Scariest Places on Middle-Earth
The spoof that started it all. See the first work by K&K. It's not a spectacular piece of writing, but by God it's funny. Stay a while and enjoy.
(Hey, K and K here. I'm sure you'll recognize some of the lines from the show "Scariest Places on Earth". We hope you enjoy! Oh, and by the way, we don’t claim to own ANY of Professor Tolkien’s characters and we are always careful to ask ourselves "If he was reading this, would he laugh?" So please don’t hold anything against us…too much anyway.) WARNING!!! EXTREMELY FUNNY!! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY LAUGHING DUE TO PAIN OF SIDES!! WE'D HATE TO SEE THEM STITCHED UP! (Kendall suggested "Your lungs fall out" instead of the crack about your sides being stitched up, but Kisa decided against it... Either way, ugh. Nasty.) End disclaimer.
:::cue dark scary music:::
Good evening. I am Elrond Halfelven. Welcome to "Scariest Places on Middle-Earth". What makes a place scary? Well, a group of people are about to find out. I would go myself, but I can't even take a ring to a volcano. I just send an innocent... Hey! Who wrote that cue card? I'm gonna-
:::cut scene to a still of Barad-Dur:::
Spooky Narrator (aka Galadriel) v.o.: Barad-Dur once housed the Dark Lord Sauron and was a honeycomb... Who wrote this?? :::Kisa points at Kendall who tentatively raises his hand::: Ahem. was a honeycomb of dungeons and torture chambers. Now deserted, this dark fortress is surrounded with tales of torment and horror. And we're sending people here? Real people?? Alright, alright, read the script, I know. We have selected *cough*forced*cough* fifteen people to spend a night in this honeycomb of horror. :::glares in disgust at Kendall who nods happily::: They do not know that they will be placed in Barad-Dur.
:::cut scene to a cheerful, sunny suburban setting:::
Aragorn: I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Elendil...
Voice off-screen (Kendall): We get it!!
Aragorn: And I'm the one who suggested the whole thing. I cried at the idea at first, myself... Did I just say that out loud? But you can cut that from the tape, right? Right??
:::cut scene to Gandalf:::
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the White. I was the first to agree to this whole idea of Aragorn's. I think it will be quite... interesting.
:::cut scene to Legolas:::
Legolas: I am Legolas Greenleaf. I'm quite excited about going! I hope I get to see something that scares me to death!! Nightmares would be refreshing from my contented, elven-graced self!
:::cut scene to Gimli:::
Gimli: I think the whole thing is stupid.
Voice off-screen (Kisa): Name!
Gimli: Oh, right. Hi, I'm Gimli, and I think the whole thing is stu-
:::cut scene to Boromir:::
Boromir: Boromir of Gondor. I'm going because SOMEone has to protect those hobbits!
:::cut scene to Merry:::
Merry: :::calmly::: I'm Merry Brandybuck. I'm going because we were outvoted. It sounds kinda neat... It's not how I would spend my summer vacation! I'd rather go to the beach, :::rubs the back of his neck::: or the mountains, or the coun-
:::cut scene to Pippin:::
Pippin: I'm Pippin Took. I'm a little nervous. Kinda afraid of what I might see, or what I might NOT see!
:::cut scene to Sam:::
Sam: I'm Sam Gamgee. I'm really excited about going, but I'll have to keep an eye on Frodo. He'll probably have a psychotic episode.
Kendall (off-screen): :::laughing hard>
Kisa (off-screen): Why you little-
:::cut scene to Frodo:::
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins. I don't want to go. I DO NOT want go!
Kisa (off-screen): *whimper*
Kendall (off-screen): Steady. You can huggle later!
:::cut scene to Kendall in a robot mask and suit with his bottom half covered:::
Kendall: :::in robotic voice::: Father, give me legs!
Tape: :::fast forwards in a flurry and ends in a test pattern:::
Test pattern: BEEEEEEP! We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by...
:::scene cuts to Haldir:::
Haldir: I'm Haldir. They kill me off in the movie! Can you believe that??
Kisa (off-screen): I know, I'm sorry.
Haldir: I just can't belie-
:::scene cuts to Glorfindel:::
Glorfindel: :::in a bucket hat and sunglasses::: 'Sup! Glorfi Mac is in da house! I'm really down wit' goin' wit' my freaky peoples! It's all cool. Are you down wit' it? The dilly-o is just WHACK! :::throws up his arms and yells on the top of his lungs::: S.P.O.M.E. ALL DA WAY!!!
(translation: Scariest Places on Middle Earth all the way)
:::cut scene to Arwen:::
Kendall (off-screen): grrrroowwwllll!!
Kisa (off-screen): Ah, down boy.
Arwen: :::looks confused::: I'm Arwen Evenstar, and I'm going because I'm tired of just sitting around Minas Tirith! When my hubbie suggested this, I jumped at the opportunity!
:::cut scene to Eomer:::
Eomer: I'm Eomer. Just kinda going with the flow.
Kisa (off-screen): :::after a pause during which Eomer scratches his face::: Fascinating.
:::cut scene to Eowyn:::
Eowyn: I'm Eowyn. I'm going because I want to see Frodo freak out!
Kisa: :::lunges on screen and tackles her viciously:::
Kendall (off-screen): Here we go! Cat fight!!
:::cut scene to Faramir:::
Faramir: I'm Faramir. I can't believe fifteen people are going to be waltzing around some "haunted" castle! Oogha booga booga!! It's crazy, dude! Just wandering around, "HARRRR HARRR HARRR-
:::cut scene to a picture of a clichéd haunted house with lightening in background:::
Music: DUM DUM DUM, DADUM DUM DUM!!! (Kisa's note: WHAT???)
Elrond voice over: Scariest Places on Middle-Earth will return after a commercial break.
:::after a fifteen minute commercial break and various death-threats towards the TV station stating "Bring back the show or die - Anonymous", cut scene to clichéd picture:::
Music: DUM DUM DUM, DADUM DUM DUM!
Elrond v.o.: We now return you to Scariest Places on Middle-Earth.
Person at home watching: Dang straight!
:::cut scene to a comfy living room where the fifteen contestants (Kisa's note: Why do we call them contestants? They aren't competing! Oh well, we have lack of a better word, so...) are seated and chatting about the approaching journey:::
Aragorn: I'm excited-
Glorfindel: WORD!!! :::pauses::: To the Father!
Aragorn: Shut up, Glorfi!
