i gota be F'in insane
what the heck is wrong with me.... every time i see a pic a vision or get a feeling i go about 4 years backward... wtf is up with that... i work 12hrs a day but stil i find a moment to get these feelings screwing with me.... why is that so.. jeese.. really does anyone else have this prob or ever herd of it... i just cant seam to push it aside what so ever... what does it take to just relize its done.... :S but then again is it... man oh man... well i have no idea really... its just plain difficult... the onlyh thing i have these days to keep me going is the ablity to get my bills paid off or paid down... its slowing happening... and another thing is to visit PEI once again soon... will be 7 months since i set foot on that wonderful red soil... the first of july i hope to be home for the festival of light but we will see.... first time since highschool i will actually have time off.... how do u say road trip me and JP its going to be interesting... no rules.. no worries.. just two guys who have alot on their minds to sort shit out... thats about it... he is excited and so am i really... get to see my cuz's and all my new friends i met before i left.. just have to plan things wisely is all ... but it wil happen... who knows what will happen between now and when i get home.. maybe i will see things more clearly and be settled with things.. maybe not... all iknow is i wish i could go back in time and do things differently... but untill someone makes a time machine i guess i have to deal with the crap i done in the past... well nite for now.. gettin late well sorta is but not 3 hours time difference..
cheers
god bless
good nite
good morning
and see ya all soon
Ry

some days
well here i am... made it to calgary.. oh joy oh blyss.... interesting first week.... 3 rooms of our guys had to leave the hotel... some messed up problems.. one they moved 2 guys into another room and lost apparently ... their food... messed up but oh well guess its sorted out...oh well not my problem... plus alot of friggen crap going on at work... why do i always seam to be the go to guy when things are messed up royally... why... jeese... why cant people have some common sence and look at what they are doing make things safe and do it once... UGGGGGGGG.. sometime i just wanna leave.... i soooo wanna be back on the island its sickening... i met alot i mean ALOT of great friends i truly trust... but jeese all my shit is back home... everything i know :S... im still finding it hard being here.. so far away.... most people on the crew are from BC or closer... they dont have far to go.... aw wel.... i guess i am just a bit depressed today.. thinking about alot of past experiences... and wishing i could ride my mind of these.. they are starting to be a burden on me... every time i spend a few moment alone... with out any distractions they all come back.... its very mentally draining....someday i might be able to forget all these painfull memories and look at it as great experiences.... wow... im just messed up tonight :S.... i wanna go out alone and just get drunk but who konws where ill end up ..... or maybe i should.... :S.... dunno really..... well just gota say anyone who reads this from the Isle and knws me well i miss everyone i know greatly and i will be home in due time... just gota sort shit out.
cheers
peace out
god bless
Ry

will it ever end
well i dont know what is up with me.. my mind is playing some nasty tricks on me now... wtf is up with that... i go to the bar and i see someone.. dammit i think its her... i almost loose it... then find out its not.. no chance of it being her.. but jeese it scares me... happens every dam time i go out... but wow... sometimes i pray and wish it was her... call me crazy i guess... is it worth having so many people call me nuts or crazy for even wanting to think of being back with her again.. is this normal... i do not know any more.... like mom said i seams to be liking it out nere.. not so negative any more.. guess its the money... stressless so far.... but back to that thing.. wow... i misss so much of her.. the way she lookd at me when we did go out to a bar and no one new we were together... when she came in from shoveling the car out and her face all red and her hair messy.... these are the things i think about.. along with all the memories i had with her... back of trucks bedford highway... the pools at EYES.... moncton trip.. soooo much... ever last thing i miss about her..... so many things about the little one to.... i just hope these feelings will pass... i am absolutely usless to anyone until i can get over these feelings.. if i even will.....4 months and ill be 30 wow... no married.. no kids.... nothing has changed since highschool.... its really starting to bother me.... 4 years ago i thought i would be married settled down by now or what not..... but wow.. what a speed bump i hit... now with relationship stuf i am at my lowest... i cant even look at a nice woman and say wow... she is awsome.... dont get no feeling of hey i wanna see this girl again really soon.... just not there.... :S... it keeps going back to her... uggggggg...... welll i must run pack up my crap and head down to calgary for a party then work for bunch of weeks hopefully make some awsome cash.... so i am out here
peace out
god bless
Ry

