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am i just stupid, or am i just hopeless?i dont know, i didnt update this blog for such a long time, because i was too depressed, y am i feeling so damn depressed every single day? kat stayed over at my place on sunday, i had,and i mean i HAD to pretend, like nothing's bothering me, and that kat just had to go on about rey and abi, that jsut made me feel even more hopeless, i can think all of that for myself, but i just had to talk along, cuz that's the me last time right? easy to talk to and easy to make fun of, i dont care, we were supposed to meet today at 12, thnks to kat. but abi couldnt make it, her mom's sick and i jsut called her, she's having tuition now, kat was still at home, i lsot my mood, i was all down, and then kat and val met up, i went back home, trying so damn hard to stop my tears from falling, the thing that made me most hopeless is, studies, i mean, i dont know where to start, where should i start? i dont know, and when i tell ppl i want to study, they were sarcastic in a way, i dont know, i didnt make it to vespers, they screwed up in the competition, azrii scolded me, that jsut made me lost all freaking motivation, i started eating like a pig again, and totally lost the motivation to work out, to at least be light, AND THAT STUPID SHERMAIN!!aarhhh, i dont want to even talk about her in my blog, i hate her, with all my life.
i jsut need to know somethin, i jsut need to be sure of somtihn, i need to know how feli feels, im jsut totally confused, if she still loves me, ill try veery hard to chagne fer her, if she dont ,i dont know, ill probably keep myself from being social, i cant act the way i used to, i cant hang out with frineds, i lost my team's trust, i totally lost it, school's crap, im crapped, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, nothing to look forward to, nothing to smile to, the only thing and the only source is her, i want her, i want her to love me, but at the saem time ,i dont want her to love such a screwed guy like me, i want her to be happy with me, but she nvr did, i hate myself, i totally hate myself, jsut a matter of time, oh man, im starting to want physical pain, it's way more better, i cant take this anymore, at least when im hurt physically, ill stop thinking of all those shit, my mind will naturally stop, i dont know, sudenly angela came up to my mind, i dont know htf she can act normally, i guess every1 have their bad times, and for me, it's almost a month now, im broke, i dont have any money, i dont feel good of myself, and there's nothing to look forward to, my skills are no match with others,i rot, i rot alot, there's nothing good about me, where ever i go, ppl look at me, i dont know why, it's like, i dont belong to this world or something like that, i dont know, mouth ulcer is a pain in the ass, i really hate my life, i hope it gets better, but, i know, everytime when something gets better, there's surely a worst, i miss her ,i miss her alot, alot alot, alot, i guess she's occupied most of the time, having a perfact family, and all , i dont know , smoking sux, i hate the breath i have now, i hate smoking, it doesnt help, i hate my life, guitar is just a distraction, photography is a distraction too, i dont know what to do with my life, every single day, every single morning, i wake up, knowing that she have her own life to live, and i have mine, wait, i have none, i dont have any life, just like what all my family member told me, they say im screwed, they made fun of me, totally they did, why am i doing this to myself, it's just like im hoping for somthing knowing that ill nvr get it, and im still hoping, and still knowing that ill nvr get it, i hate myself, my coach told me that i do things halfway, and only talk, but nvr did complete what i started, that just made me confermed that ima poseur, almost every1 told me that, ima jack of all rabbits master of none, every1 told me that, even my cousin, they laugh at me, every1 laughs at me, my fear, my anger, my frustation , are all laughed at, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, if im expeled from school, im just gonna end my life, i dont know, i guess i deserve to be in hell, beinga muslim, i did alot of scenes, rebel againts almost all elderly, touched the girl i love so very much , wAS EXPOSED TO PORN, killed a bird when i was young, hit my father, hurt others, that made me conferm that my next stop is hell, might as well i be in hell than suffer more shit on earth , then be in hell, i dont know , life isnt sweet anymore, everything's screwed, she's the last hope i have, and if she said that we are over one more time, im confermed, im confermed that im totally screwed, no1 cares, why should i trouble them
arrghhh, i think im jsut gonna have a walk or something, i dotn know im tearing like one shit now, there's more to say, but , wtf, no1 reads them, i dont want others to read this blog, cuz it's my problems, but im glad that they read it for entertainment, cuz at least i know that my sorrow pleased them, they like it, and i have something to live for,
AHH WTF, IM GONE, SEE YA