Glorfindel: I'm diggy-down wit' dat!
Frodo: I'm not! Why are you forcing me to go?? You'll have to tear me from this chair!! :::grips chair like there's no tomorrow:::
Kendall (off-screen): :::holding Kisa back:::
Gandalf: I think it'll be broadening...
Gimli: I think it'll be stupid.
Gandalf: Yes, we KNOW your opinion! :::rolls eyes:::
Pippin: Am I the only one besides Frodo that's nervous about going to a place that may or may not be haunted?
:::pause:::
Eomer: Looks like it.
Eowyn: It'll be a good experience I think.
Van driver: Okay, we're all ready! Time to load up the van!
Glorfindel: Word!
Frodo: As I said, you'll have to tear me from this chair!!
:::cut scene to van interior:::
Frodo: :::still gripping chair, which has been placed in the back:::
:::cut scene to a fairly small, dimly lit room with lots of candles and fake cobwebs for effect, it's walls lined with tables on top of which sit piles of strange equipment:::
:::cue spooky organ music:::
:::enter contestants:::
Boromir: I don't like the look of this...
:::enter K and K wearing spooky black clothes (Read: Kisa is wearing long, tattered, black dress, while Kendall is wearing torn, black jeans, black bucket hat jammed on his head, and a black T-shirt that says "HAAARRRR!!!!" on the front in white letters. Is very spooky, as the thought of Peewee Herman's voice is quite terrifying.):::
Aragorn: :::jumps roughly four feet into the air::: AARRRRRGH!!!
Kisa: Welcome, bodies! How is it in the world of the living?
:::the contestants snicker nervously:::
Kendall: On these tables are your new buddies!
Kisa: These are vests hooked up to a small light, a camera that records your point of view (povcam), a camera that records your facial expressions (fcam) and a radio that links to the all the other contestants' radios.
Kendall: We've got motion-activated night vision cameras (nvcam) set up all around the area you'll be spending the night.
Pippin: And... where is that exactly?
Kendall: Now, don't be hasty, little orc!
Kisa: All in good time, Master Took, all in good time. We will be watching you always...
Kendall: ...But don't expect us to help you if you get lost.
:::K and K help the contestants put on the vests and test the lights, cameras and radios:::
Kisa: You will now be blindfolded and taken to your "hotel". Please be careful. If one of you really cannot take any more... There's not much we can do.
Kendall: We have ourselves to think about, after all!
Kisa: And now, goodbye, bodies!
Kendall: You'll see us like this again after the night is over! (Though we'll still be around off-screen...) And remember, "There is no spoon"!
Faramir: What does THAT have to do with anything??
Kendall: :::shrugs::: It sounded spooky in my mind! :::pauses::: OOGHA BOOGA!!
Contestants: :::gape:::
Kendall: Ahem, right, well, good luck.
Kisa: :::face in hands::: For cryin' out loud.... :::lifts head::: Take care! And try to stay with a buddy while exploring, okay?
:::K and K blindfold the "bodies" and they are led away by miscellaneous extra crew members dressed in indistinguishable black outfits:::
:::scene follows blindfolded contestants to the area in front of the entrance of Barad-Dur, where there is a cheesy-looking bonfire burning:::
Gollum: :::enters scene in a snazzy suit and begins taking off blindfolds::: Yesss, preciousss! Nice Smeagol takeses of their masskses, he does! Good Smeagol!
Frodo: :::still blindfolded::: You're joking!
Goll- er, Smeagol: Ssh, my preciouss! Masster musst be patient! We only have two handses, we does!! Not OUR fault helperses go on sstrike! Nasssty underpaid helpersesss, *gollum*!
Sam: :::has blindfold removed::: *gasp* Oh, no...
Frodo: :::still blindfolded::: What? Where are we??
Aragorn: :::has had blindfold removed::: It's okay, Frodo! Just stay calm when you see, okay? We are completely safe!
Frodo: :::after blindfold is removed, stares at tower and faints:::
:::scene violently pans downward and is righted to see Kisa huggling Frodo:::
Kendall (off-screen): Aw, for cryin' out loud!!
:::cut scene to static:::
Static: SSSSSSHHHHHHZZZZZZZ!!!!-
:::cut scene to unblindfolded contestants standing by bonfire:::
Smeagol: Sss... Welcome to the tower of Barad-Dur! The exss-fortress of the Nasssty Dark Lord! It reekses of torment and death! You will be spending the night here, preciousesss! :::glances at wrist-watch::: Darknesss iss coming fasst! Mussst wrap up!
Glorfindel: WOO! RAP! I LUV RA-
Smeagol: Be quiet, stupid elfses! We said "wrap" with a "w"!! Now, we aren't going to do any ritualses because frankly, we thinkses it'ss a load of tripe! Sso, you will be blindfolded again and led to different areases... Is Masster okay??
Frodo: :::deathly white and trembling violently::: NO, I'M NOT OKAY!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ARAGORN, HUH?? HAVE I HURT YOU IN SOME WAY?? HAVE I???
Gandalf: Frodo! Get a hold of yourself!
Frodo: HOW????!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!
Sam: Frodo, calm down. There's nothing here that will hurt you! These people are just trying to work you up so your imagination will run away with you!
Kisa(off-screen): :::being restrained by Kendall::: I'M not, Frodo! It's the boy!!! It's Kendall!!
:::after a slight tussle, the crew members are able to put a blindfold back on Frodo:::
Spooky Narrator: The contestants are led to to separate rooms in the Dark Tower. They have no idea where they, or the others are.
:::cut scene to montage of contestants taking off their blindfolds:::
(NOTE: View will be nvcam vision unless otherwise noted)
:::cut scene to Pippin:::
Pippin(fcam): Let's see... A big metal spike... A table with restraints... A rack of gruesome, nasty-looking tools... Say! I'll just bet I'm in a torture chamber!
Gimli (over radio): No, really???
:::cut scene to Faramir:::
Faramir(povcam): Hm. This isn't so- :::turns to face a skeleton hanging from a hook::: *SHRIEK!!!!*
Haldir(o.r.): What?? What is it???
Faramir: :::clutching chest, breathing in sharp gasps::: Its...*pant* okay...*wheeze* It-, it was-, it was two inches away, I'-, I'm okay.
Legolas(o.r.): :::laughs::: You pansy! AAAAAHHHH!!! A RAT!!!
:::cut scene to Boromir:::
Boromir(fcam): Ha ha ha! I am incredibly amused! :::knocks head on low arch::: Everything, going dark!
