[26 Oct 2005 |
Wednesday]
i was angry
Current mood: blah
last blog
i was angry but that doesn't mean i
didn't mean what i said. jens and i are going to
talk tonight so hopefully all this will resolve. hopefully.
please read
Current mood:
depressed
if everyone thinks i am the problem then they can get out of my life. i am tired of having people say
one thing to my face and then acting another way when i
am not around. (you know who you are) i have feelings and emotions like everyone else and if
everyone thinks that jens would be better off without
me they may get their wish. PAUL is NOT being a good person or friend he stole
my life away from me and feels no remorse as a good person would. it is not right. JENS is selfish and i
live with the fact that he didn't think i was good
enough because i don’t have a dick every day of my
life. (well i am good enough, in fact, better and i hope he dies knowing that i am
the best he could ever get) i hope the two of them have a very miserable life and get
disowned like i am being disowned. i am tired of being
"friends" with people who obviously like him better than me. I DON'T
NEED YOU, ANY OF YOU I DESERVE MUCH BETTER. and jens
you have broken your promises so many times... i
don't know what to do anymore.... if everything else is more important to you i wish i would have killed myself
when i had the chance.
hope i
never see any of you ever again. have a nice day.
[24 Oct 2005 |
Monday]
i told myself i wouldn't blog
Current mood: gloomy
i told myself i
wouldn't blog, i would only
check my messages because i am really behind on my
reading for lit class and i missed about 2 days of
school last week but i just have to get some of this
out, i’m about to explode.
i don't
know if i can handle living with jens
anymore, in fact i don't know if i
can even handle seeing his face. i
am just so alone, so abandoned. no one seems to
understand what it feels like to be left. if they did
maybe i would be the one people wanted to hang out
with and be friends with. iv'e
just come to the realization that most people just thought of me a 'jens' girlfriend' and with the exception of a few people,
almost singularly osty they haven’t talked to me
since jens broke up with me.
i can't
keep living in a world that is so unfair. i mean i can deal with my childhood, a lot of people have stuff
like that happen to them and you just need to get over it and not worry so much
because when you become an adult it doesn't do you any good to remember some of
that stuff, no matter how messed up it is.
but then there is all the stuff
that's happened since then, all the people who have hurt you and messed you up,
and you don't have anywhere to go or anyone to depend on. my
only release was hurting myself but when that doesn't work, what else can you
do?
i could
stand losing kyle, just barely. i could understand that he saved his sister... i accept that he had to die because he was a hero. i was so lonely after he left, he
alone brought me out of the depths of depression when my mom spent the first
half of that summer in the mental health ward-- leaving me all alone away from
all my friends. even my boyfriend at the time, wes (ass) wouldn't keep me company or even talk to me.
then god swooped down and stole my
good friend away... someone who fell asleep on the phone with me and would
listen for hours and give me the best and most loving advice.
that's fine, that was, god over two
years ago... almost over 3 years...
but then jens
came into my life, and became a big part of my life. he
told me he would never leave me, we would be together forever and i truly believed we were soul mates. he made me feel that
my past was worth the pain and hurt because now i had
him and he could kiss away any affliction, cast away any demon in my mind.
what happened? he trampled my soul,
ripped out my heart and condemned me to the foulest pit of self-loathing and despair,
utter and complete worthlessness all because i am a
woman. because i would have
given him children and a happy life, because my happiness was his happiness and
my ignorance to his selfishness was bliss.
what is left for me now? watching him with someone else, most undeserving of the
improvements i have made to jens.
as he no longer lies, cheats or hurts, as to my knowledge and you can give that
thanks to me, i have endured a lifetime of this boys
"love" and now that he is so damn capable i
am the one who gains nothing from it.
i thought
for once i had found someone who loved me for who i am, or was. now i see little resemblance to the person i
once saw in the mirror.
i hate
this and i hate them. how
dare they flaunt what i can never have what has
always been taken from me. WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE.
