Disclaimer: I do not own Cirque du Soleil in any way, shape or form. And if I was T.S. Eliot, I'd be a rotting corspe. Plus, do I look like Andrew Webber?
All my life I had been a background character and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I could have lived a perfectly happy life but I decided to stay in the shadows. Now here I am without anything but my pathetic life; I won’t even have that in a second.
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Tying a noose is easier than I thought but it’s coming along nicely. I don’t want to be left hanging in pain after I jump. Quick; that’s how I want my death to be. In a way I’m putting myself on display. I want everyone to see this, I want them to be blinded with pain. For once in my life I won’t be the stage cat.
I feel a nagging inside of me because I know I’ll be hurting some by doing this. I’m leaving my family behind for selfish reasons. I hope one day they can forgive me. Their lives might even be better without me around. If not, I really hope they’ll forgive me one day even though I don’t deserve it.
I’m re-reading the note I’ve written. I know Munkustrap or someone will read it out loud and I know it’s going to cause tears. That’s exactly what I want from her. I’ve been stabbed in the heart. For at least two brief seconds I want her to know what it feels like. Her heart has never been broken; she’ll finally feel the pain I’ve felt. She’ll cry those tears that I wept when I saw her in his arms. I can’t forgive either of them for what they have done too me.
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
Everything had been so perfectly planned too. I was ready this time. I was going to tell her, I was going to finally confess those feelings I had kept hidden for all these years. The day seemed brighter, everything illuminated. I was in love and I didn’t care who knew it. It changed when I reached the junkyard. As soon as I entered I felt my heart break in two. I witnessed the most disgusting spectacle; sitting there, bodies entwined was Alonzo and my beloved Cassandra in a passionate kiss.
The one I will become will catch me
So let me fall if I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them
My stomach turned. Nausea over came me. My legs suddenly felt weak. I felt warm, sweat rolling down my face. I held the urge to vomit back. I looked up again. They almost look as if they were glued together. I couldn’t stand to look at them but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I regained myself after a few brief seconds before I ran out of the junkyard.
My feet carried far away from the junkyard and the disgusting sight my eyes had seen. I found myself tired, sweaty and out of breath. Collapsing to the ground I began to bawl like a newborn kit. Toms don’t cry but I’m no tom.
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
The idea of death had never crossed my mind until this day. Today I had to ask myself if I really had anything to live for now. My whole life was dedicated to getting Cassandra to notice me, to love me but now she loved someone else. I felt completely worthless as if my love had been cast away like a piece insignificant trash.
Everyday of this pathetic life had been spent trying to catch the moonlit eyes of the stunning, breathing piece of art known as Cassandra. She was an angel among common mortals. Classy, talented, sleek, beautiful; she was absolute perfection. No matter how hard I tried I could never seem to get my message through. I’d catch her eye occasionally, give her smile or greet her in the morning. She regarded me but she never seemed to get the fact that I loved her. It was hard for me and now I was too late.
There sat a tom with a broken heart and a total useless life. What could he do but sit and ponder his next move? What could someone who was incompetent as me possibly do? With no motivation, life is completely meaningless. There was nothing left for this good for nothing tom.
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
The rest of the afternoon was spent in an alley, contemplating on various things. The family that brought me up would be hurt. There was no way there wouldn’t be pain. As much as it pained me I knew this had to be done. They would cope but the pain would never be fully healed.
Cassandra was a different matter. She had no idea how I felt. She never did. These feelings of love and passion had always been ignored. They seemed completely insignificant to her. I really shouldn’t have been surprised. Those gleaming, silver eyes would never stare into mine. That loving gaze was meant for another.
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
I thought about many things for a great deal of time before I headed back home. The pep that once occupied my body had died. These legs that were once so strong now were weak and collapsible. My stride became an awkward stagger, making my journey back to the yard slow. I wasn't in that much of a hurry, not to see the horrid sight of Alonzo and Cassandra in a loving embrace. I hissed lowly at the thought, fire burning in my throat, as I hobbled towards a secluded area of the junkyard. I sat down once more, sighing sadly. I wanted to cry but I held it in.
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them
My eyes landed on the long, winding piece of rope before me. I stared at it until I shifted my gaze to the high pile of junk. Sticking out was a long plank of wood. The idea I needed hit me like a ton of bricks. Before any other action was taken I had to write two letters first; one to my family and one to my darling Cassandra.
I’m now re-reading my letters One is filled with anger, sadness and pain, the other filled with regret. Both are perfect.
Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
I’ve placed the letters on an overturned trashcan. Sighing sadly, I head over the noose. I slip my head into the hole. I close my eyes tight before I jump.
This will be the last breath of air I take. Just let me fall
