Hullo all. A few days ago my genius nephew David asked for me to do some crazy assed reference for a school project. Check it out. I tell you, this reference is a passport to fellatio - they will not only hire you, they will make you head of the firm.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Personal Reference for Hon. David Michael Peter Kulessa VII
In the fifteen years I have known David Kulessa, I’ve been asking myself, my family, friends (and dare I say it – God himself) just what kind of miracle could have formulated such a perfect soul. To credit it to good DNA, a good upbringing… none of it matters. What you have here is a future Man of the Moment. Let me tell you a tale.
Imagine yourself in a maternity ward, April 1990. The world is in dire straits. Bob Hawke is running our country into a ditch and Freddie Mercury is dying of AIDS. Into this world comes a baby. There was no 3 Wise Men, no Star in the sky… but nonetheless there was a baby with extraordinary powers. The one known as David Kulessa.
David has struggled his whole life to represent himself as a competent and powerful street fighting kind of guy. His acting abilities are second to none (though the vacuous casting director of “Parallax” failed to see this, awarding the part to a suitably GIMPY young idiot who can’t act). In his years of acting he has proven that he is made of the right stuff, and has used his acting on numerous occasions to convince us that there’s more than one person hiding inside that very boofy head of his. Don’t let him fool you, there’s not a crowd of schizo’s in there – JUST ONE great, magnificent guy.
And never let it be said that he’s dull. Noo siree. David Kulessa is possessed of a sharp wit, and has also been recognised as a polite individual who’ll never snap under pressure.
Aside from a scintillating and child-genius type role in a school
production (as the somewhat idiotic sidekick to a musical villain) he has
mainly demonstrated his acting ability (to me at least) in film.
I recall a time at Lorenz Films Studios when we were up at 4 in the morning
trying to nut out the main villain for The Horror 1. Times were tough, the
suits were breathing down my neck and filming was taking place – THE
FOLLOWING MORNING. We were up against a wall – when suddenly, on a whim
(perhaps, Divine Intervention?) David began speaking as a man taken over by
another being. He was no longer David Kulessa – he was Doctor Biblo.
The character was spawned before my very eyes and the production was saved!
(Let it be said that the movie had rave reviews).
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that at Shenton College, there are few… few Media Gods. There was one (once, but he left in 2003...) but nobody has stepped up to the plate as yet. It’s merely been hamfisted teenagers struggling with iMovie to produce 2 minute movies that everybody hates. But I dare say that the Media staff of Shenton College are in for something they haven’t seen in almost 3 years – David Kulessa is a master filmmaker in the making and will only go up from here.
His successes in film have gone from strength to strength, having reprised this role once (and very soon, he’ll be at it again) and also introducing us to many interesting characters such as Toronto the Mad Knife Murderer.
David has never been one for outdoor activities, let’s
face it. He’ll run, he’ll practice sworldplay… but even
though his disdain of physical activity is deeply rooted, he will still put
this aside for the TEAM. In 2001 we were on a trek in the Himalayan mountains
and midway through our ascent of the eastern face of the Chagori (which our
guide told me that in the Balti language meant “Great Mountain”)
when I slipped and fell down a 70 degree slope of razor sharp ice. The team
immediately heard my many call for help but I was beyond their reach.
But it seemed, that the words ‘beyond my reach’ have never been
a part of David Michael Peter Kulessa’s vocabulary. This kid reaches
for the stars every day, and this day in August 2001 was no different.
Using tooth floss to secure himself to the ice, he lowered himself down (dodging
avalanches of snow and falling climbers) to grab a hold of my failing arms.
Before I knew it, I was back at Base Camp and ready to start again –
all because of his heroic abilities as a climber.
As I said, he prefers not to reveal this side of himself to ANYBODY.
David’s strong English skills are demonstrated by his
numerous awards over the years (you may recall, a certain David’s name
appeared on the hallowed lists of Pulitzer Prize winners back in 2002…)
but his language skills don’t stop there.
When we were on a journey across the ice wastes of the Innuit we were beset
by these wild men from the north. They took us hostage and tied us to a spit
– it seemed we’d be the main course at a mighty feast!
I couldn’t understand a word they were saying and was certain that we’d
be stabbed to death and fed to seals – but in under five minutes, David
had secured our release, fifty kilos of free fish, a guide back to Ontario
AND the local chieftain had promised me his daughter’s hand in marriage!
Tell me you can beat that!
But to bring this interesting and totally factual reference back to the matter
of David’s English Skills – yes, he possesses them. Or should
it be said, they possess him? His creative writing is pure genius. He is able
to take words – these inept jumbles of 26 letters… and weave them
into a heavenly tapestry that transports oneself to a higher place…
that is the imagination. When it comes to the English language he is unmatched
– merely because he Dares to Dream.