[13 Oct 2005 |
Thursday]
today i ate a banana
Current mood: nerdy
seriously that's all that's in the
house. we're out of food. i think we have a roman, and some tea and a banana
and ... oh yeah like 5 bags of microwave popcorn lol.
i hope i can come up with
the money for saturday... i
have to make at lease $40, enough to cover our admission for the haunted thingy
and enough for gas and enough for some freaking food until tue
when i get paid... oh crap make that $60 (which i won't make in a million years)
i skipped
class today. i dont care i was tired.
bleh to
you, blasted skewl with your blasted tests. and blast you home with your freaking banana's and coldness.
oh and get this... jens likes metaphorical banana's but won't freaking touch a
real one. all the banana's i
bought were bigger than jens and only like 49 cents a
pound, that's a really good deal.
lol i am on crack... as usual. gotta study for test... one more left!!!
[11 Oct 2005 |
Tuesday]
damn stress weasels
Current mood: crappy
yeah i
said it, stress weasles, why did i
say it? i have no idea. but yeah anyway. i just had my
humanities test, pretty easy, i might have missed 3
or 4 and that would be more than i missed last
time... i couldn't remember this obscure name from
something we never talked about and there wasn't a dedication page in
Frankenstein for the question about the dedication of the book lol. but yeah oh well. i have psych tomorrow, haven’t
studied yet and i WORK today gwaaarrr.
oh and a astronomy test on friday,
super fun. i am studying
with emilllaay before lab on wednesday
for that one and i should... key word SHOULD do ok on
both of those tests.
i try to
keep myself busy so i don't think about anything i shouldn’t be thinking about. this
morning i had a dream sort of about jens. i
have a guilty feeling when i have them but they are
just dreams, it's not as though i have sexual dreams
or anything, they are usually obscure and weird like all of my dreams they just
show me in a happier time, with jens. i mean actually with him.
it is hard to move on but i have some good news. i actually have in interest. though
it is someone i could probably never get he at least
knows i exist and flirts with me and actually called
me last night. his name is robert,
he is a manager at happy chef. it makes me happy to be
around him because he distracts me from my problems... i
mean its nice just to have someone outside of the situation who is just being a
friend to me. which is a lot more than i can say for
certain other people, well i won't go there and won't
name names but the truth is, i just don't have a lot
of friends. sami and kate are in
i should
be studying but i have too much on my mind. i'm planning on going to emily pieper's hallows eve party lol. it sounds like so much fun. i have a feeling jens may ditch me for other people but ya
know what who cares i need to get used to that.
oh yeah we've been fighting. i just can't stand the way he
treats me sometimes ya know. i have done everything for him, what do i ask for in return? not as much
as a should, really.
to be honest i'm
fed up with it but there is just nothing i can do, i have to wade it out and see what happens. maybe the prospect of new romance and and
the end of this week and these blasted tests will make my outlook brighter.
p.s. sam wants gumby's
gummy-rod. lol. take that suki!!! (just to make sure you're still reading)
[05 Oct 2005 |
Wednesday]
Affirmation
Current mood:
determined
i know i can do anything i want to. i know i
return to the person i once was and wish to be again,
i know it is not lost but hiding and hurt and my
beauty overpowers all my pain.
i want to
be a writer again, after not writing anything seriously for about a year or
two. i was looking back at
my poetry and my novel ideas and i thought, why not i need to do it.
my first new work in progress is a
life work. so you can finally really know how messed
up i am. it's entitled
"worthy of love" because that's what my name means and that's what i hope to see myself as, someday soon.
it's going to go through my life in
a scattered array of stories or memories ending with how i
feel right now... and i promise there won't be some
sappy retarded conclusion, just a sappy retarded title is enough for me.
i am
dedicating my book to kyle and possibly a few other
people i haven't decided on yet.
i hope
for it to be my only auto-biographical work, for the rest of my books i would like to come up with a great series, maybe become
the next j.k. rowling! oh god... i am going to be late
for class, lol. i
am going to be so busy the next week or two so i
can't start on that yet. but hopefully soon i can outline it for you.
and sam,
you better stop smoking ya tard,
i will come to
[28 Sep 2005 |
Wednesday]
alone again, naturally...
