kissed
before (in truth or dare eariler that night lol) but at that moment i knew i was in love with him. i need to feel that connection again or else i am not putting myself through more dating hell. so yeah. i
need to feel the chemistry!
speaking of i
have like 3 tests next week lol. i
better go... i have to pick up sami
and i told her i would take
her out for lunch... ::grumble grumble:: i am sooo hungry!
everyone have a HAPPEE HALLOWEEN!
[28 Oct 2005 |
Friday]
ooooo
hollow-weenie
Current mood: bouncy
grr
people keep ditching me lol. stupid
hardees says jens has to
work sat too bad thats the day hes
been planning to go to emily's party for weeks and
even took it off. i know why though, they are pissed
about him taking wed off (he wanted to go clubbing) and then he didn't want to
so we sat at home and now we prolly wont both be able
to go to the halloween party. i
guess its not too bad but i don't know if sami is coming for sure... i mean
i know a lot of people will be there and emily's party's are always really fun but i dunno... i
wanted someone there i knew like kind of well. oh well screw you world you won't take me down.
i work
tonight and will unleash hell on any drunk rude person who walks through that
door!! hell yeah.
i'm
tired... lol
[26 Oct 2005 |
Wednesday]
old poetry
Current mood:
accomplished
What is it to feel
the pane
Retrace the veins of a raindrop on a window;
remain at the pane in much distain
--
softly remember the rainbow at the end.
Letter
Enveloped in an envelope going out to you
hoping to catch you just before the
afternoon
I wish for you to sip your tea
and think of me
as you lick the spoon.
My corners bent I am imperfect
but you take me anyway.
Putting me on your shelf
holding me
ever-so-close-to-your-heart.
So close that when I breathe you in
I melt from the inside
like the butter on your knife.
To me a taste of your lips
is the sweetest nectar of life
I take you in, all that I can
until I'm overfull.
Your scent, your taste, your very soul
makes me full, again and again.
Notice my careful script; read between my lines
to find what I really mean.
To you I've left my heart unfolded.
Unwind
Staring off the edge of a precipice
wound in worry of a promise gone
spoiled,
never expecting an ending like
this,
lingering and longing to be untied
from these binds.
What is the trouble
of this devastated mind
take a drink
take a bit to unwind
Hanging off the edge of a bedpost
wounds weighing on my dropping
head,
never expected this to work,
wishing, once I could have escaped
myself.
What isn't the trouble
of this disease?
Take a drink as I slip the noose
no time to think.
Hanging here in my room
on a lazy afternoon.
Takes nothing more to unwind.
Pretend, Pretend
Where have all my friends gone?
What have I done wrong?
I was trying to be strong,
I've been weak for so long.
I fell into my own trap,
I can hear you all laugh,
what I've learned is just that,
to be yourself -- is suicide,
because something in you has to
die.
Pretend -- Pretend,
to keep your friends.
Or, live your honest life, Alone.
I Never Was
When I look back
at this life I've lived,
I think that it might be true,
the only single lovely thing
I ever had -- was you.
Hold this breaking heart,
sometimes it's just too difficult
to carry on.
Maybe it's too late for me
to be a good person;
Why try to save what doesn’t exist.
Why try to bring back what was never there.
Sometimes I wish I never was.
Anything.
Chill
Chill --
I can see my breath in the air.
The frost clings, as death holds on forever.
Never letting me go.
Nighttime is peaceful enough, I
will not wake up --
and I do not care.
It is cold, I can feel the blood
rushing in my veins begin to freeze
And the terrible rhythmic beating of my heart starts to slow
then cease.
Evil-wrought iron bars -- keep me in your arms,
my ever lonely prince of death.
So long it has been since I first transgressed upon your
eternal rest.
It feels dead, every numbing moment
I spend in your hands.
A grain of sand -- disappears from this timely hourglass,
I have trudged through deserts thus far,
I go onward, endlessly, with no fear, knowing many more will
come.
I cannot escape your grip -- it holds me to you, so close,
we touch.
We travel oceans, upon your ghost ship-- lonely days
followed by lonely nights crawl by.
Just he and I, from sunset to sunrise -- thinking,
remembering remorsefully,
--how I died.
Summer Autumn & Winter, Almost 1 Year
I look into a mirror and fall through,
emptiness.
there is coolness in my expression
and darkness behind my eyes...
like the time in the driveway
you shook me
Tell me you won't,
promise,
I still wanna be your friend -- or
the time on the phone
you told me you didn't love me...
did you lie?
are you lying now?
pillow soaked in tears or blood
reaching above for something to
hold.
Am I going to die?
I feel it running through me!!
shame!
resentment!
devastation!
revelation!
pain!
guilt!
broken and used!!!
I trusted your hands not to crush my heart
but you've ripped it into pieces
like the journals that I found.
why are you hiding?
where does the mask end and skin
begin?
is it all an act again?
like the time you said you'd stop
lying,
the time you promised just because
I was crying.
what if all my fears within begin
to resurface yet again,
what if he comes back?
and catches your eye?
how am I supposed to let go...
when you won't look at me and give
me a Straight answer.
tell me, please I need to know,
will you leave again?
are you really happy?
Cast Away
Like a flower dying slowly,
like a drying river that is still
flowing,
I hold on,
hold on for dear life,
as this world brings to me pain and
strife,
what is to become of my dreams,
I am going to leave with out anything it seems,
and in the midst of staring eyes,
I take a final breath as my dreams are cast away.
let me know what you think of any
or all of them. remember i
wrote most of these in high school, the most recent one is still about a year
ago. maybe i will post some
recent ones if i ever write em'.