man i gota get outa this rut
Mood:  hug me
Well another day another night...raining at that :(... so i thought ALOT lately... and i think i found out alot about my self..... i can go threw ALOT of shit and it dosent get to me.... am i a bad person for being able to ride the bumpy roads or is that a fault... i dont think ... is it....i can hit a bump and keep going.. one of those things in life called a problem... i deal with it the way i can and move on... its down the road behind me time to look ahead... is that wrong :S....someone what is your idea of it....im honest... if i say i love you i mean it.. if i say something bothers me i mean it.. nothing changes not even a stupid fight....i care about every i have ever met and i will continue to care about them even if i dont stay in contact with these people...i mean what i say and i back it up... yea yea im not the best person to lean on BUT i am learning.... need people to lean on to learn how to be a person that can be leaned on right....guess its time to try and find a new circle of friends some new people to walk the road of life with... make new adventures and memories...i know where my heart sits... and there isnt a darn thing i can do about it really... try to keep calm and carry on....well enough blabin on about this shit.. if it make sence so be it if it dosent :S.... best i can do is say.... wanna talk about it....
chow for now
Ryan

another lonely sat night :(
Mood:  down
yea yea so ... i been a bit down lately... but how the hell can a person but not feel this way.... :S.... ever have that feeling that another person give you and u dont even know it till they are gone... like givin u the ambition to get up in the morning.... the drive to do things to make it better...the feeling of being able to say i love you.... man... its horiable to loose all those feelings in the blink of an eye... very scary really..... how can ONE person have such an influence on another and not even know it... or not even know how much they do mean to another.... fucked up i say.... its like ya breath something of them by just being in the same room... how messed up....people say move on... but how...like really... when ever since, a certain day, of a look across a room it seamed right.... why is it that a path goes one way then all of a sudden there is a road block...is it a learning place in time... or is it a sign....like can someone tell me... others can see the good in things.... why cant we see them all....is there a reason behind this mystery... or is it just misery that a person is suposed to go threw in their life.... is it a passing moment.... really though....so many unanswered questions... so many unresolved issues...but really... are these issues that much of a big thing that it comes inbetween people as it does unconditional is that in the dictionary... its in mine ... guess that is irrivelent... just makes a person wonder.... what is... "true"... what is .... "love"...... what are they together.... is this just a game we are forced to play... even though its nothing a person wants to play cause there isnt anything to win at the end.... or is that it, Competition that makes winners and looser in this game :S...and we dont even know it... ok back to what people want.... what is it.. :S... i know what i want its not that much.... i have lots to offer... i do....:S.... i have changed i will change and i am changin every day.... guess some dont see it... but i do... is that the main thing .... hummmm....im turnin 29 this year... and what do i have to show :S... not a dam thing...not where i want to be...but lord knows what i do want ... i just wish i could show how i feel inside to people on the out side :S... might actually prove something.... but when a person is a certain way for so long its a hard thing to do... but it is something that will happen... i do have faith in my self for this i see it everyday... just wish it could happen sooner than later... for the sake of...that stupid game we play... its just all a dam game... and wish someone would write down the rules and pass it around.. would make it more fair dont ya think.... man am i ever rambling on about nuttin.... just guess i had lots on my mind... hopefuly it dosent sound to messed up.... or someone can make sence out of it......so i should sign out for now.... enough said :S..... maybe some one who reads this will understand... it just dosent matter what anyone else says i know where my heart is...and where it fits... no one can take that away from me...
so this is me
signing out for now
Ryan