Aragorn:(o.r.): It's already dark!
Boromir(fcam): Going darker!
:::cut scene to Gandalf:::
Frodo(o.r.): Hey, y'all. I can't get out!
Gandalf: Are you walking around, trying to get out, or are you frozen with terror?
Frodo(o.r.): :::pauses::: Probably closer to that last one. :::yelps::: PLEASE, SOMEBODY FIND ME!! The stuff on the shelf keeps moving...
Gandalf(fcam): :::sighs::: Where does it look like you are? High up, or near ground level?
Frodo(o.r.): I DON'T KNOW!!!
:::cut scene to Aragorn, who has located Haldir:::
Aragorn: Let me see if I can get this attic door open...
Haldir: I don't know, Aragorn...
Aragorn: I'm sick of your lack of faith! Just *urrrgh!* hold on! :::gives door a mighty yank, and it drops open hitting him on the head::: Ugh! :::switch to povcam view which drops suddenly and shows the ceiling:::
Haldir(povcam shows Aragorn sprawled on the floor): WE'VE GOT A RANGER DOWN!!!
:::cut scene to Legolas, merrily prancing down the hall:::
Legolas: :::singing::: All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the-
Eomer(o.r.): WILL YOU STOP THAT INFERNAL SINGING???
Legolas(fcam): Hm. No. :::continues singing:::
:::cut scene to Arwen, who is exploring a dungeon:::
Arwen(povcam shows chains on walls): :::shudders::: I won't be surprised if this place IS haunted! :::jumps as door to cell slams shut::: Aw great. :::looks up to see a very tall shaft above her::: Oh wow. Whoa, I feel dizzy... :::tries to open the door without success::: Very funny, guys! Let me out, now! :::no answer::: OPEN THIS DOOR! :::no answer::: Grrr... :::picks up radio::: Hey, did anyone shut a door? :::all replies turn out to be no::: :::the chains on the wall behind her begin to move:::
Chains: RATTLE, RATTLE, RATTLE!
Arwen: Someone come get me, PLEASE! :::the door to the cell slowly opens:::
Door: CRRREEEEEEEAAAKK!!!!!
Arwen: O.O
Glorfindel: :::peeks around the door::: 'Sup, babe?
Arwen(fcam): GLORFINDEL, YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH!!!! :::punches his shoulder:::
:::cut scene to Merry and Eowyn:::
Merry: :::examines chandelier and turns to Eowyn::: Heh, wouldn't it be scary if the chandelier fell?
Chandelier: :::falls::: CRASH!!!
Chandelier chain: chink, chink, chink, chink.
Merry: :::leaps up and forwards in the air with a screech, ending up in Eowyn's arms:::
Eowyn: :::drops him::: You're pathetic.
:::cut scene to Sam and Gandalf:::
Gandalf: :::talking into radio::: Frodo, calm down. Where are you? Describe it.
Frodo(o.r.): I'm still in the same room!
Sam(fcam): WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE???
Frodo(o.r.): Oh. Uh... there's a small window...
Gandalf(fcam): How far down is the ground?
Frodo(o.r.): :::pause::: Whoa! Really far down!
Sam: Can you see the volcano?
Frodo(o.r.): Uhhh... Yes.
Gandalf(povcam shows scenery passing as he walks): NOW we're getting somewhere!
:::cut scene to Pippin and Gimli:::
Gimli(fcam): What's that?
Pippin(fcam): What?
Gimli: That. That thing over there. I'm gonna check it out.
Pippin(povcam shows Gimli walking to corner): You go.
Gimli: :::takes light off the holder and shines it onto a strange object::: EEWWWWWW!!!!!
Pippin(fcam): WHAT?? WHAT??
Gimli(povcam): :::holds up very old sandwich::: Nasty!
Pippin(fcam): Oh, that's sick! Put it back, Gimli!
Gimli: :::looks at it::: Do you think it's still good??
Pippin: Don't! Cut it out!
Gimli: :::grins::: Gotchya! :::pitches the ancient thing out the window::: Bye dog food.
:::cut scene to Aragorn, Eomer and Faramir:::
Eomer: :::standing facing the wall::: Hey guys, come see this.
:::The other two walk over to see a painting of Minas Tirith at it's peak. Flowering gardens, people walking about and the walls gleaming a beautiful white:::
Eomer(fcam): Now look at this one.
:::they look at the painting next to it to see the same scene, with withered plants, dead people, and dingy, crumbling walls and buildings:::
Faramir(povcam shows painting): Must be Sauron's redecorating plan.
:::cut scene to Haldir and a quivering Frodo:::
Haldir: So, you've been up here, alone.
Frodo: :::nods his head:::
Haldir: Gandalf and Sam never found you?
Frodo: :::shakes his head:::
Haldir: Can you speak?
Frodo: :::shakes his head:::
Haldir: Fair 'nuf.
:::cut scene to Eowyn and Merry:::
:::enter Haldir and Frodo:::
Merry(fcam): Hi, Frodo! Wow, you don't look so good.
Frodo(fcam): :::shoots him a LOOK:::
Haldir: Want to switch buddies?
Merry: Sounds good.
Eowyn: Sounds great! It'll be nice to have someone to protect me...
Merry: Hey!
Eowyn: No offense.
Merry: Oh, okay then. Come on, cousin! You're safe with me!
Eowyn: *snort*
Merry: Oh, hush. Come on, we'll walk around and sing "The Time Warp" real loud!
Frodo: :::smiles::: Don't you mean reenact your New Year's eve?
Merry: DOIN' THE TIIIME WARRP!! See you people later!
:::cut scene to Sam and Gandalf:::
Gandalf(povcam whips to face a wall): Did you see that?
Sam(fcam): What?
Gandalf(fcam): That shadow.
Sam(povcam looks at wall): What shadow?
Gandalf: The shadow I saw!
Sam: What did it looks like?
Gandalf: A person.
Sam: Like you?
Gandalf: No.
Sam: Like me?
Gandalf: No.
Sam(povcam looks up and down wall): :::pauses::: That's weird...
Gandalf: *sigh*
:::cut scene to Legolas:::
Legolas: :::doing the macerena::: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and bright!! (K & K's note: Yes, we realize this is the wrong song...) :::stops::: Hey, where are all of you?
Aragorn(o.r.): Legolas, the real question is "where are you???"!!!
Legolas: :::shrugs and starts exploring rooms while yelling into radio::: IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE, FOR US!!!
