Now Playing: life, a life for others
i can only smile and laugh for the sake of other's happiness,,i can only do things for the sake of others,,i can only joke and gay around so that others will feel happy,,i can only help others and improve myself for the sake of others,,i can only pretend,,and i think i did a pretty good job because i was pretending and i made others think that im ok,,,and after a long day,,i can only find myself crying and tearing and feeling scared and hopeless for myself every night,,thinking of her,,thinking of my life,,thinking of my futureless future,,thinkin of my family,,thinkin of my brother,,,and knowing that nothing i do will change what's fated,,,all i can do now is that,,,every night,,i cry like a baby before i sleep,,feeeling scared,,feeling alone,,,feeling useless,,feeling hopeless,,,feeling that my life's not worth living for,,,im glad that i can hide everything from others again,,,but i dont know if i can do that in school,,i dont know what will i become,,if i end myself like that,,others will feel crap,,,the others will be screwed up in a way, others that i promise that ill hlep will loose out,,,i dont know,,,im trying so damn hard with life,,,im startin off by keeping myself fit,,,,,im giving myself 14days of conditionin and eating like a sensible person,,,,behind all,,,my mind is always with her,,,my heart will always be with her,,,,no matter how much i want her,,no matter how much i need her,,i just want her to be happy,,even though if she want to
live her own life or even if she likes some1 else,,it's better to have sorrow than to give others sorrow,,its better to be hurt that to hurt others,,it is better to be blamed than to blame others,,,my life is now not for me,,,but for others,,,i swear,,,that if i dont have the team,,i dont have kat,,and if i feel that i have nothing to live for,,,other than troubling others,,ill end it,,ill find a way,,,and this blog is for others to see,,i hope what's in my mind now will nvr come true,,,but if it does,,i jsut hope this blog will explain to others why im better of dead,,,i hope this is all out of depression,,cuz im having this thought in my mind almost every minute,,,and every time i disappoint others,,that's just makes it easier for me,,,life is screwed up,,i jsut want her to come back,,i jsut want her to give me what she gave me,,,i jsut want her,,,she's the only 1 who makes me feel warm and loved,,,,she's the only 1 who gave me 100% love,,i dont know aobut now,,,but i dont care about myself,,,i dont expect myself to be happy anymore,,,i only wish for her 100%love,,,i just wish for that to happen,,,no more words to say,,,i told myself that ill go toschool this thursday,,,i hope i will,,and i hope i wont do anything senseless in school,,,i hope i will be able to hide my feelings again,,,i hope for that,,cuz if i cant,,ill jsut run out of school,,and get into a bigger trouble,,i hate myself,,,and if i ever get punnished sevierly in school,,,that'll just will make me loose total hope myself in studies,,,that'll just make me wanna end mylife sooner,,,i just hope to help
vaspers,,,im doing all those gay shit for them,,,even though i dont like it,,ill do it,,this will make me feel usefull,,and make me feel appreciated,,but nothing can make feel the way when im with her,,nothing can be compared to the love she gave me,,nothing and no1 could ever make me feel the way she makes me feel,,,,,and i dont wish for any1 else to give me what she gives me,,,all the girls are the same to me now,,besides her,,,i look at her in a different way,,,i love her,,,,cant be explained,,,the only thing i can hope for now is equal love from her,,,,and i swear,,,if some1 loves me the way i love her,,,i wouldnt want to disapoint her,,i wouldnt want to hurt her,,,,but then again,,,who would actually lay their eyes on me?im damn black,,,im stupid,,,im a looser,,,i dont see anything good in me,,and i dont know why feli even love me,,,,,or loved,,,
i dont know,,i just want to be sure if she still have feelings for me,,,i love her,,and i hope she loves me too