poetry x moi
Of A Summer Left Unfinished
i was not late for my departure
it came too soon for me.
holding onto warm summer evenings.
strawberry fires delight
just as I light
the wick of one more navy candles night.
the lot is vacant
vision is failing (or unsure).
auburn hair waves to me
or it is just the wind blowing.
predestination in her stride
already half-way there
my heart unrestrained by
weight of my past.
i run
to snag her arm
& tame her unruly hair
With my hands.
strawberry soft and sweet at my lips
but her expression is dire
shes running away
at what price have I
indulged my own hearts desire?
at what cost have I put out
her raging fire?
wild strawberry bleeds at my hands.
What I feel
You are beside me
I am drawn to your lips just as a dying flower to dew
You envelope me
In a soft gentle way
Hands resting on my hips
The only thing holding me to this world
I see you in a haze as though I am a dreamer waking
To see her love for the first time
These eyes can not judge you
They only want to gaze at you
When you shy away you are even more alluring
Why do you hinder to this feeling
You are beside me
I am in your hands gasping and sighing
You turn from me as though in pain
But you can not feel my own twinge
At this, the subtle hint of your rejection
Am I to forever linger waiting to be captured in your eyes
As only an image that doesn’t move or think or love?
Perfection is impossible when your ideal woman cannot speak to you
When she cannot whisper all these things I want to tell you.
For now I will meet you secretly the only place we may ever be together
But that place is all the sweeter
With rather than without you.
You are so close to me but you hold your heart at a distance
Don’t you see that I would accompany your lonely heart?
Don’t you feel I deserve a chance
To give to you what you’ve never had?
For now it is enough just to speak these words and hope that you know
They are going out to only you.
Remebering You on Stage
I watch from far away
in darkness, coldness condemned to stay
I watch the light play on your eyes
as you come to realize
you stole my heart
when you stole the stage.
In the Deepness, In the Stillness
In the deepness
in the stillness,
I hear you breathe
I know I'm alive.
It doesn't matter if youre far
I find you deep within my heart.
In the deepness
in the stillness
of my mind,
I see you laugh, but know you cry.
Why keep hiding?
Why keep running?
No use trying
to lose me.
I'm under the influence,
I'm to deep to pull back.
I'm here, waiting.
Waiting for an open door,
longing for you to give me more.
In the deepness
in the stillness
of your gentle kiss,
I see our past pain,
future bliss
I know you might not love me,
but i know i have to try.
in the deepness
in the stillness,
I swallowed the sky,
tasted the moon and the stars
then breathed them out,
watched as they glowed with aradescent emptiness
until your light shone on them
and gave them life.
You shine on me
breathe on me,
speak to me
turn from me.
But in the deepness
in the stillness of my heart,
you still exist
you're still mine
we end up together,
we have everytime.
It's Meant to Be
A million times I swear
I wish I were where you are
close to you,
in your arms.
We could be anyone,
anything,
if we believe
so deep.
We can fly
we can sink,
just jump,
don't think.
A thousand times I know
I wish I could kiss your mouth,
drown in you,
stay as long as you'd allow.
We could mix
be so sweet,
if as much as I want you
you wanted me.
We can laugh
we can cry,
just let go
don't ask why.
It's meant to be.
It's meant to be.
Me with you,
you with me.
haikus
winter I can feel winter,
I have felt its cold, dead hands,
and even saw it kill.
silence of the night
into the dark woods
in the silence of the night
i hear death, calling
Rambling in my journal again...
I’m sitting here tonight wondering where to begin. I am uninspired and so very tired days go on for hours, oh Lord is it the other way around… countless pleasures bring much pain and feed into my emptiness. Friends, the lonely thought of any, drives me to grief, but if you’d taste a tear of it, it would be almost bittersweet.
For Karl
I try again and again
to relinquish this angst within.
I turn at the sensation of breath on my neck
but no one’s there.
Return to me, as though it could be, just you and me;
my father, my eyes, why did you leave?
In the torment, I find an answer
I wasn’t good enough for you,
I wasn’t your only little girl.
This child, so fragile, has grown in her hate,
feeling every moment of her existence -- was a mistake.
Everyone says they love her, but everyone is fake.
What made you slither away, you conniving snake?
You are a coward, you are a memory I never had
You are my drug-addict father, my biological dad.
You are so many late birthday gifts -- that never came,
You are the sharp, slicing knife that adds to my pain.
Every time I think of you, a prick jabs my heart,
A rose-like color flows from the wounds that continue to grow,
I bleed from my need, to know where you are.
You vanished like the summer,
replaced by winter’s harsh kiss.
You left my life so cold, so empty, and I was only your own!
I am your broken, worthless offspring,
I am predestined to be alone, as you have left me.
What hope still lies in my angry grey eyes
is spent on the fantasies of someone loving me, not leaving me.
How I hate to be alone.
I’m trying to forgive so I can live, a happy life without my resentment.
But I hate that you left, I hate that I paid for your crimes,
I hate that you’re fine, I’m not.
Why won’t you suffer, and take your own consequence, why me?
Why all this pain inside?
You were never around, then why do I miss you?
What I hate most about you is that I don’t want my life without you.
I hate that I’m hating this image in my head --
and I’m hating myself for wishing you dead.
Chill
Chill --
I can see my breath in the air.
The frost clings, as death holds on forever.
Never letting me go.