Eomer(o.r.): AAAAAAUUUWWWWWWGGGHHHHHHH!!!! Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!!!
:::cut scene to Haldir and Eowyn:::
Haldir: Hey, look at this.
Eowyn: What is it?
Haldir:
:::holds up video tape::: A movie!
:::reads label::: "Gutting knife commercial/New Year's Eve Par-tay/Cars" What??
Eowyn: What??
Haldir: Yeah that! Let's see... :::cut to povcam, shows an old vcr and tv::: I wonder if this works... :::pops in tape, tv flickers and comes on:::
TV(as seen on Haldir's povcam): :::shows cartoon squid holding a hooked knife:::
Squid: :::singing in thick Japanese accent::: a-Knife goes in, a-guts come out, that's-what-Mordor-brand-Gutting-Knife-is all about!
TV: :::cuts to static:::
Eowyn and Haldir: :::gape:::
TV: :::cuts to poor footage of a group of orcs in some sort of pub with heavy bass-beat music in the background, holding kegs and yelling to the camera over the music:::
Orc#1: WWOOOOO!!! I mean, HAAAARRRRRR!!!! We're here in Minas Morgul, gettin' ready ring in 30-, 29-, Aw heck, we're here to do somethin'! Can't 'member what.
Orc#2: :::runs on-screen::: WE'RE HERE TO DO THE TIME WARP!!!
Orc#3: Arrrr! Yeerrrr crazy! We cain't dance! :::smacks #2 over the head:::
Orc#2: :::pokes #3 in the eye:::
Orc#3: :::lunges at #2::: AAARRRRRRR!!!!-
(NOTE BY KISA: This next bit was ALL Kendall!!)
TV: :::cuts to a group of orcs dancing around a Ferrari and Corvette (cars) to heavy guitar music:::
Music: DAUW, DAUWDADUAW, DUAWDADAUW DADADAUW!!
Orcs: WWOOOO, YEAH!
Big Orc on platform with microphone: ARE YOU READY TO RACE???
Orc drivers and passengers(passengers have cameras): YYEEEAAAAHH!!!!
Music: :::gets louder::: DAUW, DAUWDADAUW, DADADAUW!!!!
B.O.O.P.W.M.: GOOO!!!!!
Cars: SSSCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCHHH!!!!!!
Passengers with cameras: :::hanging out the windows filming::: OH YEAH!!! AARRRRRRR!!
P.W.C.#1's camera: :::shows fast-approaching iron pole:::
P.W.C.#1: AARRR- :::is relieved of his head by a pole passing at 160 mph:::
Fan#1: :::picks up head and holds it up in triumph::: HWWAAAAARRRRRRR!!! :::pretends to play it as if it were a guitar:::
Fan#2: Gimme that head!!
Fan#1: :::shoves him away::: IT'S MINE!! T'was MY pa!!!!
TV: :::goes blank:::
Haldir(povcam shows his finger has pressed "eject"): Oookkaaaayyy... That's enough of that...
Eowyn: :::gape:::
Haldir: :::takes out the tape::: That was...enilightening.
Eowyn: But we didn't get to see who won!
Haldir: :::gives her a LOOK:::
(Kisa apologizes profusely for that sequence. "It was just so funny!!")
:::cut scene to a large area where there is a television sitting on a table, along with various scientific tools:::
Contestants: :::start filing in:::
Spooky Narrator: The contestants have been instructed to gather here to prepare for next part of their "lock-in". It is now midnight.
TV: :::screen flickers, and Celeborn comes on:::
Celeborn: OOGHA BOOGA!!!
Contestants: O.o
Celeborn: Heh, anyway, laid before you are tools that will aid you for the remainder of the night. There are two laser-thermometers to measure changes in temperature in a specific area, two infa-red cameras which you can use as you would a regular camera to measure changes in temperature, and three gauges to measure electro-magnetic activity. You will be paired as follows: Sam and Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas, Gandalf and Pippin, Merry and Faramir, Glorfindel and Eomer, Gimli and Frodo, Haldir and Eowyn and Arwen. You may switch tools (one for each group) but you may NOT switch partners!! Good luck.
Glorfindel: WORD!
Merry: To the Father??
Glorfindel: Yo! The little man is down with it!
Merry: Don't call me that. And I don't think rappers talk like that ALL the time!
Glorfindel: This one does.
:::the groups slowly pick out their tools. Gimli and Frodo take an infra-red camera, so do Glorfindel and Eomer. Sam and Aragorn pick a laser-thermometer, as do Haldir, Eowyn and Arwen. Boromir and Legolas, along with Merry and Faramir and Gandalf and Pippin, take the the EM gauges.:::
:::cut scene to Gimli and Frodo entering a bedroom:::
Frodo:
:::holding the IR camera::: Blue is cold, got it. And if it's really cold, it may be a ghost?
Gimli: That's how I understand it... Either that or an ice pack... Or a cold beer... (I could use one of them)
:::evil grin::: Or the undertaker! Mwahaha!
Frodo: *shudder* Be quiet! I'm freaked out enough, don't you think???
Gimli: I think the whole thing is stu-
Frodo: WE KNOW!!!
Gimli: Hey, scan over the bed with that thing.
Frodo: Okay.
IRcam view: :::shows a very, very blue shape in the middle of the bed:::
Frodo: Uuhhhh...
Gimli: Well?
Frodo: I-, I'm pretty sure it's just some cold air.
Gimli: :::looks in viewfinder::: Yeah, that's what it is.
:::as they lower the camera, they see an indentation on the bed. after a pause, it begins to move:::
Frodo: O.O
Gimli: It's, uh, probably just... Let's go.
:::they hurry out of the room:::
:::cut scene to Haldir, Eowyn and Arwen in a dungeon cell:::
Haldir: :::pointing laser at Eowyn's heart::: Hmm, looks like fifty below in there!
Eowyn: Har har, shut up.
Arwen: Point it over there, Haldir. :::points at chains on wall:::
Haldir: :::as he moves laser::: Doodle-loo-dee-doo. :::pauses and furrows his brow::: Must be something wrong with it.
Eowyn: Why?
Haldir: It's reading... 15 degrees F!
:::the three look at each other and begin to slowly back out of the cell:::
:::cut scene to Glorfindel and Eomer in a dining area with a crudely built table, holding an old candelabra in the centre:::
Glorfindel: Point the camera at that candelabra.
Eomer: Alright.