Dreams and Deja vu
ok so anyone out there know what this crap means... well the whole deja vu thing just freaks me out at times... but then there are these dreams i have... they are so vivid its scary.... i have them about people... as almost as if its a sign to contact these people... or not... i made i this far from recovering from stuff but now i wake up late at night panicing and stuff. not knowing what to do... all confused then relize it was a dream... but jeese it effects how i feel and stufff... i dont like that.. makes the thoughts and hopes all come back again.... is this normal or not... i do not know...i just know in the past i feel things then i come to find out i should have acted on those feelings... how strange it seams... i believe i might have talked about this before but today now.. well its like 955 right now.. and i was up at like 530 and couldnt sleep cause of another one of these so called dreams... am i crazy.... what is it :S... i wish i could get past this because there is so much out there for me i know it... but when your stuck in a certain place in your heart its hard to just forget stuff... and when these things come back in a weird way... its like wow... wtf is going on here..... anyways im doing not to bad... dealing with stuff now and again... but other than that doing not to bad... still dont know how long i am stying out here.... but one good thing i got a truck now so i can go touring around finally.....just keep checkin back to see whats up
cheers
Ry

do u know who u are cause i think i know who i am
well its been what 3 or more months or so i been out here in the wild west... and sometimes thats what it is... wild... only if i let it really.. Edmonton is a nice city so far anyways.. nothing happened yet to make me hate it YET... still looking for a vehicle so i can tour around more ... that will come with time... so bout my heading.... been sometime that i didn't really know who i am.... i think i might have figured it out... i am me... some people like me... some don't... but have been getting alot of why cant u be who u are when u are alone with people than with a group.. guess that is called something but i don't know it right now.... i know i will help anyone i know... i don't talk about people... i like to think i am kind.. have good beliefs.... am i a good person i like to think so... made alot of good friends here in edmonton... all of which fit in a certain part of my heart... those know more some know less.... also the whole different cultures thing is awsome... i met some great people.... a great Asian fella that i can say is a good friend of mine.. met a what u call east Indian lady friend which is awsome.... i care about all these people alot... even some people who are born and raised in the city limits.. ihave alot of respect for these people also they show me different things about the world i wouldn't have seen other wise..... i am a small town guy from a small province with small beliefs in society... guess taking it slow is the island way of life... if i live in a city long enough guess ill adapt to the go fast hurry up.. gotta get it done type of living these people call their home ... but as for this guy... taking it easy and taking one day at a time is my rule... people don't get hurt and stressed out so much that way... nothing wrong with going fast just guess i am not used to it all but maybe in due time ill understand.... so my morals are easy... take it easy... i wanna be in love again dunno if that will happen... not saying it wont but not saying it will... been hurt.. and still those parts of my heart haven't healed yet from my past relationships.. guess u call that a learning road... a bumpy one but a learning one i guess.... but i know i am me.... people met me say i am unique.. but that makes me... those same people say don't change cause that is how u are.... i feel i can change with the right people around me... whether its for love or awsome relationships who knows.... friendships are awsome... i just want to take everyone back home and show them my life.... what i do when i am down what i do when i am up... someday i just might find someone that wants to share that with me... and we can change together... that is how life goes doesn't it... change together....that is wha ti want.. i want to change together with someone... i shouldn't have to just change.. its a learning thing.... man oh man i just blab on about stuff when i get in here.... prob isn't making sense but should it really... this is what goes on threw my thinking and in my head.... take it as u wish.... anyways i must go finish up some stuf.... laundry and cleaing... take care to anyone who reads this...
and i miss PEI.. and i will be back.... a change man in some ways and in others ill still be the same ole sarcastic do anything for anyone... helping hand... that everyone back home knows..... u can change how u are with somethings but u cant change who u are...
peace
god bless
good nite
Ry