lots had happened
Mood:  sad
well been awhile since I posted anything 3 months.. where do I start... ok well.... me and amber got back together.man was I ever happy :)... always was really.... we both missed each other it was so clear we should be together..I also got to spend some time with her daughter whom I still loved and is just the most adorable little girl she has no idea how I feel about her.me and amber, we talked alot.. did lots of stuff together... for just being back together that is.... and well... like any relationship had our bickerings... normal.. but not as bad as before I don't think :)... I have changed alot... I try to listen and be concerning but guess I'm just not good enough at it :(.... so we did alot of talking resolved some issues but not enough :(... dam pringles and pizza just wont be the same no more :S..so just like anyone who knows me I loved her with all my heart like no one else.. always did and well to be honest always will :S... just nothing more I can do..... I have done alot of thinking realizing alot... but I guess time just isn't good enough and isnt on my side so today she came out and told me she cant be with me :(..... it hurts cause she was in my thoughts everyday.... about everything... guess I was just a fucken fool to think that we were doing great together but she didn't see any of it :(.... fuck I am stupid.....every day I still feel I will die a single man :(..... yea yea your thinking I just saying that cause she left me... but no I always think it :(.... she completed me fully... no one has ever put me in my place and made me see it like she does...er did but none the less I will keep trying to look towards the future to make new friends and who knows what will happen..... just wish I had amber by my side to walk threw this crazy thing called life together cause I don't know if I would want it any other way.... I would walk 1000 miles just to hear her say I love u again, but I cant force someone to love me :(...I guess i will just have to try and suppress all my thought about future with her and her daughter cause it will just do me no more good :(....I am not worthy....a home with love and kids to fill it is all a person needs really :(..... man hard to believe that is something so hard to attain yea yea... I should stop blabbing but I'll just have to put something down so I can look back at it and well either laugh or realize who knows.....just want to say from that night at that house I first seen ya...... it was love... :(... always there never lost never will.....just want to say I Love You amber till what is after this crazy thing called life, if you happen to come across this

Let See what good has happened lately
Mood:  happy
well lets see... bunch of good stuff happened lately.... where do i start... didnt go out this weeekend really..... good i guess.. went to the cottage and got a bunch done.. not all but a bunch...... and well..... talked to some great people lately..... resolved some issues... and things are great....... baby steps is how its described :)... but all good and today got new plugs and wires on the truck... wow... brand new truck... but still i hate the dam paint lol... bay truck it is.... what else... hummmmm.... another day is over for winter and one day closer to spring... and only 85 days till our dominican trip..... :D.. that is good..... so yea guess this week has been realy good.... i smiled alot which is a change for me for so long.... but its good....
well
chow for now
Ryan

wednesday eh :P...
Mood:  a-ok
well lets see..... wed night... movie... humm.... OK what happened reciently... oh yea i was sick as hell last week :(... had the shits :P.. yea yea to much info... didn't do nothing all weekend i mean NOTHING.... well watched a movie with a friend on Sunday night.. that was really nice :).... what else... oh yea Monday got the truck registered finally... now... see how it works... worked fine the past 3 days... cross your fingers.... still want my baby back on the road... not the convertible though... the shaggin waggin... so yea ... was late this morning cause i had the shits again :(.... very bad to :| was almost going to go to the doctors... dint feel like eating... just drinking Gatorade and eatin what i can right now :S... hopefully it wont come again tomorrow :S.... what else.... oh yea katie had her thingy today.... i pray to god it went with sucess.... i imagine it did.... if not she is to stubborn to let it take her down :P.... love ya katie :)...... I'm here for ya..... what else :S>.. guess that is about it.... time to sign out and check out whats on the boob tube... maybe watch a movie i rented the other night... maybe...
cheers for now
Ryan

howdy
Mood:  hug me
so here i sit... sick :(... but other than that i am in not to bad of a mood.... met a few cool people lately.... and planning on doing something this weekend i hope:)..... always great to meet some new people to hang around with still dont have my truck on the road only thing left is to register it then ill be good to go till something else happens.... so x mas wasent to bad really now that i have thought about it sober hahahha... new years was pretty good with my extended family the macdonalds.... u guys are the best ... any who... i must go get something to eat so i can beat this cold.... chow for now..
laterz