IRcam view: :::slowly pans towards the old thing, revealing it is very hot:::
Eomer: Whoa! :::peers over at Glorfindel::: Touch it, see if it's hot.
Glorfindel: What?
Eomer: Touch the candles!!
Glorfindel: Okay, but I don't think it's a good idea. :::touches the candelabra lightly::: EEEEEEOOOOOWWWW!!!! :::starts dancing around the room waving his hand in the air, shrieking:::
Eomer: Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!! Here, let me see.
Glorfindel: Get away from me, you psycho!
:::cut scene to Gandalf and Pippin:::
Pippin: Any changes?
Gandalf: No.
Pippin: Any changes?
Gandalf: No.
Pippin: Any changes?
Gandalf: N-, wait, yes.
Pippin: Really?
Gandalf: Over here by the door... :::moves EM gauge towards the doorframe and the needle jumps::: Whoa. :::the door slowly creaks shut:::
Door: CRREEEEEEAAAAAAK, SLAM!
Pippin: O.O
Gandalf: See, this is why we don't watch TV. People get obsessed. I'm going out now.
Pippin: No, Gandalf! Don't do it! You'll lose the reading!
Gandalf(povcam): What does it matter?? We already saw it. :::on the wall behind Pippin, a shadow moves past the light coming from Gandalf's flashlight::: O.O Pippin...
Pippin: What?
Gandalf: I think there's someone else...
Pippin: O.o What are you talking about?? :::there are sounds resembling footsteps:::
Sound: Pit pat, pit pat, pit pat
Gandalf and Pippin: O.O Uhh...
Gandalf: :::looks down at meter to see the needle off the scale::: Let's go, Pippin.
Pippin: What?
Gandalf: FLY, YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!!!
:::they throw open the door and dash down the hall:::
Pippin: Oh man, we're gonna die!!!!
:::they crash into Merry and Faramir:::
Gandalf and Pippin: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!
Merry and Faramir: AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
Faramir: :::clutches chest::: DON'T DO THAT!!!!
Merry: What'd ya see?
Pippin: I don't know, dude, but it freaked GANDALF out!!
Merry: O.O Never mind, I don't wanna know...
:::cut scene to Legolas and Boromir in a torture chamber:::
Legolas: No reading.
Boromir: Try here. I've got a tingly feeling here.
Legolas: That's a spider.
Boromir: AAAAHHHH!!! GET IT OFF!!!
Legolas: :::flicks a tiny spider off Boromir's leg then checks meter::: No reading.
Boromir: This is boring. Do you think anyone has seen anything ye- :::freezes::: O.O :::starts babbling non-verbal sounds:::
Legolas: Man, what is wrong with you?
Boromir: Uh, ah, uh, uh-uh-uh!!!! :::throws arm in general direction of window:::
Legolas: O.o What???
Boromir: Mm! Mmm!
Legolas: Boromir, use your words.
Boromir: :::pointing at window::: Ummm!!! Muh!
Legolas: :::slowly turns around to look out window, and sees the dark figure of a person standing on top of a roof of a building nearby::: O.O Uuhhh, uhh... Wha... wha...
Boromir: Nih! Mm! Nnnmm!
Legolas: Guh! Wha, ih?
Boromir: Ehhh!! Muha! Auh!
Legolas: Auw?
Boromir: AUH!!!
Legolas: AUH??????
Boromir and Legolas: :::look at each other::: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! :::run, falling over themselves as they go:::
:::cut scene to Sam and Aragorn in a walkway with many large windows:::
Aragorn: :::playing with laser thermometer::: I wonder how cold the moon is...
:::aims laser at sky:::
Sam:
:::rolls his eyes::: I wonder how the others are doing.
:::suddenly, a shadow zips by the windows:::
Shadow: vvwwoooossshhh!
Sam and Aragorn: :::stop dead (no pun intended):::
Sam: What the heck was that?
Aragorn: :::points laser at area that shadow passed:::
Thermometer reading: -5 degrees F
Aragorn: Huh.
Sam: What?
Aragorn: Oh, uh, nothin'. :::points laser at area shadow did not pass:::
Thermometer reading: 56 degrees F
Aragorn: Huh.
Sam: What??
Aragorn: Nah.
Sam: If you don't tell me what you're "Huh"ing about, I'll bust your face!!
Aragorn: Getting a wee bit violent, are we? :::shows him reading::: Here's the room temp. :::points laser at trail::: Here's Spanky's temp.
Sam: Who's Spanky?
Aragorn: Whatever that thing was. I just named him.
Sam: Spanky?
Aragorn: What's wrong with it? That's what Kendall's dad calls him!
Sam: O.o Okaaayyy...
:::cut scene to Haldir, Eowyn and Arwen walking down hallway:::
Haldir: :::with both gals pressed on either side::: Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable?
Arwen: Shush! That was scary!
Haldir: It was just a picture!!!
Eowyn: It blinked!!!
Haldir: Oh, it did not!
Eowyn: Yes it DID!
Haldir: No it DIDN'T!!!
Eowyn: YES IT DID!!!!
Arwen: ENOUGH!
:::something falls with a bang:::
Something: BANG!!!
:::the trio leap into the air and clutch each other upon landing:::
Haldir: :::in hushed tones::: What was that??
Eowyn: SHH! Do you hear voices?
Arwen: I hear them.
Eowyn: What are they saying??
Arwen: One is saying "AAAHHH!!! I THINK MY LEG'S BUSTED!!!" It has to be Gimli.
Haldir: Let's go help.
:::they find Gimli and Frodo in a small chamber. Gimli is sprawled on the floor, Frodo is standing over him, obviously trying to figure out what to do:::
Frodo: :::hears Haldir, Eowyn and Arwen approaching and whips around::: STAY BACK!!! I HAVE A FLASHLIGHT!!! :::aims his light like a weapon:::
Haldir: AUGH! Frodo, that thing is BRIGHT! Turn that thing OFF!
Frodo: :::lowers flashlight::: Oh, sorry, guys. Gimli's having problems...
Gimli: I've fallen, and I can't get up! :::tries to flip onto his stomach to get up, but just flaps about for a minute and gives up::: *whimper*
Haldir: I didn't know Dwarves whimpered! :::stands and laughs at Gimli's expense for a moment, then helps the dwarf up:::
Arwen: What happened??
Gimli: It felt like something PUSHED me!
Frodo: I had my back turned, I missed it.
Eowyn: Would this be a bad time for a ghost story?
Others: :::glare:::
Eowyn: I thought so.