Current mood: crushed
well it's wednesday,
no work, lab, school and possibly jensie time, all in
all not a bad deal. i don't know the day started off
kind of crappy (i can't park for one) i left my car door unlocked and it is rainy (i like rain just not for my long ass walk to class) well
it's going better now...
i still
don't know how to feel. i
feel like every positive thing i do reaps negative
connotations. nothing good ever seems to happen. i dedicate myself completely to
someone, give them everything they could possibly want and *bam* i am left alone, again.
that's just me isn't it? alone again, naturally. *hums tune* but what can i do, i am stuck at a crossroads,
if i don't support jens and his new, *deep breath* boyfriend i am pretty much shutting myself out of his life altogether.
it's not like i can't handle
him being with someone, eventually. i
just can't completely handle it now, so soon, when i
need him, when i don't have anyone else around. sami is in
school is going well, work is going
well... my personal life is a piece of crap. that
seems to be the way it is for me, if one or two things are going well,
everything else is in the... well you know.
jens told
me he wanted to go to a club the other night, and he wanted to go with me
before he went with paul. i spent the better part of the time i've known and dated him trying to get him to go to a club
with me. i have a feeling
this is the first of many changes. i
just don't want it to happen. why should i have had to put in all the work, why did he have to lie
to me and ruin me before he gets to go on and be all happy when i am miserable?
a few people take my mind off of
things, though. robert.
::sigh:: it is so high school of me to have a crush on someone like robert but him flirting with me makes me feel better, as
though someone might find me at least a tiny bit attractive. (and good enough to date) as if. i
know better, i'm not a great beauty but i've got class and personality ::shakes fist:: a hell of a
lot more than most girls out there. i
shouldn't have to be attractive to be respected and i
shouldn't have to get hit on be eighty-year-old-men either!
there is absolutely nothing wrong
with me. maybe for once everyone else is the problem! i can't help it that my fiance
left me, he digs sausages-- that doesn't mean i
wasn't dynamo in the sack!! gosh dang it!!!!!
[23 Sep 2005 |
Friday]
generic ponderings 101
Current mood: calm
i can't
wait to see corpse bride this weekend (hopefully saturday)
it was supposed to be me and jens' date night but i guess now were all going with the group, i invited mooner so, yeah. i have a test today in lit... it
should go alright and guess what? i
got a 49/50 on my humanities test, super sexy. jens and i are going out to
lunch after we stop in to see emily at jag's. so i guess it should be an alright
day (until i go into work tonight at 5 lol) but i get off at 11 so that
will be great. sleeeeep time
=)
i'm blabbing on when i should be studying, oh well if i
don't know it now, chances are good that i still
won't know it 20 mins from now when i take my test. muhahaha.
i was sad the other day i was listening to me and kyle's
song.... i think about him in the weirdest times....
if you didn't know kyle was my best buddy (and kind
of .... er boyfriend thingy) a couple of summers ago
but he is gone now, he saved his little sister dena
from drowning in the river and the river took him under. i get sad when i think
about him but also happy because i know he wants
people to remember him. and i
do, i miss him a lot.
[21 Sep 2005 |
Wednesday]
yesterday
Current mood:
apathetic
all my troubles seemed so far away,
now i need a place to hide away. yeah
im stealing a line from the greats but who cares, who
reads this anyhow?
i guess things are alright, we all
talked last night -- though i didn't get exactly what
i wanted (well i never
could have gotten that) i got a better understanding
of the situation, and i am a kind of person that
needs to know. i still feel
that people may be tip-toeing around me, i guess the
general idea is that i am very intimidating. now i don't know how i feel about people thinking of me as intimidating, crazy,
and needy, but that is how they feel.
if anything was learned it's that i don't like dishonesty. i don't like people talking behind my back and i surely hate being laughed at.
i am
still broken. i mean my life
is still utterly torn apart from what it was, only three short agonizing months
ago. i can move on, i can heal, to some capacity at least. having
jens as my best friend truly helps, i don't think he knows how much strength he gives me.
i have
realized that maybe i was miserable with jens, not me but my soul. i gave my whole self completely to jens but he hurt me, many times. maybe
i was not the great person i
let myself think i was but i
did, and do love jens. it
was killing me on the inside, no having jens completely
there with me and the truth is, it wasn't my fault. no
matter what it was jens who didn't want to or
couldn't love me. maybe for once it wasn't my fault
that someone didn't love me.
what does this mean for me now? i have no idea. i guess now jens
is with paul. (yes that hurt
a little even to admit it, i can't even say it out
loud yet) and that leaves me alone. but this time i will like myself more, treat myself better and make sure
that my abounding love is returned by some worthy person. for
now, jens remains my best friend, ex, roommate, and
yet the one person that tortures me the most.
all i
want is for his happiness and to me that is the hardest thing to give him. if it means that i am not what
makes him happy then i have to let him find it for
himself. i just ask that he
always remember -- everything and never let it get lost, for i won't ever forget him or -- us.
