Undeniable Proof That Sgt. Cortez Is A Homosexual

All right TS fans, it's time we face the grim truth. Our hero is definitely not straight. BBS here again, now presenting one of (quite possibly) video gamings biggest losers. Don't worry though Cortez, we all love you anyway...

EARLY EVIDENCE

This one's for you, baby. In TS2, the Sarge was speaking in his quasi-Aussie-bloke accent. Now from the sounds of the game's intro, they were just a couple marines on the same job. I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt they ever had anything special. Who knows though? It's not really important, because he, nor any other character, was seriously developed as a character in this game.

Now I'll defend Cortez from the criticism he receives in the other half of the article in italics! Let's imagine here that he and Corporal Hart really did have something going on. Let's say they were madly in love, and married, etc. Cortez would be very badly shaken after loosing her, and he would also be likely to (attempt to at least, if nothing else) stay faithful to her, like the good guy he is. Very happy.

TIME TO SPLIT!

I love to say it and pretend it's cool, but let's face it, it's pretty gay. Remember Khallos Express? At the end Cortez valiantly helps Harry Tipper rescue his super hot girlfriend from the crazy train. Afterwards, she mentions that he is "groovy", and Tipper invites him to go to a party with them (basically guaranteeing him some action, and for those who don't think it is that sort of action, watch the cut scene after Breaking And Entering.) Time really isn't of the essence, since he can really warp wherever and whenever he wants, not to mention he doesn't even have a fantastic lead at this mansion, which we'll cover in a moment. Still, he declines the "action" and spouts his gay catchphrase. Jeez.

Hey! As a faithful husband, he wouldn't go out swinging like that. Besides, the TimeSplitters killed his loving wife, he needs to prioritize and destroy them so as to avenge her!

JO BETH CASEY

OK, none of you guys can honestly deny that you didn't stop a moment when she was hunched over scared of the zombies to check her out. She's a hot young female, perhaps too typical for this sort of mission, and Cortez hardly even notices her gender. Hey! He did sneak a look while they were going down the stairs! You're getting ahead of the game. He had half a billion chances to make a move on her, and didn't. He was scared shitless of the zombies though! Fine, maybe he was scared, but then he really isn't much of a real man, now is he? OK, so he did sneak a peak on the stairs, but who in their right mind wouldn't? I doubt Ryan Seacrest (for those who are unaware, quite possibly the gayest man on earth) or even that one kid at your school that you really hate, would pass up on this obvious chance. Of course, Casey didn't mind at all. She even gave a little look because the situation was ironic, but she really didn't care. Hell, it says "SLUT" right on her shirt. Need it be more obvious? Now for the ultimate upset. He totally has a chance with her, and he just leaves. He can follow Crow later, jeez! He's safe, she's safe, so have sex damn you! This should become apparent when she says "Wait! Ahh, too old for me anyway." Anya made it pretty obvious Jo-Beth wasn't too bright, so she probably wouldn't have cared how old he was if he had stayed. Cortez had a chance of getting some serious action with a babe who's likely not even half his age. Shame on you.

Hey! He's still trying to stay faithful to his wife, you say! He had trouble resisting her, but he did it! Be proud of our hero! Oh come on, he never even thought about it.

OVERVIEW

Let's sum it all up. The key to Cortez's undeniable gayness actually lies in the one thing he did in Future Perfect that wasn't gay: Anya. Now, they never necessary did anything together (though the end would suggest a possible smooch.) Point is, by hitting on Anya, he would be not staying faithful to his wife. This renders the italicized defense completely irrelevant. He and Hart were just close friends and he was hopeful. Honestly, if any of your teammates died on a mission like that you'd say "No!" too. So, yes, he passed up all these great chances. What are his motives? Is he possibly a bit straight? Could it just be that he's extremely prude? Was Free Radical trying to make a positive role-model for us all? Eh, doubt it. Anyways, I still think Cortez is awesome, and "Time to Split!" will always be cool to say if used at the right time. I really did like Cortez as a character, and I apologize for all the bashing. In fact it wasn't necessarily bashing, because in all political correctness there's nothing wrong with being gay. Now this does conflict with my religion, but that's not what the article is about. Case in point, Cortez is most definitely gay. BBS out.