:::cut scene to Glorfindel and Eomer in a huge, fancy bedroom:::
Glorfindel:
:::sucking on burned finger:::
Eomer: Wow! Wonder what's so special about this room!
Glorfindel: :::points to a Teddy Bear next to a bottle of pills:::
Eomer: :::reads Bear's tag::: Mister Wuggles??? :::picks up pill bottle::: "Take twice a day to prevent psychotic episodes" Yikes. "SAURON"???????? O.O SAURON, THE EVIL DARK LORD HAD A TEDDY BEAR NAMED MR. WUGGLES AND TOOK ANTI-PSYCHOTICS???? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Glorfindel: Sh!! Yes, rumour has it, when he became disembodied, he was unable to get his Teddy or his meds, so he snapped!
Eomer: :::looks around the room::: Really took advantage of his position, didn't he? Are these SILK sheets???
Glorfindel: I don't doubt it.
:::cut scene to Gandalf, Pippin, Merry and Faramir in a huge room:::
Pippin(fcam): :::freezes::: What the heck was that?
Faramir: :::loudly::: What'd it sound like?
Gandalf: :::covers Faramir's mouth::: SH!
:::they stand stock still and listen:::
:::suddenly, they hear armour clanking:::
Pippin, Merry, Gandalf, Faramir: O.O
:::they hear a bang, and a sound that resembles footsteps coming up behind them:::
Merry(povcam): I'm out!
Pippin(povcam): Bye! :::they run:::
Gandalf, Faramir: :::close behind:::
:::as they run, it sounds as if they are being closely followed:::
Pippin(povcam): WHAT THE HECK IS IT???
Gandalf: JUST KEEP RUNNING!!
Faramir(fcam): :::screaming pansily:::
Merry(povcam): IT'S GETTING CLOSER!!!
Pippin(povcam): :::turns to see figure in hot pursuit::: OHMIGAWSH!!!
Merry(povcam): :::trips and falls:::
Pippin(fcam): MERRY!!!!
Faramir(fcam): NO, LEAVE HIM!! :::pushes Pippin forward:::
Merry(fcam): O.O AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! :::passes out:::
:::cut scene to Aragorn and Sam:::
Aragorn: Did you hear that?
Sam: Was it Spanky?
Aragorn: Shut up. No, it was more like screaming. :::pauses::: Sounded like Arwen!
Sam: I'm sure she's fine, she's with Haldir and Eowyn.
Aragorn: Oh, that just makes me feel so much better!
:::they continue about their business:::
:::enter Legolas and Boromir:::
Legolas: THERE IS A GUY OUTSIDE!!!
Boromir: UH!! NAH MAH!!!
Aragorn: o.O Calm down. What did you say?
Legolas: :::takes a deep breath::: There... Is... A... Guy outside!!!!
Boromir: HE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!
Sam: Boromir! You can talk!
Aragorn: A guy?
Legolas: YES! THERE IS A GUY!!! OUTSIDE!!!
Boromir: ON ROOF!! KILL US ALL!!! EVIL!!
Sam: It's probably just a trick...
Boromir: :::grabs Sam by collar> Can't you see??? He's going to kill us!
Sam: All?
Boromir: :::drops him::: YES, ALL!!!
:::cut scene to Frodo, Gimli, Haldir, and ladies walking out of a room they've been inspecting:::
Frodo(povcam): :::is last in line to get out, has door shut in face after Gimli exits::: O.O Very funny, Gimli! Open the door, please.
:::outside:::
Haldir: :::turns around upon hearing the door close::: Gimli, let him out of that dang room!
Gimli: I didn't do it!
Arwen: Just open the door. I can hear him inside.
Gimli: :::tries the door::: It won't open.
Haldir: Get out of the way! :::shoves the dwarf aside and tries to force the door open::: What the...?
Gimli: Aha! Dwarf not so stupid anymore!
Haldir: :::to door::: Frodo, stand back! I'm going to kick it in!
:::inside:::
Frodo: :::to self::: But it opens out.
Door: :::shudders slightly:::
Haldir: :::heard from other side of door::: AAAUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!
:::outside:::
Haldir: :::holding foot::: Oww!! *whimper* *sniffle* That really hurt!
Eowyn, Gimli: :::laughing at his pain:::
Arwen: :::goes to door::: Hold on, Frodo! We're going to get you out! :::pauses::: Can you kick it out?
:::laughter heard from within the room:::
:::inside:::
Frodo: :::has gotten comfortable leaning against door::: :::turns to see a doll sitting on a shelf with a knife in it's head, blood trickling from the wound::: O.O :::to self::: It's just a doll, Frodo. Nothing to be scared about. :::gulps:::
:::his povcam turns to the window and sees two hands come up and grip the window sill:::
Frodo: :::rubs his eyes::: :::when he looks back, the hands are gone::: Just my imagination, that's all.
:::the room darkens to pitch black:::
Frodo: Oh no... Where's my torch...?
:::his povcam turns suddenly to see a face come out of the dark towards him:::
:::outside:::
Gimli: Maybe we should break it down with something.
Haldir: Okay, Gimli!!! I'll just grab my fist, and PUNCH IT!!!
:::the door seems to explode as Frodo literally tears his way out of the room:::
Frodo: :::darts up Haldir like a scared cat scaling a telephone pole::: O.O NEVER!!! YOU HEAR ME????
Haldir: WHAT THE- ???????
:::teeters as Frodo grips him with all his might::: Get down!! What happened??
:::after a few minutes, Arwen is able to calm the terrified hobbit and get him down:::
Eowyn: What happened???
Frodo:
:::trembling::: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just go, right now!
:::they hurry out of the room:::
:::cut scene to Pippin and Faramir watching Gandalf tend to the fallen Merry, still where they left him:::
Gandalf: Breathe, dang you!! BREATHE!!
Merry: :::in a growl::: I'm breathing!
Pippin: :::comes closer::: Are you okay???
Merry: No, I'm NOT okay! Why'd you leave me here???
Faramir: Impulse.
Merry: Why didn't you come back sooner???
Faramir: Hesitated.
Merry: :::sits up::: That was really scary!
Gandalf: Yeah, I know!
Pippin: What was that thing??
Merry: I don't know, but it was freaky, dude! His mouth was all: blaaahhh :::drags fingers down lips for effect:::
Gandalf: O.o Okay.
:::cut scene to Eomer and Glorfindel:::
Eomer(IRcam view): Nutin'
Glorfindel(fcam): *sigh* I'm booorrrrred!