it has been awhile
well now... what have i been doing... lets see..... partied this past weekend was a wicked time... Red Deer is pretty fun town...went down on fri with a bunch of people and stayed till sunday at a hotel... partied on fri... fun times... see some wicked ass bartenders... blowing fire balls and shit... got vids of that stuff.... seen a wicked band also.. bagpipes rock :D.... sat well relaxed at a good friends place most of the day after i cooked them pancakes and stuff :D.. but its all good... then i finally got into the mood sat night.. uggg 2 nights in a row... went out to some wild bills and met up with a shit load of POFers.... was an awsome time.. met a bunch i been looking forward to meeting... wicked times had by all.... took a bunch of pics.... not to many just enough :D.... so been gettin weird questions asked to me lately... who ya seeing who ya dating... just wanna make it clear not seeing anyone.. yea going out to (meet) people that is about it.. nothing major... being as i am 5000km away from (my) home i unsure if iwant to get to close to anyone... but one never knows i guess.... my heart just isnt where i want it right now..... also as for how long i am going to be around here... uncertain also... but i am pretty sure ill be back on the isle for awhile this summer reguardless if i stay till fall... ill see :).... so that is a bit of new info no what i been up to... check back soon in the new link for some new pics from recient events :D...
cheers
god bless
Ry

where were u a year ago today
year ago today eh... hummm should i go back and read... nope dont think so.. but i have a good idea of where i was.... this is one of those days i dont care who u are but u should have someone to say ya love.. or even show how much u care... do something for someone even if its a stranger or even someone whom u think dosent want to hear from ya... er why not eh... it shows how u really feel i guess.. even though some people wont believe it... just gota say to anyone who reads this i do care about yas all... some more than others but i do cherrish all my friends new friends and family more so than i have before... even little people that i had great contact with i care about alot also.... so on that note i guess i should take off get cleaned up and ready for another day of work...
cheers
god bless
pease out
Ry




PS happy V Day ....



A&K

where it starts
starts with a picture
then a hi
then a chat
then a touch and the heart starts to race
then a hug
then a kiss
then a snuggle night being close
then a deep conversation about hopes and dreams
then making dreams come true
then talking about the future
then making the future happen
........
ok where did i go wrong
all i have to say is ugggg... what is wrong with me... really though.. if something all falls into place is it something that should be worked on so much harder or not... or is it just a learning curve.... cause icant seam to wrap my head around it.... i cant just tell my self... its a learning experience.... everything just seams right about the situation.... where is all this crap commin from in this tiny usless head of mine.. all i do is use numbers and now this crap is comming out :S.. uggg.... i see things i read things all i do is get excited about people .. their achievements... their health... their familys.... but yet i cant do one darn thing to better my self.... i moved 5000 kms away to see if i could find my self.. .i cant... i feel like i am just in jail.. stuck in this house no way out... i know where my heart is.. PEI.. i know where i want my heart to be... enough said.... am i foolish here.... should i be where i want to be and just make due.. or is this what I am suposed to be doing.. sorting out shit that i cant sort out... its like plus 7 degs out and my head is so full of stuff right now.. home in the house alone... beautiful day.. no one to head outa this place with.. everything is to dam far to bother going to .... i just keep looking at those beautiful blue eyes and it makes everything seam ok.. even when i am almost to my lowest.... a good friend left today that well we bonded quite well... he wil always be in my heart to much in common and we understand each other on so many levels... on day we wil get to hang out again... and little kids... some just well get under your skin and some just do and u love it.. u love them and u miss them like crazy and dont know what to do about it.... another learning curve maybe or what.... well i dunno what is in store for me in the next few months.. some interesting things are commin up at work.. maybe workin in calgary for 6 weeks.. everything included i hope anyways... lodging and food.. which would be great to get away and see that city... and some of my other family that is down there....so well i must run get cleaned up ... and desided on what i am doing tonight.. figure something out...
cheers all
god bless
chow for now
Ry