Nighttime is peaceful enough, I won’t wake up --
and I don’t care.
It’s cold, I can feel the blood rushing in my veins begin to freeze
And the terrible rhythmic beating of my heart starts to slow then cease.
Evil-wrought iron bars -- keep me in your arms,
my ever lonely prince of death.
So long it’s been since I first transgressed upon your eternal rest.
It feels dead, every numbing moment
I spend in your hands.
A grain of sand -- disappears from this timely hourglass,
I’ve trudged through deserts thus far,
I go onward, endlessly, with no fear, knowing many more will come.
I can’t escape your grip -- it holds me to you, so close, we touch.
Inside your inscrutable ice-inflamed eyes I hide, awaiting another sunrise to ignite.
We travel oceans, upon your ghost ship-- lonely days followed by lonely nights crawl by.
Just he and I, from sunset to sunrise -- thinking, remembering remorsefully,
-- how I died.
Cast Away
Like a flower dying slowly,
like a drying river that is still flowing,
I hold on,
hold on for dear life,
as this world brings to me pain and strife,
what is to become of my dreams,
I am going to leave with out anything it seems,
and in the midst of staring eyes,
I take a final breath as my dreams are cast away.
Forgotten
Holding hope in my hands
On this fading autumn day.
Lashes on my back -- eyes
Open, always gazing ahead, waiting.
Clothing ashen, face turning grey.
Another day inside,
Under the watchful eye of him
Stripping me of all that’s human,
Trapping me within.
442
Why keep holding back – when there’s nothing left?
Do you expect to find your past
in each uncovered step?
Remembering the loneliness
of years long left behind –
opening again the wounds
you’ve always failed to hide.
Just imagine that you’re far away
where you’re safe and warm.
Relive a happy day.
Silence the storm.
Why keep going back – when nothing can be changed?
It all turns out the same
though somehow, rearranged.
You forget the happy things
dwelling on the sad.
Someday going back there
is bound to drive you mad.
Farewell Love, Farewell Pride
Torture me
under fire
under rain
heal my mind
so insane
so demented
so terribly lame
ever since you came.
Oh it kills
inside
my pride
it dies
and wraps itself
inside your lies
it's you Iv'e come to despise
and the way I feel
inside your eyes
Inventing Me
Inventing the new me,
trying to be
-- someone else.
In escaping from this reputation,
I stumbled upon a revelation,
in the real me inside
-- something precious died,
facades, fronts
-- false and wrong,
miss the old independent, strong
person I used to know.
My how lies seemed to grow,
inventing someone new,
from the one that no one knew.
I lost myself
-- so I’ve cried,
I put them away,
my hopes and dreams
-- on a dusty shelf.
With change has come the realization
-- I don’t like myself.
Autumn’s Cruelty
Spirals down,
floating slowly -- onto death,
innocence it holds so bravely on its chest.
As the sentenced leaf takes it last and final breath,
It detaches, then, descends --
leaping into the darkened depths,
crashes to the ground below,
indenting the dirty snow.
Excuse my heartfelt sympathy,
for this fragile, trembling leaf.
If you were falling, too --
You’d need someone to rescue you.
I’ll catch you, maybe barely,
or hold you after you fall,
be there to comfort your bleeding wounds,
and hold you close to me.
Just, breathe my name,
it can be the same as anytime before,
I will lift this gravity,
and make it as it used to be.
I’ll pick your crumbled pieces up from off the filthy floor,
for some will see a falling leaf,
I see so much more.
Another would surely pass you by --
while in vein, you’d stay to die,
not I.
You’re significant to me,
you mean much more to me,
you bring this out of me
-- a simple, fallen leaf.
warm-ups
I
This romance
Is ending tonight
I wish you the best - you’ve ever given to me
I guess its not much
Too bad oh well let’s go.
II
I hold my friends so far away
so nothing can penetrate
walled inside my own insanity
screaming so loud not making a sound
I wish I could float
on dreams as smooth as water
and leave this world behind
I feel happy when I sleep
I get away and try to keep
things close that make me think
of all the ones who have left me
I hold them near me
in my dreams
where visits relieve my pain
dreams are everything.
III
she bends and takes my hand
leading me away to forever
whispers softly
i nod to show i understand
she takes me by her side
& never do i stray
this is my angel - she leads me away.
Unwind
Staring off the edge of a precipice
wound in worry of a promise gone spoiled
never expecting an ending like this
lingering and longing to be untied from these binds.
What is the trouble
of this devastated mind
take a drink
take a bit to unwind
Hanging off the edge of a bedpost
wounds weighing on my dropping head
never expected this to work
wishing, once I could have escaped myself
What isn't the trouble
of this disease
took a drink
slipped the noose
no time to think.
Hanging here in my room
on a lazy afternoon.
Takes nothing more to unwind.
Fall
She lingers -- waiting on the
edge of a cliff.
remembers -- kissing his
nectar lips.
traces -- the veins
in her wrist
to the tops of her blue fingertips.
To jump --
To die --
starts to cry
grow wings to fly.
Cut through the air with her body -- a sword
paying a cost -- she can't afford
penance in place is followed by lace
descending in grace --
to a heavenly place.
Untitled
We don't exist
we were never here at all
we are what we are
always what we were
we can't forget
or live to regret
or just die alone in vain
or cry in pain
maybe go insane
disappear
We still don't exist
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