Dear Friends;
Mostly, this note is to that devious cunt Crazy4Clay69 who I thought was my best friend, and who definitely won't be reading this because that nasty twat committed suicide. Good riddance bitch.
Ever since we became online friends, I was constantly posting to reassure that neurotic snatch about our friendship. How much did I need her?--"More than anything.", Would I do anything for her? "Absolutely.", and then that psychotic skank set me up and fucked me over by asking what I'd do if she died. Unthinkingly, I posted "I'd kill myself". To which she replied, "Rely?". To which I replied, "yes really;)". To which she replied, "I meant to type, 'Really?'" To which I replied, "I know what you meant, silly<8)". To which she replied "Really?" To which I replied "Really what?--did I know you meant 'Really?' when you typed 'Rely?' Or did I really mean I'd kill myself?" To which she tried to reply, but the thread was too long and we had to start a new post.
I finally convinced Crazy4Clay69 that I would indeed kill myself if she died. What the fuck were you thinking Nc? You spend your whole life trying not to die in a jihad or as a religious sacrifice and then you piss it all away by casually agreeing to an online suicide pact. God damn it.
Sure, I could clear out my temporary files, stop accepting cookies, sign up for a new journal and leave my old online world behind. But anyone who has spent even 2 minutes reading my blog knows that's not what I am about. I live up to my responsibilities, even when they technically aren't my doing (see my "Errrr!!!!! Blockbuster Late Fees" entry on September 6). So, to all of you who have enjoyed my journal, I must say thank you, good-bye, and be sure to sign my guestbook.
God I hate that cunt,
Nc
P.S. All those gay pornos aren't mine. They're a friend's. And I was superimposed.
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i got this suicide note from a site, but i aint gonna kill myself though, just for fun, infact, im doing this to prevent myself from stepping offa ledge, it's kinda reverse psychology thingie. well, i went to school today. I still cant hide my feelings, every1 sees it, and khafifa cuts too, she's gonna be a work of art soon. Miss.Goh noticed me and called me out, she talked to me, i asked her about homeschooling, and she asked me to meet mr.tan after school. and that fag, really put me down on homeschooling, i hate life, after i heard him say taht, i became even more hopeless. i swear , if i ever go to normal nx year, i wont go to school ever. Thoughts about her is still in my mind, i love her, i didnt see her in school today. i didnt want to, cuz i know i would burst out and i wouldnt able to hide my feelings anymore, my mother toungue teacher asked me if i had relationship problems, i ied to her pretty good. i came home and khafifa came to my house, watched some black metal music, and she got horny and then we watched porn, it sucks, i hate mylife, i dont think i would be able to go to school tmr. Im supposd to meet up with clement and chimp to the beach tmr, dont know if ill be goin, but what the hack. I miss her as always. i stared at her pic every single night, and my dream last night was about her having long hair again. it's the second time im having that draem. i dont know why, i hoepit doesnt mean anything. i really want her back. i jsut watch the Oc, they moved on and found a new some1, then i thought, would i better off witha a new some1? and i said nah, it's imposible, my feelings for feli is stil strong, i might admirer some1 but i wouldnt notice them even when their in front of me. It 's hard to explain, it's like, after abi broke up with me, my interest for girls are jsut gone, but i just miss and love her like never before. ivee lsot her, i dont know what to do now, i think the best thing that i could do is to change schol, as long im in this school, i cant be my self anymore, for god sakes, im wearing the unifrom that SHE bought for me, i love her. I guess if you love some1 , you'll jsut have to let her go huh, it's damn hard, i cant let her go, but she's gone, i hope she comes back to me, i love her, and as im typing now, tears are in my eyes, i love her.
the biggest accomplishment i made so far is hode my feleings, i hid everything from every1, i smile and laugh at jokes, but what ppl dont know is, i tear like fuck every night, about my life, about her, about my studies, i just feel so helpless and hopelss. miss goh told me that she's afraid that i might hurt some1 in school, and even worst, hurt myself, she made me promise that i wouldnt hurt any1, not even my self. but i promised that i only wouldnt hurt any1- that is if i can control my feelings. Im doing this meditation crap thingie thing now, five minutes everyday, it helps alot, because i must breath out through my mouth with my tongue up,, it has o be 7 seconds, and i have to breath in for 7 seconds, and i ,mucst think of happy thought-memories of her and me together, those happy time, god i miss her.
if god really listen to me and ansewr my prayers, he would put feli and me together, with her parents apporval, but i guess it's imposible huh, because, maybe she'sfated to get a good life, and to find some1 with a good life too, some1 who isnt like me. and maybe i should feel this way, so that i wouldnt hurt others in the future again, so that i wouldnt be in a relationship with any1 anymore, and i also think that god made me this way, very dark and akk, curly hair with bony legs and hand, to prevent girl from havcing their eys on me, so that i wouldnt hurt, them, so that they wouldnt gfet hurt, cuz, im sucha bitch, i hurt every1 i know, im a lzy ass, im not smart, i rebel, i cut, my braeth stinks of cigarette- i dont smoke anymore. my life stinks, i miss her, i truely miss her, i love you feli, and i hope you'll do too.