well hello
Mood:  don't ask
so yea.... here i am its like 215 and i am smashed solid... fun times to put an entry in.. haha no correcting of spelling either lmfao.... so new years eve was pretty good... hung out with the macdonalds and others.. around 10 of us there it was fun... dranks lots... acted foolish and all... it was good..... dam past always catches up with me..... god i gota do something to get that shit outa my head... emotional shit dammit.... so yea me and katie went out.. fun times it was danced a bunch see people i wanted to see and others i didnt want to see so much... as some can understand...... but good... so i woke up ... 3 hours sleep... fun... do the math.... started drinkin again at 8 this morning holy fuck.... i cant do that shit... aw well... i got razed big time aw well nothing changes lol... but i did make it out after 4 when i did get a little nap in hehe... i dont give up on anything i do lmfoa. so tonight was fun.. me the macdonalds and mike it was fun.. Miscouche legion first then the wing then to secondstory hahaha judy rocks :D... pics commin... hehe... then heritage.... oh joy oh blus... guess who i seen there fun fun... if u know me u know who i am talkin about... yea ahd had the gawl tu come up and ask how my fucken new years was... what do u think :(.... being alone ya know with out someone to care about makes for a shitty new years and x mas for that matter... the fucken likes... get your heart broken and see how u feel when someone tries to talk to u .... god i could have said lots but why the fuck bother... i cant do it... outa sight outa mind... expecially when a person finds out someone u suposadly cared for was lying to ya.. and continues.... hahah put up a wall my fucken ass.... yea i do dwel on shit when it involves my gd heart... who the fuck doesnt to a point...it was almost as if she cared.. but where the fuck was the boy toy... haha typical... i know her to well.... wow.... what can i say.....well nothing more... sept i still commin home alone... to an empty house... good thing is i can crank the tunes any time of year hahaha and dont need to worry about it lmfao... joy oh bliss.... ok well... im fallin asleep here and i gota crash.... take care all who reads this and u know who out there i care so much for :)... i guess happy new years and the whole shebang hehe chow

hello
Mood:  don't ask
so yea.. waht do i do.. i sittin her drinkin alone as usual... bored fucken crazy.... one thing that has been on my mind for some time now is keelyn and amber :(.... what the fuck is up with that...been almost a year... now i start thinkin of them :(... prob cause it was about a year ago today that things started to feel awsome... i loved them both..and x mas meant something to me :).. then.. now this year... what a fucken waste of a holiday... i just wish it wopuld go by realy dam fast..... maybe ill move in the new year... let see where shal i go... NZ... Halifax.... scotland.. who the fuck know... well prob no where.. :S.. i suck... no friends really.... family are the only ones that i talk to.... well... cousins... whom i love with all my heart... they stand beside me reguardless... as i do to them.... aw welll... fuck i ramble on about nothin when i drink.
fuck it all... so what do i do.. go out or stay the fuck hom.... go out maybe... maybe meet someone.... NOT FUCKEN LIKELY.... it will be another 2 years i find anyone i even think i might want to date quote... typical... ryan status... miserable for couple years then something crazy happens... meet someone... maybe i mightg meet the one... cant see it but who the fuck knws really :S... fuck it all..... well i am siging off for now... i am drunkand rambled enough chow..... merry x mas to all who it means alot to .. and to all who dont ... try ot make it threw the best u can.. cause i know i am sure as fuck just trying to make it :(..... cheers all
Ryan

bored fucken crazy
Mood:  blue
so its been a few days eh.. i forget what i posted last.. but yea ... so i lost my job.. niceeeeeeeee. just before x mas and all.. isnt that just fucken lovely... just because i didnt have the money to spend on a 6 grand truck.... oh well fuck him... ill find another job... fuck it ill try something new... cant be anything lost if i do... and still no roomate ... im starvin here... no money .... bills galore... its starting to fucken suck ass...... x mas is going to blow.. hard... still just lookin forward to dominican... that is all that keeps me going.... so back to this again if anyone out there needs some smalls jobs done up let me know... send me an e mail or a msg ... not to much i cant do .... so i must go find something to do for a bit.. chow....

howdy
Mood:  spacey
so its been a couple days since i posted..hum what is new... well almost got the truck inspected ....... grrrrrrr not impressed.. found out the rear end was shot so spent all day fri trying to get the gear set out of the convertable.. fun fun.. hopefully THIS week i may have a truck... doubt it but everyone cross your fingers.... so hum my life eh... last weekend was a waste of time.... this fri was a waste of time i should have just stayed home but oh well to stubbern i guess... yes so awhile back i met this girl :).. sweet girl seamed to have goals in life which is cool... always told me she is honest... but guess cant always believe everyone can ya... fuck it all.. no wonder i am the way i am hahahaha got so much to give but when someone fucks with it.... watch the fuck out...X MAS is around the corner... SUCKS ASSS...... going to suck... wish i had somewhere to go... maybe ill just go for a weekend drive if i have the rig.... wander the roads...... who knows... going to be wayyyy different with out the little girl around ... she made my x mas last year :(..... hope she has a good one this year also....... anyways enough NEGATIVE shit :P.... cause that is me hahahah just sit and listen to me someday.. not at how i am talkin but what i am saying.. it might fool ya :P:P.... so signing off for now chow
later
Ryan