Front Page Update: 5/17/07
Well, as of this time, I haven't been updating very much. Creativity for these pursuits come in bursts, though fairly methodically they DO come.
I've been trying to find myself. I've been trying to create myself.
I do not see these as dichotomous paths.
Reductionism allows us to see the parts, holism allows us to see the picture.
I suspect there is no smallest measurable piece of matter. Atoms are divided into electrons, protons, and neutrons----along with photons and gravitons, which have mass at LEAST in a superconductor. Electrons are sorta matter, sorta energy. Protons and Neutrons can be divided into quarks. And then, within all that, there's string theory.
I find myself. I find the pieces that compose me and have composed me. I look to my origins, my sibling and my friends. I look at the environment that made me, and the aspects that made up each of them.
I create myself. I take the pieces that I have found. I arrange them into the me that I shall be.
These... are two steps. One and One is not Two. It is Three. For you have a part, a part, and then you have a whole. Three concepts that you can discuss, at least. Not two. Our false dichotomy between parts and whole is ridiculous and painful.
This was the topic of my essay, the late essay, and this is the topic of the book by Gudo Wafu Nishijima---"To Meet the Real Dragon".
Buddhist thought, specifically bent on the healing of the created-rifts of Western society.
To heal the rift in yourself, must you conceive of the cure for all? "Ceremony", by Leslie Silko, says as much. You cannot heal a piece separated from all else. Holistic healing is the only healing; an emergency operation is a 'bandaid', a gauze; it aids the healing, but is not the healing itself.
I watched Patch Adams last night for the first time. Same message, same idea.
Our society creates these stories that try to say how we heal ourselves. And science, the constructor of so many paradigms, itself is shifting to echo these understandings.
I do not feel confident that I will succeed. But I feel confident that I love these ideas. I want to continue to take the points I find and reveal connections between them. I want to continue to edit what was said into a better way of saying it. I want to edit our paradigm, as it were---and I believe I have to begin with me.
If anything here is, THIS is my mission statement. My crazy wanderings through crazy wisdom, my swirling flight through wonder.
I watched "The Fountain" for the first time, too, a few nights ago. How many lifetimes does a person live? What stories does my path echo?
I said I wish to be a prophet----I've said as much, and thought as much, for years. When I was young, many of my stories that I created were leaving the world as it was for a time, to visit other worlds and other possibilities, and being here to save our world---often from ourselves.
I said I wish to be a prophet, but I don't simply want the "high Wisdom", or simply acting as a vessel for anothers' words----at least, not yet. I want to understand at least some of the path I take.
This was described to me as being the path of the magus, rather than the mystic. Wouldn't you know, I look at my horoscope, but the card of the day is the Magician; the Magus.
Kylie's Personal Card:
The Magician
This Deck: Winged Spirit Tarot
General Meaning: Traditionally, the Magus is one who can demonstrate hands-on magic -- as in healing, transformative rituals, alchemical transmutations, charging of talismans and the like. A modern Magus is any person who completes the circuit between heaven and Earth, one who seeks to bring forth the divine 'gold' within her or himself.
At the birth of Tarot, even a gifted healer who was not an ordained clergyman was considered to be in league with the Devil! For obvious reasons, the line between fooling the eye with sleight of hand, and charging the world with magical will was not clearly differentiated in the early Tarot cards.
Waite's image of the Magus as the solitary ritualist communing with the spirits of the elements -- with its formal arrangement of symbols and postures -- is a token of the freedom we have in modern times to declare our spiritual politics without fear of reprisal. The older cards were never so explicit about what the Magus was doing. It's best to keep your imagination open with this card. Visualize yourself manifesting something unique, guided by evolutionary forces that emerge spontaneously from within your soul.
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What do I create? A healed world? A healed me?
I... cry. More than a few tears. Community, its close development, is important to a friend of mine; that is much of his path, at least the path that I see.
Confidence in myself... feeling that I, procrastinating and lazy, and other such reduced terms that limit and define me, am not currently of stuff to be able to do this with. And if I am not, then what?! I exclaim it, and stare out, wondering what to do.
It's like... I'd been making knots, loops, braids with each train of thought and progress I've made. With each step through reductionism and each step through holism, I made a larger braided rope that comes together---and now I'm waiting, strands in hand, deciding whether or not to make an infinity-knot to bind them together towards a new being.
And I'm frightened, and I've hesitated... certain, and uncertain. I think of my core, and I think vaguely of Athena---for I've always been fond of her. I think of certainty, of unity of intelligence and wisdom. I think of the STUPIDITIES and cruelties in the world, and I think of a bladed-tone of fierceness in my voice as I speak against it.
I...have a hard time seeing what I want the next ten years of my life to be. Honestly. I see myself, beginning of middle-age, with a large Victorian house in a neigborhood, with forest and hills and water and neighbors around. A front road, maybe a side road, but acres of backyard. I see a few cats, I see kids---foster, adopted kids, given my fear of giving birth but my desire to raise children someday---I see friends, close friends around, like the aunts and uncles of communities where nuclear family was not the desired structure. Kind, and happy, and with a fiercely determined core. Not bitter, in the personal, internally-rotting kind of way. Pushed that way, by experiencing the horrific, and made stronger and determined by it. I see this as my future...
and I fear, and hestitate, the steps towards it.
Next Entry: Of Mankind and the Fall
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Last updated: 7/12/07 at 4:31 pm