[19 Sep 2005 |
Monday]
boredism, what
the shiftless bums pay dues to...(?)
Current mood: crazy
i am on crack, ok not really that
subject, no idea what part of my arse i pulled that gem from ::oooo a nickel!::
i find it funny, no make that HILLARIOUS that people blog about little old moi. jens honestly if you weren't so PMSy
this weekend everyone would have had a goooood old
time (not that we didn't have fun at sami's but jeeze) take some responsibly for being bitchy (cuz i always have to--- oh i forgot it's MY fault that people are jerks to me and
dislike me-- my mistake)
honestly i'm
not even upset, i'm not ticked or mildly provoked i am just tired of everything. for
once i would like to be the one allowed a little
insane behavior. whatever i want to get out little
"talk" over with so i at least know if i should pack (if i'm going to be
thrown out on my ass if i don't agree with or approve
of or whatever everyone wants from me) i want to be
treated like I matter. notice the capital
on the brighter side i got a b
(near a on psychology test-- i wasn't worried, i wish i knew what i missed though, all i got was my
student number and a number out of 50 on a chart-- college is so personally
obscure and ::yawn:: sleepy not making sense.
oh well, if i
die you'll be the one to burry me, at least i'll get
flowers for once in my life (not wilty ones for my
birthday-- either)
[15 Sep 2005 | Thursday]
stormy weather
Current mood: discontent
well first thing's first. my apartment is smelly and wet. yea
that's right, my celing is about to fall
WOOOOPPPIEEE. i guess it
isn't that bad, jens and i
were moved to a place down the hall (sexy) and it's a hell of a lot nicer than
our apartment lol. but on
the downside that meant that poor jensie has been
moving crap and not sleeping well at all. i
keep telling him to slow down and rest but it's just not in him, if something
needs to be done, he's the person that will do it. i have been trying to help it's just been so hard, i have three tests this week (well i
just had one and i have two tomorrow) humanitites, psychology and astronomy. bah.
plus i am depressed kind of
and i just don't feel like doing anything so by that
baseline, i have been doing a lot. i think i
did really well on my test though, yeah at least a b.
ho hum. i can't wait for this weekend, a little time to relax
and spend time with people i like... no work until sunday *(that's really nice) and hopefully, no big problems
until then either.
i should
be studying for my next tests right now but this is just soooo
much more fun. heh. i dunno i
feel better and worse, i just can't stop thinking
about how it used to be between jens and i. it makes me sad to know that we won't be like we were,
ever again.
i wish
that people would be nicer to me. i
think just because i took things relatively well
people think i don't need help or friendship, it's
just the opposite. i mean i need empathy and compassion even more now that i'm down and vulnerable. people perceive me as this bitch
who doesn't care about anyone but herself when in reality i
may be a bitch but it's only because i have so long
neglected my own feelings and needs. just look at my
family, who else has had to watch their mother slowly spiral down and become
unrecognizable as the person who raised you? who else
has been moved around and unwanted so many times? who
else just recently lost everything she wanted in the world after going through
so much agony to hold onto it? i'm not saying i'm the only one going through things, i
know a lot of people have it much worse, all i'm
saying is no one takes the time to ask what's wrong or befriend me. i mean i
should be the person people care about and feel sorry for right? not that i want pity, far from that, i
just want people to notice me and notice that i don't
let people in because they don't care and don't want to take the time to
understand me. so if you are that person that still
cares for me, please send me a hope, mine's flew away and gone...
[09 Sep 2005 |
Friday]
nothing much
Current mood: content
life is good, alright, nothing to
complain about. sami is
coming down this weekend! yayness,
someone to torture muahaha. i do work all freaking weekend but hey i'll have enough time for studying and fun and then next
weekend, PARTY!!! woot woot. bah have to get to class....
[01 Sep 2005 |
Thursday]
a quiz
Current mood: crazy
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying,
insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you
are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the
expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you
are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely
clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends
easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules,
worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes
leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at
saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working,
emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous
it sounds like me....