David’s computer skills are also second to one. I mean none. He can without fail deliver time and again when given tasks to complete in this intimidating and scary Digital Realm. Our internet allies have often wondered just what kind of man could produce such incredible work. Often I just say ‘leave it to David! He’s a great guy!’, and I feel that if you get to know him, you’ll be saying the same thing within a week.
Where does one go from here? He’s 15 and has already lived the life that many of us older folk can only dream of, in childish envy. To that I say that there is nothing stopping David, or indeed any of us! I say that the Honorable David Michael Peter Kulessa VII is headed up in the world, and that nothing (not even Death itself) would be able to stop the momentum of this child prodigy, this master of the world. Who would’ve thought that something like this could have grown from those humble beginnings in King Edward Memorial Hospital back in 1990 (when all he could do was cry at those who were better than him).
It is my well informed, totally impartial and wise opinion that Sir David (whoops – they haven’t knighted him YET, but they will…) would be more than an asset to any workplace. In fact – the workplace could be seen as an asset to him. Take from this letter what you will. Know only that any decision concerning David (except one that says ‘fire David’) would be the wisest one you could make. In the interests of fostering amity between all parties concerned, I merely state that I hope you make the right choice. The David choice.
Yours sincerely
Rev. Scotty Wilson George Peter Lorenz I,
Wednesday 29th April 2005 A.D.
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Now I may be delusional (heck you'd have to be, with hair like mine) but is that not the finest piece of literature to smack the face of the Earth since BIll Shakespeare sat down and mumbled 'I'm in the mood for something Scottish today'? But this isn't where it stops. No - this is (as David would so fondly say) where the fun begins.
TO WHO IT MAY CONCERN
Personal reference for Paul "Pumping Dynamo" Erwin Lorenz.
There was a time, back before 1970, when the world didn't know which way it was spinning. Girls didn't know what fun was, men felt they were at the top of their game, and the world governments of the, world... knew full well that they were in charge because they had "the Bomb".
Then Paulie happened.
Hard times were ahead - mere weeks later, Jimi Hendrix was to die. The 70's saw the world become a paranoid place (what with Vietnam and the Nixon scandal and all) but Paulie was just the tonic that this sick sick world needed. Even at birth there was an exciting tale to tell. Most babies sort of flop out and whinge heaps. Paulie shot out like a cannonball and sued the hospital for not installing a trampoline.
There are many fields in Paulie's diverse wheatbelt of life. Ehm... what I mean to say is that Paulie has immersed himself in many diverse fields in his life. Music, acting, parenthood and bedroom activities are but a few of his specialities (or so I've heard - I'm a happy outsider on one or two of these ).
One time on the set of Horror 2 things were looking pretty doomed. Tina, David and I sat around looking glum knowing full well that the movie was going nowhere. But there was a loud slam at the front door. Paulie strode into the room like the ghost of Ali and began whipping us into a frenzy with his rhetoric. I don't actually recall what was said but it's like Live Aid - it will stick in your mind like the bullets stuck to JFK. He single handedly lifted that film project from the gutter where it lay, and into the upper echelons of High Cinema.
It was probably his masterful and craftsmanlike performance in the Horror 2 which made him stand out. Possibly one of the actors of our age, Paulie stole the show with such emotional lines as 'so now someone's out to kill you laddie'. Such strong and powerful emotive prose would've baffled supposed 'actors' like Peter O'Toole and James Earl Jones. But Paulie took us scriptwriters to task and made our good script into a magnificent movie.
Paul has also made himself heard on the many stages of this fine city. When asked 'why aren't you on Broadway?' it's usually because he thinks it's a den of fags and double crossers, and certainly not because of a lack of talent. His love of music has intruded on his private life on occasion - sometimes when the going gets tough and Paulie wants to get something done FAST, he indulges in a bit of a musical montage. Take for instance, when he found out another line had been cut from Horror 3. He sped over to the local abandoned warehouse and began DANCING his fury away. Singing too (some song where the main lyric was 'never' 'never' 'NE-VEEEERRR'), but mostly dancing.
I'm just a poor little guy trying to make it in this crazy world
but I know one thing. I can fully depend and rely on the inimitable, undying
and immortal talents of one Paul Erwin Lorenz.
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You don't have to be ashamed, cry it all out. The fact is, you don't have to pinch yourself, you are not dreaming. People like me DO exist!
(That's a joke by the way.)
Aaaaaaaaanyway... off to bed.