Eomer(fcam): Will you quit your whinin'??
Glorfindel: Let's gooooo!!!!
Eomer: FINE!! Let's go! Sheez!!
:::they walk out into a large hallway:::
Glorfindel: :::cups hands around mouth::: ECHO!!!
Echo: ECHO, Echo, echo!
Glorfindel: Hu ha!
Eomer: You're so immature!
:::suddenly, the hear a ferocious growl echo throughout the hallway:::
Ferocious Growl: GRRRRRR!
Ferocious Growl's echo: GRRRRRR, Grrrrrr, grrrrrr.
Eomer: O.O :::walks closer to Glorfindel:::
Glorfindel: What was that?
:::they walk a ways down, passing multiple paintings on the walls:::
Glorfindel: Get a load of these! :::points at painting:::
Eomer: Ewww! They're creepy!
Glorfindel: Look at this one. :::he points to a woman in blood red:::
Eomer: Eeerrrwwww! Let's go!
Glorfindel(povcam): Hold on! :::goes closer to the painting::: She's kind of pretty...
:::as the elf examines the woman, it seems to him her eye-line changes:::
Glorfindel(fcam): What the-?
:::suddenly, he jumps backwards and shrieks:::
Eomer: What?? WHAT???
Glorfindel: JUST RUN!!
:::as Glorfindel shoves Eomer along, Eomer sees that the woman in the painting is no longer there:::
Eomer: *SHRIEK!!!*
:::cut to Eomer's povcam view bouncing up and down as he runs:::
:::suddenly, Haldir and co. appear in the cam-view:::
Eomer: SAVE US FROM THE LADY!
Hadir: Whoa! Slow down!! What is it??
Glorfindel: JUST RUN!!!!
:::the others look at each other then tear down the hallway as fast as they can. Eomer finally scoops up Frodo, thinking that if he continues at that pace, he'll surely be caught:::
Frodo: EOMER! PUT ME DOWN!!
Eomer: No, no, you're too slow! She'll get you!! SHE'LL GET YOU!!!
:::Frodo peers over Eomer's shoulder and sees a woman dressed in red walking behind them, yet keeping up despite her seemingly slow pace:::
Frodo: O.O I'm 'bout sick of this place!!!
:::the group runs into Aragorn, Sam, Legolas and Boromir:::
Gimli: RUN, RUN!!!!
:::they join in, not sure why they're running, then they look back:::
Aragorn, Sam, Legolas, Boromir: *SHRIEK!!!* *run, run, run, run etc. etc.*
:::Eomer scoops up Sam, fearing he too will be caught:::
Sam: What the-???
Frodo: Hi, Sam!
:::cut scene to Faramir, Merry, Gandalf and Pippin:::
Merry: Do you hear approaching screaming?
Approaching Screaming: aaaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
:::the stampede charges right into the foursome:::
:::Eomer scoops up Merry and Pippin, obviously high on an adrenaline rush:::
Eomer: AAHHOOOO!!!
Hobbits: :::slung over his shoulders::: O.o
:::they run for some time, camera views switching back and forth to various povcams:::
Legolas: :::turns around to see the woman suddenly shoot up into the air::: Wait! Stop! :::slows down to a gradual stop::: Look! She's leaving!
:::the others stop and turn to see she has indeed left:::
Eomer: *huff* :::drops hobbits::: *puff* Thank *gasp* the Valar! *wheeze*
:::the contestants look around to see they have reached the courtyard:::
Arwen: *pant* What time is it??
Haldir: *gasp* :::looks at digital glow-in-the-dark watch::: 5:59 am!!! It's over!!
Aragorn: Only one more minute!!!
:::K & K come out of the shadows at exactly 6:00 am:::
Kisa: Congratulations!! You've survived the night!!
A voice from back(Our lawyers speculate it's Eomer): I HATE YOU!!
Kendall: I can live with that.
Kisa: Okay! :::claps hands together::: Now guess where you'll be spending tomorrow night!!
Group: *growl*
Kisa: Your own beds!
Group: Ooo! HOORAY!!!
Kendall: NOW LET'S GO PARTY!!!
Group: WWWHHHOOOOOOO!!!!
:::cut scene to some pub where the contestants are relaxing with Kendall:::
Kisa (filming): Aiight! Post-show interviews!! Woo hoo!
:::cut scene to Aragorn sitting at bar:::
Aragorn: I need a drink! Uhm, I'll never sleep in a bed by myself again! Thankfully, shnookums can keep me company!
Arwen (off-screen): Don't call me that!
:::cut scene to Gandalf at a table:::
Gandalf: I need a drink. It was... a learning experience.
:::cut scene to Legolas:::
Legolas: It was very broadening. But MAN do I need a drink!
:::cut scene to Gimli:::
Gimli: I still think the whole thing was stupid. Can I have a drink?
Kendall (off-screen): Well, you sure were running like a pansy at the end!
Gimli: You shut your-
:::cut scene to Boromir:::
Boromir: :::rubs face::: Ugh. I need a drink. I'll never sleep again.
Kisa (off-screen): That guy on the roof kinda traumatized ya, eh?
Boromir: O.O Why'd you have remind me...?
:::cut scene to Merry:::
Merry: A drink? Why not. It was okay. Yeah, it was scary! Falling flat on my face, turning over and getting attacked by some... thing! Still would've rather gone to the beach, or the mounta-
:::cut scene to Pippin:::
Pippin: I need a pint.
Kendall (off-screen): But you've had a whole half already! Ba-dum-dum-tish!
Pippin: Shut up! Or I'll bash your head with a metal pipe!
:::cut scene to Kisa giving Pippin a lecture on "how to be nice":::
Kendall: Did I hit the record butto-
:::cut scene to a very sulky Pippin:::
Pippin: I officially hate "Scariest Places on Middle-Earth"!
:::cut scene to Sam:::
Sam: I'm okay. :::looks off-screen::: I'm not so sure about Frodo...
:::cut scene to Frodo:::
Frodo: Can't you people just leave me alone???
Kendall (off-screen): Just tell us how it affected you.
Frodo: :::quite loudly::: AFFECTED ME??? I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT "AFFECTED ME"!!! I CAN'T BLINK WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF SOMETHING GRABBING ME NOW!!!!
Kisa (off-screen): *whimper* :::runs on-screen and grabs Frodo:::
Kendall (off-screen): Aw, for cryin' out loud!