The Power Of Music
WOW is all i can say... it is funny how music makes the world go round.. when u truly think about it music is the life blood to alot of things.. in oversea countrys they make their own music to entertain them selves in ours country we use music for lots of things people play music at weddings... at funerals for some people... amazing grase for some irish or scottish funerals... how amazing when u think of it how powerful it can be....a person can listen to a song and get completly freaked out and so dam made in one second... but then listen to the right song and things from the past get surfaced again and make a person very sad... its so dam powerful its amazing... how can just listening to music make a person feel so close to someone but then at the same sence make it feel like they are so far appart.... does music mean more to a person with their lives.. if they happen to hear songs that make them sad or happy should a person act on it... or should they take it as another step in life something to deal with .... could it also be signs.. if u think of a certain someone while this song plays and u want to talk to them or u want to pound them... what is it really.. i still cant believe it... i listen to some songs and they are my life true and true and make me think of all my past relationships.. then i listen to other and makes me think of one person one moment one place in time that i wished i had back or could have back again.. but i guess that is what music does creates memories and makes a person reflect back on them... to this day there is still some songs i cannot listen to as i know they bring so much hurt and heart ach back to the surface only cause it brings back so much memories of happyness but at the same time so much hurt cause those things are gone... someday i can listen to them.. and well how some songs bring up so much pain in a pissed off way that u cant bare to listen to it for fear or tearing someones head off.... its powerful... anyone can feel it... people dance to it... powerful... why cant people just say fuck off im listening to music and its going to make me a better person cause of it.. but that isnt it.. i think music is created for memories... u can look at a video but videos are way different than the memorys u portray in your head ... the ones in your head are much more vivid cause your mind created that moment.. burned it into your mind.. and music triggers it to come out... much more power ful than watchin a dam video....wel i am raving on about nothing here and i should head to bed.. thik about the things i thought about the things i did .. past present and future and try and deside on what i want to do with my life with others... do i want to take a bit step... take it slow... or just jump head first and see what comes outa it.. but one thing i do know as long as my heart is beating and long after music is going to create memories for everyones including me
signing off.
uncertain but happy
unhappy but curious
sure but undesided
lonely but content
peace out
god bless
cheers
Ry

2005 year in review for Ryan
so where do i begin .. my year of 2005 in a whole... lets see.. ok.. back last year of this time... weird things had happened... well the new year started off weird... an old not to old but an old flame came around again.. we started talking... well how u call it baby steps... which turned into huge steps.. but it was all good... things went awsome.. better than before well ithought... future was looking up for us.. but i guess i was just wrong :S well that is what happens i guess.. people u love so much cant actually see how much u care... maybe some days she will relize how i feel about her... so after dealing wit that stuff i tried to move on best as i could... met a bunch of new great friends.. did some habitat stuff which was great... met some people threw that.. krista... she rocks.. and a bunch of her friends which rock also... in my travels i also met a bunch from up west.. made some awsome relationships ... :).. jody.. shannon.. char.. krista... mitchel.. jen.. and who ever else i met at the ole alberton arms... so that brings me to my drinking events.. i puked some.. danced some.. made an ass outa my self.. but what is new haha... so this past year summer was quite quiet... went to the canada festivities.. had fun with friends.. dawn... met some great people from the USA.. Meredith and Lisa.. great girls... wow i am jumping around here alot eh.. oh well this is my blog so get the fuck outa it lol... so yea... i worked on a million dollar home this past summer.. met the owners great bunch... and they took me down to Maine to visit meredith :D.. awsome 36 hour trip i had :D... now that takes me to what end of sept or so... what is new... well mom talked bout me buying the house which i want to.. tough when i owe like 25 grand.. what to do.. i was still workig with dave great guy... doing a warehouse.. ok so mom suggested me to head west.. head west young man head west haha.. so well i thought about it for a long time... lots of things on my mind this past summer... well... she was on my mind alot... not that i talked to anyone jsut tried to deal.. and well leaving ole PEI was a big step for me.. hardest thing i ever done.. leave all my new friends from east and west.. i new i was going to miss them all.. found some true honest friends .. been awhile since i could say that so i desided to leave.. pack up what i needed and leave the rest till when i go home.. big thing...never flew never lived away from PEi.. and well i was doing it alone uggg... so here i was jumping on a plane watchin my folks cry for the first time in like ever.. guess they were sad to see their baby boy leave ... not knowing if he will ever be back.. but i will.. sooner than later... and yea i was a litle choked to leave also.. big thing for me... but now i am here.. trying to make new friends which i have.. brad.. tracey... nicole... JP... Shawn.. greg... erin... alison... who ever gawd there is so many.. matt.. who ever i forgot dont get mad just tell me off haha.. anywho i am on the hunt for a car been since i got here back in well nove 27 or so.. been almost 2 months.. money is good.. just need to get it rolling in steady..but its all good... get some stuff paid down make friends.. and see some concerts... well who did i see.. Theory of a dead man... Tom green doing rap.. seen bryan adams and soon to see Nickelback.. and tones more on the go... that just about brings it up to date for my past year... some left out for personal reasons some left out cause it was borings but there was so much that happened in my life of 2005 i cant sum it all up in one blog.. dont want to bore everyone with it now do i .. haha.. well cheers for now.. goood nite god bless and keep checking back as i will update shortly
cheers
Ry