:::cut scene to Haldir:::
Haldir: :::checks his teeth with Arwen's compact and waves to bartender::: Whiskey!! :::turns to camera::: When are you going to start rolling? You ARE? Oh geez. Uh, uh, it was scary, yeah! It was kind of nice to have two women to :::does finger quote-thing::: protect. It was REALLY scary when Frodo grabbed me. Thought a demon had attacked me!!
Kisa (off-screen): Watch it.
Haldir: NO! I didn't mean-! :::covers face with hands::: I'm too sleepy, can't think.
:::cut scene to Glorfindel:::
Glorfindel: It was just WHACK! Hoo! Never again, I assure you!
:::cut scene to Arwen:::
Arwen: I need a drink. A big one!! Well, I wanted to get out of the house, and I did. *sigh* I wonder if the nightmares and night terrors will be worth it...
:::cut scene to Eomer:::
Eomer: Well, carrying the hobbits was kinda nice. They're so shnuggley! No, I'm not drunk! Just a little shaken... Not stirred! Ba-dum-dum-
:::cut scene to Eowyn:::
Eowyn: Well, I got to see Frodo freak out! And it was hi-lar-ious!
Kisa (off-screen): I'm gonna- :::leaps on-screen and tackles Eowyn:::
Kendall (off-screen): Whoo! 'Nother cat fight!!
:::cut scene to Faramir:::
Faramir: It was CRAZY, dude! Everybody just runnin' around, "ARRR, ARRR!"!
:::cut scene to Elrond:::
Elrond: So, what makes a place scary? Is it the unknown? Is it the dark areas? O.o Was it Celeborn going "Oogha booga"? (Who WROTE these cue cards???) :::Kendall points at Kisa who raises a hand::: *sigh* That you must decide for yourself. I'm Elrond Halfelven. Good night.
:::walks off-set:::
:::cue credit music:::
Music: PARTY! LET'S PARTY!!!
:::continues through song:::
Credits:
The Creative Team of K & K wish to thank the following person(s)/TV show(s)/movie(s)/musical(s)/song(s) for their inspiration for lines, bits, and scenes: "The Lord of The Rings"; "Scariest Places on Earth"; "The Simpsons"; Haley/dc Talk; Peewee Herman; Chewbacca; "The Haunted Mansion" at Walt Disney World; "The Matrix"; Kameron W.; Duff Man; Milk commercial; "My Fair Lady"; "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"; "The Macerena"; That "I feel pretty" song from "West Side Story"; "Annie"; "Men In Black"; "Men In Black 2"; "Babe"; "Signs"; "Sphere"; "Darkness Falls"; Dad; Some Sauron spoof; "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"; "Sealab 2021"; "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"; "Evolution"; Kendall; Kisa.
Kendall wishes to thank: Aragorn, for not killing me when I do this:; Arwen, grrrroowwwll!; Legolas, you'll do alright; Boromir, for trying to kill Frodo; Frodo, I'm sorry; Kisa, very, very sorry. Have I ever told you how much I love you?; Gimli, for being cynical; Gandalf, for the White Tower of Ecthelion; Eomer, you're my half idol; Faramir, you had to marry somebody!; Eowyn, you try so hard to be attractive; Haldir, I can't believe they killed you off! You are so cool! Don't listen to them when they say you're prissy. Because you're not. Legolas is; Glorfindel, word; Sam, I don't care what those Germans say, you invented shredded cheese!; Merry, you're my favourite hobbit, but I can't think of what to thank you for!; Pippin, for looking like you've been shot through one cheek and out the other; Galadriel, you're pretty too; Celeborn, you're pretty too, but you've got some pretty big man hands there, buddy!; Elrond, for not trusting men. I don't trust us either; Gollum, I can do your voice better than you! Booyeah!; Magic, for being bright and sparkly!; Bea Arthur, for NOT putting your picture on the internet!; The One Ring; Homer Simpson, for grrrooowwwlll; Matt, I've got to have somebody I can irritate!; Peewee Herman, for AARRR; Chewbacca, for HHWWWAAARRRR!; And finally, Mr. Wuggles.
Kisa wishes to thank: God, for the sense of humour He's granted us; The backspace button; Kendall, for the long hours spent trying to figure out how to spell the sound an electric guitar makes and more! P.S., I'm going to hurt you for that Boromir/Frodo thing!!; Professor J.R.R. Tolkien, for this wonderful obsession-fueling series; Lauren, for staying up until 5:00am talking about the little things; Haley, for all the hours of script-writing, the GlorfiMac idea and teaching me O.O and O.o; The Moderators of Christian Tolkien Fans, for a tranquillizer and a lovely padded cell; The Christian Tolkien Fans, for the laughs and inspirations; Jean, Nienna, Haley, Gini, Jo, Judy, Sabri, Lauren and others for their support and cheers; Frodo, for being so dadgum cute and for not killing me when it was all over; Sam, for being so cool; Merry, for jumping a half-mile into the air when frightened; Pippin, for having a whole half already; Legolas, for being prissy in a cool way; Aragorn, for naming the shadow Spanky; Gimli, for thinking the whole thing was stupid; Boromir, for being Boz and having a name that sounds like a fog-horn; Faramir....for being there; Arwen, for tolerating a love-struck Kendall; Haldir, for your sarcasm; Glorfindel, for being GlorfiMac and wearing that bucket hat; Eowyn, for not killing your brother; Eomer, for not getting killed by your sister; Gandalf, for not thunking anybody (onscreen); Elrond, for letting me be so mean; Galadriel, for saying "Honeycomb of horror"; Gollum, for wearing that snazzy suit; Celeborn, for being on the TV and saying "Oogha booga"; "Scariest Places on Middle-Earth", for actually giving us funding; The cast of "The Lord of The Rings", for doing a awesome job on the movie instead of making it a monstrosity which would force me to hunt you down and take you out; Sauron, for the previously unmentioned picture of you lighting a cat on fire at age 7, for having a Teddy bear named Mr Wuggles and being a psycho...and being now dead; Dad, for all the "Simpsons" quotes and not minding the fact that I am insane; Mom, for not beating me when I act like an idiot; Squirrels, for having flammable tails; Matt, Nate and Lauren, for dubbing me the "Werebeaver"; Aunt Donna, for teaching me how to stay ON the horse!; dc Talk, for being down with the Son; AND FINALLY: All you dudes reading this right now, for laughing! YOU ROCK!! WORD TO THE FATHER, DO I HEAR "WORD"?
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